Sitting here at my sisters house I have a lot of time to think.
This morning I woke up wondering what I would want my girls to know if something happend to me. What if any? Important tidbits can I give them to make life easier, or funner?
What would I want them to know from me and not from some other chick?
Well there is the obvious. I want them to know how much I love them. They already know this.
I want them to know that I care more about them then myself. That their wellbeing comes before mine. This I think they know....
But there are other things mothers tell and teach their daughters.
How to be strong and independant and never rely on anyone. ANYONE but yourself.
How to cook and clean and sew and wash clothes and pay bills.
How to do all of that and work and take care of kids and look great doing it.
Unfortunatley I don't think my kids saw too much of that. Looking great thing.
This is what I hope I showed them. This is what I hope they know. This is what I would want them to read if something happend to me.
1) Never ever let a man be in control of your life ( or anyone else for that matter)
You are a strong woman. You are also intelligent, if you really love him and he wants to be in control. Just let him " believe" he is and let it go. You'll figure this out for sure. Because almost ALL men want to be in control. Sheesh. What would the world come to.
2) You are a woman, that means that you will wear 250 million different hats. Because you will need to know how to do everything. Everything means. Well everything.
So learn everything you can and pay attention because someday you WILL need to do it.
3) Do NOT doubt yourself. You are STRONG you are WISE you are AWESOME
4) The only people that can hurt you are the ones you allow to do.
5) Sing and Dance in the rain
6) Travel, when you want how you want with who you want, and do not be afraid to embrace people and their cultures on your way through life let alone around the world.
7) LAUGH a lot
8) You really really really can do and get what ever you want. REALLY
9) I BELIEVE IN YOU
10) Some people will always be in your life, others will come and go, some will just blink right through.
11) Chocolate can cure a broken heart....but going out with friends works better.
12) Do NOT be afraid to try new things. Spread your wings my babies and FLY FLY FLY
13) If you let what others say about you get to you. The others win.
14) Some people are just plain asshats..don't let it get to you. its not you specifically that they are experiencing asshattery over. Its just their life sucks and they probably need someone to love them.
15) Some people need to be watched over. BE someones ANGEL
16)Being someones angel does NOT mean that you should let other people take advantage of you. Use your head at all times and not just your heart. Mostly though.....
17) ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
18) DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE OR GET IN A CAR WITH ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN DRINKING...SAME WITH DRUGS
19) You do not need to speed. If you are late so be it. Its better to get to your destination in one piece then to never reach it at all.
20) People are full of advice. Take what you can use and leave the rest behind.
21) Mom is the wisest of all people ever and you should always listen to her or anything she ever said! Number twenty DOES NOT apply to mom!!
1
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thinking
You know when I think about the past, and all the experiences that I have had. Good and bad.
I am surprised that I didn't actually die. There are things that I did when I was a teenager that I never should have done, and if my parents knew that I was doing them they would have died...of heart attacks. When I look back on swinging from a rope into a lake thick with dead trees, cows, and cars....shivers.
When I think about sneaking out at night and roaming around in the woods or down the hill to the freeway over pass and into town. Holy Jebus, do you know what COULD have HAPPEND!
Scary. Blink. Scary.
When I think about the places I rode my horse and the dangerous shit I did. I could just about dig a hole right now.
Now my oldest daughter is at that age of discovery. Not just of the world around her or how she sees it. But how she will actually navigate it. How she will handle the situations that come up. Life Lessons are about to hit hard. And there is nothing I can or really should do to make it easier. Or prevent them from taking place. Of course I pray that she doesn't get mortally wounded. Of course I wish that her heart would not get broken. Of course I hope that she learns.
I did, you did, they did, she will. She is smart, funny, talented, and wise beyond her years, and she has sooooooo much to learn. So much to see and do, touch and feel, hear, and speak. People to meet and places to go. She is off and running full out. It will be a few years before she learns to take it slower and really SEE.
It will be awhile before we can sit down and have a conversation about life.
Until then she just has to do it. I can't wait to hear her stories. I would like to say that I can wait to see her heart broken and see all the paths her life will take. But I can't say that. I don't want her to miss anything, if her heart is never broken and no one ever hurts her feelings or pisses her off she will miss out on something. It will mean she didn't care enough to have that.
Or that someone didn't care enough about her to make it happen.
That would suck. For lack of a better word. It would just plain suck. I want whats best for all my children. And shock, awe, shock, sometimes whats best. Is whats hard, or painful, or just a pain in the ass. I love you Pan. This is the get go of an aweful great adventure!
I am surprised that I didn't actually die. There are things that I did when I was a teenager that I never should have done, and if my parents knew that I was doing them they would have died...of heart attacks. When I look back on swinging from a rope into a lake thick with dead trees, cows, and cars....shivers.
When I think about sneaking out at night and roaming around in the woods or down the hill to the freeway over pass and into town. Holy Jebus, do you know what COULD have HAPPEND!
Scary. Blink. Scary.
When I think about the places I rode my horse and the dangerous shit I did. I could just about dig a hole right now.
Now my oldest daughter is at that age of discovery. Not just of the world around her or how she sees it. But how she will actually navigate it. How she will handle the situations that come up. Life Lessons are about to hit hard. And there is nothing I can or really should do to make it easier. Or prevent them from taking place. Of course I pray that she doesn't get mortally wounded. Of course I wish that her heart would not get broken. Of course I hope that she learns.
I did, you did, they did, she will. She is smart, funny, talented, and wise beyond her years, and she has sooooooo much to learn. So much to see and do, touch and feel, hear, and speak. People to meet and places to go. She is off and running full out. It will be a few years before she learns to take it slower and really SEE.
It will be awhile before we can sit down and have a conversation about life.
Until then she just has to do it. I can't wait to hear her stories. I would like to say that I can wait to see her heart broken and see all the paths her life will take. But I can't say that. I don't want her to miss anything, if her heart is never broken and no one ever hurts her feelings or pisses her off she will miss out on something. It will mean she didn't care enough to have that.
Or that someone didn't care enough about her to make it happen.
That would suck. For lack of a better word. It would just plain suck. I want whats best for all my children. And shock, awe, shock, sometimes whats best. Is whats hard, or painful, or just a pain in the ass. I love you Pan. This is the get go of an aweful great adventure!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
People that taught me something
1) Dottie Hylback: Taught me that love is unconditional and has no excuses.
2) Grandpa, Louis Vaughn Barclay: Taught me that a hug trully can heal. And how to tie a slip knot, gut a fish, train a dog, and to be me.
3) Uncle, Lowell Stauffer: Taught me to be real about my capabilities, I can if I know I can, and I should know that I CAN do anything I put my mind to.
4) Kay Kuhnle: It is possible to meet someone half way and walk away pleased. And to always protect your own ass.
5) Joann Kuhnle: Sometimes just being quiot while someone tells their story is the greatest gift you can give.
6) Shirley Emerson: How to have a green thumb and to be calm.
7) Lief Hylback & Roger Herring: How to dance, really trully dance, without fear, with freedom and light and grace and JOY.
8) My dad Dennis Barclay: How to punch a boy in the nose if he teased you, or kick him in the shin. How to have fun with my kids by being a fun dad, how to dig for clams, fish, crab, the names of everything I saw, and that racing him in Disney Land was the funnest part of being at Disney Land. And lets not forget how to spit and the appropriate time to give someone the finger.
9) My mom Joan Barclay: How to hate tuna casserole but love the person that tortured you with making it! How to be artistic and creative, how to clean a house, and how to laugh even in the scariest moments.
10) Veronica Lee Mitchell Scarr Boehm: Taught me that scary people are often the bestest of friends, the funniest of characters, and the most creative of souls.
11) Jennifer Jo Smith Moon: Taught me that sometimes the best people in your life often start out as what you think are weeds.
12) Katherine Lee Simmons Hurd: Taught me that saying whats on my mind is perfectly alright, and farting in public is hilarious. That sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs like a mad woman is the only course of action at the moment. And it feels FABULOUS!
13) Victoria Ann Barclay Dehnert: Sisters really are best friends even when they don't talk for ages and ever. That Barbie Dolls SUCK but chillin with your little sister doesn't, that even though someone comes running at you with scissors does not mean that they are not afraid of you. Any one who will dig up your cat that has been dead for three days without your prior knowledge so that you can say a proper goodbye is AWESOME.
14)Lymon Grant Hurd: serenity.
15) Amanda Victoria Davis: How to be a mom
17) Sierra Rachelle Yocom: How to be a better mom,patience
18) Lynndsey Nadine Yocom: How to be an even better mom, have more patience and to be creative about punishments fitting the crime.
19) My moo Donna Sterling: That wearing your mothers levi's is never easy but it is always a learning experience and that is awesome!
20)Tannis Marie Chamberlain: I am NOT always right, but I am NOT always wrong either and its okay.
21) Victor Larson: Taught me that I really can write and I really do know the answer to 6 x 8. And that it is easier to believe in yourself when others believe in you.
22) John Derek Clark: Best friends ever come in very strange packages indeed.
23) There is a conglomeration of others who have taught me invaluable lessons and for them I am just as grateful as I am to those named above.
My grandma Barclay taught me that not everything can be healed with homemade snickerdoodles but they sure are good, my Auntie Ann taught me that gods grace is avaible to everyone, my Aunt Babe taught me to not be afraid of water...I bet she doesn't even know that! My friend Tracy Joy Maxwell taught me how to be a good friend by continuing to be one even and especially when I wasn't. I learned so much more from Tracy but thats between us. There are teachers and strangers and preachers in the mix that have shown me, told me, taught me so much. Thank You! Each and every flower in my garden holds the name of someone out there who effected me in some way. Even small. Like my first grade teacher Mrs. Funston who understood that sometimes a kid just has a bad day and it doesn't mean the kid is bad. Like the lady who paid for my court document copies because she knew I needed them and I had no money. Like the people who have stopped on the side of the road when vehicles of mine have broken down and they offered their assistance. What awesomeness this world holds. What phenominal souls inhabit this earth. What amazing things their are to behold. To learn, To be.
I am trully blessed. I trully am.
2) Grandpa, Louis Vaughn Barclay: Taught me that a hug trully can heal. And how to tie a slip knot, gut a fish, train a dog, and to be me.
3) Uncle, Lowell Stauffer: Taught me to be real about my capabilities, I can if I know I can, and I should know that I CAN do anything I put my mind to.
4) Kay Kuhnle: It is possible to meet someone half way and walk away pleased. And to always protect your own ass.
5) Joann Kuhnle: Sometimes just being quiot while someone tells their story is the greatest gift you can give.
6) Shirley Emerson: How to have a green thumb and to be calm.
7) Lief Hylback & Roger Herring: How to dance, really trully dance, without fear, with freedom and light and grace and JOY.
8) My dad Dennis Barclay: How to punch a boy in the nose if he teased you, or kick him in the shin. How to have fun with my kids by being a fun dad, how to dig for clams, fish, crab, the names of everything I saw, and that racing him in Disney Land was the funnest part of being at Disney Land. And lets not forget how to spit and the appropriate time to give someone the finger.
9) My mom Joan Barclay: How to hate tuna casserole but love the person that tortured you with making it! How to be artistic and creative, how to clean a house, and how to laugh even in the scariest moments.
10) Veronica Lee Mitchell Scarr Boehm: Taught me that scary people are often the bestest of friends, the funniest of characters, and the most creative of souls.
11) Jennifer Jo Smith Moon: Taught me that sometimes the best people in your life often start out as what you think are weeds.
12) Katherine Lee Simmons Hurd: Taught me that saying whats on my mind is perfectly alright, and farting in public is hilarious. That sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs like a mad woman is the only course of action at the moment. And it feels FABULOUS!
13) Victoria Ann Barclay Dehnert: Sisters really are best friends even when they don't talk for ages and ever. That Barbie Dolls SUCK but chillin with your little sister doesn't, that even though someone comes running at you with scissors does not mean that they are not afraid of you. Any one who will dig up your cat that has been dead for three days without your prior knowledge so that you can say a proper goodbye is AWESOME.
14)Lymon Grant Hurd: serenity.
15) Amanda Victoria Davis: How to be a mom
17) Sierra Rachelle Yocom: How to be a better mom,patience
18) Lynndsey Nadine Yocom: How to be an even better mom, have more patience and to be creative about punishments fitting the crime.
19) My moo Donna Sterling: That wearing your mothers levi's is never easy but it is always a learning experience and that is awesome!
20)Tannis Marie Chamberlain: I am NOT always right, but I am NOT always wrong either and its okay.
21) Victor Larson: Taught me that I really can write and I really do know the answer to 6 x 8. And that it is easier to believe in yourself when others believe in you.
22) John Derek Clark: Best friends ever come in very strange packages indeed.
23) There is a conglomeration of others who have taught me invaluable lessons and for them I am just as grateful as I am to those named above.
My grandma Barclay taught me that not everything can be healed with homemade snickerdoodles but they sure are good, my Auntie Ann taught me that gods grace is avaible to everyone, my Aunt Babe taught me to not be afraid of water...I bet she doesn't even know that! My friend Tracy Joy Maxwell taught me how to be a good friend by continuing to be one even and especially when I wasn't. I learned so much more from Tracy but thats between us. There are teachers and strangers and preachers in the mix that have shown me, told me, taught me so much. Thank You! Each and every flower in my garden holds the name of someone out there who effected me in some way. Even small. Like my first grade teacher Mrs. Funston who understood that sometimes a kid just has a bad day and it doesn't mean the kid is bad. Like the lady who paid for my court document copies because she knew I needed them and I had no money. Like the people who have stopped on the side of the road when vehicles of mine have broken down and they offered their assistance. What awesomeness this world holds. What phenominal souls inhabit this earth. What amazing things their are to behold. To learn, To be.
I am trully blessed. I trully am.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Not Much
Well there still isn't much going on. I am still here at my sister's house due to a family emergency. I really do want to go home though. My back and hips are really hurting from sleeping on the damn couch. But I am more concerned about my nephew then myself. I just want to go home now that he is okay. Waiting for the weekend and to see if my sister will be okay if I go. Shoot. I hate this kinda shit. I feel bad for whats going on around here though.
All will be well if I go I am sure of that. But she isn't and I know she would rather have me here and know that nothing will happen. But I can't stay forever. I guess its selfish of me to want to go home. But thats the truth and I'm stickin to it. I want to go home and sleep in my room in my bed and watch my tv. And play guitar hero. And hang out with friends. Although being here and visiting has been awesome. Tannis and I went out and played pool on Monday that rocked!
Its just been nice to spend time with people I love and care about,. But I am tired and done now and just well. I want to go home.
All will be well if I go I am sure of that. But she isn't and I know she would rather have me here and know that nothing will happen. But I can't stay forever. I guess its selfish of me to want to go home. But thats the truth and I'm stickin to it. I want to go home and sleep in my room in my bed and watch my tv. And play guitar hero. And hang out with friends. Although being here and visiting has been awesome. Tannis and I went out and played pool on Monday that rocked!
Its just been nice to spend time with people I love and care about,. But I am tired and done now and just well. I want to go home.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thoughts
A lot going on lately. Haven't time to order my thoughts around in my brain let a lone put them anywhere in a journal. I had forgotten how important journaling was to me. How much of a release it is to get stuff out of my head instead of trying to find a place to file it away.
I can't even remember my last entry or when I wrote it.
I am at my sisters house in Lake Stevens right now. There are some pretty serious issues going on with my nephew right now. Leaving him alone is not an option. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. He is going to see a movie tonight with a friend which is awesome. He was so excited all day. It was wonderful to see the light in his eyes again. I miss my bed and my room and my home with a view but I would not trade my nephew in for anything. I am glad to be here for him and for my sister. It does make me miss my kids even more. They are doing so well with their dad though. Bellie actually has A's!! I am so proud of her.!!!! They have friends and a life and I don't want to take that stability away from them. I wish Amanda could come and live with me now that she is out of job chore. Unfortunatley for the moment I am living with roommates and they don't want any more people in the house. They are expecting a baby and things are about to get crazy. I am hoping that my ducks will continue to line up and I can be in a place by summer. But I am not holding my breath and no one else should hold theirs.
I guess I really didn't have much more to say then that. Huh. I thought I would be here typing for hours. Their is so much going on in my head. I guess its just not organized enough to emerge yet.
I can't even remember my last entry or when I wrote it.
I am at my sisters house in Lake Stevens right now. There are some pretty serious issues going on with my nephew right now. Leaving him alone is not an option. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. He is going to see a movie tonight with a friend which is awesome. He was so excited all day. It was wonderful to see the light in his eyes again. I miss my bed and my room and my home with a view but I would not trade my nephew in for anything. I am glad to be here for him and for my sister. It does make me miss my kids even more. They are doing so well with their dad though. Bellie actually has A's!! I am so proud of her.!!!! They have friends and a life and I don't want to take that stability away from them. I wish Amanda could come and live with me now that she is out of job chore. Unfortunatley for the moment I am living with roommates and they don't want any more people in the house. They are expecting a baby and things are about to get crazy. I am hoping that my ducks will continue to line up and I can be in a place by summer. But I am not holding my breath and no one else should hold theirs.
I guess I really didn't have much more to say then that. Huh. I thought I would be here typing for hours. Their is so much going on in my head. I guess its just not organized enough to emerge yet.