Thursday, June 30, 2005
Got alot done today. I moved all the furniture in the living room and swept and scrubbed under it. Then I hit the bathroom, kitchen and my room. We had an easy dinner tonight. Cheesy hot dogs. Hey the good kind where on sale at Safeway I couldn't pass it up. It was one of those nights where the kids didn't complain about dinner! If it were up to me I would have loved to have a salad with all the yummies. Cucumber, broccoli, tomatoe, celery,peas, radishes....oh man.. I got to get some salad stuff!!!!
Its down to the end of the month and I don't have much left. Why do I always do this? I never save like fifty bucks for the end of the month bullshit. I somehow figure it will just be enough.
Some how it always is, I just hate getting down to the bare minimum. Three things of burger, one thing of ground chicken. and some frozen veggies just won't cut it. Oh lets not forget the package of sausage. I got some ice too if that counts for anything!
The fridge is a mess. I hate cleaning the fridge. I am afraid something will bite me.
I got some stuff out of it earlier but it needs to be SCRUBBED. I hate when there are little dried peas and stuff on the shelves. I know, I know.. but... uggg...alright. I will clean it tomarrow.
WOW did I just have an entire conversation with myself..this is getting bad. I need to go to bed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Hear ye the words of the star goddess,
She is the dust of whose feet are the hosts
of heaven, and who's body encircles the universe.
I who am the beauty of the green
earth, the white moon among the stars
and the mystery of the waters call unto thy soul;
Arise, and come unto me.
I am the soul of nature who gives life to the universe.
From Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return Before My Face,
beloved of gods, and of men, let thine intermost divine self be enfolded
in the rapture of the infinite.
Let My worship be within the heart that rejoices,
for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals.
Therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion,
honor and humility,mirth and reverence within you.
To thou who thinkest to seek Me, know that thy
seeking and yearning shall avail thee not.
Unless thou knowest thy Mystery.
If that which you seekest thou findest not within thee.
Thou wilt never find it without.
For behold, I have been with thee from the begining and
I am that which is attained at the end of desire.
(from Doreen Valientes "charge of the goddess"
This touched me in a way in which I cannot describe. I have been doing alot of research on line.
I won't be doing much of anything for the month of July. I will be watching my niece and getting another shot at trying that damn MRI. I have good drugs right now though to make sure I can pretty much pass out on the table. I hurt myself the other day and so I have been taking some Morphine and Alprazolam to help with that. I sure as heck type funny though. Its weird, its like I know what I want to say, my fingers know where to go. They just jump off track here and there. Weird. I will be going to a three hour training seminar the second week of July so that I can start volunteering at the Everett Animal Shelter on weekends!!!!!! I am so excited about this. Once I have volunteered for awhile and learned some important stuff I am going to see what I need to do to become an actual animal control officer. I don't want to be a cop per se. And lets get real people their is no way that I could pass the health requirnments. But I can so get a puppy out from under a house. Just watch me!!!!!okay druggies are running around in my brain begging me to just lay down maaannnn. peace!!!!!!
Wet pavement on a warm spring day.
Dewy roses ( the old fashionends that smell so lovely)
Wet puppy noses and kisses and oh that puppy smell!
Kittens playing in the grass for the first time.
Coffee brewing in the morning ( No I don't drink it but I love the smell and the sound of the coffee pot)
Hot Steamy Showers for no reason other then just standing there relaxing.
Swimming in the river in the middle of summer, naked!
waking up to three pairs of arms hugging me
the sound of laughter from the other room
the sun coming through the piano window
The kitchen full of light in the evenings while I cook for my family
the smell of dove body lotion
the color of the sky when its not quite dark yet but the sun is gone
the moonlight on my bedroom wall
the way the tooth brush feels against my gums
washing my hair (everyday)
washing the dishes ( I love to do this)( and now there is DAWN with BLEACH ALTERNATIVE!)
singing at the top of my lungs anywhere
walking in sand
watching the sky on the fourth of July
Having no one to answer to
Mt. Dew in the morning ( especially when its delivered right to my bedside by my bestfriend!)
holding my doggie
when kajun actually crawls up on me and lets me hold him and pet his ears. ( normallly kajun is very tempramental.)
A few hours of peace every night.
When I can do something for someone and they don't know I did it!! ( heh heh)
reading blogs, sometimes this is a HUGE pleasure!!!!
a lilac scented breeze
eating a meal with family
getting my hair cut
when I know my bills are paid and I have ten extra dollars to do something with
praying in my way
getting to know new people
I have decided what I want to do with my life. Ever since I was a little little girl people have told me that I have a way with animals. Which I do, though a tad less then I did when I was a kid.
I want to help animals and people. Everytime I watch animal rescue shows I want to jump through the tv and lend a hand. I want to rescue animals from bad situations. I want to help them get help. I especially want to help people who love their animals but cannot afford to take care of them as well as they would like, or they just don't know what they should be doing. I see it alot on animal hero's and animal police, and all the aspca shows. I was hymmin and hawin about it and then I read a very special post that Steel Cowboy did. God works in mysterious ways for sure for sure. I don't know if I need to go to school at all to work with the aspca, I don't know if I need to volunteer first for awhile, maybe I need to take a few classes that they require, Whatever it is, I am going to find out as much as I can online right now. Then I am going to make phone calls in the morning and figure it out. I don't care where I have to move to. I don't care what I have to do period. I want to do this. More then I have ever wanted to do anything.
I have been working with and living with animals my entire life. I have alot of experience with horses. I believe I have alot to offer to any animal rescue. Especially the desire to make a difference. Okay gotta go check that out.
Happy Happy everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 27, 2005
On a side note: I hope I didn't offend anyone yesterday with my post. No, Iron chef, number four did not mean Abnormal. Nor did it mean Wanda. So far in my life they are the only two people who have made politics make any sense to me what so ever. (thank you for that Abnormal and Wanda!!!)
I was bouncing around the internet last night for quite some time, looking for pics of interesting things. FUNPICS.COM has some entertaining pics for sure!!!! I spent hours perusing the site. Some of the pics fascinated me. Only because I am strange though. WARNING ADULT CONTENT AHEAD>>>>>There are pics there of men that have two penis's. I couldn't help but wonder what would that be like. To be a man with TWO penis's, healthy ones to boot, both perfectly usable. And then I wondered what would it be like to be that dudes girlfriend. You know how would that conversation go of him saying uh hon there's something about me you should know..... how many women out there would walk away right there and how many would jump his bones right there???
Then of course there are the pics of men transforming into women. So they have been taking hormones and have boobs and penis's. I know some people who would really dig that. Me not so much.. then there are a few hermaphrodite pics. people who were born both male and female. Now that was interesting and I am going to do some more research on it. Can you imagine how THAT conversation would go. Here you are dating a manly man, buff, bearded, tattooed, built chest, not moobs or boobs just nicely muscled. And he says he has something to tell you. Can you imagine hearing, I am a man, I look like a man, I feel like a man but I have this certain anatomy......okay people with all honesty who would stay and who would run like the wind? Me I am weird I guess, cuz If I was in love with him I would stay. Even if we did have more in common then most folks do with there signifigant other. Does that make me sick do you think? Seriously what would you do???? Just something to ponder maybe the next time you are bored.
The world should never, ever, ever let me get bored like this EVER.!!END OF ADULT CONTENT<<<<<<
Sunday, June 26, 2005
1) Judge people by how they look. I don't get it. How can people walk or drive around being so critical of other people. How can a man or woman find their true love if they are so wrapped up in the outer appearance. I have always said, it is not the wrapping but the gift inside. We all know some shitty ass presents have come in gorgeous wrap with lots of ribbons and doo dads. And vice versa. Such is life and people. I am telling you!
2) Putting so much value on money. WTF. You can't take it with you when you leave this world.
Yeah its great to pay the bills etc, but why the hell does anyone need to pay 500.00 for a pair of jeans that is made of denim and probably mass produced in some sweat shop in india for pennies.
We all know the person who put those jeans together will more then likely never see 500.00 in their lifetime. How stupid is that!
3) Worshipping celebrities, yes I think they are great, some are incredibly sexy. So are alot of people I know. I just don't see what it is with the world in general that actors and singers are some how more important then everyone else.
4) Following Politics , I don't get it. Everything I know about politics and politicians is FUCKED UP. I can't follow it. I get confused. Not one of them or anyone who follows that stuff can talk straight! I have a simple mind. I really do, I don't want to talk in cirlces, I don't want to read in circles, and I certainly don't want to try to think in convalusions either. UG. I hate politics and government its all fucked up and needs to be re done.
5) Wearing makeup and dressing nice, that's for weddings and funerals and then its the best pair of jeans and some lip gloss. My mom got mad at me once for wearing tennis shoes to her moms funeral. It was DECEMBER! It was raining, the cemetary was muddy, everyone wished they had worn tennis shoes too. My attire had nothing to do with how I felt about my grandmother.
I don't get why everyone has to try to dress themselves up, as though they aren't beautiful just for who they are. A divine spark of god does not need makeup and glitter, and fancy clothes.
Okay I am tagging Princess (she's never had to do one of these!! heh heh) Steel Cowboy, Trucker Bob, Victoria, and Juno.
Now I gotta go tell em all.. If I ain't back in fifteen minutes send out the blogdogs to search for me.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Any man that can enjoy music he is making this much, is my kind of man.
Just think of the stamina he must have ....
Those broad shoulders and beefy arms, those legs and mmmm that neck..
I am totally using hot men to my advantage right now. I have not one thing to say.
Three guess's on who the next guy of my wet dreams is! Whoever gets it right will have a story written for and about them and the person or persons of their choosing at S. S. S. (Secret Smutty Stuff) Come on play along with me, ya know ya wanna win(wink wink)!!!!!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Anyway. Went to visit with my D mom today she moved back up here again. She was babysitting my nephews and my niece so I kept her company. I told her right away about dude that is bothering me. T (my sister the princess) and D mom know dude because he is my brother Sev's friend. Anyway, I told my mom what had happend that had me freaked out. She agreed whole heartedly with me, saying it freaked her out too. My bro stopped by to bring clean unders for his youngest son and mom told him."You had better talk to DUDE, he's gonna have Derek on his ass." Sev looked at me, mom told him what DUDE said. Sev quit grinin a said." I will go talk to him right now." He didn't look happy. I know DUDE is his friend. But I am too embarrassed to say what it is that DUDE has been calling and saying to me. Gross, Rude, and unacceptable are just a few words to describe. But when he said to me that he was thinking of sneaking into my house to surprise me and wake me up. Well I get the heebies just thinking about that. THAT is why I called Derek. I can almost gaurantee that Derek will be looking for DUDE and letting him know to leave me the hell alone. He doesn't have to do this. I just have a feeling that he will. Just to make sure DUDE knows I am not unprotected . That I DO have big strong men friends that happen to care a great deal for me and my kids. I am telling you though. I want to move. I want to change my number. I am afraid to be alone here with my kids. Sometimes I feel like that anyway. Then I realize, I am not some pansie ass whiney damsel in distress bitch. I CAN TOTALLY KICK ASS! If I need to protect my kids, I have no doubt that I would just go absolutely amazonian nutso blender karate crazy.
I don't think I will be online much tomarrow either. Or the next day. I have alot of stuff to get done around here. I just wanted to say that because I don't want any of you to think that you are being ignored. I gotta do something about the way my life is going. Job hunting is getting me no where so far. I need more luck with that. I hope you are all doing wonderfully. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!:)
I know, I know, Its about time I pulled my head out of my ass.
I just can't do it anymore. I love Derek he is my best friend. He ignored me for the last few days since he left. Tonight I had a pretty bad scare, I sent him a text and he was there for me. I won't go into right now I gotta get some sleep. Lets just say that the safety and well being of my children and myself has taken presedence over any kinda other b.s. I am freaking out a bit here.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
there are no straight forward lines of cognition.
I am losing this boxing match inside my mind.
Purple, green , red, and silver.
I can't see, I am so blinded with thinking of you.
I don't know why I allow this torturing of myself
I am a prisoner of this war you are fighting with you.
I cannot break these confusion chains.
The want to, has left me standing, on the side of myself.
Liberty from my heart. grant this to me please god.
I fall on my painted knees.
still is my heart now. Still is my soul.
I am left empty. there is no light.
This vessel is barron of desire's and dreams.
There is no music here.
I cannot revolve around your world anymore.
Reaching to the stars for sanity.
Rainbows never end.
The sky does not begin.
Filtering swirls of twilight glow.
Sneaking thinkings going round.
from the moon.
to listen to you breathe
Monday, June 20, 2005
If you are going to tell me that you could be feeling more then you are ready to admit, don't take it back, say it again, and take it back again. TWICE.
If you are going to make an ass of yourself with my online friends please let me know ahead of time so that I might warn them of what you think is a sense of humor.
If you are going to get angry with me for putting the truth in your face, please let me know ahead of time that you are not going to speak to me, or answer my texts and calls.
If you are going call me every five minutes when you are away from me for fifteen please let me know so I can put my life on hold.
If you are going to sit with me, instead of your family at your nephews graduation, don't get upset with me for what you thought was a dirty look when you checked out some chick. What were you doing sitting with me instead of your family you haven't seen in ages, and what are you doing watching my reactions to anything you do if you are not interested in me in return?
If you are going to tell me that I am jealous please be prepared to hear all the ways in which you show your jealousies. You know the ones that are felt as far away as EGYPT and AFRICA.
People I don't even really know, People you have no cause to talk to the way you did.
If you are going to try to make me jealous by pointing out girls on yahoo, please be prepared for me to flip you shit and make jokes. Please do not tell me that I am jealous and then start an entire conversation you claim you don't want to have.
If you think for one minute that I believe you when you tell me that you don't love me like that, and you have a huge grin on your face ,please, please just don't think that I will believe you. Its just easier that way.
If you are going to move back here because I am here and couldn't go to Mississippi, just know that I don't expect you to be with me.
I love you even though you are a pompous ass. I love you even though you believe that I don't.
You are my best friend , I cherish that you are a vivid, vital important person in my life.
I want you to be in my life, I really do, so don't take this wrong. I may want you in my life, I may love you to bits and pieces. But baby cakes, I don't NEED you . I spent 28 years of my life with out you in it. I can spend the rest of it without you too. I cannot take this anymore. Crying is not my friend, stress is not my friend. Lying to oneself is not my friend. I love you so much right now I hate you. I don't even want to talk to you right now. And yes, it IS because you are being an ass and not answering when I call. We made a rule. We don't do that to eachother. You have been breaking that rule all day. Don't like being faced with the truth head on. You should know better then to ask for it. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you. I, fuckin, aee, love you and I hate myself for it.
Ever since the days of Vinnie Barbarino I have loved this man. I was ten the first time I saw him I think. Mr. Travolta I will always love you! You are the only man who had never let me down!
Look at him, look into those eyes and tell me he doesn't have the most beautful soul!
Sunday, June 19, 2005
I would like to point to the new item on my sidebar. I have made a memorial to Stuart.
Please everyone visit his site and read the last poem he posted the day before he passed. Stuart was an inspiration to many. And a great friend to all who were graced to meet him. The memorial will be on my blog as long as I have it.
I would like to say thank you to everyone who pasted a comment. It means alot to me and I know it means alot to Stuart.
Jac, I am so sorry for Dereks behavior last night when you im'ed me thinking I was still on line.
I am not feeling well today. Don't really know why, just have zero energy and didn't really want to get out of bed. We had a great time yesterday going to the Parade here for the Strawberry Festival. There where planes flying in formation over head. The news chopper was swooping around. With everyone waving at it all up and down our main street. We are all atteniion whores here in Marysville.The parade is usually boring but this year it was actually really great. I did have the shit scared out of me though. Stupid Fucking CLOWNS! GOD I HATE CLOWNS!!!!! And this one was FREAKY, (shiver)
Just thinking about his bright orange hair sticking straight up really tall like flames, and his red painted mouth and orange exagerated eye paint... If you could see me right now you would probably laugh. (shiver again, with a gag) God I have goosebumps. THAT Stupid clown got sooo close I had to scream and cover my head in my sweatshirt.My kids were laughing at me. Amanda was pulling on my sweatshirt saying " he's gone mom he's gone." I just screamed into my boobs. Sierra who was sitting on the other side of me says." OH mom DON"T LOOK! He's right in front of you." I screamed again and made myself believe it was AMANDA that was pulling on my sleeve. I was terrified and frozen, I couldn't move, I started sweating. Only when Sierra told me that he was gone would I look up. The rest of the parade went by without incident. Then we walked home in the semi dark. It was lovely being able to walk down the middle of the main street with no fear. With so many other people from my city. I love Strawberry Festival. I think I will stay home today though. I heard something about clowns being at the carnival today.
YEAH I will stay RIGHT HERE thankyou very much!!!!!
Going to visit everyone now. I hope you all have a splendiferous day.
And don't forget.
God loves you!!!
OH that reminds me.
I love frogs right. Well I can't remember where the heck I saw it so if you know please let me know.
Frog stands for Fabulous Reminder Of God.!!!!!
I thought of a few on my own too.
LIke Dog is Dream Of God.
and Hold On to GOD or HOG ( I am thinking Harleys here people)
And I had one for cat but now I can't remember what it was. I know the A was Alah
I almost Forgot!!!!!!
Thankyou for the lovely reminder Victoria:)
DAD I LOVE YOU!!! HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!!!!
AND to all those dads out there be you men or single moms HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I recieved an email from the family of Stuart O. He was a wonderful friend and a great man.
His posts were inspiring and timely. Stuart, so many times the words you sent to me via email eased my aching heart, or lightend my soul. Your Peace Of Mind blog meant the world to me, as it was a way to share with you, my friend, our love of God. That you are in heaven I have no doubt. Watch over us Stuart, visit often in our dreams. I pray for your family and dear friends that they are comforted in their loss of you. Go brightly with the speed of light my friend. We will meet again at the feet of our Lord.
I will miss you very much..
In honor of Stuart I will not be blogging anymore today. It is my way of giving a moment of silence.
Friday, June 17, 2005
I said." Well I have plans today we are just waiting for Derek to get back and then we are leaving." Then she got onto me about not taking the kids to the carnival last night because I was waiting for Derek to get here. Well shame on me, I have manners. Someone should have raised me better then to wait around for expected company. Sheesh.
Anyway, then she started going into how it is just so unfair that I won't let her take Pan and Lynn to the cabin without Sierra.So I told her that she didn't have to see Sierra 's face when ever she goes to the store and takes Lynn, or Pan, or both ,and then doesn't even bother to bring anything back for Sierra, yet the other two got stuff because they went with her. I told her, you are not the one who has to sit here for two hours hugging Sierra, and drying her tears, and trying to convince her that she IS very loved. She said I was trying to take her on a guilt trip then started talking about how I am punishing the other two. She says ." So just let them all be punished, let them all suffer then, thats just great." I said." Do you hear yourself?" She said. " Yes I hear everything quite clearly."
About that time my friend Morgan stopped by and heard the conversation. He knows I don't have alot of money to go spend on the kids doing anything. After I got off the phone with my mom.Morgan handed me 80.00$ and told me to go get the kids dinner and spoil them. So I did. We went and had a great time and watched Derek's nephew Cody ( YAY CODY) graduate. (AWESOME) and then we went to KFC for dinner. We also made it to Horse Country where the kids had a ball meeting horses and feeding them carrots.Pan has decided that she definately wants to go up there and work with the horses this summer so that is way cool. I have so many great memories of that place from when I was a kid. About Amandas age. from 9 to 14 I went up there all year round and went through about 6 different horses. Was in 4 H and the whole bit. I learned so much more up there then horsemanship. Okay wow did I get off track.
My mom ticked me off and thats that. I am tired of her treating Sierra like she doesn't exist. I am tired of her being ignored, or yelled at. Even my moms friends tell me that they think its horrible. I told her that today. and she told me not to go there, that her friends say things about me too. I said well sure they do, until they hear my side.! Anyway. I know I am not a perfect mom, I know there are alot of things I can work on. I always thought that being a parent was the biggest lesson we have to learn in life. But it is different for each parent. Because each child is different. I need to do what I feel is right for my kids, my mom needed to do what she felt was right for me and my sister. You need to do what you feel is right for your children. I just wish that my mother would take a little time to get to know Sierra better. I know Sierra doesn't listen to my mom. I tend not to listen to people that I feel hate me too. I wouldn't want to pay attention to someone that always makes me feel bad. Their is so much more to this situation.. I can't write any more right now..................
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I made spaghetti for dinner with salad and ranch dressing and a nice crusty french bagette.
Very very delicious. Just describing it to Derek convinced him to drive here all the way from Summner where he is supposed to unload. So he dropped the trailer in the trucking company's yard and drove for almost two hours heh heh heh. I think that speaks pretty well for the cook that I am. Anyway, trouble brewing for my sister. Derek is giving her another perspective in it though. Who knows how that situation will turn out, I just know that all involved need prayers and love and understanding. I hope they can all tread gently on each others souls.
I don't know what I am going to do tomarrow. I got so much done today in my boredom.
I guess I could scrub the bathroom some more. Or maybe give the dog a bath. That is an excellent idea actually. Its been four days and daezee stinks.
I really don't have to much to say tonight, Like I said I am in a strange mood. I feel kinda spacey. Literally, my brain keeps checking out..
May you all have a fantabulous evening, and a glorious tomarrow...........
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I was coming home from the store when I heard honking and screaming, WOO HOO kinda screaming, YAY I am young and alive and just accomplished somthing huge kinda screaming.
Three decorated pick up trucks came cruising down the street, Filled to the brim with happy, screaming teenagers. You guessed it. GRADUATES! Just writing about it now brings tears to my eyes along with the ear to ear grin. They were so happy and proud of their accomplishments.
So thrilled just to be in that exact moment.
For me the moment was bittersweet.
I was confused at first as to why I would cry at such a thing. Then I realized.
I never graduated. I never got to walk that walk. I was to busy doing other things. Like being married to young and expecting Pan. I was too busy graduating in other areas of life. To busy getting a different kind of education. You know, while I was thinking about it. I realized that I had been such a dumb ass. But I am one heck of a happy dumb ass I tell you what.
I wouldn't give up my Pan, I wouldn't give up being married to that Jerk wad. And I certainly wouldn't give up everything I learned. I have decided just this moment right now that I have graduated. I deserve to feel just as proud of myself for the things I have accomlished in my life.
That cap and gown and diploma are mine! Mostly I just want to say congradulations to every kid in the world who is walking up to that podium and grabbing ahold of that diploma. It wont be the last one you earn. And to all those who never walked that walk. Congradulations to you to. Learning from life is not easy which ever way you go about it.
Victoria you are so right. Life IS simply good! ( HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!!!!)
God bless us all, each and every one.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Don't know why I have that feeling. Fate has a way of getting its way......
Ech, and urg.
Talked to Derek today, he was driving by Salt Lake, telling me how beatiful it was. And that he was thinking of moving there. I have been there it is gorgeous. I don't think I want to be moving there though. He is always changing his mind on where he wants to live and what he wants to do for a career. I wish I felt his freedom to just go for what I wanted.
I don't know when I got like this. Hmmm yes I do. I remeber when I gave up.
It was when I realized I was fat. Suddenly I no longer felt like the world was my oyster.
Lost was that urge to wander, Gone was the feeling of going with my inspirations. Out walked my self esteem and self worth. That, I'm to sexy for these clothes frame of mind flew right out the window. The KNOWLEDGE that I could have any man I wanted as long as I told him I wanted him....Poof....up in smoke.
So now I sit here, with all these dreams. Letting them and myself sit idly as the man of my dreams wanders further and further out of reach. As the goals I had for myself get pushed back further and further on that way way back burner.You know the one. The one that calls to you like a long lost friend from over seas.Out of reach yet still tugging on your after thoughts.
Something needs to change. Something needs to get better. Something needs to be altered here. Guess what that something is..no really go ahead. Guess............
Its me, I need to change. I need to do all those things that I have been running my mouth about for the last ten freakin years. I need to change, get better and alter myself.
Not just losing weight, I need to sign up for some kind of excersie class, I need to sign up for some kind of class I can learning something new in. And I need to go on an adventure.Not out into the world. But into the depths that are my heart, mind, and soul.
I am not saying that I don't know myself. Cuz I do. I have a feeling that there are things I don't know though, things that have changed that I have ignored or abandoned or silenced. No more. Not ever again. I am tired of being the way I am. And the only way to make it different is to change it and make it right. So for starters as of today, as of this moment, the first thing I am going to do is go on a live right. I hate the word diet. It just doesn't sound right. I have done this before, like a million times. However I wasn't really ready then. I really didn't mind that I was a fat . It really doesn't bother me now. Except that it does. It is very hard to explain that. Mostly I just want to be healthy. Thats why I quit smoking is it not! I want to live a different way. No I don't want to be a vegetarian. No I don't want to be a health nut and only eat soy and seaweed. Although I have heard that those things are very good for you, I don't care much for either one.
I want to have a healthy heart and be a healthy weight. I want to be able to run again.
When I was young I loved to run long distances. LOVED IT!!! It was like meditation to me. I want to do that again. I want to run and run and run. That means alot of hard work coming my way. Not just not smoking anymore. I need to be able to run. I really can't right now. Seriously.. its very sad,it makes me cry. How did I let myself get like this.
I can't blame it on having kids, My god Lynn is almost nine years old. I can't blame it on being depressed. I can't blame it on any thing, or any one. But me... and like I said its not just the weight thing, there is so much more to the issue I am speaking of. I have got to make changes for me. I have to live this life for me. I can't always be so concerned about my kids that I have no concern for myself. What am I thinking.How is that healthy?
More later I need to think more on this. For the moment I am going to wander around blogville......
Monday, June 13, 2005
I feel cloudy,no foggy, hmm maybe smothered is the word I am looking for.
I have a strange sense of foreboding, maybe it is because I just read my sisters blog and I know what hell her neighbors have been putting her through and I have been waiting for her to explode.
Maybe it is because I talked to Derek last night and he was in Vegas spending his money on gambling. I think he is becoming addicted.
Maybe I am just in a slump. I never heard anything back about that job. I really wanted that job too. So I have been looking for a different one, I need training of some kind. I only know how to do a few things and I don't have enough experience in others etc etc. It's just a bit depressing. I am sure that something will come up when ever it is supposed to. Just as long as I keep my eyes open and my ears perked so I don't miss the opportunity when it comes along. Basically I need to find a job where a company or small business would be willing to train me to do there office stuff. I can no longer be a caregiver. I can't bend, stoop, or pick up heavy items. And I cannot sit or stand all day long. I have to be able to move around at will basically. I figure an active desk job where I am sitting at times and standing or walking around at times would be just right. Don't know where to go to do that though. I have some office skills, great customer service skills, and I am organized. I learn very fast as long as it is hands on. Otherwise it takes me a bit longer.But I will still catch on fairly quickly. I am also pretty good at figuring things out for myself. I need help finding a job I can do!!!!
Other then that things are kinda slow around here. Bitch in boots came to get some more of her stuff today and we talked a bit. She has a beautiful new puppy! Pure pitt! Lovely beastie, absolutely lovely.
The cable guy came today to set me up with comcast for my puter!!!! YAY!!!! I am getting places so much more quickly now!Bye bye house phone!
Derek should be here in a few days if they don't send him elsewhere.
His nephew is graduating highschool this week!!! YAY CODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This boy, excuse me, young man , is very intelligent and has got his shit together!
Talked to one of the J's dad yesterday. Poor Jack, he is angry with his son too.
I guess J ran out pretty much on his last wife and their two children to go do whatever with who ever he is with now.
Talked to the other J's sister, she is frustrated that she hasn't heard from J but she is convinced that he will call sometime in the future and that he is just trying to work things out for himself.I don't know I think K is giving J too much credit. A real man would be able to work things out without abandoning his children.
In my opinion anyway.
I guess my "Feelers" are just hurt that he hasn't called or anything to talk to his kids.
Lots of interesting debates going on out there in blogville. Lots of wonderous events too. Some interesting facts have been learned. Dramas have been played out. Diseases have been given names (luv ya A.V.)Silver linings have been found. Children have come home. And connections have been made.
I don't know what I would do without all of you!!
I hope everyone has a fabulous day.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
JMD: I will begin with Amanda. JSY you can skip this part as you where the one who was there when she was a baby.JMD, these are the things you missed.Pan discovering her fingers and toes. Pan realizing she could make mommy look (apparently) funny when she pretended to choke on something. She would laugh and laugh when playing this game and I would panick every time.
Until the day came when I thought she was playing and she wasn't and she turned blue. She never played that game again. I am pretty sure its because she didn't like my fingers down her throat while I hung her up upside down by her ankles.. You have also missed her first word (Vicki), first day of preschool,every single birthday she has ever had, every single holiday she has ever celebrated, graduation from grade school, awards ceremonies at Campfire, her first swimming lesson,the look on her face when she played her guitar for the first time. The sheer joy she eminated when singing a song she wrote while playing her guitar. Lets see, choir concerts,roasted marchmallows, her first taste of lemon. You have missed her melodic, contagious laugh, her tears of joy and sorrow. The way she hugs with her entire being. This child is funny and loving and creative and intelligent. She is absolutely beautiful! She loves to dance and sing and talk about her self and her boyfriend. You have missed out on reading to her, teaching her, hugging her, and knowing her. You have missed out on sharing her joys and her sorrows, her laughter and her tears, her troubles and her triumphs, The little moments that add up to 14 years. Just think J, in less then 4 years she'll be looking you up and asking you why you weren't here.
JSY: You haven't always been around. you have missed much more then you think you have, the last 4 and a half months included. You don't seem to realize how much all 3 of the girls love you. need you and want you in their lives, Lynn keeps asking about you . I am running out of excuses to tell her. She can't believe you haven't even called. Sierra asked me if she was ever going to see you again. I didn't know what to tell her. I kinda mumbled something about you being ill and that you had alot of stuff going on and let it drop there. I don't want to lie to the kids, but didn't know what would be a lie. This is what you are missing. The pain, the confusion, the anger the girls have about and towards you. You are missing all the experiences they are having. Amanda, Sierra, and Lynndsey are amazing and wonderful and they are yours and you are missing out on some of the most important moments in their lives! I don't know how either one of you can look in the mirror, knowing that you have children out there who would love to know you. A day will come when these kids are going to look you in the eye and want answers as to where you were, what you were doing, and why weren't they important to you. You don't need to worry about them, not that you do. The girls are growing up just fine, they have learned to never depend on any man for anything and that is a great thing for them to know. They have learned that they can take care of them selves. They have learned that women don't need men in their lives to be happy and healthy. So thankyou for helping me with that at least. The best way to learn is by example right. Wouldn't it have been better for them to hear it from their daddy though. To know that no matter what they would always be loved and accepted by the men who brought them into this world. I just hope that you both will be inspired to pick up that damn phone and give your kids the one thing they want the most. A fathers love.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Jerzee, I just got this contraption working so it may take me until later tonight to get the blinkies fixed on your blog. First I have to figure out what you did to them!LOL. I love ya girl, ya know I do!!!!!!
I have been thinking lately(can you see the smoke?). Actually it started with a dream I had. I was in Australia, out in the outback somewhere, Living with an aborigine tribe. I was teaching them about God, and they where teaching me about there beliefs(which were beautiful). Anyway, I dreamt that I was there for a year with my kids. Learned all kinds of amazing and beautiful lessons about life. And came back with a young man (15) who wanted to come to America to go to school to be a Doctor. Anyhow, that got me thinking. Do they need people to go to Australia. I thought they were pretty up on religions over there. But wouldn't be cool to do missionary work somewhere! Just think of all the stuff you would learn. Not just about another culture, but about llfe!
Now I want to check into that. Maybe at least donate to a church who is sending people out to missions.
I realized last night when I couldn't be online, that I was okay. I don't HAVE to be online to feel that all is well in the world. I sure did want to post though. And I sure missed reading everyones blogs. I need to go run off and do that now. I didn't like being cut off against my will! It was different when I went to the cabin, I made the choice to turn the computer off. Does that mean I am addicted, or that I have no life????
I still do all the things I am supposed to do. I still do all the things I want to do.
My house is clean the kids are fed, homework is done.We go and do things.
I don't think I am addicted. I am not leaving out the possiblity though...
Heh heh, I gotta go read and visit... Love ya all I really do:)
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I didn't visit around blogville today either, because I didn't want to be nasty to anyone, thats the mood I am in see. I am better off keeping to myself today and catching up with everyone tomarrow. I have missed it though, maybe I will just go lurk and read and just not leave any comments.....
Feeling hissy today.Got alot to bitch about, not gonna do it now. Still writing the letter to the dead beats. For something to read go to S.S.S. the link is on the sidebar. After I write this hear at photobucket I will edit it at blogger and put the link HERE. Have a good day all. Sorry I am cranky. grumpy, persnickity, and salty.Thankyou for all the wonderful comments on my last post. I needed that. Especially the good cajun juju thanks se7en.I gotta go to bed now.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
I can't drive my car around with bad tabs. I can't call anyone without a phone. I won't get far without gas now will I. Gotta have laundry soap, dish soap, shampoo, razors, tp. Eeeek gads. 315.00$ every two weeks does not go very far does it. I really hope that I get a call tomarrow to come in for testing for that job. I am going to be job hunting and paying bills all day tomarrow. I did spend a bit of money to get my other gecko car seat cover. So now the front seats are both covered. I looked for the steering wheel cover but neither Wal*Mart or Shucks had them. I want it all. Then I saw the cutest dragonfly set at Wal*Mart. Everything even the seat belt cover things and the garbage bags. I am a stubborn cuss though and I want GECKOS!
Anyway, I found an adorable froggy piggy bank at Wal*Mart too. So of course I had to get that. Hey I am not smoking anymore, I need to give myself some kind of reward right. Right?
The kids had fun shopping with me. I love taking them to the store. They where a little louder and more rambunctious then usual but we had fun.
We saw one poor unfortunate gal who was dealing with a SCREAMING 4 or 5 year old, her infant was getting upset by it, and her 8 or 9 year old kept trying to run off. She looked so desperate for a little peace and quiet. I just wanted to hug her and tell her to walk away for a few minutes I would stay right there in that spot and she could just get a breath of fresh air.
I didn't do it though. Many reasons I suppose. One I didn't know her. Two she may have thought I was a kidnapper or something, because, one I didn't know her. Three, I didn't know for sure that she would come back. I think that was the biggest one right there! I did feel awfully bad for her though. Lady wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are in my prayers.
I have decided to write a letter to my childrens fathers. I am going to post it on line and then I am going to email both of them with the url. I am hopeing that the kids might then hear something from their sperm donors.
I know thats not a nice way to refer to them. Thats the way I see it though.
They gave what they had and walked away. The girls miss their dad and Pan wants to know her father. Don't you think they should get to do that.
okay I gotta go write that now. My back is killing me so I took some vicodin. Another med I am allergic to. Only less then codeine. So far its been allright, I am just a little itchy. My doctor prescribed ms contin and ativan. But L& I is lame and they won't pay for my prescriptions. I had to call and deal with that today too. Hopefully my case manager will have that figured out shortly too.
Everyone have a marvelous day and don't forget to stop by S.S. S. I put up another post. It's short but I think you will like it. T I hope you feel better today. D you too. Derek I miss you!! Hi Cam I hope you feel better too.
Sheesh everyone I know is sick. Speaking of which. Everyone please stop by Jerzee's sight she is having a bad time and has sun poisoning to boot.Wish her better!!!!!
I found a bunch of things actually. I am still trying to find a pic of the Crann Bethadh that I can save and then bring here to my blog to share it.
I got a kitchen table and chairs from my mom today. Its in my living room serving dual purposes for the moment. I need to find a couch so that Derek has a place to sleep other then his semi the next time he is here. He got cold last time and had to turn his truck on.
I miss him. I have talked to him twice today and three times yesterday after he left.
Going to Wal*Mart!!! I have actual shopping to do!
Monday, June 06, 2005
Being a SINGLE mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging, and lonely, experiences known to women. As I am sure being a SINGLE dad is.
As a single mom I have just one bitch about it. I HATE NOT GETTING CHILD SUPPORT.
Neither of my ex husbands pay child support. Neither of them see the kids, they both have the right to do so, and the capability, whenever they want. Neither of them even write letters to the kids. Thats not the part that bothers me. If you don't want your kid, fine. Your choice. But the least you could do is send some fucking money.It would be great to not have to worry about how to get the kids shoes whenever they need them. To not have to worry about how I am going to get the gas to take kids to the dentist, or doctor, or optician. It isn't easy to be a parent when there are two people to do the job. It isn't any easier to be a single mom. Being the only responsible parent sometimes sucks. I am fortunate that I have a loving extended family. The only reason my kids don't have to go without, is because of the support I get from people who aren't responsible for my children. I have been on welfare. I admit it. It was there when I needed it. I am still receiving food stamps. Thats the only way I would have enough money to pay my rent. I don't have to spend the money I do get, on food. The kids have medical through the state. My mom's have been known to help with getting the kids school clothes, backpacks, and shoes.
My dad is always willing to come with his truck if I find something for free in the paper. Like now I am looking for a couch and other living room furniture. My sister and I have brought food to eachothers houses too numerous of times to count. Dave (sisters fiance) has loaned and given me money. Derek has given me money. ( I miss him he just left this morning).
Other friends and family have given and or traded clothes,furniture, kitchen stuff, etc.
I dont' know what life would be like for my kids if we didn't have all these people in our lives that care about us. I can't imagine being a single mom without some kind of support network.
As it is, being the only one responsible for paying bills, getting groceries, making appointments , and getting kids to bathe, and do homework can be very overwhelming sometimes. There are days, when all I want to do is scream out of frustration. There are days, when all I want to do is cry from loneliness and despair. There are days ,I just want to walk away without turning back.
Without fail, on those dark days, those, this is not my life days, one of the girls will do or say something that snaps me back. Takes me on a different path. One of them will come up and hug me just because ( ya gotta love that) or one will say something nice to her sister ( doesn't happen often believe me). Or I will notice that they are all sitting and watching tv together, I will hear them laugh about something funny they saw and then listen while they discuss it amongst themselves. I can't explain what that does to my brain. The effect that has on my heart. The song it coaxes gently from my soul. Those terrible days, just when I am ready to walk out the door, all I have to do is look, and I see why I could never, ever leave. I see why I fought so hard to get them back when their dad kidnapped them. I see why I didn't sleep for a month while they where gone god knows where.
I see why I could never ,ever, ever give up on any of them no matter what they do. I see what a gift god gave me and it brings me to my knees.(THANKYOU GOD!!!!) Being a single mom may be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.But I wouldn't want to do anything else.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
2) Given to sleeping as much as I want.
3) A bad mom.
4) Amused by stupid jokes.
5) Prone to oldtimers moments.
10) Amazed by my kids
11) Astonished by the things I hear, read, or see.
12) Overcome with Love
13) Seen crying.
14) A loner
17) A stranger to myself
18) Overwhelmed with emotion
24) Not sorry
25) Wanna be shopper, I go to wal*mart and fill up a cart or two with everything I want, act like I got distracted, and leave the cart in the isle. ( I know, I know, But it is VERY theraputic)
34) Hyper aware
35) Dirty minded (okay this is most of the time)
36) a stickler when it comes to cleaning
40) Not Home....
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Friday, June 03, 2005
Talked to Derek yesterday and he was in California, on his way to Yakima Washington, he will probably be headed this way after that!!!
I sooo love this man he is my best friend in the entire world!!!!! I can't wait to see him again:)
As most of you know my sister T has published her blog!!!! YAY T!!!!!
She has not smoked in three + weeks!!!!!! YAY again!!!!
It has been two weeks and two days for me, No cravings and when I smell cigarette smoke I- want- to- gag. I went out last night for a while with my folks and some family friends, we went to a tavern...blech..on the way home I got a wiff of my hair...blech again, I had to take a shower when I got home to get the smell off me. It was N.A.S.T.Y.
Today T and my D -Mom came over and we had pizza for lunch. T brought me a Mt. Dew. God I LOVE my sister:)
Then we went shopping at GOODWILL( I freeking love that place).
I ran into an old friend that I haven't seen in years and found out that she is living with another friend that I haven't seen in years!
So got their numbers and we are going to get together sometime next week to catch up on old times...Awesome..( to borrow a line from ol'hoss)
"I always vote" for old friends I haven't seen in years.
Didn't buy anything at GOODWILL, but I did see a froggie piggy bank that I would like. It made me laugh, those are always the best chotchkies, the ones that give you a giggle when ever your eye happens to catch them. Been wandering around the internet now for a bit, collecting blinkies, I am seriously addicted to then now. I am on the hunt for a princess blinkie to put on my sisters blog. Since she is THEE Princess!!!( royalty runs in this family).
I haven't been reading blogs today, I really must run off and do that.
I have to add a few blinkies and an avatar to T's blog first though. I am having so much fun with this!!!!!!! I am also going to spice up S.S.S. tonight or tomarrow morning, along with posting there again. It has been awhile and I have a little storie running through my mind, or would that be screwing around in my mind...( haa haa haa) I crack myself up sometimes!!! Okay everyone have a wondiferous, beautimus evening !!!!!!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
I have found so much cute stuff!!!!!
Not to mention a blinkie for just about everybody so far. Just a little more looking and I bet I can find one that fits for all my links!!!!! I love BLINKIES!!!! Next challenge. Learn how to MAKE blinkies all the blinkies at the bottom of the list of blinkies are the names of the blinkie sites I got the blinkies from. There are so many!!!! If anyones interested that is....
I know , I know, babble babble. I need to go visiting........tata (walks over to first neighbor , seeing as she is having trouble with her knee.)
I have free time to catch a few zzzz's. Chatted with a friend last night(hi cam!!).
He reads but doesn't want a blog himself. Thats okay, I just like that he's interested enough in me to read my blog!!!!!!(smooshes).This is where not going to Mississippi is working out for me after all.... Got a new car, better then the old one, don't have to move after all because of the situation with the buyer, its gonna take awhile because he's a developer. Might be getting a VERY good job(cross fingers, send up prayer).
I am still definately moving out of this town though. I don't want Amanda to have to go to school here. I think she needs a different environment all together. I am thinking Granite Falls. Very small town, smaller schools, the highschool is tiny!! I feel a small place like that would be good for all of us. Just no rinkie dink trailers though. The last time we lived in Granite with friends the trailer had holes in the floor and ceiling, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We only lived their for a month then we moved in with another friend there in the park. His trailer did not have holes!!!! That was a huge relief. Anyway, how did I get so off track..
Not just in this post but in life? WOW, when I look back it surprises me how many times I have moved, how many times I have screwed up and been practically homeless. If I hadn't made those "mistakes" though I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't have met the people I met, and I wouldn't have learned alot of what I now know. It may have been a rollercoaster ride but I am sure glad I went on it. Yes that means things have often been unstable for the kids. But you know what. They had me. Although once Sierra and Lynn had to live with their dad. It was right after he left for another woman. I had no way to pay all of everything and so it was out the door.
That was a fiasco and an entirely different post. Anywho, got the kids back, got a job, got a place, bought a car, got new furniture, all within two months. Love those girls!!! Can't and won't live without them. Where am I going with this??? Whoa am I tired.
Oh yeah.. so I will be looking in GF for a place but not for a few months yet. I don't plan on moving until August. Right before school starts. That way I can save up the money I earn at this job I am going to get( I know I will , I know I will, I know I will).
I just keep telling myself that everything will work out and everything will be okay. And so far that has worked pretty dern well.
WEll I am just rambling on about everything and nothing at all. I think I will go see what everyone else is up to today before I leave off out of here. Then its nap time. And everyone please stop by this OCEAN LOVERS site. He and his wife lost a dearly loved pet. Send them some cyber hugs please. Everyone have a splendiferous day!!!!!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I have fallen in love with blinkies and signs and such!!!!! I love THEM!!!!
Not much to talk about today, applied for some jobs yesterday and had phone interviews today. That was very cool, all desk jobs so I won't hurt my back again. I think I may have a good chance at a few of them!!! Wish me luck please, I need a little bit of that right now:)
I hope you all had a good day, mine was very good, I was online almost all day long though tweaking this and that, applying for more jobs and reading blogs..
Not much going on now. I think we are going to the cabin again this weekend. I am going out with my folks and a group of family friends tomarrow night. I can't wait, It's been awhile since I left the house without kids in tow. It will be a nice get away where I am not also grocerie shopping or paying bills..
Got cable in today, that's been nice. I missed watching channels other then thirteen!!!!
Well I am going to go see if there are blinkies I can make, or blinkies I can add to to make them say what I want them to say.. I have no idea since I just discovered these wonderful things thanks again to curly trouble!!!!!!!
Love you all , hope you all have a fantabulous evening:):):):):)
It is sad, when something you once loved so much ,breaks.
It is sadder still when a friendship ( in this case two) that has been dear to your heart suddenly goes sour. When friends that you have had for long periods of time go bad like over ripe fruit. When you have to therefore throw away something that once meant the world to you.
I have done that today. So this is a dear John letter of sorts.
So hear it goes.
Dearest Veronica ( aka) snowvhite)
I am sorry that you feel the need to lie about what happend, I am sorry that you felt the need to come to my blog and talk smak about me. I know that it made you angry when my dad made you leave, I know you kissed my ass while you where waiting to make sure you did indeed have everything you wanted from this house. I know you think I am wrong for feeling betrayed by you and Jen.
There is no reason to come here and lie out right to me. I know the truth. And so do you. When Jen screws you the way you screwed me I cannot be here for you.
I just can't do it again. I wish that I could say differently, I wish that I could be the better person. I can't. My bad. You'll get over it.
I will continue to love and care about you from a distance. I hope that you will see the light someday and come to regret what you have done smiling all the while. Not because something bad happens to you, but just because you realize that what you did was wrong. I wish you the best in life. Now please just go on your merry way and leave me to live mine.
It really hurts to say goodbye. Sometimes it is all you can do.