Moo is coming!!!

My moo is coming to see me and take me to my little throat scope thingy!
I have to be released to someone over 18 who is responsible because I will be unable to drive or really think. I will still be groggy as thank god they knock a person out for this sort of thing.
I don't even know if anyone ever reads this anymore. It doesn't really matter as I write for myself. So that someday I can look back and see what I was doing and how I was feeling and what I was thinking of or about. So I can travel back in time and relive the pleasant things that have gone on in my life and remind myself of the lessons I have learned. Unfortunatley there are big gaps in time where either I had no internet or just wasn't up to writing.
I have that stuff in my head as well as everything I have gotten to write here in this blog. I have many others too. I find it refreshing to write on different levels and for different reasons. Either just to be creavtive or to really vent and not worry that someone I know or may be venting about will read about it. I have done that here and it caused some issues. So this blog is not for that anymore.
Living here in Moses Lake has been interesting so far.
Its definatley a new area to get used to and the weather is something else! Its almost like being in Mississippi!
People would think thats its dry here in Eastern Washington and that is for the most part true. But the fact that the lake is huge and is oddly shaped keeps things fairly humid also.
I actually really like the weather and already have my first sunburn of the summer. It doesn't matter how much sunblock I use. I burn.
So anywho I will have a great tan this summer for my friends Katie and Grants wedding. I am so excited for them. Not only are they finally getting married after almost ten years together, they are expecting their second child in November!
Ah out of time.
I love you my babies.

Dear Sierra and Lynndsey

To my babies.
I love you and I miss you so much that sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.
I worry about you even though I know you are in safe hands. I wonder if you are getting to do the things you love to do. No matter what your grades are. Sierra your art is part of who you are. Keep doing it no matter who says what. You CANNOT be grounded from a part of yourself.
Lynndsey you are the bestest sofball player in the world!!
I don't care what anyone says. You do it best!
Its terrible being without you. In my sleep every night I hug you and kiss you til no end.
I remember when I used to read you bedtime stories, Or sing you to sleep. Most of the time it was the only way I could get you to go to sleep at a decent time!
I remember how loud you guys used to be and how I wished you would just be quiet for a moment. No I wish nothing more then to hear you all playing or fighting or laughing and being loud obnoxious children..
My days are lonely without you.
Pan is old enough to be going to job chorp and not needing mom.
But you my babies. Still need someone to look out for you sometimes. You are getting to be very beautiful young ladies and not babies at all. But that doesn't mean that you are ready to be on your own.
Do your homework. Eat your peas. And wash behind your ears.
I can't wait to see you at the end of June.
I hope to pick you up after Lynns last game. Which I plan on rooting for you at Lynn.
I love you both so much.
You are my heartbeat.

Mom

at home ...kinda

Well I am back in Everett. I couldn't handle being in Longview anymore. There is just something about knowing where you are and how to get where you want to go.
At the moment I am hanging with my best friend Mouse at the Everett Library. Just thought I would jump on the internet and post an update.
Not really doing much. Will be staying with my friend in Everett at least four days a week. Gotta wash my wubbie today. Hoping to get to know a guy in Iraq. He's in the army and all that.
Anyway. Gotta go.
Hope ya'll are doing great whoever you are that reads this.

In Longview

Well I haven't been able to do this for awhile!
I hope everyone is doing good.
I am so happy to say that I got to talk to my sister Vicki.
The baby is doing very well. I have pictures of her. She is so beautiful!!!

As for me, I have cut off all of my hair!
Yes thats right its gone!
Short in the back and long in the front. And now I have no choice but to do something with it everyday. And that makes me feel better.
Now I just need to find the right job. I was working for my friends aunt but she went on a second honey moon and I am in Longview with my mom anyway. My mothers cousin and best friend died last week on a cruise. So we came driving down here to find out that the funeral won't be for another week and some odd days because they are doing a federal investigation of his death.
I will have to go into that more at another time.
Its been kinda nice to be away from my sister Tannis's house. Its always so crowded their with four dogs and four adults and two kids or more because of the neighbor kids and mom and I are always cleaning and never ever get a moment to ourselves. We are absolutely happy to be at my sisters. But it is nice to get away from home too.
Well I guess I don't have as much to say as I would have hoped. I am also using someone elses computer.
Anyway. Hope all is well an anyones world who reads this.

hola bitcholas

Well its almost Christmas and my sister Vicki just had a baby girl. I am so happy for her. Turns out the last time I posted I was right. She had her baby last tuesday so the little pudger is a week old today. I haven't seen her yet. I hope I get pictures soon. I would really love to hold her. But with all the turmoil in our family I just don't think that is going to happen any time soon. I miss Vicki and I wish her and Brian the best. I hope they are really enjoying there new little one. Its not easy when the baby is new and your a first time parent. I remember when Amanda was born. How hard it was to leave her alone long enough to even take a shower. I couldn't do it! And when Joan came over to take care of her and help with some stuff and I took a shower it was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life because I had flashes of joan putting Pan in a blender. It was horrifying!
I hope things go easier for Vicki and Brian as they embark on this new awesome and amazing journey. And I hope they make better choices then I did. I know Vicki doesn't want my advice on anything. Because that entire side of my family thinks I am a terrible parent. But the thing is is that I have been there. I have made mistakes just as all parents do. And I would like to prevent them from making the mistakes I made so they can make their own as they surely will because no one is perfect. Maybe if she reads this she will accept the fact that I know what I am talking about and will be willing to email me back instead of ignoring my emails. Well she is also hella busy now too and I know that. I love ya Vicster and I hope to hear from you soon. Maybe the next time I call you will answer the phone???

just spewing words

Well I took Sierra back to her dads temporarily.
I will have all three girls with me this summer. And I will be in a place by May or June. YAY housing!!\
My sister Tannis is getting married New Years eve to my great friend Dave. I can't believe it I am so happy for both of them. My sister Vicki is either having or has already had her baby girl. I haven't heard anything yet.
I got to have both Sierra and Amanda with me for Thanksgiving so that RAWKED.
I wish Lynn could have been there too. Maybe next year eh..
Pan is doing awesome in Jobchore. I am so very proud of her.
Gotta make this quick as I need to get back to work,\
More later!

You can help!

Please go to the following url and light and virtual candle for homless youth.

It will give you warm fuzzies!

http://candlelight.covenanthouse.org/candles/1440/deniseyocom

I swear it will make you feel really good. You can help!
Ya YOU.

Thank You

Lady Raevyn


ps. while you are at it check out care2.com and join today.
Its a really cool sight where you can click to donate to charities such as breast cancer research and saving the environment. And you can sign petitions for such things as saving the whales, wolves. wild horses, seals, pitbulls, the list goes on and on. There are also health care petitions. and many others.
I am known as Dakotabo on care2.com. Come join and add yourself to my friends list!

Sierra

Well that was a fun trip! We went and got Sierra over the weekend. I got us way out of the way going over White pass on the way home. Katie screamed at me for quite a long time then decided she wanted to drive and proceeded to scare the shit out of all of us. Then she had Nikki drive for a bit but Maddy woke up and Nikki is breast feeding so I drove us home from Tacoma. Made it from there to Anacortes is less then an hour. Ya I was speeding. Anyway. Sierra started school yesterday and so far likes her teachers. I hope that will continue. She will surely have homework tonight. She misses her sister. She told me last night that she wished she had chosen to stay home. But I remember what the girls went through when they first got to Jasons. And Sierra knows she is here for the rest of the school year. Jason and I told her she needed to make the final decision..but then she got into big big trouble and through discusion it was decided that she would come try it with me. That means til school is out. Because we can't do the back and forth thing all the time. If she decides at the end of the year to go ahead and go back to Dads I will be surprised. I know she misses her sister but I can really see her doing very well here in Anacortes.
Its a very art dominated city. And she is an awesome artist. The people here are really nice and so are their kids for the most part. She already made some friends yesterday..Go Sierra!! Okay my fingers are getting stiff so I close with this. I am really glad that my daughter is here. And I pray that she finds happiness either with me or with her dad.

Good Lord, back at Katies again

Okay, well I am back at Katies. Dre kept two promises of all the promises he made. But they were two damn good ones. First one: He bought me a car. A 1984 Caprice Classic, which he is now jealous over. And the second was he gave me a phone. Its a better prepaid deal then the one I had. So thats cool. Anyway. I am back at Katies. Because Sharon is a bitch and she is never going to stop being one and I should have just kicked her ass a damn long time ago. Period! Long story short. She introduced me to Dre. to try to control him by holding me over his head. This drove a wedge between Dre and I. I didn't like it being held over my head either. And the guilt trips Sheesh. No more of the crap. I don't need to pack my bags for any more trips of any kind. Sharons are all bullshit anyway. She just needs to be made to leave the area. Ontop of it all when she didn't get her way because Dre and I split up but remained friends. She made it impossible for me to stay at the house. See she didn't want me there, because she wants to set Dre up with another friend so she can have something over his head again. She doesn't know that Dre is on to her and doesn't want to meet any of her friends.. Sound like a soap opera yet. Wait. It gets better. Since I was still living with Dre, and her and Jason. Jason is her on again off again boyfriend who is also Dres best friend, we all lived together. Anywho, Sharon decided to start a fight with me. I told her off. Gave her what for. Well I left for awhile to cool off. While I was gone she called Jason at work and freeked out on him telling him he needed to come home and handle this shit because she wasn't going to put up with me threating her. WHAT!? Okay so unbeknownst to me this is going on. I get back to the house. Take a shower and decide to ask Sharon why the hell she brought me out here to meet Dre if she was just going to decide to be a bitch and turn on me.
We started to talk. Jason came home from work. He said Dre said for Sharon to go ahead and call the cops if thats what she wanted to do. He couldn't stop her. And for me to leave the keys to the car and his room on the counter when I go. Yeah right!
Can you say FUCK OFF. I can. I did.
I did however leave. I packed up the little bit of stuff I had left over there, and moved the hell out.
Katie drove me over a little later to get some more of the stuff I forgot. Like my t.v. that I let Sharon borrow. WOW she was pissed..Ohhh doggie. Tough shit bitch. You shouldn't have started all the Jerry Springer bullshit drama..so I am still in Anacortes, and I will be going to get my daughter Sierra in just a week and three days. I am so excited!!!
Damn library. Got to go. Time is up.

Quick Update

Okay well I am at the Library again. Still in Anacortes but Dre and I have decided to just be friends. I have been talking to my ex~husband Jason about a possible reunion. We are speaking seriously of getting back together and seeing what happens. I have faced the fact that I am still in love with him. That truth be told I never fell out of love with him. I miss him deeply and he misses me. I don't know what will happen. I just know I am looking forward to finding out where things can go. I have never gotten over him. I never will. I think about him every single day many times a day. I really am hoping that I will be moving to Oregon soon.
And no its not just because Sierra and Lynn are there. Friends have asked me that. Not that I don't miss my babies. Because I surely do. Its just that I happen to miss their father too. He has been a very large part of my life. I have tried to move on. And it just doesn't work. No one compares to him. And no one ever will.
More later..................

Uhtohhh I'mmmm ba ack!

Well here I am again. Guess I didn't want to stay away for ever. I think I just needed a good long break. You know how when you do something for a really long time it suddenly becomes tedious and you just don't want to deal with it anymore. Thats how I was feeling. And to top it off ex family reading the blog didn't help. ( not you Vickianntoria)
Alot has happend since I stopped blogging. I am now in Anancortes again,and have met someone very special. His name is Andre. He was born on the Island of Antigua in the Carribean and he lived there until he was 11 then his mother took him and his sister and brother to New York. Where he grew up and lived until about two years ago. I met him a little over a month ago and it was love. The first time I heard his voice over the phone I fell in love with him. A good friend introduced us for reasons of her own. Which have not worked out the way she intended. Good for us, not so for her. Well its not bad for her either but I do think she regrets that she didn't get what she wanted out of it. Too bad. Well anyway. Amanda is in jobchore and as from what I am told she really likes it so far. I think the first night away from everyone was pretty hard for her. I am so very proud of her for going in the right direction. Sierra and Lynndsey are living with their dad again in Oregon. One more school year to get through without the girls, and at the moment its killing me. I have been crying for the past three days. Everytime I look at their pictures I just ache inside to hold them and kiss them and make their breakfast. I miss all the big and little things about taking care of them and having them with me all the time. I did get to see Sierra and Lynndsey this summer. But not long enough. There is never enough time when you know they can't stay. My little sister Vicki is pregnant. At last!!! WOO HOO!!
I am so thrilled and excited for her and her husband Brian. I really miss her too. We haven't talked recently. I love her and miss her but I don't want her to have to deal with her parents giving her shit for talking to me. I know she loves me too and thats all that matters. Vicki doesn't need any more stress then she already has while shes pregnant. I wish I could be there for the birth of her baby just as she was there for the birth of all three of my girls. Hell she was the only one there for Lynndseys birth. There is just so much more to say and so little time because I am at the library and because I have my friends car and I need to get back to the house soon so she can do what she needs to do today. I will be back again.
I need so badly to reconnect with all my long lost friends and blogging family.
And soon, very soon I will have internet from home. I am going crazy without it.

Raevyn

Conversations with assholes

In one hour of talking to Dennis Barclay my now ex dad. I was called not only an asshole, but the biggest bag of shit he had ever met in his life, a terrible mother, a goddamn piece of shit, a stupid dick. A fucking bitch....ah the name calling just got better. And I was informed that I am the load my birth mother should have swollowed. That the only good thing I ever did in my life was complete three pregnancies. That I am a terrible mother. That I don't deserve to have children. That he wishes he never would have met me. He has no love for me and neither does Joan, and that they don't like me. There for I am not welcome to come to the cabin this summer. There was so much said that was like a knife to the heart. I don't even know where to begin on describing how that made me feel. And then telling me that I am insane and belong in a mental instituition, and that I am the sickest person he has ever met. Just that I am a bad bad person. That I am the worst. Then telling me that I feel sorry for myself. That I have milked all my friends dry that no one wants me around. God it went on forever. He has no idea who I am and doesn't care to know. That is not my problem it is his. I am glad that I am here. I am not a piece of shit.. And maybe now that things are totally settled between us. He has no love for me, and after that conversation and being told he doesn't care wether I live or die, I have no love for him either. Any and all that I have left was completley squashed. I will miss my sister Vicki who has commented here a time or two. I am so overwhelmingly happy for her that she and Brain are expecting there first child. I hope she will keep in touch at least once and awhile. Even though in a pissed off moment I told her to leave me alone. Vicki if you read this I am sorry about that. I should take your parents crap out on you. I hope you will forgive me but I understand if you don't. I just cannot take that kind of verbal obnoxiousness anymore. I don't deserve it. At all for any reason. I am a human being. I make bad choices just like other human beings. I have to pay for those, I have to learn from those. My children are all taken care of. They know without a doubt that they are loved and wanted and that no matter what I am always going to love and accept them. I am how ever in a quandry. I don't know if I should cut ties between my kids and their grandparents. The girls always come to me and tell me what the Barclays are saying about me. to them , around them, how ever ....the fact remains my children are hearing it. I told Dennis that if my kids say one thing to me about that ever again. If I get wind that my kids are being subjected to that kind of talk it will be the last time that Joan and Denny see them..PERIOD> When I told him that he said " Are you threating me.?" YES, I am threating you, of course I am threating you, my children should not have to hear that.... They are part of me, when things are said about me like that they feel bad about themselves, so shut the fuck up about me when my kids are around... not to hard is it??? well see....
Anyway, More later my fingers hurt, because I have written this ten or more times.....

For all the families and friends of those who were lost today in Viginia

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those who have died tragically today in the shootings in Virginia.
For those who passed and are fighting for their lives, I wish for them a hundred angels each of comfort and love and strength .
For the parents the mothers and fathers, and step parents of those who have been killed or injured I send my thoughts with each tear that I have cried. I wish for you peace and comfort today.

Okay I have moved.
Found one!
YAY
I know that was fast, ignore the other post, I finally got off my ass and actually looked.
I am not sure I am going to stick with the one I found gonna check out some other sites too,
But in the meantime. I am writing again.
If ya wanna know where I am you HAVE TO EMAIL ME!!!
raevynwolfe@yahoo.com

still can't find a good place to blog

Still looking, til then I will let you know that I will let you all know when I do find a place to blog that is good and likeable.
TATA for now.

Guess its time

Turns out that there are people reading my blog that just shouldn't be reading it. So I am going to have to go through all the trouble of creating a new one and then dismanteling this one. I know a few of you have done this already. Is there any advice you can give me that will allow me to take all my old posts with me and my links and all without hours and hours of work?
Please email suggestions to me at mskajunkitty@yahoo.com
I won't be using that email address for much longer anymore either. I will give the new one to those who ask for it.
I usually check my email daily. Until I get everything moved I will not be posting anything new.
I love each and every one of you that come around and keep me company, and thank all those who came to let me know they are here.
Well I better get started at least get the initial blog created.....

Love to All <3
Raevyn

I know I haven't been around much

I feel bad, like I have been neglecting old friends. I just haven't wanted to write anything. I tend to do that,avoid blogger completely if I don't feel like writing. The reason I do that isn't to avoid friends, its to avoid creativity, inspiration, and the need then to write.
I know that sounds terrible. Especially since I am a terrible writer.
I just love to do it. And I know it would be nice of me to say that I blog because of the friends I have made here, but that would taste a lie. I blog for the original reason I began. To get things off my chest. To reason things out for myself using this forum to do so. I have met many awesome and amazing people thru blogger. I have made many wonderful friends, some quit blogging, one passed away, and others have faded off, or we just lost contact and I deleted there links just to keep things neat and easy for myself. I know that when I get in my really thoughtful moods and I write everything I think, people start to fade away and don't comment. Oh, I'm not complaining, I would wander off too. I just noticed that when I am not being fun and charming and whitty people fade away like the stars do in the morning. I think I am mentioning it because I wish my stars would come back. Right now I need my friends. Here and everywhere else. I don't know what for, other then just to feel loved. I am feeling lost , alone, confused, empty and yet overwhelmed.
I feel so tired. I just need my friends. Plain and simple. I need to know you are there, or here, or anywhere. I need to know that you are by my side no matter where you might live.
Take my hand.......?

Cannon Ball

I think when I was born this is what I was thinking. As in spirit formed I jumped into a crazy life with both feet and no fear.
What did I have to be afraid of after all. Life is just a temporary learning experience right?
Yeah, except it doesn't feel so temporary when you are here struggling with life altering decisions. I seem to have a lot of those to make lately. There is a definite labryth of cross roads ahead of me, no matter what choices I have made in the last year, another cross roads has popped up and a plethera of choices where there to be made.
The choices I have made have caused my children and I a great amount of grief and regret on my part. But then again..... Sierra and Lynn are getting to know their dad again, and getting to know his side of the family, trully for the first time. And I am getting mother daughter time with my oldest who really needs me at this point in her turbulent teenage life. My biggest fear is that I will make a terrible decision that will have resounding repurcusions for many many years.
Taking care of me for the first time in my life is turning out to be more difficult then I ever imagined. I never ever would have thought it so hard to concentrate on my own life and the direction it is going in. I have been getting more sleep lately, following my bodies natural rythyms. I feel smarter and more aware of whats going on because my brain is functioning more properly. Yet I still feel like an asshat, because I don't know what I really want to do. I am not even sure of what I need to do. Amanda doesn't want to move out of state again. Not even five hours away. She is 16 almost and has the right, I feel, to make that choice. But where would she stay? And should I really let her stay here? Shouldn't I make her come with me, because I feel its right to move to Oregon so the other two can be close to their father and his mother and grandmother? Should I let her stay here so she doesn't have to change schools again. Let her graduate from this school, then she can go where ever the wind blows her. I never wanted my kids to feel that they had to stay in one place. I always wanted them to feel free,that the world is their oyster and they can see it all if they want to. I don't want them to be afraid to explore their world. Now I am afraid that I have made Amanda fear change, fear trying new things. Just because of me and my dumb ass never providing stability for long periods of time. Icurumba what have I done? What should I do? I am still feeling so lost, even though I feel its best to move to Oregon. Is it really whats best for all of us????

weary

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I wonder wha the hell I am thinking.
Things are so up in the air for me right now. I have been meeting a lot of interesting men online at different places and that is really making me think that I should follow advice I would give to anyone else in my situation. Dump the Billy. Get on with my own life. Meet some one else and make a go of that. But see my heart just won't agree with my brain and when ever I think about doing that. My whole entire body does this strange thing and I feel like screaming NOOOOOOO.
I have never had that feeling before in my entire life. I know I am supposed to be with Billy. I am not sure its supposed to be right now. There are some things that man has to do to make things right. I have written him a very long letter telling him all these things too.
I also told him, I want to run away. From everything. I just want to hop on a bus or something and just disapear. Not tell anyone where I am or where I am going. NO ONE. I guess I feel like pulling a Billy. Only he keeps in contact with some folks. Me for insance. At this point I am not sure if I would contact any one at all. I want to hide. I want to take my wounds to some far off place and let them heal. I want to get away from everything that has ever caused me pain.
I cannot however get away from myself. This isn't a movie and I can't cut out my heart and bury it on some far off Island. All this runs through my mind and I think I am going crazy.
It feels that way sometimes. Like there is this tiny little me inside my brain and it is screaming and just coming undone. There is a hurrican in my brain and it is fucking with my thought processes immensely. I just want to sleep. For the rest of my life. In dreamland my life is sooo much different then the one I am trying to live.

Got a call from California today

Billy is in Jail yet again. I don't know what he was arrested for to begin with but they got him for not being registered. Which doesn't really make any sense since he hasn't even been in Cali for 24 hours. Well he has now, but at the time he hadn't been.
Anyway, the guy that called me told me he didn't know if Billy would be extredited back here or not. I talked to another friend of ours today and he says that WA. often extradites from Cali. So Billy may just well be coming back here even though he didn't want to. He wanted to avoid jail altogether. But he doesn't seem to understand that he won't be able to do that if he doesn't take care of his past. We just talked about it when I talked to him the other day too. And he was on his way to Arizona to take care of things there. So that he could come back up here and not have as big of issues, so that he wouldn't be in jail as long. Looks like god and goddess have other plans for Billy though. I really hope he catches a clue from this. But he never has before. So my hopes aren't high. I really do love him, and I miss him tremendously. Jen wants to move to Alabama or Louisianna,she wants me to go with her. I really don't want to do that.
I want to move to Oregon so that my two youngest daughters can have both their parents near them all the time. And can spend time with that side of the family too. And where they are is only four hours from here, so it would be close enough to drive over in summers and be around my side of the family too. And close enough to see friends. I don't want to live in the south. I want to live in Montana at least at some point in my life. Jen first said she wanted to move to Florida still. I said HELL NO!!!! You can go on your own, She said she didn't want to move without me. Well if she goes to Alabama she will have to go without me. ALthough I loved LA when we went through it on the bus. I cried. It felt like HOME. But I don't want to be that far from my kids and I sure don't want to move them that far from family again. So I am sticking with my Oregon plan. But you all know me pretty well by now. I could change my mind and back again a million times bewtween now and June.
I think what I want most in the world is just never going to happen for me anyway, I may as well give up.