Saturday, April 30, 2005
My sister sent this to me yesterday and I just wanted to share it with all of you. Mostly because I just want to focus on something else for the ten minutes it will take me to post it. Also Joe I am sorry that I am such a bitch. Please forgive me.
1.First name: Denise
2. Were you named after anyone? Yes I am a double junior.
3. Do you wish on stars? Yes all the time.
4. When did you last cry? Earlier today
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast turkey
7.What is your birth date? 3/1/71
8.What is your most embarrassing CD? I am proud of all of them.
9.If you where another person would YOU be friends with you? Absolutely! I ROCK!
10. Do you have a journal? yes many
11. Do you use sarcasm alot? Not much
12. What are your nicknames? The Queen, Queenie, Neecer, neecie, Beez
13.Would you ever bungee jump? HELL FUCK NO!!!!
14.Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I don't even untie them when I put them on.
15. Do you think that you are strong? I know I am
16.What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Rootbeer
17.Red or Pink? Pink
18.What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Moodiness
19.What do you miss most? absent friends
20.What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Not wearing either
21.What are you listening to right now? Tv in back ground, kids in kitchen
22.Last thing you ate? Taco bell Taco salad last night
23. If you where a crayone what color would you be? One of the new tie dyed colored ones
24. What is the weather like right now? Grey and drizzly, ( blah)
25.Last person you talked to on the phone? Someone calling about my bed
26.The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? hands and voice
27. Do you like the person that sent this to you? Yes I love her very much
28.Favorite drink? Mountain Dew
29.Favorite sport? Riding horses
30. hair color? Not sure that it can be defined
31. Eye color? hazel
32.Do you wear contacts? No but I need to
33.Favorite food? Mexican and Italian
34.Last movie you watched? Rocky Horror Picture Show!!!
35.Favorite day of the year? All of them, you never know which might be your last.
36.Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
37.Summer or winter? Summer
38.Hugs or kisses? Both please!
39.What is your favorite dessert? Strawberry cheesecake
40.Living arrangements? about to change drastically
41.What books are you reading? Not any at the moment
42.What on your mouse pad? dolphins
43.What did you watch last night on t.v.? M*A*S*H!!!
44.Favorite smells? Lilacs, roses, babies, rain, ocean, lasagna in the oven, apple pie
45.Favorite sounds? My children laughing, whalesong. rain, the ocean, bacon frying
46.Rolling Stones or Beattles? Rolling Stones
47.Whats the furthest youve been from home? Arizona, but thats about to change big time
48.Do you have a special talent? It takes a special kind of talent to be me!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Then while I was going through her hair, I got another phone call that every parent dreads. Let me first give you a bit of a heads up for this one.
When Pan came home from school yesterday she told me how freaked out she was. Apparently someone had graffitied the upper gym at her school with some very threatning things about wanting to see a teacher bleed, die, be killed etc, including this teachers family and then some of the students. Pan was the first kid listed .
Well this was disturbing of course and I got a bit worried.This is my kid after all. So when the schools principal called last night to tell me of the incident that freaked me out a bit more.I asked her if they where still going to have school and she said that yes they where, that the police where involved and etc. I told her I didn't know if I wanted to send Pan to school or not. She asked me why. I told her because Pan told me her name was at the top of the list of students. The principal then says," how would she know that?" I said I wasn't sure, so she told me to have Pan come into the office first thing in the morning to talk to her.
Okay today now: The phone rings and its the principal of Pans school.
She tells me that Pan is in the office and that they need me to come down and look at the evidence and to give a sample of my writing.
Pan told them the writing on the wall couldn't be hers because her writing is the same as mine.(HUH!) I don't know what she was trying to prove with that. Our writing is way different anyway except for the fact that we both switch the style and slant of our words throughout a page and we both also capitalize in strange places and use a cursive/print mix. All my kids do that actually. Anyway. I told bibs I needed to go and she took me and went into the school with me.
There was a police officer and the head security guard for the school district and the principal in the principals office. (sorry if I am not making sense.) Anyway, they asked me to copy a short blurb out of the paper and I did. The two sets of writing did not compare at all of course.
Then they showed me pictures of the wall and my heart sank to my feet.
I knew. Pan was the one who did this aweful thing, she was the one who had scared the crap out of hundreds of families and especially one teacher and his family who were threatend with being killed. She is the one who terrified four other kids and their parents. I almost lost it right there in the office of the school I had attended when I was her age.I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to see it anymore. Bibs was there and she just put her hand on my leg and looked at me. I pulled myself together and then I asked what had been used to write those horrible things on the wall. They said a black permanent marker and again my heart sank. Pan had come home yesterday with black marker all over her hands and arms. Some of it is still there.... Anyway, I was then told that four kids and a teacher had seen her skipping fifth period in the gym locker room. She had tried to denie that but how could she...So I asked what that had to do with anything and was informed that the kids and teacher had stated that her hands were clean when they saw her at the beginning of fifth period and at the end of the class she had black marker all over that she was trying to wash off. On top of all that evidence they also had a statement by her friend that spent the night the night before. T said that Pan told her not to be surprised to see writing on the wall of the upper gym that said the things she eventually wrote. So five kids and a teacher where all filling out police reports at the time we were in the office. Now because someone had tipped off the media the officer said he didn't want to arrest Pan on the spot.He asked me if I was planning on taking her home, I said yes, he asked me to stay home so that they could call if they needed to talk to her. We all knew she did it, she continued to denie it. She was scared shitless of course she was going to denie it. So we came home where I called my sister T and she said she would come right away. Again I was barely holding it together.T got here and we visited for a bit, then the dreaded call came. They wanted to see me and Pan at the station, they needed to question her. We were there for about two hours. Finally two officers came out to talk to me. She never did admit to them that she did anything.They didn't ask her too. They told her they knew she did it and she didn't denie it. They just wanted to know if the threat was real. Which it wasn't.They feel that she is more of a threat to herself then anyone else.She told them how angry she is and hurt that her father and step father are not in her life at all. That she feels unwanted and unloved. That she feels like I ignore her too.They suggested counseling (of course) and I told them she refuses to go. They said FORCE HER. So when we get to Mississippi I am taking her to a psychologist immediatley. I told the one officer here that we are moving there and he said that made the threat level pretty much nil as far as they are concerned. They are taking it more as a cry for help then as an act of violence. I feel like the shittiest mother on earth. How did this get this way. I again do not know what to do. She skips school , she has experimented with drugs, alcohol and god knows what else. She told them I try to talk to her but that she just can't tell me things. I do not know why she feels that way, She just says. Ewww your my mom. So after we left the police station Bib's and Pan and I went to dinner, I needed to talk to my baby. Bibs and Pan are close and I wanted both of them to know that it is okay with me if Pan confides in Bibs.That it won't hurt my feelings. With the understanding that if Bibs thinks I need to be aware of something she has the right to tell me. I didn't specify what those things where. I trust my friends judgement. We are all hoping that this helps alot. I feel like an ass. I feel lost. I feel helpless. And it is killing me to know that Pan is feeling this same way. On the way to have dinner she finally admitted to us that she did it. Oddly enough I had a strange moment of pride in her that she admitted to it.Yes I know thats twisted. I just keep telling her that alot of really great people like herself have made terrible mistakes, and that it is one way we learn about who we are and who we want to be. And sometimes what seems to be a terrible mistake will turn out to be something incredible in the end. Sometimes the most healing comes from fucking up really really bad.More later, now I must go be cheered up by reading other peoples blogs. God I hope someone has something funny to say or share.. I wish you all a better day then mine.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I was very nice though. I really was. Actually surprised myself a bit on that one:)
So today I said goodbye to two coffee tables 6 end tables, a kitchen table and chairs,a microwave, and a console tv. Two people called about my bed and washer and dryer but they never showed up to look at them. Oh well. The add will be in the paper for another 6 days. I am sure they will sell in that time.
On an even better note. My older gentleman friend is coming to see me again tomarrow! WOO HOO!!!! I cannot wait. And again it makes me regret just a bit that I am moving so very far away. Then again it makes for nice memories, heh heh heh:)
Well I am very tired so this is where I end it tonight. I will still be on for about eight more days. Gotta blog until I leave!
Sorry I didn't visit anyone tonight. I amm going to catch up in the morning...
(BIG YAWN)))))) I am just soo tired....... Love you all, have wonderific days all of you:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I will be leaving sooo much behind in about 9 days.
I made all the important phone calls today and made sure I would be prepared to get the kids in school and all that good stuff. And then I went through more stuff that I had socked away in strange places and found sooo many things that I have been looking for so long! It was cool to find things that I had made in school right along with things my kids had made in school. Pan is turning 14 may 8th and I found her preschool graduation program while I was traveling the dusty road of time gone by. Made me cry it did. To see her sweet chubby face and her tiny short legs. Remembering what a sweet little kid she was way back in the day. Now she is a huge pain in my neck! God I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world though I tell ya what.
Still haven't finished going through everything. I haven't even traversed the stairs yet to dig in up there. I am really dreading it, and will be taking a shovel and about twenty lawn and leaf bags with me for that job!
Well I am off, I have to go to bed as it is almost 2 am and I have to get up at 8 and get motivated to load the truck up and take some more stuff to Goodwill.
Everyone and all please have a glorious fabulous wonderous day!!!!
Monday, April 25, 2005
Met a guy a few months back. 13 years older then myself. Not really my type etc etc. Well I just didn't think I would GO THERE with this guy even though I liked him and all that. The comfort level was instant and the conversation was non stop. He wasn't STUPID! He gets my humor, etc, and so on. But I had an issue with his age . Sorry to all those out there who are over 45. Anyway, I learned a very WONDERFUL lesson.
Sometimes age and experience can equal over the top orgasm!!!!!
I know I know to much information, but hey its my blog and I want to talk about it!
I had judged the man on his age and the fact that he is a bit weird.
I love weird though so that wasn't a bad judegement. The age thing had me for a loop. I will never disqualify a man on age alone ever EVER again!!!!!!
I don't think I will ever see him again, but I tell ya I wouldn't mind.
We talk only occasionally and things just kinda happend. I think they happend on my part because I am a stupid and silly chick who is angry with her best friend. Whenever I get mad at Derek I go out and about and find someone to bring home, because I know it makes him jealous.
Well I did it also because It was a full moon and I always get a certain friskiness when ever there is a full moon.
Anyway, things happend. AMAZING things. Things that astounded me and made me hit the ceiling.....
Does anyone out there know of any older men that are available for some full moon fun????
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
|You Are a Prophet Soul|
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul
Name of the Band: ( one of my favoritist in the whole world) THE EAGLES
Are you male or famale? Witchy Woman
Describe yourself? Take it to the limit
How do some people feel about you? Take it easy
How do you feel about yourself? Victim of Love
Describe an ex boy friend or girlfriend: Heartache Tonight
Describe you current boyfriend or girlfriend: Waisted Time (j/k! I don't have one:) )
Describe where you want to be: Seven Bridges Road
Describe how you live: Life in the Fast Lane
Describe how you love: Peaceful easy feeling
Share a few words of wisdom: Try and love again.
This was fun to do!!!
Friday, April 22, 2005
Took the Pan and went to Fantastic Sams and we both got our hair cut, I was able to donate ten inches to Locks of Love. They make wigs for cancer patients who have lost their hair. Man o man. Chicka cut way above where I told her too. Everyone keeps telling me that it looks cute though. I am going to have Bib's take a pic and then when we get everything set up again I will post it. SOOO short, I keep running my hands through my hair and it never fails to surprise me how short it is. I colored it too, The guy at the beauty supply store sold me some stuff that is supposed to take out all the gray, Yeah Right! I think my grays are super hero grays because they are still there, smirking at me reveling in there gray glory.Arrrgggg. Someday someone will create something that will prevent gray from even coming.
Damn, until then I guess I will just age gracefully. Even though I do think it is quite unfair that I got my first gray at the ripe old age of 14.
At least the sky is blue and the grass is green! Night one sign of aging in that sky!!!
Everyone have a brilliantly colored day:)
Thursday, April 21, 2005
I have two more poetical type thingies that I found, one was unearthed from a very old file box and the other was hiding in a photo album, which by the way held pictures that made me cry, so many beloved deceased animals and friends and relatives, seeing those pictures was HARD, no wonder the albums where at the back of my cupboard.
Okay on to the poetical items.
I'm ridin the Nickleback,
cruisin to the Aerosmith,
He's gonna make me,
some guns n roses,
I travel to the land of Ozzy,
Sharon hands me a led zepplin.
Showing me, No doubt,
All about Iron Maiden,
I Staind my lips Pink,
when I drank a raspberry Moby,
I caught a Train to Jupiter,
Where it was de Creed,
I would Kiss a rock Prince,
to Rob a Zoombie,
Madonna came to pray, she
rode a White Lion and prayed
for U 2
Eagles landing tipped us over,
Foo Fighters righted us,
Dixie Chicks kissed our booboo's,
the Queen came and knighted us,
It was a Green Day in Dirty Vegas,
As we drank hot Saliva and
ate Smashing Pumpkins on
our way to Nirvana..
IN YOUR EYES
In your eyes
filled with pain
I see a sun
In your voice
resonant with sorrow
I hear a song
all about tomarrow
In your hands
full of tears
I see a strength
for coming years.
In your soul
full of darkness
I see a spark
that will not rest
In your eyes
filled with pain
I see laughter's
In your voice
resonant with sorrow
I hear music
from angels borrowed
In your hands
full of tears
I see courage
In your soul
shut of light
I see a window
out of the night
In your heart
I feel your love
below as of above
In your eyes
filled with pain
I see a sun
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Derek was here for the past two days. First night he and BIB pissed me off to the point where I wouldn't speak to either one of them.
Derek up and left after about an hour of trying to get me to talk to him.
Bib's and I went looking for him because that is just the way I am.
We couldn't find him and eventually gave up. The next day we had a lot of things to do so we went and did them. When we got back Derek showed up about an hour later. Bib's was at work so Derek and I talked, yelled, whatever and got some issues resolved. He promised to never leave like that again with out saying something first. And I promised that no matter how angry I get I will always talk to him even if I am yelling. I told him I just get so angry that I refuse to speak because I don't want to say anything that I might regret later. He said " Fuck it queen, say it anyway, everyone does that"
I said " allright then just remember you told me to do it!"
Everything was good until bib's got home, and for a bit after word. Then we got into a discussion about me and him, then we started to fight again, and it was a good long one too. We were all yelling and getting things OUT IN THE OPEN.
Bib's made it clear that NOTHING would ever happen between them and Derek said he couldn't promise anything like that because if something ever did happen he didn't want to be a liar. I told him that was fine whatever, just don't fucking plan on me going three thousand fucking god damn miles to get my heart crushed. Fuck THAT, if your gonna break my heart at least have the decency to do it where I have family and friends to comfort me. JERK!
Then I told him to take his fucking shirt off. ( this is a long standing joke with us that when men and women fight they should take off an item of clothing periodically) ( in preparation for make up sex)
Bib's didn't get it of course, she just looked at me funny like what the FUCK.
Derek laughed as he took of his outer shirt.
We toned it down a bit after that and got things settled.
Turns out that he deliberatley made me think something had happend and it never did. Which made bibs angry with Derek! HA HA mother fucker!!!!
He messed with the wrong girls trying to puff up his ego by making me jealous.
Men aren't very smart are they.
So anyway, He left at 3:30 this morning with hugs and kisses on the cheek and everything is peachy keen.
I don't know why I get so flustered when I think something is going on with him and Bibs. It doesn't bother me when he flirts like crazy with my other friends.
He is just my best friend. We aren't together. I am in love with him. And he pretty much admitted the same feelings, but he said that he would never want to hurt me and he is an ass to his ladies. Which is true. I have seen it. For some reason I just believe that he wouldn't be THAT big of an ass to me. She gave him reason after reason after reason to be the way he was with her. And i am a different person. Anyway, it will all come out in the wash. What ever is meant to be will find a way.I have a question for the men out there who read this blog, ladies feel free to answer to of course. All in put is welcome.
He said to me, that when things are handed to him on a silver platter he tends to run like a puppy. He wasn't clear though if he was directing that at me or not. Then he proceeded to make a point.
He came towards me and acted like he was gonna do something which I won't describe but which I wouldn't mind him doing.But not yet, and I shied away from him. He backed away and said see, you don't want it handed to you on a silver platter either. I am not sure how to take this.......
Monday, April 18, 2005
That is HARD! So many songs to choose from.
I can't get no satisfaction runs through my mind!
Desperado, Oh lord won't you buy me a mercedes benz, Foxy, boehmian rapsody, turbo lover,
Iron man, fairies wear boots, this is how you remind me, never again, supercalifragilisticexpialadocious, its getting hot in herrr, smoke on the water, I wear sunglasses at night, rebel yell, St. Anger, country roads, strawberry fields, Enter sandman, teen angel, I hate everything about you.
What to choose what to choose??? So many great songs out there. I just can't decide which one describes me and my life more then any other. There are entire songs, and there are parts of songs and there are lines of songs that fit. I don't think I can pick only one or two to describe me or my life. I am more complex then any song ever written could ever hope to describe, and such is my life. I am a medley, written and sung by God. I hope this settles the tag!
This morning bib's and I had just woken up and Derek came through the door!
Then my friends G and K showed up then shortly after that Jaimie came by.
We are all having dinner tonight made by me the queen. Lasagna and salad!
Yum yum yummi yum yum. As a matter of fact I need to go get that started as it is already 5:03 my time. Just wanted to pop in and say hi ya'll.
I hope you all have a lovely day!! And an even better night!
((((((((hugs to all))))))))
Saturday, April 16, 2005
The inspiration for this poem was my three babies.
I was watching them play and laugh together.
I cannot but close mine eyes
When furrow my brow
Such secret thinks ,
I cannot but hold mine breath
When tight my heart constricts
Such love will burst within ,
I cannot but press my lips
When such words my soul
seeks to express ,
I cannot but close mine eyes
When holds tight my throat
Last night I went out with my sister T and my friend Jaimie, and then Bibs joined us when she got off work.
We went to a place called J.R. Phinikeys. Its a very popular place here in MARSville usa. Alot of hiphop, fun to dance to.
The night before was out with sister K night. We got drunk and had lovely conversation.She told me she is pround of me for spreading my wings. And that I am much braver then she could ever be. I damn near cried!!!!
Tonigh I am recovering.......I feel rather icky today but I am full of warm and fun memories!!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday:)
Thursday, April 14, 2005
I have a ton of those blank books that my mom and aunts bought me so long ago to write my poems and thoughts in.
I decided to glance through the one I found at the bottom of the closet.
I want to share with you a poem that I wrote when I was 17.
I think most of you will get a kick out of it.
Woman,She's an angel in truth,
a demon in ficion,
A womans the greatest of all contradictions,
She's afraid of a cockroach, she'll scream at a mouse.
But she'll tackle a husband as big as a house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse.
She'll split his head open, then be his nurse
and when he is well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up a teapot and through it at his head.
She's faithful. deceitful,keen sighted and blind
she's crafty, she's simple, she's cruel, she's kind.
She'll lift a man up, she'll cast a man down
She'll make him her hero, her ruler, her clown.
You fancy she's this but you find that she's that
for she'll play like a kitten, and fight like a cat.
In the morning she will in the evening she won't
and your always expecting she will but she won't.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I can't wait!
I am also meeting my sister V for lunch at Don's Resteraunt. The same place I took that poetic, angelic, cowboy Joe!
Next week around the same time BIB's and my sister T and I are going out to do the karaoke and dancing and drinking thing.
Then next weekend my D mom is coming up and we are going to go out then too, I think we are going dancing but I'm not sure. Well they will dance. Not me, I wouldn't make anyone witness that horror!
Then sometime in the next week or so sister T and I are going out for a dinner and some alone time together before I leave.
I am so at ease with this move now that I have an address to go to.And so excited! Derek is not the only friend that I have in Ms.
There is also his ex Vee. And his sister T.L. and his brother L, and L's girlfriend Stan(not actually her name)
I am sooooo excited I just can't maintain my dignity right now, I am totally wiggling in my seat! I need to go and get some more stuff done!!!!!
Also on the home front I talked to my dad a bit a go and he actually told me that he loved me. I couldn't believe it.
He was very cool about everything we talked about.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
He told me that he could go and get an address for me right now today in Hattisburg Mississippi. I told him that I would rather have him do that and then we could all look for the place that we want in Florida and then I can have plenty of time to get stuff situated and I can visit with other friends I have in Hattisburg!
So he went out and rented me a mobile home! So I have an address and a place to call home in Mississippi. It is temporary but like I said its wonderful, I am so relieved that all that is settled. And he is relieved because he was stressing about trying to be in two places at once trying to find a place in P'cola and not knowing if BiB's and I would be happy with the place he got for us.Bib's is happy too because now we are more settled. All in all today was a good day!
My sister is on her way her now to buy my car. That is getting me down a little bit but It is a neccassary thing.And my sister needs the car desperatley so we are helping eachother out! Works out great if you aks me:)
Jaimie came over today and took a bunch of stuff off my hands to help furnish her new apartment, gave a bunch of stuff to her friend too.
So far everything is going right along. I feel fortunate to have so many people giving me positive feedback and encouragement. Thankyou so much everyone who posted a comment to my last post. Your words mean so much to me.
Everyone have a fabulous day!!!!!!!
Monday, April 11, 2005
I believe in going where I am directed. Things tend to go haywire if I don't listen to my higher up!
I am now sitting here at 12:58 a.m. thinking that I am crazy for not being in bed.When in acuallity I wouldn't be sleeping anyway.
I had the unexpected delight of making someones dream come true tonight and I am still warm and fuzzy from that experience. It was lovely to be told that I had helped someone like that. Also surprising! I didn't know I COULD do that!
Anyway, everyone else in the house is sleeping and I really should be too. Its back to the grindstone tomarrow. Kids back to school after a peaceful spring break and me back to sorting and packing after a friend time break.
My sister T is buying my car on Wednesday morning. I don't like the thought of being vehicleless. I did that for a long time and have only had my car for a year and a half. I worked my ass off to get that damn thing! And now I am letting it go so I can travel across country to the unknown. Am I going koo coo or what?! I am so excited about getting to Florida yet the closer the time comes to leave the more I know I am going to miss Washington. I have lived here all my life. When I look to the east I see the Cascades. When I look to the west I see the Olympics. I can go to the rocky beaches and look upon the dark blue waves whenever I want because I know how to get there. I can go to the cabin on Whidbey Island and have fresh crab and clams all day long because I know how to catch them or dig them up and I know how to cook them just right.
I can call up my fishin cousin ( the master Bater) and have fresh Copper River salmon flown to me airmail in less the 24 hours. I can take a 45 minute car ride and drive into downtown Seattle and enjoy the Space Needle and the Aquarium and the Zoo. I can take an hour and 15 minute drive to Tacoma and go to the Dome for a concert. I know where my friends and family live and I can visit them anytime I want. I know where the Safeway is and I go there at least once a day if not three times. I know what to expect from traffic. I know all the cops by name.The kids know where they are and how to get home from just about everywhere in town. Their friends are right here on this block and the next.
I grew up in this house close enough to the freeway that I can hear it as I type. Close enough to the train that I can hear it in my sleep and it comforts me.
And now my children have had the same experience in there lives. My youngest has spent most of her life in this house. She learned to walk here just as I and my sister V did. Just as our father did. Just as our grandfather did.
I am going to miss this house most of all I think. I lived here until I was 7 years old. Then moved in when Lynnie was a baby, moved out and moved back in again when lynnie was three. I married my last husband in this house right here in the livingroom. This livingroom is where I met my baby sister for the first time when she was brought home from the hospital and I have loved her from the first moment I laid three year old eyes on her. Moving away from her is so very hard to do. I climed my first tree in the back field. I picked my first apple off the only apple tree still standing. Gutted my first fish on my grandpas back patio right next door. This is where we had crab feeds and poker parties. bbq's and shindigs. I don't know how I am typing right now with all these damn tears in my eyes. When I am really quite at night sometimes I can hear the laughter of my parents friends resonate softly along the walls. Some of them are gone now and the best memories I have of them are right here in this house. Walking away is the hardest thing I have ever done. Memories are not what is important here. What is important is that I don't forget them as I spread my wings.
Goodbye house, thankyou for all these years of sturdiness in the wind. Creaking floors to comfort me at night. Walls that kept me and mine safe and warm. Windows to look out into the world. Doors to keep out the night.And a spirit of your own which will never die even if you cease to stand.
Thankyou house for absorbing our memories into every bit of your foundation, into every drop of paint we layered on your walls.Into every sliver of your hard wood floors.Thankyou house for loving us just as we have loved you....
I promise I won't forget. No matter how far I go from your loving nest.Thankyou for letting me color your walls with my life.
I love you.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
In the larger bins I found a variety of old backpacks, kid artwork and report cards.Still missing however is the paperwork from my most recent divorce. I suppose I will have to go to the court house to retrieve what I need out of that paperwork. I will do that when I go to get birthcertificates.
Among some of the more interesting items I found. Missmatched gloves, a scarf I made in fifth grade.A baby blanket I made when I was pregnant with Pan, my very own baby blanket! And a whole bunch of socks.....That what made me put my palm to my chin and mumble hmmmmmmm with a bit of a kink in my lip.
Anywhoo that was my day today.By the end of yesterday from my bedroom alone I had five lawn and leaf bags ready to go to the Goddwill. Today so far I have six. I think I am done for the day actually. Tomarrow is finishing laundry and going through shoes and coats day. The day after that I start packing stuff off the walls!!!! I am getting so excited!!!!
Everyone have a fabulous day:)
Friday, April 08, 2005
I wrote a post about how the MRI went. Which is .Not well. I was in such severe pain from laying on that hard table. And something strange happend. I was totally fine not panicking or anything. The machine was open. I could see out the top and out the sides. So I knew I could get out if I wanted or needed to. Like I said I was fine, completely relaxed no problems,no worries.
Suddenly I felt funny, everything started going black from the outside of my vision and I felt all warm and tingly and NOT in a good way. In a very scary way.I got dizzy and felt numb and just all over weird. So I told the guy something is wrong. I don't feel right. He came in and asked me to look at him. I couldn't turn my head right away. It was like my body didn't want to cooperate with me. He told me again to look at him. I slurred, "i'm trying". This concerned him and he brought me out of the machine. Again he said "look at me"" do you see me?" I said that yes I could see him but it was dark.(the room was lit up like a midsummer afternoon).
He didn't like it that I said everything was dark and I feel funny. bad funny not haha funny.
He made me take some deep breaths. Which I did, but that didn't help clear my head.
I sat up slowly, by now I just wanted to get the heck out of dodge. My head began pounding with inner jack hammers. It felt like Mike Tyson was in my brain trying to box his way out of my ears.
I don't know what happend. And the techy guy wasn't sure either. He said he thought it was a panic attack. Hmm I am very familiar with panic attacks I do have them sometimes. This was not a panic attack, at least it wasn't like one I have ever had before. This was different. It was very similar to the way I felt right before I had a seizure when I was 13. It was exactly like that as a matter of fact. With the seperation feeling, and the blackness coming in from the sides and the pounding headache. Yeah I am NEVER getting another MRI ever. The Tech said that my Doc wouldnt get what we had so far done unless I finished. I said NO WAY! The tech actually agreed with me. Said he didn't really want to finish with me feeling the way I was. So now I have to have a cat scan or something. I don't even know. I'v been trying to get ahold of my Doc.
In other news. Today I am actually going through clothes and shoes and blankets and stuff.
I know I know I have been trying to get that done for like 2 weeks now. Today is the day.
I got most of the laundry done so now I am going to get everything ready and take it down to the Goodwill. There is some good stuff in those piles man. My kids grow out of everything so fast its just amazing to me the excellent state some of there clothes are in. Then I am going through mine. And I have lost a little bit of weight. I am looking at some of the clothes that my mom gave me.(She was trying to be nice, I swear she really was)
There is just no way that I could ever wear some of those things!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My god, If I wanted to be around clowns I would GO to the circus, not invite one to come under my blouse. Some of the shirts she bought me, I swear to you, there could be a five ring circus under them. And they aren't pretty either!
I have had it with people calling me about the damn birds too. The add isn't in the paper anymore, It was in over the weekend. People they where pets! The last paper they where in was Sundays. THEY ARE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay gotta go round up the kids to get them busy doing something around here to help get us situated for moving.
Everyone have a glorious day in your neighborhoods wherever they may be:)
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
My back is still kind of out, I get numbness and tingling and spasms. This should not be happening anymore. And Even though I went through physical therapy it just made things worse. Worse pain and worse spasms. So the therapist and my doctor have agreed that the injury is permanent and that I will not recover any more then I already have. There statements are not enough however and so I am going in for and MRI.Lower lumbar. I am thinking that I should have a full spine. From cervical to saccral. (neck to tailbone).I have asked for this to be done as I also have been having bad pain in the servical and thoracic areas too.And when I was going to therapy the therapist had to put my saccral illiac joint back in place.No one listens to me though. They never have. And believe it or not I cannot find a better Doctor in this area.
I am hoping to have better luck in Florida.I am looking forward to being drugged up for the MRI. I will be feeling quite loopy by the time I get home! I am axtremely claustrophobic. I will seriously FREAK out if they where to not give me drugs. I once freaked out in an ambulance so bad that they had to pull over and open the doors so I could breathe. It was bad. I lost my ever loving mind. Screaming and all.
Well I took your advice dl and I took a bit of a break. visited some other folks and now I have to go to bed. Hopefully I will be able to catch up on everyone tomarrow morning.
Love and Hugs to all who read this:)
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Well I'm off to the grocerie store for some propel. We love that stuff around here.
ANd maybe it will PROPEL me into getting done what I need to get done.
Everyone have a fabulous day!
Monday, April 04, 2005
Male, handsome, (big sigh)....What is a girl to do?
(big sigh)(yes I know! another one..)
I don' t know how this happend. I was just merrily going along minding my own business, being madly in love with my best friend Buttman, aka Derek. Then out of no where. BANG! BOOM! CRASH! I am really liking someone . I have never met him in person. I don't even know his last name I have no clue where he lives (address wise) I don't even have his email address.(granted I haven't looked on his site for it either).This is surprising to me. I thought that being in love with Derek would save me from the big bad world of unknown men. Man was I wrong. And WOW what a revelation.
I never knew I thought that..Whoa.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Hey there everyone! A rose for all to enjoy..
Things are going good here, I went through some stuff today and found a place for my huge entertainment center to go. My friends J and B just moved into a nice new apartment and need stuff! Yeah!!! I have sooo mush stuff to give them that they need.
J said she would never get rid of the entertainment center and she would tell people her Neccie gave it to her! Too funny, and oh so sweet.
The house is way too quite without the noise from the birds and the fish tank.Bib's and I where discussing it yesterday. She was happy that the house was quite and I was going crazy. The kids where all off doing there own things and it was the first day with no birds. I thought I was gonna pull my hair out. I am not thinking that I am going to get birds again though because they are sooo damn messy. Bellie wants a lovebird though so I might end up giving in on that one.
Still can't wait to get to Florida, I am ready for sunshine and warmth. I am a little trepidatious about hurricanes and such. That kind of thing scares me. At least there is a warning system though. Here with the earth quakes there is no warning. I was hoping to be here though for when St. Helens erupts again. That was so cool the first time. Ash everywhere!!!!And the boom was so loud it cracked our driveway this far north.
I still haven't gone through all the clothes. I have a lot more to weed through.Blankets to.I think I will get to it tomarrow. Not sure, there is just so much to do. I want to get some stuff packed up that I don't need now but want to take. Like my precious chatchkeys.My froggies and roosters and cows. Yah , I have sooo much to do.
Talked to Derek a bunch this weekend. He is really excited that we are coming. I just want to be warm again. My fingers are so cold in this old house with no carpet and no heat that it is getting hard to type.
I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that everyone has a fabulous work week:)