Thursday, April 19, 2007

Conversations with assholes

In one hour of talking to Dennis Barclay my now ex dad. I was called not only an asshole, but the biggest bag of shit he had ever met in his life, a terrible mother, a goddamn piece of shit, a stupid dick. A fucking bitch....ah the name calling just got better. And I was informed that I am the load my birth mother should have swollowed. That the only good thing I ever did in my life was complete three pregnancies. That I am a terrible mother. That I don't deserve to have children. That he wishes he never would have met me. He has no love for me and neither does Joan, and that they don't like me. There for I am not welcome to come to the cabin this summer. There was so much said that was like a knife to the heart. I don't even know where to begin on describing how that made me feel. And then telling me that I am insane and belong in a mental instituition, and that I am the sickest person he has ever met. Just that I am a bad bad person. That I am the worst. Then telling me that I feel sorry for myself. That I have milked all my friends dry that no one wants me around. God it went on forever. He has no idea who I am and doesn't care to know. That is not my problem it is his. I am glad that I am here. I am not a piece of shit.. And maybe now that things are totally settled between us. He has no love for me, and after that conversation and being told he doesn't care wether I live or die, I have no love for him either. Any and all that I have left was completley squashed. I will miss my sister Vicki who has commented here a time or two. I am so overwhelmingly happy for her that she and Brain are expecting there first child. I hope she will keep in touch at least once and awhile. Even though in a pissed off moment I told her to leave me alone. Vicki if you read this I am sorry about that. I should take your parents crap out on you. I hope you will forgive me but I understand if you don't. I just cannot take that kind of verbal obnoxiousness anymore. I don't deserve it. At all for any reason. I am a human being. I make bad choices just like other human beings. I have to pay for those, I have to learn from those. My children are all taken care of. They know without a doubt that they are loved and wanted and that no matter what I am always going to love and accept them. I am how ever in a quandry. I don't know if I should cut ties between my kids and their grandparents. The girls always come to me and tell me what the Barclays are saying about me. to them , around them, how ever ....the fact remains my children are hearing it. I told Dennis that if my kids say one thing to me about that ever again. If I get wind that my kids are being subjected to that kind of talk it will be the last time that Joan and Denny see them..PERIOD> When I told him that he said " Are you threating me.?" YES, I am threating you, of course I am threating you, my children should not have to hear that.... They are part of me, when things are said about me like that they feel bad about themselves, so shut the fuck up about me when my kids are around... not to hard is it??? well see....
Anyway, More later my fingers hurt, because I have written this ten or more times.....

Monday, April 16, 2007

For all the families and friends of those who were lost today in Viginia

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My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those who have died tragically today in the shootings in Virginia.
For those who passed and are fighting for their lives, I wish for them a hundred angels each of comfort and love and strength .
For the parents the mothers and fathers, and step parents of those who have been killed or injured I send my thoughts with each tear that I have cried. I wish for you peace and comfort today.