daddy

Today was a good day and a bad day. I went to see my dad. I almost didn't recoginize him. He was very sleep as it was later in the afternoon, I hear he is more with it in the early mornings which makes absolute sense. But wow was I not ready for that sight. He doesn't look like my daddy anymore. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. He has lost so much weight and even more of the spark that is him. Jim told me we could go see him again on sunday earlier in the day and I know I need to, and I want to but I don't want to. Seeing him was so damn hard. I just feel so bad for him. I know my mom must go through hell everytime she sees him. I was expecting him to look bad, but not this bad! I have worked in the elderly care business for 12 years and I knew it would be hard to see him the way he is. I debated it and debated it. I want to remember my dad as the strong young man he once was, as the older man who was still traveling and golfing and cracking jokes and making up sayings that you really had to think about before you got it. He was smart as a whip and just a sharp tongued. I miss that. Seeing him was good and bad and really really hard. I have been crying off and on since I saw him.
And all the stuff going on with Jim isn't helping. Thats a long story which I am so not ready to tell at 12 53 in the morning. I need to try to go to sleep.