Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I know I haven't been around much

I feel bad, like I have been neglecting old friends. I just haven't wanted to write anything. I tend to do that,avoid blogger completely if I don't feel like writing. The reason I do that isn't to avoid friends, its to avoid creativity, inspiration, and the need then to write.
I know that sounds terrible. Especially since I am a terrible writer.
I just love to do it. And I know it would be nice of me to say that I blog because of the friends I have made here, but that would taste a lie. I blog for the original reason I began. To get things off my chest. To reason things out for myself using this forum to do so. I have met many awesome and amazing people thru blogger. I have made many wonderful friends, some quit blogging, one passed away, and others have faded off, or we just lost contact and I deleted there links just to keep things neat and easy for myself. I know that when I get in my really thoughtful moods and I write everything I think, people start to fade away and don't comment. Oh, I'm not complaining, I would wander off too. I just noticed that when I am not being fun and charming and whitty people fade away like the stars do in the morning. I think I am mentioning it because I wish my stars would come back. Right now I need my friends. Here and everywhere else. I don't know what for, other then just to feel loved. I am feeling lost , alone, confused, empty and yet overwhelmed.
I feel so tired. I just need my friends. Plain and simple. I need to know you are there, or here, or anywhere. I need to know that you are by my side no matter where you might live.
Take my hand.......?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Cannon Ball

I think when I was born this is what I was thinking. As in spirit formed I jumped into a crazy life with both feet and no fear.
What did I have to be afraid of after all. Life is just a temporary learning experience right?
Yeah, except it doesn't feel so temporary when you are here struggling with life altering decisions. I seem to have a lot of those to make lately. There is a definite labryth of cross roads ahead of me, no matter what choices I have made in the last year, another cross roads has popped up and a plethera of choices where there to be made.
The choices I have made have caused my children and I a great amount of grief and regret on my part. But then again..... Sierra and Lynn are getting to know their dad again, and getting to know his side of the family, trully for the first time. And I am getting mother daughter time with my oldest who really needs me at this point in her turbulent teenage life. My biggest fear is that I will make a terrible decision that will have resounding repurcusions for many many years.
Taking care of me for the first time in my life is turning out to be more difficult then I ever imagined. I never ever would have thought it so hard to concentrate on my own life and the direction it is going in. I have been getting more sleep lately, following my bodies natural rythyms. I feel smarter and more aware of whats going on because my brain is functioning more properly. Yet I still feel like an asshat, because I don't know what I really want to do. I am not even sure of what I need to do. Amanda doesn't want to move out of state again. Not even five hours away. She is 16 almost and has the right, I feel, to make that choice. But where would she stay? And should I really let her stay here? Shouldn't I make her come with me, because I feel its right to move to Oregon so the other two can be close to their father and his mother and grandmother? Should I let her stay here so she doesn't have to change schools again. Let her graduate from this school, then she can go where ever the wind blows her. I never wanted my kids to feel that they had to stay in one place. I always wanted them to feel free,that the world is their oyster and they can see it all if they want to. I don't want them to be afraid to explore their world. Now I am afraid that I have made Amanda fear change, fear trying new things. Just because of me and my dumb ass never providing stability for long periods of time. Icurumba what have I done? What should I do? I am still feeling so lost, even though I feel its best to move to Oregon. Is it really whats best for all of us????

Sunday, January 21, 2007


Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I wonder wha the hell I am thinking.
Things are so up in the air for me right now. I have been meeting a lot of interesting men online at different places and that is really making me think that I should follow advice I would give to anyone else in my situation. Dump the Billy. Get on with my own life. Meet some one else and make a go of that. But see my heart just won't agree with my brain and when ever I think about doing that. My whole entire body does this strange thing and I feel like screaming NOOOOOOO.
I have never had that feeling before in my entire life. I know I am supposed to be with Billy. I am not sure its supposed to be right now. There are some things that man has to do to make things right. I have written him a very long letter telling him all these things too.
I also told him, I want to run away. From everything. I just want to hop on a bus or something and just disapear. Not tell anyone where I am or where I am going. NO ONE. I guess I feel like pulling a Billy. Only he keeps in contact with some folks. Me for insance. At this point I am not sure if I would contact any one at all. I want to hide. I want to take my wounds to some far off place and let them heal. I want to get away from everything that has ever caused me pain.
I cannot however get away from myself. This isn't a movie and I can't cut out my heart and bury it on some far off Island. All this runs through my mind and I think I am going crazy.
It feels that way sometimes. Like there is this tiny little me inside my brain and it is screaming and just coming undone. There is a hurrican in my brain and it is fucking with my thought processes immensely. I just want to sleep. For the rest of my life. In dreamland my life is sooo much different then the one I am trying to live.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Got a call from California today

Billy is in Jail yet again. I don't know what he was arrested for to begin with but they got him for not being registered. Which doesn't really make any sense since he hasn't even been in Cali for 24 hours. Well he has now, but at the time he hadn't been.
Anyway, the guy that called me told me he didn't know if Billy would be extredited back here or not. I talked to another friend of ours today and he says that WA. often extradites from Cali. So Billy may just well be coming back here even though he didn't want to. He wanted to avoid jail altogether. But he doesn't seem to understand that he won't be able to do that if he doesn't take care of his past. We just talked about it when I talked to him the other day too. And he was on his way to Arizona to take care of things there. So that he could come back up here and not have as big of issues, so that he wouldn't be in jail as long. Looks like god and goddess have other plans for Billy though. I really hope he catches a clue from this. But he never has before. So my hopes aren't high. I really do love him, and I miss him tremendously. Jen wants to move to Alabama or Louisianna,she wants me to go with her. I really don't want to do that.
I want to move to Oregon so that my two youngest daughters can have both their parents near them all the time. And can spend time with that side of the family too. And where they are is only four hours from here, so it would be close enough to drive over in summers and be around my side of the family too. And close enough to see friends. I don't want to live in the south. I want to live in Montana at least at some point in my life. Jen first said she wanted to move to Florida still. I said HELL NO!!!! You can go on your own, She said she didn't want to move without me. Well if she goes to Alabama she will have to go without me. ALthough I loved LA when we went through it on the bus. I cried. It felt like HOME. But I don't want to be that far from my kids and I sure don't want to move them that far from family again. So I am sticking with my Oregon plan. But you all know me pretty well by now. I could change my mind and back again a million times bewtween now and June.
I think what I want most in the world is just never going to happen for me anyway, I may as well give up.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


In the Dark
Is a spark
Spiral Dance
Fairies Prance
The sky is fallen
My heart is stallen
Skip a beat
Feel the heat
Mississippi Mud
Soul stopping thud
Eagles sing
Squirrels Swing
Vegas nights
Christmas Lights
Valentines Red
Lonely Bed
Twisting stars
Bark at the Moon

written by me under my new name Raevyn Wolfe

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Talked To Billy Last Night

Well, Billy did call me last night from Vegas, Shocked the shit right out of me!
I told him that I am moving to Oregon so that the girls can always be close to their father. That I didn't think it would be fair to them to take them away from the area again. That they need his side of the family too. I told Billy that he is more then welcome to come to Oregon if he wants too but I am not going to Alabama or anywhere else. I have made enough mistakes this past year chasing one dream. The dream died and now I need to get back down to earth and do whats right by my kids.. I told Billy that I had lost my focus, on what was most important to me. My kids, I love my kids more then I could ever love any man, but I forgot that for awhile. I let him now this and he agreed with me. Told me I was absolutely right. We had a long conversation. I told him I hope by the time I am ready to move over to Oregon that he is ready to come home from traveling about the country, I understand what he is doing because I would be doing it too if I could. But the fact remains he is getting older and he needs to settle down, He knows this, and is almost ready, I told him I didn't think I was loved enough by him. He had never loved any one enough to settle down, why would I ever think I would be so special. He told me that I was though. I guess we will find out. Because I am going where I am going, and I am doing what I need to do for my kids. I can always live in Montana after the kids are grown and have their own lives to be living. Which really isn't that long from now. I want to spend all the time I can with all of them before they run off to travels of their own design.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I think I have made at least one decision

I have wanted to live Montana my entire life. I have no idea why. Especially with the winters the way they are and the fact that I get very depressed sometimes especially in the winter. So I have decided to compromise with myself. I am going to move to Oregon I think. Where the girls father lives. Amandas father also lives in Oregon, although I think he still lives on the coast. Anyway, If I move closer to Jason then my kids will have both their parents around them all the time. And if Billy wants to he can come to me there. Until then I am not going anywhere for that man any more. Too much has happend and my life has been shattered into too many pieces. And I really think he had something when he said he wasn't the one for me and the kids because his life is too much of a mess. His life is too much of a mess and he has no intentions on fixing it that I can see or have seen. So the next time I talk to him. If he even calls me. I am going to let him know. I am done. I can't do this anymore I can't feel this way anymore. And I need stability as much as my children do. And really he does too. I will tell him that if he wants to come to Oregon he is more then welcome. And if not then we will always be friends. I will love him for the rest of my life and I hope that he gets a brain in his head and decides to come to Oregon. I will be working on getting myself there.
In the meantime I am going to be posting as often as I can because It makes me feel better, think better and because I can.

Monday, January 15, 2007


I just love frustration. Don't you!
Billy sent me a message on myspace telling me he didn't think he was the one for me and blah blah blah. All because he got kicked out of his nephews house for some dumb argument. He believe he was just a thorn in the side of humanity. He was going through something rough. I was able to talk to him though and got everything straighted out. He is now on his way to Arizona. He has quite the life. I am going to be going to see him in Arizona when he gets there and I get my check and different things come through. I don't know whats going to happen from there. I know I want to see him and talk to him in person. I don't know what I will do after that..I am a bit confused at this point and frankly I don't know that he will actually contact me again. So I am playing it by ear. I just know that he has been away for seven months now and I haven't seen any changes other then changes in residence for him. I think he should have stayed in Alabama and so does he. He wants to go back there and I think he should. He was doing very well there. Montana won't work for either one of us come to find out .Hell the winter here has driven me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever felt. My job is on the line. I don't know if I am fired yet or not. I talked to the administrator today and we got some things straightend out. But I am confindent that if I do lose my job I will find another one that will work for me. I just have no clue what that will be. I still want to do animal massage and am thinking I should just go get a business lisense and get busy trying to do that here. I don't know. I have some decisions to make. Sierra and Lynn are coming back to me in June and I need to make sure I am stable wherever I decide to go. If I decide to go. I am no longer sure that Billy is the right person for me. At the moment it doesn't seem to be that way. He is shutting me out a lot again. And I know what that means. So I just need to make a choice. Ya I know I already said that. I just don't think he loves me the way he says he does. If he did wouldn't things be different??
I just am so tired of being alone. I am almost 36 years old. I really just want to be in a happy relationship at this point in my life. I want a partner. A witness to my life. Some one I can lean on and who knows he can lean on me. I really wanted that person to be Billy. I love him so much. But there are some deep issues there that really need to be worked on. He keep saying that it can work.. Okay , well when will that be happening?
Anyway, I have a lot to think about. More later.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Get this, I am getting fired from my job. Why? Because I have a limitations on how much I can lift and I refused to work noc shifts. I am going in to talk to one of the bosses tomarrow. I am hopeing to keep my job at least for the last part of this month. I don't know why I bother really. Why do I just keep trying and trying and trying. Why do I try and get knocked down over and over again. This tells me that I am just in the wrong damn place. Too much shit happens the wrong way for a progressive life out here for me. I need to go some where else and try again. Billy wants me to meet him in Vegas or pick him up in Montana. Jen says she wants to go to. She can't see any reason to stay here either. I really don't know what else I can do. I can't work. So what the hell am I going to do to make money? I have been wracking my brain over all this for months and I just don't have a clue any more then I ever did. I really want to do animal massage therapy. I just need a base to do it from. Hell I will even massage people. I don't need a license to make people feel good right. heh Yeah in this world I do need a licsense. I am surprised comedians don't have to have a certificate that says they can make people laugh.
Anyway, If I don't advertise myself as licensed then the law can't come down on me.
So I guess all I can do now is just go for some of my money making ideas. Make my own job. And see if that gets me any further then the last 35 years of my life has taken me.
Damn I am just in a freeking mood. I want to scream. Does anyone want to scream with me?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Crying for two days

I don't know what is wrong with me. I started crying to days ago at work. and now here I am still crying. And Billy got kicked out of his house with his nephew some stupid shit about not being able to be around kids. Fuck Billy has never done a damn thing against kids. And he never will but now he is some kind of head space and is leaving Montana even after all of our plans and everything. I can't talk to him because he is with someone else. Ralph, And Ralph lives down the street and all that blah blah blah. Anyway, He said he is defiantley leaving Montana and probably going back to Alabama which is fine. I just wish he would tell me first. I want to go to Montana that is the place I have always wanted to live. I don't want to go chasing down one dream just to lose another. I really thought I could have both in one place. I hate my life right now and seriously as terrible as it sounds my depression has gotten so bad I really just want to die.

Friday, January 12, 2007

My brain is a big bowl of sketti

okay well here goes, I am falling apart at the seems. you know the ones at the sides of your legs and the ones the ones under your arms, and ya the one that zipps down your back. In other words, my mother of all mothers of anxiety attacks started at work, I Have been crying pretty much every since, THe jury is out, I mist find an antidepressant anti anxiety medication that works well for me and doesn't kill my stomach or make me want to puke or do other things like chew on brinks for dineer and drewl all over my residen'ts. There has to be someting out there that can cheer me up, help me sleep better and not make me sick at all,,,,DOes anyone have any ideas about this/.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Change again!!!! Thank God!!

Okay I talked Jen into NOT moving in February, I just really didn't think it was a good idea.
I called Billy and discussed it with him also and he agrees with me. It would just be to tight. The money wouldn't be there. We need quite a bit of that green stuff to do all that needs to be done to do this thing the right way. The last thing I want to do is rush it and end up fucking it up!
Once I get to Missoula I plan on staying there for quite awhile and I plan on having all my ducks in a row when I get there and keeping them in that damn row for as long as I live there or anywhere else I might decided to live in my lifetime. I am very much done with screwing things up. My kids need stability, all of them. Although Pan doesn't want to go with me. She really wants to stay here with her friends or family members. I don't really know what to do when it comes to that, seeing as she will be 16 before I plan on leaving. I think she is old enough to know what she wants to do and to know where she wants to live. She wants to ask my sister Vicki if she can live with her. I really don't know what response she will get. Vicki has never offered, so that makes me think that she either hasn't thought about it, or she has thought about it and decided she didn't want her neice living with her. I don't know which it is, but I do know I wouldn't blame her for not wanting the responsibility. Especially of a bratty teenager!!!!
Although I know she could handle it because she isn't the type of Aunt who has ever put up with any Bullshit from her neices. I don't really want Pan to ask her. I want Pan to want to come with me. And I certainly don't want anyone thinking I am leaving Pan behind. I just don't want to push her into going somewhere she doesn't want to go. Although I would really like her to try it at least for a little while. At least to come to Montana with me and see what she thinks of it.
I guess only time will tell on that.. We will see . We will see.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Moving sooner then I thought

Well it seems that we will be moving to Montana much sooner then anticipated. Jen and I were going to go in February to check it out, check out jobs and places to live and all that. Jen has decided that she does not want to come back here to Washington in February and wants to just get the hell out of Dodge. Well thats all fine and Dandy with me!!! I don't want to be here any longer then I need to be. The dreams about all this going in the drink have been getting more and more vivid and more detailed, and well just all around a helluva lot more scary. To the point where I am afraid to go to sleep anymore. Since I have to work tomarrow at 11 am this is not a good thing tonight. It is almost five am now. I can't sleep anymore then I could give myself a tattoo. Not talented enough to do that!!
I am excited to get to Montana. And since it is so close I will be coming back in summer to visit. That is if there is a here left.
Work is going well. I suppose. There are many communication issues, I imagine that is true for anywhere though. I just wish that my body would let me do the work I want to do. I guess it just means that I am meant to go in another direction. Its awefully difficult to get people to accept new ideas. I know other people massage animals, I just haven't heard an aweful lot about it. But I know it works. Jens dog is a perfect example. She won't stop nuging me until I rub her!!
I started massaging animals when I was a kid. I just knew it made them feel better, like it does us. * makes me remember this old dog Brandy that I miss a lot, I love you pup!*
Damn now I have all these memories flooding back from when I was a kid, I smell the bonfire, the hot sand, the salt air and the roasting marshmellows. I can hear all the people laughing and talking, I can feel the sand under my bare feet....
Robinsons Beach on Whidbey Island, It was a resort in Mutiny Bay. Those where great summers!!
Okay back to my original subject. I don't want to pack every thing up again. Goddamn!, I just did that shit, how many times..
Well, here I go again. This time I don't have anything to give away or leave behind. I already did all that. But Jen. She has to give up lots of stuff. There just isn't going to be room for all the stuff she has packed around all these years. It will be good for her though. There are so many things that she has had for so very long that really are just weighting her down . Making her cling to the material. She will feel very much lighter and happier without all of that.
As for me. The only thing I am leaving behind is rotten eggs. Some of you know what I mean by that, others don't. Some people who read my blog and are family should get the point.
I really need to address a blog to those people one of these days. Should make for interesting reading for those of you who think everything was just perfect...Okay off I go on another twist.
Sorry folks. Just had a lot to think about these last few weeks off line.
I'll get around to explaining more. Maybe.
Love to all

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Still haven't smoked!

Hello all, I say that as though I am writing to hundreds of people. Hell according to my stats I get a few peeps a day, and thats about it anymore now that I haven't been actively blogging for so long. I really want to get back into it. There is so much I want to say that I haven't been able to get off my chest for so long. I have been having panic attacks lately because of the lack of an outlet! NO even work doesn't help with that. I take care of elderly folks who are suffering from dementia and alzheimers in the late stages. I love my job, but talking to the folks is not an outlet. Actually I have funny stories to tell about work. But I am not going to do it here, I am going to create a new blog or something of the like to express myself about work. I don't want it connected to me and then inadvertently connected to the folks at my work somehow. You might think I am being paranoid. Go ahead. I just want them to be anonymous, protect their privacy, while at the same time sharing my experiences, funnies and heartaches with anyone who would care to read about it and comment to it. Hell I forgot who I was writing to!! You all know what I am failing to express with my terrible word jumbles. You are all bloggers too.
I hope all of you are doing well. Thank you for the comments to my last post. I miss you all so much!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


Well its been awhile since I got to be online for any amount of time that would allow me to post. There are so many things I want to write about. I have been working as a care giver again. Moved to Anacortes. I will be buying a car in about a month. Billy finally made it to Montana. Which is a good thing, I thought I was going to get there before he did!!!

I have been sick the last few days and its been like a rollercoaster, every week or so I am getting ill. Don't know whats up with that but hope to get it figured out really soon. Lets see. I quit smoking yesterday. I have tried a few times since my last post but wasn't really determined. Now I am. I don't want to smoke anymore. I tried a cig today, and it was gross, after a few drags I threw it down. I know I know. But hey its my yard and I will pick it up later kay!, Anyway, Nej is anxiously awaiting her turn on this thing so I gots to go for now. Got a chance to stop by a few of your blogs, I have missed you all so much and can't wait to see al blogs!!! Love to all And I hope you all had a great holiday season.