Back to School

I have been so very busy! I haven't blogged in an ever. I went back to school for medical assisting and now I am almost done.
I am in my last mod, a few weeks more and I will be finished with class time and going on extern for a month. I am excited and scared and not feeling as sure of myself as I would like everyone to think. I need to hit the books and study up on past mods for extern use and also for the CMA exam. Which I am also excited to take. I want to be certified. I may be going back to the exact same extern that failed me thirteen years ago. Its all good though, because this time their is more then one person in charge so it will be totally up to me to finish.
That makes me feel a lot better. I am so nervous!!

Car

My car should almost be running!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!! I can't believe its been seven months since it broke down. It now has new head gaskets and all the rest that had to be replaced, a new water pump and few more new things. So far it has cost three hundred dollars. Now I will have to get the tabs and then I will be road ready WOOT WOOT it has been way to long since I got to drive my car. I miss her!! And I am super excited because she will be up and running in time for me to drive over the hills to get the girls. Another WOOT WOOT WOOT for that. I will be picking them up in July and have all kinds of fun things planned for us to do. Lots of hiking and going to beaches and running down to the ocean to see Uncle Sev and going down to Longview to see Grandma Donna and I am sure that Grandma Joan will want to see them a few times. I am hoping we get to go to the cabin this year. Well I know they will but I am hoping I get to go with them this summer. Been having lots of dreams about my dad. He keeps trying to hand me something and I don't know what it is I can never remember when I wake up.. Anyway.  My car should be on the road by tuesday evening . As in tabs on it and I am driving it home!!!

Having one of THOSE days

I don't know what the heck my problem is today??? I feel like I can't breathe I just wanna cry and the littlest things are making bawl like a baby... I am feeling completely wiped out. No energy what so ever just yuk and ug. I woke up feeling this way I really think its allergies cuz my eyes are just on fire and they where nasty crusty weepy this morning I've been taking my allegra all day but its  just not working. I am feeling more and more run down and touchy as they day progresses, I took a shower earlier when I really just wanted to stay in my pajamas and went to Subway for me and Jim for lunch and got a mocha...I have cleaned and done laundry just trying to stay awake and trying to feel better. Nothing is working. Guess I just have to suck it up and except the fact that its just one of THOSE days.

none

Its been almost four months now since my dad passed away. I never stop thinking about him. I dream about him almost every night. We have the greatest conversations.... I know that he is visiting me. I know now that he is proud of me, I also know that some people would say its my own subconcious giving me what I want. My dads approval and love. I think I have always had his love though, and even a grudging repsect from him. Now that he is passed and he knows so much more then he ever could here on earth I know he is proud of me and what I do. Its important. Maybe not here and now, but it is and many will know it. Someday.
In side note to myself I watch 2012 the other night. DAMN! Talk about scary and beautiful. The complete destruction of everything as we know it. It was pretty cool to have it portrayed in a movie. Oh the graphics where absolutely incredible and amazing and beautifully done. I was very impressed with the movie and most of the actors. The storyline however scared the shit out of me. I don't put much faith in the whole 2012 thing, Since the beggining of time the END has been predicted and predicted wrongly. The fact of the matter is is that nothing lasts forever that inludes the planet we live on. And we have no idea when it will expire or how we have no way of stopping it so worrying about it or trying to plan for it seem ridculous to me.
 Anyhow on to other stuff, today Tannis and I gave all the doggies baths and put flea stuff on them, we have been doing this once a month to keep the fleas at bay and it is working out pretty well. There are five dogs in this house though  and one cat so we need to be doing something. When Jim and I move I am sure we will continue this practice though as we don't want our dogs to be miserable and we do plan on getting at least two more dogs and a cat and a snake and and and sheesh what am I gonna do with him!!!

been quite awhile

Its been too long since I had the oomph to write....Just haven't felt like journaling about the happenings. Dad passed in November a few days before his birthday, My oldest daughter got married almost exactly a month before that, christmas was good it was the first one Jim and I shared. Luna had puppies on Halloween and we got the one that was born on our bed, his name is The Killer Thor Cheech Carson.. Sometimes I say he is feeling the beaner within...and I don't mean that in any racist way what so ever, its just cute when he is jumping like a mexican jumping bean trying to get up on the couch...anyway. Moved out of Tracy's in January and moved in with Dave and Tannis..Its going pretty good but its an adjustment and I sometimes feel like no one sees what I do or appreciates it.. None of them are home all day because they all work and Meme goes to school...SO even though I do the dishes and clean the counters and stove and wiped down the fridge and sweep and soemetimes mop and I do laundry and vaccum and take care of the dogs and the kid and cook dinner and water the plants and take care of Jim. I still get told nothing gets done.Hmmm okay well how bout if I don't do it then. I pay rent I buy food and I pay for laundry soap and ass wipe and dish soap and all that. I am a roommate not a kid. And apparently it is a problem for some people how much time I spend on the internet, who's business is it? My daddy died three months ago and ya know I just don't see him coming back.
Anyway. I bought a car in August and it died in December, just got it over to Jims brother in laws today, and now can get the parts and get it fixed.. I also got a laptop and an ipod touch and spent some money on getting me a bunch of clothes that I desperately needed.. next time around I am getting more clothes and some inkage for me and Jim. And hopefully Amanda.If she straightens out anyway. I can't even go into that right now, even though I am kinda wondering if it would be good to have a record of it all. Then there is the biggest thing this year and thats Sev going in for a four way bi pass at the age of 37, what a scary scary thing, he went in the night before my birthday, ( really glad I celebrated the night before that with family and friends I wouldn't have felt like doing anything after he went in and my friends threw me a fantabulous party I will never forget) He went into Grays Harbor Hospital on Sunday and was transported the first ( monday) to St. Peters in Olympia ( they are awesome) They more testing on Tuesday and found three major blockages one was a main artery and it was 100 percent blocked..the other two were 70 and 90 percent blocked and then there was a smaller one that was almost completely blocked. So they went in Thursday the fourth and did open heart.. Very scary for him and all of us who love him, I stayed here with Meme. I just couldn't sit there and not do anything, I couldn't see him like that. So I watched meme so that Dave and Tannis could be with Sev. And thrusday while he was in surgery and meme was in school my friend Bridget got me out of the house and went shopping. That was wonderful! Sev made it out of surgery with flying colors and looks absolutely fantastic. I have quite smoking again because of it. I do not want my brother sitting next to my hospital bed!! I will do everything I can to prevent it, it runs in the family so I better do a lot. If it happens anyway I will know its because its genetical and not because I was dumb. All though Ihave been dumb for a long long time about my health. I can't and won't do that anymore. I have to try.

Daddy

So many wonderful memories,


So many words to say,

There isn't enough paper,

Theres not a long enough day.



You where an awesome dad,

Quite a funny guy,

With many friends who loved you,

And deep family ties.



A tug boat captain extrodinaire,

Seaweasel you went by,

A volunteer fireman also,

A hero, always in my eyes.



You where my superman,

My big ol man oh daddy,

The jokester and the ham,

The cooker of many crabbies.



You will amuse the angels now,

Tarnish all their halo's

Dirty up their snow white wings,

With all your colorful tale'os.



I know you are at peace now,

PLaying with your Tupie man,

A blind man with a glass eye in

his ass could see how that is grand.



So many people here will miss you,

Especially your children and your wife,

You had so many adventures

Trully enjoyed and lived your life.



We thankyou so much for

all that you taught us and all that you gave,

All our lives are richer because

with you we spent our days.



I love you so much daddy,

I miss you so bad,

I'm so lucky to have been your kid,

I don't think I've ever been so sad.





Say hello to all the folks,

over there on the other side,

Its been one helluva adventure,

Quite and Awwwwesome ride!





DJBY

hours

There are only a matter of minutes or hours left to my daddy's life. I am sometimes numb and sometimes I can't stop crying. I got to hear him tell me he loved me a few weeks ago. And now he is at the end of his life.
He had a wonderful long life full of adventures and friends. He married my mom and they had many happy years together and many adventures. He was very active playing golf, fishing, clam digging, going on trips to neat places, they where snow birds every year for the last 15 or so. He was a tug boat captain with a tug boat captains mouth! No one could tell a story like my dad. His eyes would light up and you could tell he was putting himself back into the moment he was speaking of, listeners could almost see what he was describing. And no man was a better clam fritter maker EVER! He so enjoyed time with his friends and family. Gatherings at the cabin and during christmas and just for fun at Kuhnles Tavern or Vi and Glenns. He will be missed by all he leaves behind, but has a wondeful big group already waiting for him on the other side.
There is gonna be one heaven of a party, the biggest bestest party Heaven has ever seen!!
I love you daddy.....

Buying a house

Okay so we are going to start looking into buying a house and looking around....How nervous am I!!!
Buying a house with someone is a HUGE commitment, not only to each other but also the house. We know what we want so that will make things easier and have agreed that if our relationship doesn't work out we will always be friends and can live together happily enough. I am not sure how that would work if we split up and brought in new relationships but as adults I am sure we could figure it out. We aren't unreasonable. Totally.
I just hope that our relationship works out the way we both want it to and that things go at least semi smoothly. I am very nervous about buying a house however for reasons other then the relationship. As anyone who has ever read my blog knows, I am a gypsy heart and soul, I like to travel and move around and enjoy new experiences. Can't do a lot of that if I make the commitment with Jim to purchase a home. I will need to be around to do the housely things and help pay bills and I am sure he would not appreciate it if I just took off and did my own gypsy thing for any amount of time over a week....Soooo scared and yet excited at the same time.

LOG

Went and saw my dad yesterday at the nursing home. He looked so much better then the last time I saw him. I think they had him over medicated at the last place. Yesterday he was quite alert and talking and being his funny self. He doesn't make sense anymore. But thats okay, he seemed to recognize me for a second, introduced to me to the room...there was no one else there. He kept calling Jim " Barclay". We don't know which Barclay he meant but thats all right. Saw my mom and Vicki there too, that was awesome. Got some hugs thats was even awesomer...is that a world? Anyway going again today to feed him lunch. It was a good thing to go. I don't want to remember him this way, but I have to remember that these won't be my only memories of him...

In other news, having some communication issues with Jim,. I just don't know how to get through to that guy. Its been a little tense the last few days. But I still love him very much and hope to keep him around a good long time.

Thoughts

Well its been interesting getting to know Jim all over again. Its been fun and scary. I am so much in love with him and yet I know I need to guard my heart if I am a smart girl. He is just coming out of a very bad marriage and is gun shy. We really didn't intend for this to happen so fast like this. Just can't seem to control how close we feel. He really didn't want to jump out of the pot and into the fire. I told him to think of me as a cool glass a water instead. I am having a hard time with all the woman he talks to, if they where just friends I wouldn't have a problem with it,. but these are women who are sending him gifts and mooshy cards and want down his pants. These are women who are out to get him and he loves the attention so keeps it going.. Whatever, I don't fucking like it and no one said I had too. I gotta say as much as I love him and want him in my life I don't want to feel used either, or like chopped liver. I don't know if I can do this. Its just not working.

Goodbye Sweet Prince

Dedicated in the Memory of a Star...
He wasn't just a movie star, or a great dancer, he was a star in his personal life too.
He wasn't just a man who could move and act, but a man with class and tact.
He wasn't just a figure on the silver screen, but a man who treated his wife as a queen.
Patrick Swayze will be missed by family, friends and fans alike.
A man with passion and love for all in life.

Poem

Riding the drama train,
Its a fancy trip to nowhere,
Don't get nothin done,
Unwound, Unbound,
Tie me up, tie me down,
Take a walk on the sin trail,
Makes ya strong,
Can't fail,
Gettin sick on this coaster ride,
They call it life,
I call it hell.

Don't know what to think

I don't know what to think about Joan, ( my mom) sometimes... I think she is crazier now then when I was a kid. And I know part of it must be because of whats going on with my dad. I called her the other day to find out what nursing home he is in,. And she told me, then I asked her if there was any way I could get copies of pictures of the all the MTA people. Because all us kids want to have a reunion. She said she would think about it and it was a fairly pleasant conversation. About a half hour or so later she called me...." Hey Denise, could you just not call me unless its something really super important...I just can't deal with all your drama right now, this is hard enough without having to deal with you and your drama. Can't you just take care of yoru daughter or something. ( here she starts bawling) I just know you have your dad dead already, and I'm sure you have already written the poem for him, I just can't hand...le. It. This is just too much, this is just so hard and I don't know why you are calling me with drama...( she is getting hysterical now) I just can't do it all anymore, just don't call me about anything unless its really super important. Just leave me alone, I don't have anything for you and I'm not helping you have a memorial for your dad.. This is where I stopped her, I said, " I'm really very sorry you took my request that way, I apologize, this isn't easy for me I know how difficult it must be for you.. I am very sorry that you took it that way, That was very much not what I was requesting pictures for... Then she hung up on me.....WTF???
I don't get it. I really really don't get it!! Of course I wish my father wasn't living like this, of course I wish he had passed away with the stroke. I know he wouldn't want to live the way he is living!! But of course I don't have him dead already. and of course I haven't written a poem for him yet!!! I just wanted some copies of pictures to share with all the other kids! Who are now adults just like me and we want to walk down memory lane together and have a great time. It has nothing to do with my dad, and everything to do with ALL the MTA people, the cabin, us kids and all the wonderful summers we spent together! And I know this is hard for her, I know she is going thru hell.. He's my DAD. Does she think its easy for me to know the condition he is in, does she think it is easy for me to handle, does she think I don't think about him every waking moment and even in my sleep??? I really don't understand.

random wanderings through my nearly vacant mind

Things don't make sense.


Life is so terribly " Oh look a chicken!" Random

I wonder if the toilet will flush yet??

HUH

I also wonder what people would think if they knew what I was really thinking?

I imagine the looks on certain faces if they where to discover I do most of my writing while naked

what can I say, It just helps things flow to not feel all bound down by earthly things.

So ya, I'm naked..but try not to picture that. It could cause irrepairable harm to some of you, and random masterbation for others... Heh, now that is something I don't want to think about!!

ya, actually I wanna know.

I'm a freak just like my daddy always said.

In more ways then 99.9 percent of all the people I know, will EVER know.

Exept now ya all prolly have ideas. I wonder who and how many could guess right?

I want ice cream. JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM we need to go back to that Icecream shop!

You know the great little place in Granite....they have LICORICE!!

Can't beat that!!

Is it wierd that I wonder who drives my dads tugs now?, and I wonder who will crack jokes the way he did?, and then I realize neither answer matters. Because no one can do either the way he did.

My dad can never be replaced. Jen can never be replaced. None of us can EVER be replaced.

We are all the same yes, because we are people and we have many similarities in personality and such. But no one, is exactly like you, or me, or joe blow down the block. THAT is amazing, Billions of people on the planet and no two are exactly alike, Even identical twins are different SOMEHOW.

Thats just breath taking to think about. I want to meet everyone! Even the mean people. I want to know what makes each person tick. I want to laugh with everyone, love with everyone, and just be, with everyone. Yes I realize I am a freak I have stated such above. Get over it. Or go away.

I am so very much in love...with my kids, my friends, life, Jim...god thats scary. OH look a chicken!

I need to learn how to post pics in the bodies of these things. I so want to put a pic of the rooster right before the beginning of this sentence. Lmao he is out there crowing now, I think he has esp, because anytime we go outside he comes running. Even if he is on the opposite side of the house. He is one gifted rooster I guess. Not much of a name though. Chicken..huh, brilliant and creative Shelby!

I am so ready to go do something this evening, I need to get out of this house. After the excitement of last night and the complete let down of this afternoon....Devestation hits just as fast and hard as elation. I feel flattened. Jen has got to feel positivley transparent with grief.

Okay I can't think about that right now. Damn that chicken! I need to make some Tye Dye t shirts and stuff, does any body know how to do that?.....I tye dyed my bras once but it didn't set in, washed out after like three washes. Really sucked. I love tye dye its my favorite color. It represents so much and nothing at all. Its fabulous. Why the hell am I craving seafood, anybody got any clams, or crab er summin....damn mmm shrimp..losbster,,hhhhhuuuhhhhhh drool.

I need to rearrange and organize my room, its a little cramped in here. Its not the smallest room in the house, THANK GOD!! Thank you TJ.. but its crowded a bit now. I need tye dye wall coverings that will make it better!!!!

Need shelves on every wall. for books and movies and nick nacky things,. my fingers hurt from typing to much and my arms hurt from the way I am holding them, And I think Jim is almost here so that means I get to go to wal mart now. YAY!!

Heaven sent gift...almost

So I get this text about 5:30 pm last night. Its from Jen..Its says.." where the hell are you? I'm on my way to get my new body parts!!" I immediately text back " where? when? here? now!!!?"
Response..." swedish hosp. seattle. 11 East, I will be in by 10 pm sug sched for 4 30 am.."
I used to Jims phone. I called her. How awesome wondeful and exciting and amazing and wow. We were just stunned. It really is like how in the movies. You know the scene. The phone rings and they say get on a plane or get to the hospital its time. And the person runs around crying calling everyone they know while their scrambling to get ready to leave. It just happend so fast she said. She just got this call out of nowhere to come to Seattle to get on a plane and fly her happy ass to Seattle. WOW. Shock!!!
I was able to call her at the hospital last night. They where doing all the preliminary stuff.. checking her sugars hooking her up to iv lines all that stuff. We had to get off the phone because a team of people came in the room. I wasn't able to call the hospital again until this afternoon. I was told they sent my Nej home. There was something wrong with the pancreas and she really needs both a pancreas and a kidney so even though the kidney was fine she couldn't get both and so they sent her home. Devastation hits just as fast as Elation. I feel flattend. And I can only imagine how Jen feels. She is flying home right now, away from the promise of a new lease on life. It had to be like getting the death sentence all over again. I can't stop crying. Neither can my sister. We love Jen. The three of us have triquetras on our left shoulders. Matching identical tattoos that we got on the same day. Sybolizing the power of three. She is our sister. Last night it was such a high point. Past the sky beyond heaven. Now today. This news is just as incredible. Its just on the bad end. I can't believe how cruel life can be sometimes. I just want my friend to live. I am so greatful to the family of the young man who died... they made the decision to donate any viable organs. His passing will mean life to many others. Just not Jen. Not this time. My thoughts are with all involved..... I can't stop crying

New ink for me and Jim

He is so good to me!! We went out yesterday on a mission to get him a new tattoo and I ended up getting one too. Love him!!!! How can I not love a man who gets me ink! And ahhhhh the glorious pain of getting a tattoo. There is nothing like it in the world. It is the perfect pain. He wants me to get my hood pierced, he is willing to pay for it even. I have never been pierced there but I have been pierced other places and I am not sure that would be a good pain or a bad pain, but I am sure the fuck willing to try it out!!!! As long as he is holding my hand of course. Have to show off our new body art so here are some pics.............

This looks weird but I couldn't change it so here you have it., the faith is mine, its on the inside of my right wrist, and his of course is the lion, his birthday is on the 19th and he is a leo, this was his b day present to himself. I am so not telling you what he is getting from me. The other pic is the two of us just chillin. Its nice to have a best friend who is around all the time!!

bleh

Not feeling well at all. Ended up in the hospital for the better part of yesterday. Turns out I have a rather severe kidney bladder and urinry tract infection. There was a lot of blood in my urine and blood clots. I could possibly have kidney stones. And my mom has informed me that I could have the same thing she and my brother have...Mccartles Disease which is a glucogen storage disorder and I guess it does this. I have had kidney and bladder problems my entire life. Kidneys failed at three and have always been suseptible to urinary tract infections. However I have never had pain like this! I have never had blood in my or clots in my urine. And it never hurt so bad to pee before. I am concerned about kidney stones, but I am more concerned about the whole McCartles thing. Definately something I am going to have to look into more. Have spent the better part of the day in bed and now I am more or less wide awake, I have to wait another half hour to take my meds so figured I might as well stay up anyway. Jim is snoring away...he had a very long day at work and gets up before god most mornings, I know because I wake them both up! haha....he pretty much came home and crawled in bed with me, poor guy, he said he felt like he'd been drinkin all day he was so tired and had an exhaustion headache from hell. So I got up and made some kick ass oven sammies and cut up some watermelon and brought it to him in bed. He has been so sweet the last couple days. He went straight from work to the hospital yesterday because he was so concerned about me and mad at me for not taking care of myself. I got a helluva lecture that for sure. Then he made sure I had plenty of cranberry juice and lemon lime soda to drink, bought me lunch at subway ( where I ran into young lady I used to babysit and discovered that she is expecting!!!) Then when we got home he made sure I was comfy and had plenty of ice and told Tracy I needed to take care of me and he hoped she would back him up on that because I am all about taking care of all of them all the time. He thinks I spoil him! Thats just me though. I am a care taker, I am mother. I am a caregiver..its just my nature.
He can't get over that I make him lunch every morning and get up with him to get him off to work. I didn't this morning or yesterday morning. He told me he knew something was wrong yesterday when I didn't get up with him. And obviously he knew this morning why I didn't, but he was a little surprised to know that last night when I couldn't sleep I made egg salad sammies for him to take to work. I don't know what is going to come of this with Jim. But I tell ya something, I am really enjoying his company and companionship and knowing that someone gives a flying rats fuck about me.....

daddy

Today was a good day and a bad day. I went to see my dad. I almost didn't recoginize him. He was very sleep as it was later in the afternoon, I hear he is more with it in the early mornings which makes absolute sense. But wow was I not ready for that sight. He doesn't look like my daddy anymore. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. He has lost so much weight and even more of the spark that is him. Jim told me we could go see him again on sunday earlier in the day and I know I need to, and I want to but I don't want to. Seeing him was so damn hard. I just feel so bad for him. I know my mom must go through hell everytime she sees him. I was expecting him to look bad, but not this bad! I have worked in the elderly care business for 12 years and I knew it would be hard to see him the way he is. I debated it and debated it. I want to remember my dad as the strong young man he once was, as the older man who was still traveling and golfing and cracking jokes and making up sayings that you really had to think about before you got it. He was smart as a whip and just a sharp tongued. I miss that. Seeing him was good and bad and really really hard. I have been crying off and on since I saw him.
And all the stuff going on with Jim isn't helping. Thats a long story which I am so not ready to tell at 12 53 in the morning. I need to try to go to sleep.

can't sleep

There is a beautiful naked man in my bed. I can't sleep. And no its not because he is snoring. Which he is but he is a soft snorer. I have gotten very comfortable with him in my bed. Even though he isn't mine and I am not his. I love having him here. I love having his daily companionship. I love being a witness to his life, I love that he is is witnessing mine, that we are able to once again participate in eachothers lives. Its amazing to me that he is in my life and even more amazing that I am getting to spend so much time with him after so very many years apart and not even knowing if he was dead or alive. Its been wonderful getting to know eachother again. There has always been a weird but super cool connection between the two of us. He is going through a very difficult time in his life and I am glad that I can be here for him. He is a trully amazing person and I have missed his presence in my life. The fact that we can reconnect like this and become such an important part of eachothers lives is just awesom. It was funny today, we realized that all those many many many years ago we never broke up. What a hoot we have been cheating on eachother for 20 + years!!! He's been married three times, I have been married twice, we each have children with others. How funny. So all this time later to be in the same house sharing a bed is just incredible. He was my first. And a large part of me is hoping that somehow he will be my last. And many many many years from now. Taking things slow in the relationship department is hard for me. I want more then what he can give right now. We are both aware that he wants more then he give right now. And we have discussed the entire situation. We both understand whats going on. Others in our lives don't quite get it. They don't have to. Jim is my best friend. And lover. And right now, in the moment. Loving eachother is all we can do.

PISSED

The one thing I can't handle is being judged about my parenting. I just can't take it. Anyone wants to know how to piss me off quick fast and in a hurry....judge me on my parenting. You will have a fight on your hands. I am so very very angry right now. Its better if I don't speak out loud. So I am writing it out. This may be an appearing disapearing post. I am so very very very upset. I can't believe what was just said to me. I know most people would dismiss it off hand. But being a mom is very personal to me. It shatters my soul when someone thinks I am bad at it. I know, I know, people can only effect me in the way I allow. I just can't seem to help it on this score. Especially coming from someone who has no room what so ever to say anything to me. I don't beat my kids. I don't make them bleed and I don't have to get them ice packs when I'm done punishing them. Don't tell me I am ignoring my kids! I don't hide from them as much as I can. My kids may not live with me every day. I may only get them for a month. But I am not ignoring them. I am allowed to have privacy while they are here with me. I am allowed to still be an adult and to still need a moment to myself. Even if that moment is an hour. I asked my kids if they felt ignored and they said no. Thats good enough for me. BUT. The fact that someone is judging me just makes me so mad. I work very very hard at not judging people. Seeing people really for who they are sure. Wether that is good or bad. And I accept them good bad and indifferent. Choices they make aren't always good and aren't neccasarily choices I would make. But thats one of the greatest gifts of being human. We don't all think or act or believe the same exact things. I don't feel its right to smack my kids so I don't. I don't feel its right to scream terrible things at them so I don't. I feel its best f0r them to live with their dad now, so they do. He doesn't beat them either. My kids and I have been through a lot together and we know the score. Don't judge me. Ask me, if you have questions. But do not judge me.