Today

Well today has been pretty uninteresting,I had to call D again and borrow money because I had no TP and no bread and no cigs and no gas for my car and no cat food.So he loaned me thrity bucks and I went and got all of the above,I love him so much,he shouldn't have to be loaning me cash like this all the frickin time, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't around.Nej has loaned me a few bucks here and there and I have made trades with both D and Nej for stuff the kids or I needed or the pets. I got a letter in the mail about a job I had applied for in December and we have been playing phone tag for about a week now.I am going to go into the office on monday after I meet with the intervention specialist at Pans school.That way I can take care of anything she might need me to take care of, I will take all of my certs and liscenses etc so she can see them.Hopefully I will have a job by the end of the week,even though my doctor and physical therapist have told me that I am not ready to work yet, I am afraid that my back will just have to suffer as I can no longer be a beggar.I have applied for help from the state and L&I has been taking there own sweet time with everything on there end. I absolutely have to get a job, I can't afford to have a zero income status.I have bills to pay and the threats of shutting me off are starting to roll in. This is insanity! I am going insane!
I hate the way that everything always seems to fall apart at the same time.What a test! I know everything will be okay and that I will make it through this, I know that! And yet I cannot help but wonder if maybe I won't have a complete breakdown before it gets better. I am trying to stay positive and keep my chin up but it is hard when I feel like I am drowning in ice water and I just want to go to sleep and let myself sink to my doom..Acckkk, I can't stand feeling this way.
I have somewhat of a plan of action and that makes me feel a little better so I can keep going and do what I need to do.If I have a breakdown again, I will lose everything AGAIN! I DO NOT want that to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I get up everyday and I try to do something positive and I try to keep going and be a mom and all that and I tell ya its frickin hard.Somedays I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and shouting FUCK THIS SHIT....
I was taught to never give up and I have pulled my ass out of worse places then I am in now so I KNOW I can do it. Its just tough thats all and I feel like whining about it...waa waaa waaa I know..I feel better getting this off my chest though.
My plan of action:
get out there and get a job regardless of what everyone says
call a great friend and have her come help me do some thorough winter cleaning
organize everything
pay bills
give some stuff away
throw some stuff away
call counselor for Pan and me
keep going to physical therapy
get that book!
go on a serious healthy body,mind,soul, journey
spend less time worrying about what I am going to do and instead DO SOMETHING
Don't let any one tell me that I am useless/and if they do don't pay attention!
Life straightend out YAY!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Now a positive note! My 5 year old neice amazed me today!
She was playing this video game "Starfox" and I couldn't believe she knew what she needed to do and where she needed to go and how to move the guy and everything and she killed every monster guy she came across and got all the extra points and everything,then she flew a space ship thing and had to go through these rings and she got every one of them.I am telling you right now I would have flown that thing straight into the ground! And I would have been killed by all the monsters and I would have totally run right off the cliff cat walk thingy and ended up in the lava!
I cannot play video games to save my life! Especially the car races ones! I end up going backwards or in circles, quite funny actually.I love those arcade games where you sit in the drivers seat and theres an actual steering wheel! I am sooo good at those and they are fun, of course I also love to purposely crash because I get a kick out of flipping the car 2 million times and bursting into flames and not actually getting hurt, I love it when the guy flies out of the car and lands on his head saying ouch! HAH AHH AHHA HAAA!!!!!! Your dead I'm not hee hee hee!
Okay anyway what amazed me the most is that M new exactly how many points she needed to get whatever she wanted,SHE'S 5!!!!!
WEll this became a short novel and I was only going to say a few things.Crikey!!