Everything is cool.Thank you for the great advice. Billy and I talked. He is awesome.
Thats all I got to say about that!!!!! Going out tonight!!! YAY going somewhere new tonight.

Well I just don't know what to do.

The doubts are setting in now. I think I feel more for Billy then he feels for me.
I think he might just be here because of what I can offer to him and not because he likes me in particular. Not that I have much to give. Just a lot of love, food, and a roof over his head.
He is affectionate though. Just not.....I don't know how to explain it. I am a bit confused.
I feel that I want him to be here more then he wants to be.
Does that make sense the way I put that?
Maybe it is just me. My back hurts and pain always gets me down.
L & I is done and over with and I have to see about being on welfare again. I don't like this.
I have been unable to get a job for one reason or another. I am still disapointed by the last one that didn't work out. My bladder betrayed me! And the other lady still hasn't called me back. I did call her and she said she hadn't gotten my state patrol check back yet. Well The Herald got mine back right away so I think that was just an excuse to put me off. I am beginning to wonder if people aren't hiring me because I was on L & I for so long. I know it bothers some of them. Because they have asked about it in depth. I really don't feel like I can carry a job right now.
My fibromyalgia is acting up along with degenerative disc disease and the arthritis in my hips.
In other words I am not a human being right now. I am nothing but pain and inflamation and that is getting me down. I hate pain. It is just so damn annoying. And I start to think weird.
Like with Billy. We did are thing last night. I didn't ...climax and I know it was because I am hurting but he didn't seem to care. And that bothered me. Was he just doing it for his pleasure and not conscerned with mine? He cared though when I rolled over. He asked me what was wrong and snuggled up to me. I just told him that my back hurt and he rubbed my back. But I still felt disapointed in him for not caring that I didn't derive as much pleasure as he did from our activities. I really bothers me. Its like we do that when he wants to and not when I want to. Although I know that isn't true either. Not all the time anyway. And it has only been a week that we have been together. I mean, I know I am being ridiculous and I know its because of pain. And if I had a uterus I believe I would be riding the cotton pony right now. Its just that. Well. HE DIDN"T CARE. He just got off and got off. Ten minutes tops. I understand sometimes men just do that. They can't help it or what ever. They just go off. And we have done it alot except for the day before we didn't. So I guess I just want to know if I am being ridiculous. Is this behavior a precursor to the future. Is it always going to be like this. I am over analyzing and reacting but it just seems to me that he should have cared how and what I was feeling. Especially since this is the start of our relationship and he should still be in the " let me impress you stage." On the other hand I appreciate the fact that he is being who he is and I am being who I am and that is how we are. There is a great comfort level there. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way.
No sex is not the most important part of a relationship and I will be the first to say it. BUT. ( Who knew that was coming!?) It is important for me to feel loved and to feel important and to feel wanted and desired and I need to feel that HE cares that I enjoy it as much as he does. I make sure he is having a good time, I expect the same back. I do my best to ensure that he knows he is important and loved and wanted and desired. I expect the same in return.
I know I need to talk to Billy about this, but suddenly I don't know if it is even worth it to do so.
Which again is a result of feeling yucky because of pain. And I don't want to make him feel bad.
I just can't continue feeling bad myself though. That will not work. PERIOD. So tonight I am gonna have to figure out how to tell Mr. Billy how I feel with out hurting his feelings or making him feel insulted. And it really isn't him. It is me. It is how I am perseiving things. I soooo did not spell that right! Too tired. couldn't sleep all night thinking about this stuff.

I feel like a ghost

No one is here, I am alone.
No one to talk to,
no one to visit with.
All are busy
running their lives in circles.
Can't stop now.
Take a little time to rest.
Smell the rain and behold the roses.
Alone, lonely not.
Just singular.
As the sun,
I see all, and nothing.
I am bright, and fade behind the clouds
of forgotten wisdom.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone am I.
I must find some worms.
Depressed for not.
Feeling chilly,
Will another shower help?
Stagnant my blood is.
Heart flowing behind its comfort zone.
Allowed in,
amazing,
with me.
I think I love him.
Where did every body go????



Please also read the following post...

Reaching out

Just about every where you go you can find a Build a Bear store.
Come to find out these folks do some pretty great things with them thar bears.
Lots of contributions to needy families and sick kids and things of that sort.
You can help Build a Bear continue to do this by buying a heart for a dollar.
Here are some links for more information.
Please consider buying a heart and when you get it, hold it next to your own heart and say a prayer or make a wish for Rebekah and then send her the heart.
http://www.buildabear.com/shop/productdetail.aspx?ProductSKU=7601
http://www.buildabear.com/default.aspx
http://www.buildabear.com/
http://www.buildabear.com/aboutUs/community/
http://rebekahspage.blogspot.com/
http://www.helprebekah.com/

Have fun building bears and helping a beautiful little girl, and many other people in the process!

Well F*U*C*K!!

I didn't get the job at the Herald after all. I couldn't pee in that damn cup and they can't do any other testing method. This really sucks. I wish I could have gotten that job. The lady that hired me was quite upset. She really wanted to work with me. Well it just means that something else will come along. Hopefully I won't have to pee in a damn cup. I can't believe that drugs have become so much of a problem that employers have to do ua's as a condition of hire.
Sucks for those of us who could pass a u a no problem. If we could just pee in the cup.Ug
On the other hand maybe this is because I am supposed to move it Moses Lake.
My friend Katie talked to her aunt and uncle. They just had her move over there because they own all kinds of apartments and trailer parks and they needed help. Well they still need help and they said I could go over and have a two bedroom apartment with my dogs and cats, and only pay 400.00 a month for rent and included in that is electic and cable! Do you know how cheap that is!
And right outside my front door. A POOL!
I am seriously considering going. Billy is on probabation though for something stupid so he would have to get permission. Anyway, in June his probabtion is up.
So I might just be moving to Texas!
In March we are going to Louisville Kentucky for a truck show.
Billy does polishing and detail. Specializes in big rigs. He has a job to do there so thats where we will be for ten days!!! WOOO HOOO. I need to find a blogger in Kentucky to meet! Well we will be driving too so I might just get to meet a few of you anyway!!!!! And we will be going to more truck shows all over the country all summer. In August we are just going to do a circuit. My kids will be at their repsective fathers familys for that month so I am free to move about the country.
Cool Eh. I can't wait. Do you know how many bloggers I could potentially meet!!
I am so excited about that. And I get to travel WOOT!!!! Billy is going to teach me his trade so I can help him. We are trying to get as many trucks as he can do.
So if you know anyone with a big rig send them our way. Billy has refrences up the wazoo. The lady who plans the shows gives Billys name to anyone who asks her if she knows any one. Yes, he is that good at what he does.
I will go find the link to the truck he is doing for the Kentucky show.
Okay I am going to have to find them later. I found the chrome shop mafia page but I couldn't find the truck Billy is doing. I will have him find it and put in the link. The truck is fucking sweeeeet. It has wood fucking floors!!!!

Hello Every body

Wooo my nose hurts it is so stuffed up. Had fun last night except for the drama. It was easily solved though. T, I love you and I am grateful that you love me and want to look out for me.
Things just could have been handled differently on both parts.
When Billy and I left here we were expecting drama from some one else. They didn't give us the drama, we were surprised out of left field with what happend. I really don't know how things got to the point they did. I know neither one of you were listening to the other. I hope this gets resolved. I can see myself falling in love with Billy. I am sure in time things will be okay.
I love you Tannis. You are my sister and one of my best friends. I hope when things chill out a bit you and Billy can sit and talk. He is more then willing to make that effort because of how he feels about me and the kids. And you have to admit. Jason would have left and he would have hit you. Billy did neither of those things.

Its official

The Queen is taken.
I don't know how it is going to work out. I don't know what is going to happen, I have trust issues and Billy has sticken with one woman problems. But he says he wants to stick with me and stop being so silly. Well we'll see. I told him I would try things a different way this time. I will give him full trust until or unless he gives me a reason not to trust him. I don't care who he flirts with, dances with, whatever. As long as everyone knows we are together and that he is going home with me we are all good. With the understanding of course that I will flirt with and hang on to who ever I want to. Because we are both very flirtatious folks. I don't want to change something about him that I liked when I met him! That seems ridiculous to me. As long as he aint stickin it to no one else we will be just fine. And even that I am open minded about. That is a discusion for my other blog though.
Well I don't know what we are doing tonight. There are supposed to be a couple of folks at the bar tonight that I don't particularly care to see. I guess I am just nervous about what might happen. Clay will be there and so will Berta his roommate and sometime girlfriend. And Sally.
She has been a strange part of my life since I was in sixth grade. I married her first fiance. Stole im I did. And the only thing good that came of that was my two beautiful babies, so no regrets there obviously. Did I mention that Sally also dated Clay and Billy??
Well she did, and she is really good friends with Berta. And I slept with Clay last weekend.
The whore in me totally one last weekend. Everyone keeps telling me that I am not a whore.
But I am sorry. I have not yet reached my 35 th birthday and I have slept with 35 men in my lifetime. Maybe one or two more. I need to recount. Anyway. SO they are all going to be down at Happy Land and I just don't want to get the looks. And I really don't want to hear anything either. Oh well. I also want to sing. I think I am gonna take my Staind cd and try out my song.
We'll see what happens. Wish me luck. Oh yeah. Does anyone have a spare altenator rolling around in their garage. I need one. I got to see another angel last night though when my car died in the dark on the main street. An elderly gentleman stopped, pushed my car out of the way and gave me a jump. By then Tannis was there and she followed me home. Well I am gonna go listen to my song. I don't know how much longer I will have internet again now. Jen is moving in with Richard. Hopefully it won't take me long to get my cable bill paid off and get it hooked up myself.
I just wish they didn't have such a huge hook up fee. But you get what you pay for and Cable internet is the best I have ever had.

Creativity???

I am working on a website for a friend. I need to know if I am on the right track. Please check out this link. http://renegade-auto-detail.blogspot.com/
And tell me what you think.
Thank You.

Prayers and meditations going out around the world

I got this in my email, forwarded from my Moo. I wanted to post it because it is Important to me that we all remember our loved ones in the services now and the ones who have served in the past. THANK YOU.
Military The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either. He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student,pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away. He listens to rock and roll or hip-hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm howizzitor. He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk.He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must. He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job. He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more sufferingand death then he should have in his short lifetime. He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them.He has wept in public and in private, for friends who have fallen in combatand is unashamed. He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those around him who haven't bothered to stand,remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out,far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood. And now we even have woman over there in danger,doing their part in this tradition of going to War when our nation calls us to do so. As you go to bed tonight, remember this shot.. A short lull, a little shade and a picture of loved ones in their helmets Prayer wheel for our military... please don't break it. Please send this on after a short prayer.Prayer Wheel"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen." Prayer : When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayerfor our ground troops in Afghanistan, sailors on ships, and airmen in the air,and for those in Iraq. There is nothing attached.... This can be very powerful....... Of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Coastguardsman, Marineor Airman, prayer is the very best one.I can't break this one, sorryThis is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray.

PRAY!!

THAT I CAN PEE IN THE CUP!
I was already there for three tries, I have to go really really really bad. I am trying to hold it still though. I have to go back. They normally don't let people go back in the same day, but because I always have this problem. Ever since I was little, they are letting me try again later. As long as it is before five. So after my L& I meeting I am going back. If you read this between now and then please wish for me that I can pee in that stupid little cup.......

woo ooo woo ooo wooo oooooooooo

I got a job!
I got a job!!!
I got a job with the local paper!!!!
I got a job!!
I got a job!!!
Wooo ooooooo I got a job!!!!!!!!!!!

My life confuses me

I am the only person I know who has to make the kind of choices I have to make.
I got a check today for 317.00
With that I need to get all my laundry soaps, dog food, garbage bags, etc, etc, etc.
I also need to pay my rent, by a new pair of shoes, and another pair of pants, put gas in my car, and pay my phone bill. I have to get that paid otherwise the two jobs that I am getting will have no way of getting ahold of me. I have to put gas in my car to be able to get to drug testing and work and all that kind of thing, I need to have another pair of pants because I am down to three and one of those is a pair of very beat up sweats. I had to buy laundry soap and all that because I have to be clean and so do my kids. I had to buy pet food because the animals have to eat.
Do you know how much this leaves me to pay on the rent? Nodda. I have applied for an emergency grant, and I am going to go to Volunteers of America tomarrow to see if they can help me with clothes. I need to make some kind of payment to electric bill because moo moved out and I need to have electricity. It is in her name at the moment. But won't be very soon.
This is not good. All I can hope for is that my landlord will work with me and give me just a tad bit more time to get this months rent paid.
As for Billy I don't know where he is. It is 10:49 at night he said he would be here between 7 and 8 pm.
I took down the other posts because I feel like I am jinxing things. I really like him and he says he likes me. He says he is moving in. A dude. I am confused. He is a big boy though, and I we aren't together officially so I can't even yell at him when I do see him. Men are idiots. And so am I. No wonder I get treated like a whore. I am one.

japanese name

My japanese name is 遠藤 Endoh (distant wisteria) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

GO HAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY WERE GOOD ENOUGH TO GET

WHERE THEY GOT.

BUT THEY WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

TO BEAT THE HAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOT WOOT WOOT WOOT!!!!

HAWKS WIN!!!!

SEATTLE

IS GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL

YEEEEEE HAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Whenever it appears

My new little icon dude is a frog. And it is a frog that my daughter Sierra drew on the computer. I don't know how she does this stuff. She never ceases to amaze me with her artistic ability. It even flows out through a mouse. I can hardly get the mouse to go were I want it to go. Let alone to draw something and have it come out recognizable and cool like bellie did. I am going to share my new tatoo ideas too.
Oh I can't wait until the day comes when I can get them all done!!!!
The fairy doggie at the top of my blog is going to go on my hip. Its for Sierra. She has requested that I get it for her. Amanda has a Panda. And Lynn is going to have a whinnie the pooh. Not alot going on here...
Going out with Devry again tonight. Gonna go sing Kareoke. We did a kick ass rendition of the monkeys song Day dream believer. I wouldn't mind singing it again tonight. THen Devry and Billy did Save a horse ride a cowboy it was pretty damn good too. Billy stayed here last night. He is just a kick in the pants to hang out with. Hopefully tonight we will have a blast again like we did last night. Their is another bar right close to Happy Land called Frasiers. We went over there for a little bit too and we had a good time. Devry was dancing in a circle of like four girls gettin his groove on. He tried to get me to dance but yeah I just wasn't up for it. I have to feel in the mood and comfortable and all kinds of things just have to be right and then I am still weirded out. I don't know why. I can get up in front of a theater of people and do any part of Rocky Horror Picture show. I can get up in front of the bar and sing with my horrible voice. But I can't dance and enjoy myself at the same time when I am at a bar. Weird huh.?

NOBODY LOVES ME!!!!!

Sad

Well the puppy I got yesterday had to go back. The landlord approached me just a bit ago to inform me that those particular pittbulls are not allowed on this property.
He really doesn't want any here period. But those especially so he told me to get rid of it today. SO back to Tommy he went. He was so sweet too. And now he is gonna grow up and be agressive against other dogs because Tommy will keep him with his mother who has killed two other dogs and seriously injured several others.
So I guess that wasn't meant to be. I can only go with the flow. I am sure there is a reason for it.
I am still said though.

POST SOMETHING POST * Just for David*

SOMETHING**







Just kidding! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay well lets see. So much has been going on. I really don't know what to blog about first. I was thinking last night about advice.
The advice that I give to others. Recently ( two days ago) Nej told me how right I am. She has been taking my advice lately and has found that things that I have been saying to her for years are true and right. Hmmm. Then I was giving my friend Max some advice and he told me that I needed to meet his dad. Seems me and the old man have been giving Max the same advice and we have never even spoken to each other on the phone. So Max has been listening to us and has found us to be correct. The funny thing is is that I found myself giving advice to Nej and Max that I really need to consider for my own self. Made me think about all the times I have been given great advice by someone and then wondered why they didn't apply it to themselves. We are all like that. It is so much easier to advise and encourage others in their lives then it is to advise and encourage ourselves. Isn't that just fucked up!
So I made a decision. I am going to follow my own damn advice.
Because I make sense dammit. And it is time for ME to realize that.
I am suprised anyone took me seriosly when I wasn't taking myself seriously. How can I ask anyone to trust me if I don't trust myself?
Time to change that. TODAY.
******
In other news. I got another puppy today. He is an English Pittbull Terrier.
His name is now Malaki. He was my friends dog that he had given to his girlfriend. But girlfriend made him take it back when they broke up.
He actually got two puppies back. So I had wanted one when they were first born. Now I ended up with one. The sweetest one if I may say so myself. So Now I have Three dogs. A wirehair Duschund, an American Yellow Lab, and a Staffordshire Pittbull Terrier. Or English Pitt. They are shorter then the American Pitt. Which is what Kilo is, thats Nejs dog, and since she just moved in with me Kilo is here too. Along with my moms dog may when she is here.Also that means that even though I gave away the worst cat, I am back up tp six, because Nej has two cats.
Lets do another count.
Mine**
3 dogs) Daezee Dukers, Boceaphus Cleatus Lionel, and Malaki Jethro.
4 cats) Lakota Joe, Sunni Mornin,Buddah, and Rocki Diesel.
2 Fish tanks
3 birds, Buddy(parakeet) and Cleo, and Leo, ( cockatiels)
1 Anole ( lizard ((chameleon)) ) named Thunder.
Nej**
1 HUGE ASS DOG Kilo
2 Cats Ottis,and Sassy
Mom**
1 Tiny ass dog ( chihuahua) Daisy May

***
I think I have a sickness that makes me addicted to animals. I have to have something though.
Animals, incense, and chocolate.
Hell I could be smoking. I can't believe its been damn near 8 months already!!!!!

Your Life Path Number is 22

Your purpose in life is to use your power for good Of all the life paths, yours has the most innate power.Your power lies in your vision, and you must recruit others to help you in this vision.You are able to be a great idealist, but you still have the practicality to get things done. In love, you tend to be a big romantic - but you also tend to keep your distance. You have a lot of potential, and it's sometimes hard to live up to.Sometimes you just feel like slipping into obscurity and doing nothing.You tend to be prone to dramatic emotions, until you step back and look at things honestly.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

IIIIMMMMMM BAAAACCCKKKKKK

I will be spending time visiting around blogville!!!!!!

update

screw it. Heres the link http://cradoodled.blogspot.com/ . Too my new naughty blog. Don't go unless ya want to be naughty !!!!