November 29th 2011

Well thanksgiving has come and gone. It was awesome had all three of my kids here plus my grand daughter and son in law, nephew bug, and then my sister and the rest of her family stopped in for desert and to deliver a christmas tree!!! Its been interesting having the kids here for so long after five years of them living with their dad for school. I LOVE IT!!!
Lynn and I are discovering boundaries. She is at the age of figuring out who she is and who she wants to be so there are times when the attitude needs to be turned down. She will grow out of it. Christmas is going to be awesome in many ways. We have a beautiful tree and lights already. There will be home made gifts only under our tree. I hope that goes over okay with the girls. I want them to understand that Yule is about much more then they ever knew before. Its not about Jesus or God in this house. I know it is in their dads so I will respect their beliefs completely. But I don't have money to pay for gifts in true christian fashion. I am pagan and I celebrate this time of year a bit differently then most people. I want the girls to learn about it and see that it isn't evil. They can make up their own minds as to what religion or faith they wish to follow. If any.
This should be a lesson in respect and open mindedness for all of us!! I am very excited about sharing my beliefs with the girls. Now that they are old enough to trully understand. I won't shove it down their throats. I never have. And if they don't want to hear about it they don't have to, but they will respect my faith as I respect theirs.

Happy Yule to you and yours

Decision

I have made a very difficult decision to break it off with Jim. My heart is breaking but it must be done. I just need to let him go. I can't take care of him anymore. He is forty years old and capable of taking care of himself and as long as I am doing it all for him and as long as he expects me too, and I do have to keep doing things, I have two kids who live here too and things have to get done. He will never change, he will never take control of his life and his unemployment situation. I love Jim, but everything that I am doing for him is actually hurting him and my kids, and me. I can't go into debt any more then I already am. I wish things were different. I love him and I need him to leave before I hate and resent him.

health

I am retaining water again, no matter what I do it won't go away.
Its hard to breathe again. I have a Dr. appointment on friday because that was the soonest I could get in.
I am still waiting for a referral to the cardiologist. I just want all this to stop, I want to feel good for the last half of my life. The first half I have felt like crap, soemthing is always wrong with me, or something always hurts. I want to feel good and have energy like normal people

Sometimes the best things turn out to be terrible and life threatning

Almost two years ago my sister friend Jen got a life changing, life saving kidney and pancreas transplant.
The operation was succesful, the recovery was smooth and eventless. She went home after the required time. The night before she was going to leave Idaho to move here to Washington she was bit by one of her ex-boyfriends dogs. It was a complete accident and trully Jens fault as she walked her happy ass into the middle of a dog fight, one of the dogs went to bite the other and got Jen instead. The bite was severe and her ex took her to the ER where she received stitches and antibiotics. Unbeknownst to any of us, she also received that night the parvo B 19 virus from the dog. It is the human parvo virus. We normally cannot get it, but because she was susceptible do to all the medications she was on to prevent her new organs from being rejected she got it.
About two months after she got here she was feeling very weak and was having a hard time breathing. I made her go to the Doc. and they ran blood tests, her red blood count was very very low and she had to have a blood transfusion. When the tests came back we learned of the virus which was killing her red blood cells. She had to have an IVIG treatment. Intra venous Immunoglobulin. The first couple of those didin't really bother her much, but with each one the pain increased. Jen says now she needs pain killers while she gets the treatment and it still feels like someone is pouring fire into her veins. She has had to have blood every 80 to 90 days just to stay alive, and has had seven IVIG treatments. Her bone marrow is toast. She now has to have chemo to completely destroy the marrow and then she has to have a bone marrow transplant. It is the only way to make sure there is no virus in her bone marrow, and the only way to possibly and hopefully restore a healthy bone marrow to her body. She is looking at at least six more months of hell. She is regretting ever getting the transplant because of everything that has happend since. This was supposed to be her second chance at life. So far it has done nothing but make her miserable. I pray every day that Jen gets better and that this bone marrow transplant works and that for once in her short life of 39 years and being a fragile diabetic since 18 months old that she just gets to have as normal and event free life as possible. No more medical emergencies! I have seen her fight her way back so many times from the brink of death. She is very tired now and I worry that without that fight in her she will fade away. At this point I can't blame her. I would have given up long ago. I can see it every day that the spark she has is dwindling. If any one reads this, please add Jen to your prayers to what ever higher power you believe in. Please send positive thoughts and healing energy her way. Thank You

Its Halloween!

And for the first time in five years my youngest daughters are with me! Its amazing to see how much they change and grow each day into the wonderful women they will someday be. Not to say they are not wonderful kids, because they trully are. I am so hopeful for their futures being bright as the sun. They have such talents and wonderful personalities! I feel so lucky that they decided to stay with me this year. I do feel for their dad. I guess we kind of blind sided him with their decision. He doesn't take these kinds of things well. I cannot how ever focus on that. I have to focus on making sure the girls are healthy and happy and have lots of experiences that help them grow into adults of the finest order. Kids cannot grow up to be productive members of society if they are hidden away from the world and only allowed to go to school or go no further then the mail box. A mail box which is at the end of a very short drive way. Do I worry about their safety. Absolutely! But I cannot allow my fears to stunt their growth. They must be allowed to experience life! They must be allowed to make mistakes and  do bad things. How else will they learn the lessons we all learned? People don't learn by being told. Jeez what a different and very boring world it would be if that were the case. Right now the girls are out with Jim trick or treating. I didn't want them to go alone and I do not do well walking in the cold so Jim said he would go. They walked thru the cemetary to the neighborhood on the other side of it. Their father would never have done that! Or let them go with someone to do it. They have also been to a homecoming dance, and Lynn went to a halloween party saturday night. The parents picked her up and brought her home. Sierra goes to the neighbor boys house at least twice a week to play video games. They are both teenagers. I know that I can trust Sierra though. She has no interest in even having a boyfriend let alone kissing one. She actually thinks about becoming a nun. Then again she also thinks of becoming a cop. Go figure! I told her that she could do what ever she wanted to do and that her father would be proud of her. She doesn't beleive me she thinks she has to do what would make her dad happy or he will continue to not talk to her. I think thats the saddest thing I ever heard. Of course he is proving her point by having no communication with them for over a month now. Makes me so mad. Again I cannot focus on that. This family is going places and my girls are the most important! That includes my oldest daughter and grand daughter too. Aryana will be one year old on November eighth! Holy crow time flies!
Happy Halloween Everyone!!
Brightest Samhain Blessings !!

Been a minute

Well Jim is home from hunting now. He didn't get anything. I guess he and Dale are going to go out a few times around here. So he will be gone all day but be home every night. I think its good for him to get out of the house. But I am glad he will be home at night. Now I have two weeks worth of sleep to catch up on and not sleeping has taken its toll. I am getting sick. Lynn just missed two days of school from being sick so I figure some little cold is going around any way. Yuck. Had a fun weekend with the kids. It was mostly just kicking back and relaxing, but Lynn got to have her boyfriend over to visit so she is on a happy high. Sierra got to play video games all weekend and so she is happy. Laundry from Jims hunting is almost done. I hate the smell of smoke. It makes me so sick. The foster dog is doing great. He is just a total love bug. I am sure he will make someone a very wonderful pet. He deserves a happy ever after. After what he has been through the first three years of his life he needs a happy ever after. I don't know how anyone can just leave a dog in a crate and barely ever feed it or give it water. Never give it a bath and never take it for a walk. Not only did SJ have that happen to him. There were over one hundred others. Some of them had to be put down so they could stop suffering. It just breaks my heart. It will be hard to say goodbye to SJ but we will know we helped give him a second chance at a great life.

Today

My daughters cat Jadie decided to tell me she was stuck in the cemetary. Which is just on the other side of the fence from our yard. So I walk all the way around to the opening, and all the way around to the back of our yard, and can't find Jadie. I do how ever run into my cat Minion. He never lets me go in the cemetary with out him. Finally as I am setting some flags and flowers to rights, I hear Jadie meowing. She is back in our yard. Magic cat!! So I walk all the way back around to the yard, and call for her. Minion trailing me the entire way, sometimes leading the way, when I would stop to fix a flag or set a toy or flower pot back where it belongs. He thinks I don't know how to get back home. So sweet. I get home and call for Jadie. She is of course back in the cemetary. I decide she can stay there and play for awhile. She obviously has wings or some such thing to get over that dang fence!

stuff

I have decided to try to start writing here every day. I used to do that. It was very cathartic.
I think I need the outlet again. It helps with my creativity too. I have a lot to say that most people don't want to hear or read about so I may as well write it here. Even if there is someone out there who spies on me and tries her hardest to hate me. I have done you no wrong! You have only what he says to go by. I hope you know he cheats on you and always will, he can't help it. He has never been able to keep it in his pants and give it to only one woman. Either you deal or you leave. I left.
Thats all I have to say about that, I hope she reads it and then leaves me alone. I don't need to be spied on. If any one wants to know anything all they have to do is ask me. I have nothing to hide. I do want my privacy, but if someone really wants to know. I will tell them.
So anyway, I graduate November 19th!! Actually walk across a stage in a cap and gown graduate!!
First time in my life that I finished school! I am a medical assistant and I am studying for my CMA exam. Which means I will be able to work any where in the united states! YAY!!
I want to move to Hawaii someday. I figure in three to five years I will able to do it.
Its a life goal and I will reach it. I know that I can do that. Because I just did complete the hardest goal I ever had in my life. And I did it with flying colors. Deans list awards, and professionalism recognitions. I received a letter of recommendation from my extern site. A really really nice one as a matter of fact. And when my extern supervisor filled out my final paper work she gave me all sixes. The highest score is fives. I think that means I rocked it!!! Woot Woot yay me!!
Its been really really nice having the girls home again. They are doing well in school so far. They just got to go to their homecoming dance. I would have been afraid of them getting their and getting home okay but Bridget was kind enough to take them and pick them up in her ginormous suburban... I want one, ya the gas will be hell but talk about a safe ride. Its been an adjustment for all of us. I am not used to being the not fun parent. That part kinda bites. When I got to have them in the summers I got to be the fun mom who let them stay up really late, eat junk food, drink soda, and run a little wild. Not a lot, just a little. I didn't realize to them they where being crazy. I am still learning how crazy insane strict their dad has been. They have been living in hell.
I know he doesn't see it that way. I know he loves them. I am not saying he was mean to be mean. I just really think he doesn't have a clue what it takes to have a happy medium. Well this is getting long and I am getting tired of typing. More later. I have a lot of thoughts about this stuff

update

I am a graduate!!! I finished school to be a medical assistant and thats what I am now!
School was seriously rough with all the shit that hit the fan while I went, the extern I went to was awesome!
Now I just to deal with some health problems and I will be ready to go to work!
The girls have decided to stay with me this year and its awesome. I love them so much and I couldn't be happier that they are here. There is so much going on all the time I feel like my head is spinning. Busy busy busy. I can't wait to get job hunting. I really hope to have all this health crap dealt with really soon so I can make some dang money!

Back to School

I have been so very busy! I haven't blogged in an ever. I went back to school for medical assisting and now I am almost done.
I am in my last mod, a few weeks more and I will be finished with class time and going on extern for a month. I am excited and scared and not feeling as sure of myself as I would like everyone to think. I need to hit the books and study up on past mods for extern use and also for the CMA exam. Which I am also excited to take. I want to be certified. I may be going back to the exact same extern that failed me thirteen years ago. Its all good though, because this time their is more then one person in charge so it will be totally up to me to finish.
That makes me feel a lot better. I am so nervous!!

Car

My car should almost be running!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!! I can't believe its been seven months since it broke down. It now has new head gaskets and all the rest that had to be replaced, a new water pump and few more new things. So far it has cost three hundred dollars. Now I will have to get the tabs and then I will be road ready WOOT WOOT it has been way to long since I got to drive my car. I miss her!! And I am super excited because she will be up and running in time for me to drive over the hills to get the girls. Another WOOT WOOT WOOT for that. I will be picking them up in July and have all kinds of fun things planned for us to do. Lots of hiking and going to beaches and running down to the ocean to see Uncle Sev and going down to Longview to see Grandma Donna and I am sure that Grandma Joan will want to see them a few times. I am hoping we get to go to the cabin this year. Well I know they will but I am hoping I get to go with them this summer. Been having lots of dreams about my dad. He keeps trying to hand me something and I don't know what it is I can never remember when I wake up.. Anyway.  My car should be on the road by tuesday evening . As in tabs on it and I am driving it home!!!

Having one of THOSE days

I don't know what the heck my problem is today??? I feel like I can't breathe I just wanna cry and the littlest things are making bawl like a baby... I am feeling completely wiped out. No energy what so ever just yuk and ug. I woke up feeling this way I really think its allergies cuz my eyes are just on fire and they where nasty crusty weepy this morning I've been taking my allegra all day but its  just not working. I am feeling more and more run down and touchy as they day progresses, I took a shower earlier when I really just wanted to stay in my pajamas and went to Subway for me and Jim for lunch and got a mocha...I have cleaned and done laundry just trying to stay awake and trying to feel better. Nothing is working. Guess I just have to suck it up and except the fact that its just one of THOSE days.

none

Its been almost four months now since my dad passed away. I never stop thinking about him. I dream about him almost every night. We have the greatest conversations.... I know that he is visiting me. I know now that he is proud of me, I also know that some people would say its my own subconcious giving me what I want. My dads approval and love. I think I have always had his love though, and even a grudging repsect from him. Now that he is passed and he knows so much more then he ever could here on earth I know he is proud of me and what I do. Its important. Maybe not here and now, but it is and many will know it. Someday.
In side note to myself I watch 2012 the other night. DAMN! Talk about scary and beautiful. The complete destruction of everything as we know it. It was pretty cool to have it portrayed in a movie. Oh the graphics where absolutely incredible and amazing and beautifully done. I was very impressed with the movie and most of the actors. The storyline however scared the shit out of me. I don't put much faith in the whole 2012 thing, Since the beggining of time the END has been predicted and predicted wrongly. The fact of the matter is is that nothing lasts forever that inludes the planet we live on. And we have no idea when it will expire or how we have no way of stopping it so worrying about it or trying to plan for it seem ridculous to me.
 Anyhow on to other stuff, today Tannis and I gave all the doggies baths and put flea stuff on them, we have been doing this once a month to keep the fleas at bay and it is working out pretty well. There are five dogs in this house though  and one cat so we need to be doing something. When Jim and I move I am sure we will continue this practice though as we don't want our dogs to be miserable and we do plan on getting at least two more dogs and a cat and a snake and and and sheesh what am I gonna do with him!!!

been quite awhile

Its been too long since I had the oomph to write....Just haven't felt like journaling about the happenings. Dad passed in November a few days before his birthday, My oldest daughter got married almost exactly a month before that, christmas was good it was the first one Jim and I shared. Luna had puppies on Halloween and we got the one that was born on our bed, his name is The Killer Thor Cheech Carson.. Sometimes I say he is feeling the beaner within...and I don't mean that in any racist way what so ever, its just cute when he is jumping like a mexican jumping bean trying to get up on the couch...anyway. Moved out of Tracy's in January and moved in with Dave and Tannis..Its going pretty good but its an adjustment and I sometimes feel like no one sees what I do or appreciates it.. None of them are home all day because they all work and Meme goes to school...SO even though I do the dishes and clean the counters and stove and wiped down the fridge and sweep and soemetimes mop and I do laundry and vaccum and take care of the dogs and the kid and cook dinner and water the plants and take care of Jim. I still get told nothing gets done.Hmmm okay well how bout if I don't do it then. I pay rent I buy food and I pay for laundry soap and ass wipe and dish soap and all that. I am a roommate not a kid. And apparently it is a problem for some people how much time I spend on the internet, who's business is it? My daddy died three months ago and ya know I just don't see him coming back.
Anyway. I bought a car in August and it died in December, just got it over to Jims brother in laws today, and now can get the parts and get it fixed.. I also got a laptop and an ipod touch and spent some money on getting me a bunch of clothes that I desperately needed.. next time around I am getting more clothes and some inkage for me and Jim. And hopefully Amanda.If she straightens out anyway. I can't even go into that right now, even though I am kinda wondering if it would be good to have a record of it all. Then there is the biggest thing this year and thats Sev going in for a four way bi pass at the age of 37, what a scary scary thing, he went in the night before my birthday, ( really glad I celebrated the night before that with family and friends I wouldn't have felt like doing anything after he went in and my friends threw me a fantabulous party I will never forget) He went into Grays Harbor Hospital on Sunday and was transported the first ( monday) to St. Peters in Olympia ( they are awesome) They more testing on Tuesday and found three major blockages one was a main artery and it was 100 percent blocked..the other two were 70 and 90 percent blocked and then there was a smaller one that was almost completely blocked. So they went in Thursday the fourth and did open heart.. Very scary for him and all of us who love him, I stayed here with Meme. I just couldn't sit there and not do anything, I couldn't see him like that. So I watched meme so that Dave and Tannis could be with Sev. And thrusday while he was in surgery and meme was in school my friend Bridget got me out of the house and went shopping. That was wonderful! Sev made it out of surgery with flying colors and looks absolutely fantastic. I have quite smoking again because of it. I do not want my brother sitting next to my hospital bed!! I will do everything I can to prevent it, it runs in the family so I better do a lot. If it happens anyway I will know its because its genetical and not because I was dumb. All though Ihave been dumb for a long long time about my health. I can't and won't do that anymore. I have to try.

Daddy

So many wonderful memories,


So many words to say,

There isn't enough paper,

Theres not a long enough day.



You where an awesome dad,

Quite a funny guy,

With many friends who loved you,

And deep family ties.



A tug boat captain extrodinaire,

Seaweasel you went by,

A volunteer fireman also,

A hero, always in my eyes.



You where my superman,

My big ol man oh daddy,

The jokester and the ham,

The cooker of many crabbies.



You will amuse the angels now,

Tarnish all their halo's

Dirty up their snow white wings,

With all your colorful tale'os.



I know you are at peace now,

PLaying with your Tupie man,

A blind man with a glass eye in

his ass could see how that is grand.



So many people here will miss you,

Especially your children and your wife,

You had so many adventures

Trully enjoyed and lived your life.



We thankyou so much for

all that you taught us and all that you gave,

All our lives are richer because

with you we spent our days.



I love you so much daddy,

I miss you so bad,

I'm so lucky to have been your kid,

I don't think I've ever been so sad.





Say hello to all the folks,

over there on the other side,

Its been one helluva adventure,

Quite and Awwwwesome ride!





DJBY

hours

There are only a matter of minutes or hours left to my daddy's life. I am sometimes numb and sometimes I can't stop crying. I got to hear him tell me he loved me a few weeks ago. And now he is at the end of his life.
He had a wonderful long life full of adventures and friends. He married my mom and they had many happy years together and many adventures. He was very active playing golf, fishing, clam digging, going on trips to neat places, they where snow birds every year for the last 15 or so. He was a tug boat captain with a tug boat captains mouth! No one could tell a story like my dad. His eyes would light up and you could tell he was putting himself back into the moment he was speaking of, listeners could almost see what he was describing. And no man was a better clam fritter maker EVER! He so enjoyed time with his friends and family. Gatherings at the cabin and during christmas and just for fun at Kuhnles Tavern or Vi and Glenns. He will be missed by all he leaves behind, but has a wondeful big group already waiting for him on the other side.
There is gonna be one heaven of a party, the biggest bestest party Heaven has ever seen!!
I love you daddy.....

Buying a house

Okay so we are going to start looking into buying a house and looking around....How nervous am I!!!
Buying a house with someone is a HUGE commitment, not only to each other but also the house. We know what we want so that will make things easier and have agreed that if our relationship doesn't work out we will always be friends and can live together happily enough. I am not sure how that would work if we split up and brought in new relationships but as adults I am sure we could figure it out. We aren't unreasonable. Totally.
I just hope that our relationship works out the way we both want it to and that things go at least semi smoothly. I am very nervous about buying a house however for reasons other then the relationship. As anyone who has ever read my blog knows, I am a gypsy heart and soul, I like to travel and move around and enjoy new experiences. Can't do a lot of that if I make the commitment with Jim to purchase a home. I will need to be around to do the housely things and help pay bills and I am sure he would not appreciate it if I just took off and did my own gypsy thing for any amount of time over a week....Soooo scared and yet excited at the same time.

LOG

Went and saw my dad yesterday at the nursing home. He looked so much better then the last time I saw him. I think they had him over medicated at the last place. Yesterday he was quite alert and talking and being his funny self. He doesn't make sense anymore. But thats okay, he seemed to recognize me for a second, introduced to me to the room...there was no one else there. He kept calling Jim " Barclay". We don't know which Barclay he meant but thats all right. Saw my mom and Vicki there too, that was awesome. Got some hugs thats was even awesomer...is that a world? Anyway going again today to feed him lunch. It was a good thing to go. I don't want to remember him this way, but I have to remember that these won't be my only memories of him...

In other news, having some communication issues with Jim,. I just don't know how to get through to that guy. Its been a little tense the last few days. But I still love him very much and hope to keep him around a good long time.

Thoughts

Well its been interesting getting to know Jim all over again. Its been fun and scary. I am so much in love with him and yet I know I need to guard my heart if I am a smart girl. He is just coming out of a very bad marriage and is gun shy. We really didn't intend for this to happen so fast like this. Just can't seem to control how close we feel. He really didn't want to jump out of the pot and into the fire. I told him to think of me as a cool glass a water instead. I am having a hard time with all the woman he talks to, if they where just friends I wouldn't have a problem with it,. but these are women who are sending him gifts and mooshy cards and want down his pants. These are women who are out to get him and he loves the attention so keeps it going.. Whatever, I don't fucking like it and no one said I had too. I gotta say as much as I love him and want him in my life I don't want to feel used either, or like chopped liver. I don't know if I can do this. Its just not working.

Goodbye Sweet Prince

Dedicated in the Memory of a Star...
He wasn't just a movie star, or a great dancer, he was a star in his personal life too.
He wasn't just a man who could move and act, but a man with class and tact.
He wasn't just a figure on the silver screen, but a man who treated his wife as a queen.
Patrick Swayze will be missed by family, friends and fans alike.
A man with passion and love for all in life.