Tuesday, June 14, 2005


I have a feeling that I am going to be heart broken very soon.
Don't know why I have that feeling. Fate has a way of getting its way......
Ech, and urg.
Talked to Derek today, he was driving by Salt Lake, telling me how beatiful it was. And that he was thinking of moving there. I have been there it is gorgeous. I don't think I want to be moving there though. He is always changing his mind on where he wants to live and what he wants to do for a career. I wish I felt his freedom to just go for what I wanted.
I don't know when I got like this. Hmmm yes I do. I remeber when I gave up.
It was when I realized I was fat. Suddenly I no longer felt like the world was my oyster.
Lost was that urge to wander, Gone was the feeling of going with my inspirations. Out walked my self esteem and self worth. That, I'm to sexy for these clothes frame of mind flew right out the window. The KNOWLEDGE that I could have any man I wanted as long as I told him I wanted him....Poof....up in smoke.
So now I sit here, with all these dreams. Letting them and myself sit idly as the man of my dreams wanders further and further out of reach. As the goals I had for myself get pushed back further and further on that way way back burner.You know the one. The one that calls to you like a long lost friend from over seas.Out of reach yet still tugging on your after thoughts.
Something needs to change. Something needs to get better. Something needs to be altered here. Guess what that something is..no really go ahead. Guess............
Its me, I need to change. I need to do all those things that I have been running my mouth about for the last ten freakin years. I need to change, get better and alter myself.
Not just losing weight, I need to sign up for some kind of excersie class, I need to sign up for some kind of class I can learning something new in. And I need to go on an adventure.Not out into the world. But into the depths that are my heart, mind, and soul.
I am not saying that I don't know myself. Cuz I do. I have a feeling that there are things I don't know though, things that have changed that I have ignored or abandoned or silenced. No more. Not ever again. I am tired of being the way I am. And the only way to make it different is to change it and make it right. So for starters as of today, as of this moment, the first thing I am going to do is go on a live right. I hate the word diet. It just doesn't sound right. I have done this before, like a million times. However I wasn't really ready then. I really didn't mind that I was a fat . It really doesn't bother me now. Except that it does. It is very hard to explain that. Mostly I just want to be healthy. Thats why I quit smoking is it not! I want to live a different way. No I don't want to be a vegetarian. No I don't want to be a health nut and only eat soy and seaweed. Although I have heard that those things are very good for you, I don't care much for either one.
I want to have a healthy heart and be a healthy weight. I want to be able to run again.
When I was young I loved to run long distances. LOVED IT!!! It was like meditation to me. I want to do that again. I want to run and run and run. That means alot of hard work coming my way. Not just not smoking anymore. I need to be able to run. I really can't right now. Seriously.. its very sad,it makes me cry. How did I let myself get like this.
I can't blame it on having kids, My god Lynn is almost nine years old. I can't blame it on being depressed. I can't blame it on any thing, or any one. But me... and like I said its not just the weight thing, there is so much more to the issue I am speaking of. I have got to make changes for me. I have to live this life for me. I can't always be so concerned about my kids that I have no concern for myself. What am I thinking.How is that healthy?
More later I need to think more on this. For the moment I am going to wander around blogville......

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