Sitting here at my sisters house I have a lot of time to think.
This morning I woke up wondering what I would want my girls to know if something happend to me. What if any? Important tidbits can I give them to make life easier, or funner?
What would I want them to know from me and not from some other chick?
Well there is the obvious. I want them to know how much I love them. They already know this.
I want them to know that I care more about them then myself. That their wellbeing comes before mine. This I think they know....
But there are other things mothers tell and teach their daughters.
How to be strong and independant and never rely on anyone. ANYONE but yourself.
How to cook and clean and sew and wash clothes and pay bills.
How to do all of that and work and take care of kids and look great doing it.
Unfortunatley I don't think my kids saw too much of that. Looking great thing.
This is what I hope I showed them. This is what I hope they know. This is what I would want them to read if something happend to me.
1) Never ever let a man be in control of your life ( or anyone else for that matter)
You are a strong woman. You are also intelligent, if you really love him and he wants to be in control. Just let him " believe" he is and let it go. You'll figure this out for sure. Because almost ALL men want to be in control. Sheesh. What would the world come to.
2) You are a woman, that means that you will wear 250 million different hats. Because you will need to know how to do everything. Everything means. Well everything.
So learn everything you can and pay attention because someday you WILL need to do it.
3) Do NOT doubt yourself. You are STRONG you are WISE you are AWESOME
4) The only people that can hurt you are the ones you allow to do.
5) Sing and Dance in the rain
6) Travel, when you want how you want with who you want, and do not be afraid to embrace people and their cultures on your way through life let alone around the world.
7) LAUGH a lot
8) You really really really can do and get what ever you want. REALLY
9) I BELIEVE IN YOU
10) Some people will always be in your life, others will come and go, some will just blink right through.
11) Chocolate can cure a broken heart....but going out with friends works better.
12) Do NOT be afraid to try new things. Spread your wings my babies and FLY FLY FLY
13) If you let what others say about you get to you. The others win.
14) Some people are just plain asshats..don't let it get to you. its not you specifically that they are experiencing asshattery over. Its just their life sucks and they probably need someone to love them.
15) Some people need to be watched over. BE someones ANGEL
16)Being someones angel does NOT mean that you should let other people take advantage of you. Use your head at all times and not just your heart. Mostly though.....
17) ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
18) DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE OR GET IN A CAR WITH ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN DRINKING...SAME WITH DRUGS
19) You do not need to speed. If you are late so be it. Its better to get to your destination in one piece then to never reach it at all.
20) People are full of advice. Take what you can use and leave the rest behind.
21) Mom is the wisest of all people ever and you should always listen to her or anything she ever said! Number twenty DOES NOT apply to mom!!
1
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thinking
You know when I think about the past, and all the experiences that I have had. Good and bad.
I am surprised that I didn't actually die. There are things that I did when I was a teenager that I never should have done, and if my parents knew that I was doing them they would have died...of heart attacks. When I look back on swinging from a rope into a lake thick with dead trees, cows, and cars....shivers.
When I think about sneaking out at night and roaming around in the woods or down the hill to the freeway over pass and into town. Holy Jebus, do you know what COULD have HAPPEND!
Scary. Blink. Scary.
When I think about the places I rode my horse and the dangerous shit I did. I could just about dig a hole right now.
Now my oldest daughter is at that age of discovery. Not just of the world around her or how she sees it. But how she will actually navigate it. How she will handle the situations that come up. Life Lessons are about to hit hard. And there is nothing I can or really should do to make it easier. Or prevent them from taking place. Of course I pray that she doesn't get mortally wounded. Of course I wish that her heart would not get broken. Of course I hope that she learns.
I did, you did, they did, she will. She is smart, funny, talented, and wise beyond her years, and she has sooooooo much to learn. So much to see and do, touch and feel, hear, and speak. People to meet and places to go. She is off and running full out. It will be a few years before she learns to take it slower and really SEE.
It will be awhile before we can sit down and have a conversation about life.
Until then she just has to do it. I can't wait to hear her stories. I would like to say that I can wait to see her heart broken and see all the paths her life will take. But I can't say that. I don't want her to miss anything, if her heart is never broken and no one ever hurts her feelings or pisses her off she will miss out on something. It will mean she didn't care enough to have that.
Or that someone didn't care enough about her to make it happen.
That would suck. For lack of a better word. It would just plain suck. I want whats best for all my children. And shock, awe, shock, sometimes whats best. Is whats hard, or painful, or just a pain in the ass. I love you Pan. This is the get go of an aweful great adventure!
I am surprised that I didn't actually die. There are things that I did when I was a teenager that I never should have done, and if my parents knew that I was doing them they would have died...of heart attacks. When I look back on swinging from a rope into a lake thick with dead trees, cows, and cars....shivers.
When I think about sneaking out at night and roaming around in the woods or down the hill to the freeway over pass and into town. Holy Jebus, do you know what COULD have HAPPEND!
Scary. Blink. Scary.
When I think about the places I rode my horse and the dangerous shit I did. I could just about dig a hole right now.
Now my oldest daughter is at that age of discovery. Not just of the world around her or how she sees it. But how she will actually navigate it. How she will handle the situations that come up. Life Lessons are about to hit hard. And there is nothing I can or really should do to make it easier. Or prevent them from taking place. Of course I pray that she doesn't get mortally wounded. Of course I wish that her heart would not get broken. Of course I hope that she learns.
I did, you did, they did, she will. She is smart, funny, talented, and wise beyond her years, and she has sooooooo much to learn. So much to see and do, touch and feel, hear, and speak. People to meet and places to go. She is off and running full out. It will be a few years before she learns to take it slower and really SEE.
It will be awhile before we can sit down and have a conversation about life.
Until then she just has to do it. I can't wait to hear her stories. I would like to say that I can wait to see her heart broken and see all the paths her life will take. But I can't say that. I don't want her to miss anything, if her heart is never broken and no one ever hurts her feelings or pisses her off she will miss out on something. It will mean she didn't care enough to have that.
Or that someone didn't care enough about her to make it happen.
That would suck. For lack of a better word. It would just plain suck. I want whats best for all my children. And shock, awe, shock, sometimes whats best. Is whats hard, or painful, or just a pain in the ass. I love you Pan. This is the get go of an aweful great adventure!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
People that taught me something
1) Dottie Hylback: Taught me that love is unconditional and has no excuses.
2) Grandpa, Louis Vaughn Barclay: Taught me that a hug trully can heal. And how to tie a slip knot, gut a fish, train a dog, and to be me.
3) Uncle, Lowell Stauffer: Taught me to be real about my capabilities, I can if I know I can, and I should know that I CAN do anything I put my mind to.
4) Kay Kuhnle: It is possible to meet someone half way and walk away pleased. And to always protect your own ass.
5) Joann Kuhnle: Sometimes just being quiot while someone tells their story is the greatest gift you can give.
6) Shirley Emerson: How to have a green thumb and to be calm.
7) Lief Hylback & Roger Herring: How to dance, really trully dance, without fear, with freedom and light and grace and JOY.
8) My dad Dennis Barclay: How to punch a boy in the nose if he teased you, or kick him in the shin. How to have fun with my kids by being a fun dad, how to dig for clams, fish, crab, the names of everything I saw, and that racing him in Disney Land was the funnest part of being at Disney Land. And lets not forget how to spit and the appropriate time to give someone the finger.
9) My mom Joan Barclay: How to hate tuna casserole but love the person that tortured you with making it! How to be artistic and creative, how to clean a house, and how to laugh even in the scariest moments.
10) Veronica Lee Mitchell Scarr Boehm: Taught me that scary people are often the bestest of friends, the funniest of characters, and the most creative of souls.
11) Jennifer Jo Smith Moon: Taught me that sometimes the best people in your life often start out as what you think are weeds.
12) Katherine Lee Simmons Hurd: Taught me that saying whats on my mind is perfectly alright, and farting in public is hilarious. That sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs like a mad woman is the only course of action at the moment. And it feels FABULOUS!
13) Victoria Ann Barclay Dehnert: Sisters really are best friends even when they don't talk for ages and ever. That Barbie Dolls SUCK but chillin with your little sister doesn't, that even though someone comes running at you with scissors does not mean that they are not afraid of you. Any one who will dig up your cat that has been dead for three days without your prior knowledge so that you can say a proper goodbye is AWESOME.
14)Lymon Grant Hurd: serenity.
15) Amanda Victoria Davis: How to be a mom
17) Sierra Rachelle Yocom: How to be a better mom,patience
18) Lynndsey Nadine Yocom: How to be an even better mom, have more patience and to be creative about punishments fitting the crime.
19) My moo Donna Sterling: That wearing your mothers levi's is never easy but it is always a learning experience and that is awesome!
20)Tannis Marie Chamberlain: I am NOT always right, but I am NOT always wrong either and its okay.
21) Victor Larson: Taught me that I really can write and I really do know the answer to 6 x 8. And that it is easier to believe in yourself when others believe in you.
22) John Derek Clark: Best friends ever come in very strange packages indeed.
23) There is a conglomeration of others who have taught me invaluable lessons and for them I am just as grateful as I am to those named above.
My grandma Barclay taught me that not everything can be healed with homemade snickerdoodles but they sure are good, my Auntie Ann taught me that gods grace is avaible to everyone, my Aunt Babe taught me to not be afraid of water...I bet she doesn't even know that! My friend Tracy Joy Maxwell taught me how to be a good friend by continuing to be one even and especially when I wasn't. I learned so much more from Tracy but thats between us. There are teachers and strangers and preachers in the mix that have shown me, told me, taught me so much. Thank You! Each and every flower in my garden holds the name of someone out there who effected me in some way. Even small. Like my first grade teacher Mrs. Funston who understood that sometimes a kid just has a bad day and it doesn't mean the kid is bad. Like the lady who paid for my court document copies because she knew I needed them and I had no money. Like the people who have stopped on the side of the road when vehicles of mine have broken down and they offered their assistance. What awesomeness this world holds. What phenominal souls inhabit this earth. What amazing things their are to behold. To learn, To be.
I am trully blessed. I trully am.
2) Grandpa, Louis Vaughn Barclay: Taught me that a hug trully can heal. And how to tie a slip knot, gut a fish, train a dog, and to be me.
3) Uncle, Lowell Stauffer: Taught me to be real about my capabilities, I can if I know I can, and I should know that I CAN do anything I put my mind to.
4) Kay Kuhnle: It is possible to meet someone half way and walk away pleased. And to always protect your own ass.
5) Joann Kuhnle: Sometimes just being quiot while someone tells their story is the greatest gift you can give.
6) Shirley Emerson: How to have a green thumb and to be calm.
7) Lief Hylback & Roger Herring: How to dance, really trully dance, without fear, with freedom and light and grace and JOY.
8) My dad Dennis Barclay: How to punch a boy in the nose if he teased you, or kick him in the shin. How to have fun with my kids by being a fun dad, how to dig for clams, fish, crab, the names of everything I saw, and that racing him in Disney Land was the funnest part of being at Disney Land. And lets not forget how to spit and the appropriate time to give someone the finger.
9) My mom Joan Barclay: How to hate tuna casserole but love the person that tortured you with making it! How to be artistic and creative, how to clean a house, and how to laugh even in the scariest moments.
10) Veronica Lee Mitchell Scarr Boehm: Taught me that scary people are often the bestest of friends, the funniest of characters, and the most creative of souls.
11) Jennifer Jo Smith Moon: Taught me that sometimes the best people in your life often start out as what you think are weeds.
12) Katherine Lee Simmons Hurd: Taught me that saying whats on my mind is perfectly alright, and farting in public is hilarious. That sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs like a mad woman is the only course of action at the moment. And it feels FABULOUS!
13) Victoria Ann Barclay Dehnert: Sisters really are best friends even when they don't talk for ages and ever. That Barbie Dolls SUCK but chillin with your little sister doesn't, that even though someone comes running at you with scissors does not mean that they are not afraid of you. Any one who will dig up your cat that has been dead for three days without your prior knowledge so that you can say a proper goodbye is AWESOME.
14)Lymon Grant Hurd: serenity.
15) Amanda Victoria Davis: How to be a mom
17) Sierra Rachelle Yocom: How to be a better mom,patience
18) Lynndsey Nadine Yocom: How to be an even better mom, have more patience and to be creative about punishments fitting the crime.
19) My moo Donna Sterling: That wearing your mothers levi's is never easy but it is always a learning experience and that is awesome!
20)Tannis Marie Chamberlain: I am NOT always right, but I am NOT always wrong either and its okay.
21) Victor Larson: Taught me that I really can write and I really do know the answer to 6 x 8. And that it is easier to believe in yourself when others believe in you.
22) John Derek Clark: Best friends ever come in very strange packages indeed.
23) There is a conglomeration of others who have taught me invaluable lessons and for them I am just as grateful as I am to those named above.
My grandma Barclay taught me that not everything can be healed with homemade snickerdoodles but they sure are good, my Auntie Ann taught me that gods grace is avaible to everyone, my Aunt Babe taught me to not be afraid of water...I bet she doesn't even know that! My friend Tracy Joy Maxwell taught me how to be a good friend by continuing to be one even and especially when I wasn't. I learned so much more from Tracy but thats between us. There are teachers and strangers and preachers in the mix that have shown me, told me, taught me so much. Thank You! Each and every flower in my garden holds the name of someone out there who effected me in some way. Even small. Like my first grade teacher Mrs. Funston who understood that sometimes a kid just has a bad day and it doesn't mean the kid is bad. Like the lady who paid for my court document copies because she knew I needed them and I had no money. Like the people who have stopped on the side of the road when vehicles of mine have broken down and they offered their assistance. What awesomeness this world holds. What phenominal souls inhabit this earth. What amazing things their are to behold. To learn, To be.
I am trully blessed. I trully am.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Not Much
Well there still isn't much going on. I am still here at my sister's house due to a family emergency. I really do want to go home though. My back and hips are really hurting from sleeping on the damn couch. But I am more concerned about my nephew then myself. I just want to go home now that he is okay. Waiting for the weekend and to see if my sister will be okay if I go. Shoot. I hate this kinda shit. I feel bad for whats going on around here though.
All will be well if I go I am sure of that. But she isn't and I know she would rather have me here and know that nothing will happen. But I can't stay forever. I guess its selfish of me to want to go home. But thats the truth and I'm stickin to it. I want to go home and sleep in my room in my bed and watch my tv. And play guitar hero. And hang out with friends. Although being here and visiting has been awesome. Tannis and I went out and played pool on Monday that rocked!
Its just been nice to spend time with people I love and care about,. But I am tired and done now and just well. I want to go home.
All will be well if I go I am sure of that. But she isn't and I know she would rather have me here and know that nothing will happen. But I can't stay forever. I guess its selfish of me to want to go home. But thats the truth and I'm stickin to it. I want to go home and sleep in my room in my bed and watch my tv. And play guitar hero. And hang out with friends. Although being here and visiting has been awesome. Tannis and I went out and played pool on Monday that rocked!
Its just been nice to spend time with people I love and care about,. But I am tired and done now and just well. I want to go home.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thoughts
A lot going on lately. Haven't time to order my thoughts around in my brain let a lone put them anywhere in a journal. I had forgotten how important journaling was to me. How much of a release it is to get stuff out of my head instead of trying to find a place to file it away.
I can't even remember my last entry or when I wrote it.
I am at my sisters house in Lake Stevens right now. There are some pretty serious issues going on with my nephew right now. Leaving him alone is not an option. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. He is going to see a movie tonight with a friend which is awesome. He was so excited all day. It was wonderful to see the light in his eyes again. I miss my bed and my room and my home with a view but I would not trade my nephew in for anything. I am glad to be here for him and for my sister. It does make me miss my kids even more. They are doing so well with their dad though. Bellie actually has A's!! I am so proud of her.!!!! They have friends and a life and I don't want to take that stability away from them. I wish Amanda could come and live with me now that she is out of job chore. Unfortunatley for the moment I am living with roommates and they don't want any more people in the house. They are expecting a baby and things are about to get crazy. I am hoping that my ducks will continue to line up and I can be in a place by summer. But I am not holding my breath and no one else should hold theirs.
I guess I really didn't have much more to say then that. Huh. I thought I would be here typing for hours. Their is so much going on in my head. I guess its just not organized enough to emerge yet.
I can't even remember my last entry or when I wrote it.
I am at my sisters house in Lake Stevens right now. There are some pretty serious issues going on with my nephew right now. Leaving him alone is not an option. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. He is going to see a movie tonight with a friend which is awesome. He was so excited all day. It was wonderful to see the light in his eyes again. I miss my bed and my room and my home with a view but I would not trade my nephew in for anything. I am glad to be here for him and for my sister. It does make me miss my kids even more. They are doing so well with their dad though. Bellie actually has A's!! I am so proud of her.!!!! They have friends and a life and I don't want to take that stability away from them. I wish Amanda could come and live with me now that she is out of job chore. Unfortunatley for the moment I am living with roommates and they don't want any more people in the house. They are expecting a baby and things are about to get crazy. I am hoping that my ducks will continue to line up and I can be in a place by summer. But I am not holding my breath and no one else should hold theirs.
I guess I really didn't have much more to say then that. Huh. I thought I would be here typing for hours. Their is so much going on in my head. I guess its just not organized enough to emerge yet.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Been here
Well I have been here in Anacortes for almost a month and I have been doing some office work for Janet and have taken care of an elderly woman a few times for a friend who lives with her.
I have been keeping busy trying to earn a little bit of money to get a car. Mike and Janet have one for sale for a thousand bucks but its a big POS and I wouldn't pay a hundred for it. So thats out.
The girls are still far away. Pan is still at her grandparents house. She isn't in jobcore anymore. She got her NAC so she got a job then they fired her because she is only 17. Why the hell did they hire then??
Anyway. I guess she go back when she turns 18. I am sure she will have moved on.
She is a smart kid and I have faith in her.
Not much really to write about. Just frustrated and iritated at not being able to see my babies.
I have been keeping busy trying to earn a little bit of money to get a car. Mike and Janet have one for sale for a thousand bucks but its a big POS and I wouldn't pay a hundred for it. So thats out.
The girls are still far away. Pan is still at her grandparents house. She isn't in jobcore anymore. She got her NAC so she got a job then they fired her because she is only 17. Why the hell did they hire then??
Anyway. I guess she go back when she turns 18. I am sure she will have moved on.
She is a smart kid and I have faith in her.
Not much really to write about. Just frustrated and iritated at not being able to see my babies.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Random
I am happy to be going somewhere clean. Longview is just THE Dirtiest town on the face of the planet and I am so very very very glad that I was not raised down here. Or by Donna.
I know what my brother and sister went through and I have said it before. I will say it again.
Thank God for adoption!
Ya. Joan and Denny weren't always the nicest people in the world. But my sister and I were always clean and lived in a clean house and had nice clothes. Some of them home made!
We had good food to eat every night and didn't know what instability was. We went places and did things and I have so many good memories from my childhood.
It was the teen years that kicked my ass. I was never forgiven for them I think.
I am the first to admit how terrible I was. But damn.
This was not what I was intending to write about but I guess I needed to get it out. Again.
I do have many bad memories while growing up. Things weren't peachy peachy. But they weren't as bad as my brain likes to tell me either. Things didn't get REALLY bad until I was an adult as a matter of fact. And because of that I take half the blame if not all of it.
Not that I am the piece of shit Denny likes to tell me that I am. Not because I am worthless.
But because somehow I failed them. Some how I wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever was. Good enough for them. I never did anything for them to be proud of. I didn't do what ever it was that I was supposed to grow up and do. I understand that they had expectations and I didn't meet them.
I refuse how ever to think so lowly of myself.
I am who I am. My life is what it is because I want it this way.
My path is different from theirs. I do not believe that this makes me a bad person.
I wish they saw it differently. I wish I could change to become what they want.. I just think that that is impossible. And why should I anyway?
I know a contradiction. But I love myself just the way I am.
I thought that being a parent meant that you love your children no matter what. Unconditionally.
I know that I love my children no matter what. So what made me so unloveable to the people who adopted me and promised to give me that love?
I do wish I knew exactly what it is about me that pisses them off so much.
I would honestly love to fix the problem. But I cannot change the very soul of me to make them happy either. I am who I am. I am what I am. I am wonderful. I know I have my faults just like everyone else. But I am a divine spark of the Universe and I am amazing. Just the fact that I am here. We are all amazing. Accepting people for who they are and loving them is one of the biggest leasons we have while we are here. Among so very many more.
I love Joan and Denny and I wish them the best in the world. I miss them somedays. And their are moments when I wish I could call them and get their advice. I learned a long time ago I could not do that. Even when they were talking to me. We never had that kind of relationship. They judged me. And I have judged them for that. No one is perfect. Every one is acceptable.
I know what my brother and sister went through and I have said it before. I will say it again.
Thank God for adoption!
Ya. Joan and Denny weren't always the nicest people in the world. But my sister and I were always clean and lived in a clean house and had nice clothes. Some of them home made!
We had good food to eat every night and didn't know what instability was. We went places and did things and I have so many good memories from my childhood.
It was the teen years that kicked my ass. I was never forgiven for them I think.
I am the first to admit how terrible I was. But damn.
This was not what I was intending to write about but I guess I needed to get it out. Again.
I do have many bad memories while growing up. Things weren't peachy peachy. But they weren't as bad as my brain likes to tell me either. Things didn't get REALLY bad until I was an adult as a matter of fact. And because of that I take half the blame if not all of it.
Not that I am the piece of shit Denny likes to tell me that I am. Not because I am worthless.
But because somehow I failed them. Some how I wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever was. Good enough for them. I never did anything for them to be proud of. I didn't do what ever it was that I was supposed to grow up and do. I understand that they had expectations and I didn't meet them.
I refuse how ever to think so lowly of myself.
I am who I am. My life is what it is because I want it this way.
My path is different from theirs. I do not believe that this makes me a bad person.
I wish they saw it differently. I wish I could change to become what they want.. I just think that that is impossible. And why should I anyway?
I know a contradiction. But I love myself just the way I am.
I thought that being a parent meant that you love your children no matter what. Unconditionally.
I know that I love my children no matter what. So what made me so unloveable to the people who adopted me and promised to give me that love?
I do wish I knew exactly what it is about me that pisses them off so much.
I would honestly love to fix the problem. But I cannot change the very soul of me to make them happy either. I am who I am. I am what I am. I am wonderful. I know I have my faults just like everyone else. But I am a divine spark of the Universe and I am amazing. Just the fact that I am here. We are all amazing. Accepting people for who they are and loving them is one of the biggest leasons we have while we are here. Among so very many more.
I love Joan and Denny and I wish them the best in the world. I miss them somedays. And their are moments when I wish I could call them and get their advice. I learned a long time ago I could not do that. Even when they were talking to me. We never had that kind of relationship. They judged me. And I have judged them for that. No one is perfect. Every one is acceptable.
Monday, September 22, 2008
One last move
Kaite called me and I am definatley moving back to Anacortes.
She is coming down here to Longview to get me this weekend. I am so excited.
I will have my own room again. Ahhh privacy! And I will be buying their little truck from them instead of the rig I was going to buy down here. I think I am most excited about having an actual room and a bed again. Having a kitchen I can cook in. A bathroom and washer and dryer I don't have to feel awkward about using. Its so nice. And Most Most most exciting of all is that I can finally have Pan come and visit me and her boyfriend can come along to if he really wants to.
I am hoping for a mother daughter weekend before the boyfriend thing happens though.
Haven't gotten to really hang out with Pan for a few months now. I am going through withdrawals. I need some time with my oldest.
G and K's baby is due in December so I will be able to be in the room for this one too. Kayla is excited that I am coming back. Even though she wants to steal the room that is going to be mine.
She doesn't even sleep in her bed! She is a couch kid. Too funny, Guess you would have to know the kid to know why its amusing. Just trust me. It is.
Derek should be coming this way sometime in the next week or two also. We are all looking forward to that.
Hello to any who are reading this.
She is coming down here to Longview to get me this weekend. I am so excited.
I will have my own room again. Ahhh privacy! And I will be buying their little truck from them instead of the rig I was going to buy down here. I think I am most excited about having an actual room and a bed again. Having a kitchen I can cook in. A bathroom and washer and dryer I don't have to feel awkward about using. Its so nice. And Most Most most exciting of all is that I can finally have Pan come and visit me and her boyfriend can come along to if he really wants to.
I am hoping for a mother daughter weekend before the boyfriend thing happens though.
Haven't gotten to really hang out with Pan for a few months now. I am going through withdrawals. I need some time with my oldest.
G and K's baby is due in December so I will be able to be in the room for this one too. Kayla is excited that I am coming back. Even though she wants to steal the room that is going to be mine.
She doesn't even sleep in her bed! She is a couch kid. Too funny, Guess you would have to know the kid to know why its amusing. Just trust me. It is.
Derek should be coming this way sometime in the next week or two also. We are all looking forward to that.
Hello to any who are reading this.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
meanderings
Well I actually don't know what it is that I want to say. I just know that there is a lot on my mind.
I miss my kids. I miss my ex-husband. I miss my best friends. They are all really far away.
Anacortes, Nampa, Knoxville, and on the road.
I miss waking up every day with my kids and being around while they are getting ready for school. I miss hugging and kissing them every morning before they leave for the day and telling them " I love you! Have a great day at school!"
I miss the quiet moments I had at home while they were away. I did my thing. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, maybe going grocery shopping. Figuring out what dinner would be.
I miss the noise and chaios that would ensue upon their arrival home. The sound of the bus coming down the road always made me so happy.
Now I see a school bus and it makes me sad. I want to be with my girls everyday. I already know what the empty nest syndrome is all about. I have it in spades.
And I don't even have a nest.
Its very depressing.
I know however that my babies are all happy and healthy and enjoying their days.
At least I hope they enjoy their days.
I pray for their happiness and their health.
I may not be a hands on mom anymore. But I am still their mom.
My duty to be a parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father and that the oldest is in job chore. My priveledge of being their parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father, or go to jjob chore. The only thing that could diminish my mother hood is my allowing it to happen. And it won't.
I am their mom.
I gave birth to them. No one else.
I changed their diapers, burped them and fed them and bathed them.
I kissed their boo boo's and read the bedtime stories or sang them lullabyes.
I helped them with their homework and taught them right from wrong.
I did their laundry and cleaned up their messes and made their beds and took them to the park and the beach and made sure they got to school for the first half of their lives.
I have not been in a position to be able to do these things.
Their father has.
THANK GOD.
I miss my girls. I miss them so much. But I thank GOD and GODDESS every day that their father is their. That their grandparents are their. That they know they can count on the people in their lives to make the best decisions for them. I am glad that my girls know that I love them so much that I can't imagine having them bouncing around with me. Regardless of what other people think about it.
I am their MOM. I love them and I miss them and I just want to hug them.
Today is a lonely day indeed.
I miss my kids. I miss my ex-husband. I miss my best friends. They are all really far away.
Anacortes, Nampa, Knoxville, and on the road.
I miss waking up every day with my kids and being around while they are getting ready for school. I miss hugging and kissing them every morning before they leave for the day and telling them " I love you! Have a great day at school!"
I miss the quiet moments I had at home while they were away. I did my thing. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, maybe going grocery shopping. Figuring out what dinner would be.
I miss the noise and chaios that would ensue upon their arrival home. The sound of the bus coming down the road always made me so happy.
Now I see a school bus and it makes me sad. I want to be with my girls everyday. I already know what the empty nest syndrome is all about. I have it in spades.
And I don't even have a nest.
Its very depressing.
I know however that my babies are all happy and healthy and enjoying their days.
At least I hope they enjoy their days.
I pray for their happiness and their health.
I may not be a hands on mom anymore. But I am still their mom.
My duty to be a parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father and that the oldest is in job chore. My priveledge of being their parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father, or go to jjob chore. The only thing that could diminish my mother hood is my allowing it to happen. And it won't.
I am their mom.
I gave birth to them. No one else.
I changed their diapers, burped them and fed them and bathed them.
I kissed their boo boo's and read the bedtime stories or sang them lullabyes.
I helped them with their homework and taught them right from wrong.
I did their laundry and cleaned up their messes and made their beds and took them to the park and the beach and made sure they got to school for the first half of their lives.
I have not been in a position to be able to do these things.
Their father has.
THANK GOD.
I miss my girls. I miss them so much. But I thank GOD and GODDESS every day that their father is their. That their grandparents are their. That they know they can count on the people in their lives to make the best decisions for them. I am glad that my girls know that I love them so much that I can't imagine having them bouncing around with me. Regardless of what other people think about it.
I am their MOM. I love them and I miss them and I just want to hug them.
Today is a lonely day indeed.
Friday, July 25, 2008
My life
Is simply put.
All about this :
For my beautiful babies.
I miss you all so very much.
Pan you have become such an incredible young lady. I am so very very proud of you. ( don't tell your sisters..your my favorite kid!)
Sierra your art takes my breath away. I am so very very proud of you.(Don't tell your sisters your my favorite kid!)
Lynndsey. You are becoming quite the athlete and your goal to become a vetrinarian is awesome! I am so very very proud of you.( don't tell your sisters, you are my favorite kid!)
I am so blessed to be the mother of three fantastic, amazing, creative, funny, loveable, wonderful, beautiful girls.
You are all the best thing I ever did.
I love each of you for who you are. Unconditionally and for eternity,
There will never come a time that I will not be proud of you.
Any decisions you make for your life I will be behind you.
I hope that you will all spread your wings and fly.
Pan go to the Amazon and study anacondas if that is something you really want to do..
Sierra go to Paris to draw, go anywhere the wind blows you for that matter. Do that while you are young before you have kids!
Lynndsey. Become a vetrinarian go to school where ever you think is best no matter how far away it might be.
FLY
When you are older you can put down roots.
You cannot really put down those roots if the desire to fly has never been given into.
You cannot really put down roots when what you really want is to keep flying.
FLY
Then put down those roots when you know you are ready.
Never ever let anyone make you feel that you should not do what you want to do in this life.
Do not allow anyone to tell you how to live your life.
They are not the ones you need to make happy.
No one can make you happy but you.
No one can complete you. You ARE complete.
You are loved.
You are wonderful
You are beautiful.
And you are worth EVERYTHING.
All about this :
For my beautiful babies.
I miss you all so very much.
Pan you have become such an incredible young lady. I am so very very proud of you. ( don't tell your sisters..your my favorite kid!)
Sierra your art takes my breath away. I am so very very proud of you.(Don't tell your sisters your my favorite kid!)
Lynndsey. You are becoming quite the athlete and your goal to become a vetrinarian is awesome! I am so very very proud of you.( don't tell your sisters, you are my favorite kid!)
I am so blessed to be the mother of three fantastic, amazing, creative, funny, loveable, wonderful, beautiful girls.
You are all the best thing I ever did.
I love each of you for who you are. Unconditionally and for eternity,
There will never come a time that I will not be proud of you.
Any decisions you make for your life I will be behind you.
I hope that you will all spread your wings and fly.
Pan go to the Amazon and study anacondas if that is something you really want to do..
Sierra go to Paris to draw, go anywhere the wind blows you for that matter. Do that while you are young before you have kids!
Lynndsey. Become a vetrinarian go to school where ever you think is best no matter how far away it might be.
FLY
When you are older you can put down roots.
You cannot really put down those roots if the desire to fly has never been given into.
You cannot really put down roots when what you really want is to keep flying.
FLY
Then put down those roots when you know you are ready.
Never ever let anyone make you feel that you should not do what you want to do in this life.
Do not allow anyone to tell you how to live your life.
They are not the ones you need to make happy.
No one can make you happy but you.
No one can complete you. You ARE complete.
You are loved.
You are wonderful
You are beautiful.
And you are worth EVERYTHING.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wishes do not always come true
Well If dreams always came true or ever came true for me. I would be able to go get my girls. My car however has other plans. ALl I can think is that there must be a reason for this. Maybe we would get in an accident or something or maybe they need to be in Oregon all this summer. Maybe they need to be with their dad and Katie this summer and not me or their sister. I don't know. I just know that that is the way it is working out.
My car needs a heater core. Or maybe just a thermostat. My uncle is going to try the thermostat thing first. And if that doesn't fix the situation then we go to heater core. Only thing is that with my old hoopty the heater core is under the dash. I may have to give up my car if it comes to that. At least I can get the parts for fairly cheap. Its the labor that I can't afford. I don't know if my uncle will do the labor or not. All I know is that I am now going to stay in Long View and try to get a job here. I am tired of trying to get Social Security. I know they take their sweet time so that people will get frustrated and just go to work. And they are going to win in this case. Because I am done. Doctors be damned they aren't paying my bills and helping me survive.I have never been here before. Their is a large hospital in the area so that will be a good place to start looking. I have a lot of experience working in the medical field.I am going to be staying here with my moo for the time being. Not that I want to do that. But she is the only one who seems to want me around right now.
I can understand that other people have their own shit to worry about. I get it. I have been there. I tell you I have learned to never help people with a place to live. EVER AGAIN.The favor is never returned the same way.
My car needs a heater core. Or maybe just a thermostat. My uncle is going to try the thermostat thing first. And if that doesn't fix the situation then we go to heater core. Only thing is that with my old hoopty the heater core is under the dash. I may have to give up my car if it comes to that. At least I can get the parts for fairly cheap. Its the labor that I can't afford. I don't know if my uncle will do the labor or not. All I know is that I am now going to stay in Long View and try to get a job here. I am tired of trying to get Social Security. I know they take their sweet time so that people will get frustrated and just go to work. And they are going to win in this case. Because I am done. Doctors be damned they aren't paying my bills and helping me survive.I have never been here before. Their is a large hospital in the area so that will be a good place to start looking. I have a lot of experience working in the medical field.I am going to be staying here with my moo for the time being. Not that I want to do that. But she is the only one who seems to want me around right now.
I can understand that other people have their own shit to worry about. I get it. I have been there. I tell you I have learned to never help people with a place to live. EVER AGAIN.The favor is never returned the same way.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Hey Hey
Okay well heres the newest news, I have been having one hell of a trip!
On the way to Milton-Freewater my tire blew out as I was bombin down the highway at 70 miles an hour, then I almost got hacked by a murderer guy wanted in Yakima. That was actually pretty cool that he got caught because I saw him!
Then I get to my sisters house out of gas.
Then I take my mom to LongView.
Then I go 40$ that she wanted me to give her for gas for going 15 miles when all I had was a hundred to get 400 miles back to LongView.. Now I am hanging with my mom and we have been having a good time chillin. And I am headed back over to the other side of the mountains to live with a very good friend who just recently discovered my situation. So I will be having a permanent address in Soap Lake. And hopefully an internet connection.
I am hoping to pick up the girls in August. I can't pick them up in the middle of this month like I wanted to because of the wheel situation with my car. I need to have something or other trued.
I can't remember the name of it.
Anyway until that gets fixed no kids are riding in my car.
Well I hope everyone is doing great.
Cowboy Joe it was wonderful to hear from you again!!
Happy Belated Birthday!
On the way to Milton-Freewater my tire blew out as I was bombin down the highway at 70 miles an hour, then I almost got hacked by a murderer guy wanted in Yakima. That was actually pretty cool that he got caught because I saw him!
Then I get to my sisters house out of gas.
Then I take my mom to LongView.
Then I go 40$ that she wanted me to give her for gas for going 15 miles when all I had was a hundred to get 400 miles back to LongView.. Now I am hanging with my mom and we have been having a good time chillin. And I am headed back over to the other side of the mountains to live with a very good friend who just recently discovered my situation. So I will be having a permanent address in Soap Lake. And hopefully an internet connection.
I am hoping to pick up the girls in August. I can't pick them up in the middle of this month like I wanted to because of the wheel situation with my car. I need to have something or other trued.
I can't remember the name of it.
Anyway until that gets fixed no kids are riding in my car.
Well I hope everyone is doing great.
Cowboy Joe it was wonderful to hear from you again!!
Happy Belated Birthday!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Going Home Again
Well I am going home again. One of these days I will learn to just stay in Anacortes. I can't seem to stay away from that place. It is trully my home and I have finally figured out that I don't want to live anywhere else.
Not that I don't like Moses Lake. The people here are awesome. And the area is pretty damn cool. I just don't like it. Its not Anacortes. One of these days I will stop being such a damn gypsy. Well ya right that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I am too into travel and new adventure. I am happy with my life and who I am. I am offloading even more stuff.
I just don't need a bunch of crap hampering my efforts to see the world. Its my oyster after all. I think after I see the girls this summer I will go be a bum in Hawaii. Why not. I will get to see it. Meet some people. And be in paradise! Hang ten for a month and then come back. Or maybe go to Mississippi and visit Derek or maybe somewhere else entirely. Ohhhh FIJI!!!
That would ROCK!
Maybe I can get Jen to go with me. Ah screw it! I will go on my own. At least I know where home is though. Anacortes.
Not that I don't like Moses Lake. The people here are awesome. And the area is pretty damn cool. I just don't like it. Its not Anacortes. One of these days I will stop being such a damn gypsy. Well ya right that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I am too into travel and new adventure. I am happy with my life and who I am. I am offloading even more stuff.
I just don't need a bunch of crap hampering my efforts to see the world. Its my oyster after all. I think after I see the girls this summer I will go be a bum in Hawaii. Why not. I will get to see it. Meet some people. And be in paradise! Hang ten for a month and then come back. Or maybe go to Mississippi and visit Derek or maybe somewhere else entirely. Ohhhh FIJI!!!
That would ROCK!
Maybe I can get Jen to go with me. Ah screw it! I will go on my own. At least I know where home is though. Anacortes.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Moo is coming!!!
My moo is coming to see me and take me to my little throat scope thingy!
I have to be released to someone over 18 who is responsible because I will be unable to drive or really think. I will still be groggy as thank god they knock a person out for this sort of thing.
I don't even know if anyone ever reads this anymore. It doesn't really matter as I write for myself. So that someday I can look back and see what I was doing and how I was feeling and what I was thinking of or about. So I can travel back in time and relive the pleasant things that have gone on in my life and remind myself of the lessons I have learned. Unfortunatley there are big gaps in time where either I had no internet or just wasn't up to writing.
I have that stuff in my head as well as everything I have gotten to write here in this blog. I have many others too. I find it refreshing to write on different levels and for different reasons. Either just to be creavtive or to really vent and not worry that someone I know or may be venting about will read about it. I have done that here and it caused some issues. So this blog is not for that anymore.
Living here in Moses Lake has been interesting so far.
Its definatley a new area to get used to and the weather is something else! Its almost like being in Mississippi!
People would think thats its dry here in Eastern Washington and that is for the most part true. But the fact that the lake is huge and is oddly shaped keeps things fairly humid also.
I actually really like the weather and already have my first sunburn of the summer. It doesn't matter how much sunblock I use. I burn.
So anywho I will have a great tan this summer for my friends Katie and Grants wedding. I am so excited for them. Not only are they finally getting married after almost ten years together, they are expecting their second child in November!
Ah out of time.
I love you my babies.
I have to be released to someone over 18 who is responsible because I will be unable to drive or really think. I will still be groggy as thank god they knock a person out for this sort of thing.
I don't even know if anyone ever reads this anymore. It doesn't really matter as I write for myself. So that someday I can look back and see what I was doing and how I was feeling and what I was thinking of or about. So I can travel back in time and relive the pleasant things that have gone on in my life and remind myself of the lessons I have learned. Unfortunatley there are big gaps in time where either I had no internet or just wasn't up to writing.
I have that stuff in my head as well as everything I have gotten to write here in this blog. I have many others too. I find it refreshing to write on different levels and for different reasons. Either just to be creavtive or to really vent and not worry that someone I know or may be venting about will read about it. I have done that here and it caused some issues. So this blog is not for that anymore.
Living here in Moses Lake has been interesting so far.
Its definatley a new area to get used to and the weather is something else! Its almost like being in Mississippi!
People would think thats its dry here in Eastern Washington and that is for the most part true. But the fact that the lake is huge and is oddly shaped keeps things fairly humid also.
I actually really like the weather and already have my first sunburn of the summer. It doesn't matter how much sunblock I use. I burn.
So anywho I will have a great tan this summer for my friends Katie and Grants wedding. I am so excited for them. Not only are they finally getting married after almost ten years together, they are expecting their second child in November!
Ah out of time.
I love you my babies.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Dear Sierra and Lynndsey
To my babies.
I love you and I miss you so much that sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.
I worry about you even though I know you are in safe hands. I wonder if you are getting to do the things you love to do. No matter what your grades are. Sierra your art is part of who you are. Keep doing it no matter who says what. You CANNOT be grounded from a part of yourself.
Lynndsey you are the bestest sofball player in the world!!
I don't care what anyone says. You do it best!
Its terrible being without you. In my sleep every night I hug you and kiss you til no end.
I remember when I used to read you bedtime stories, Or sing you to sleep. Most of the time it was the only way I could get you to go to sleep at a decent time!
I remember how loud you guys used to be and how I wished you would just be quiet for a moment. No I wish nothing more then to hear you all playing or fighting or laughing and being loud obnoxious children..
My days are lonely without you.
Pan is old enough to be going to job chorp and not needing mom.
But you my babies. Still need someone to look out for you sometimes. You are getting to be very beautiful young ladies and not babies at all. But that doesn't mean that you are ready to be on your own.
Do your homework. Eat your peas. And wash behind your ears.
I can't wait to see you at the end of June.
I hope to pick you up after Lynns last game. Which I plan on rooting for you at Lynn.
I love you both so much.
You are my heartbeat.
Mom
I love you and I miss you so much that sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.
I worry about you even though I know you are in safe hands. I wonder if you are getting to do the things you love to do. No matter what your grades are. Sierra your art is part of who you are. Keep doing it no matter who says what. You CANNOT be grounded from a part of yourself.
Lynndsey you are the bestest sofball player in the world!!
I don't care what anyone says. You do it best!
Its terrible being without you. In my sleep every night I hug you and kiss you til no end.
I remember when I used to read you bedtime stories, Or sing you to sleep. Most of the time it was the only way I could get you to go to sleep at a decent time!
I remember how loud you guys used to be and how I wished you would just be quiet for a moment. No I wish nothing more then to hear you all playing or fighting or laughing and being loud obnoxious children..
My days are lonely without you.
Pan is old enough to be going to job chorp and not needing mom.
But you my babies. Still need someone to look out for you sometimes. You are getting to be very beautiful young ladies and not babies at all. But that doesn't mean that you are ready to be on your own.
Do your homework. Eat your peas. And wash behind your ears.
I can't wait to see you at the end of June.
I hope to pick you up after Lynns last game. Which I plan on rooting for you at Lynn.
I love you both so much.
You are my heartbeat.
Mom
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
at home ...kinda
Well I am back in Everett. I couldn't handle being in Longview anymore. There is just something about knowing where you are and how to get where you want to go.
At the moment I am hanging with my best friend Mouse at the Everett Library. Just thought I would jump on the internet and post an update.
Not really doing much. Will be staying with my friend in Everett at least four days a week. Gotta wash my wubbie today. Hoping to get to know a guy in Iraq. He's in the army and all that.
Anyway. Gotta go.
Hope ya'll are doing great whoever you are that reads this.
At the moment I am hanging with my best friend Mouse at the Everett Library. Just thought I would jump on the internet and post an update.
Not really doing much. Will be staying with my friend in Everett at least four days a week. Gotta wash my wubbie today. Hoping to get to know a guy in Iraq. He's in the army and all that.
Anyway. Gotta go.
Hope ya'll are doing great whoever you are that reads this.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
In Longview
Well I haven't been able to do this for awhile!
I hope everyone is doing good.
I am so happy to say that I got to talk to my sister Vicki.
The baby is doing very well. I have pictures of her. She is so beautiful!!!
As for me, I have cut off all of my hair!
Yes thats right its gone!
Short in the back and long in the front. And now I have no choice but to do something with it everyday. And that makes me feel better.
Now I just need to find the right job. I was working for my friends aunt but she went on a second honey moon and I am in Longview with my mom anyway. My mothers cousin and best friend died last week on a cruise. So we came driving down here to find out that the funeral won't be for another week and some odd days because they are doing a federal investigation of his death.
I will have to go into that more at another time.
Its been kinda nice to be away from my sister Tannis's house. Its always so crowded their with four dogs and four adults and two kids or more because of the neighbor kids and mom and I are always cleaning and never ever get a moment to ourselves. We are absolutely happy to be at my sisters. But it is nice to get away from home too.
Well I guess I don't have as much to say as I would have hoped. I am also using someone elses computer.
Anyway. Hope all is well an anyones world who reads this.
I hope everyone is doing good.
I am so happy to say that I got to talk to my sister Vicki.
The baby is doing very well. I have pictures of her. She is so beautiful!!!
As for me, I have cut off all of my hair!
Yes thats right its gone!
Short in the back and long in the front. And now I have no choice but to do something with it everyday. And that makes me feel better.
Now I just need to find the right job. I was working for my friends aunt but she went on a second honey moon and I am in Longview with my mom anyway. My mothers cousin and best friend died last week on a cruise. So we came driving down here to find out that the funeral won't be for another week and some odd days because they are doing a federal investigation of his death.
I will have to go into that more at another time.
Its been kinda nice to be away from my sister Tannis's house. Its always so crowded their with four dogs and four adults and two kids or more because of the neighbor kids and mom and I are always cleaning and never ever get a moment to ourselves. We are absolutely happy to be at my sisters. But it is nice to get away from home too.
Well I guess I don't have as much to say as I would have hoped. I am also using someone elses computer.
Anyway. Hope all is well an anyones world who reads this.