Sunday, January 30, 2005

dishes dishes and more fucking dishes

I am seeing RED so I thought I would post in RED!
My counter is absolutely over flowing with fucking dishes, dishes that until about an hour ago where lost. Thats right I didn't know where most of my dishes had gone and run off to. Shame on me I know it, how irresponsible to lose most of my dishes. I didn't do it I swear dammit!
It was the corn children!!!!!!
They make themselves something to eat, get themselves something to drink and I think this is great you know, independence and all that jazz.
Hmmmm. independece can take a backseat so I can keep track of the damn plates and silverware...
Thats right the little demons took the dishes up the stairs to do their eating and drinking and merry making.
Oh the things I found and I am sure that I will find more the more I clean.
My roniveggie friend is coming over sometime this week and we are going to put her ocd to some good use and get some stuff done around here.
I want to pull the nasty ass old carpet out of the kids rooms. There is a nice wood floor under the carpet so no problem with having to get new flooring. I just have to get permission from the rents to complete the yankage.
When I traversed up those stairs I thought I would pass out from the smell and the absolute garbage dump their rooms have become.( I don't go up the stairs very often at all because I have a terrible habit of falling down them and I don't like ambulance rides much, so I avoid the stairs)
Well wouldn't ya know one of the first things I see is a plate and a fork!
So I threw some stuff around and found bunch more of my escaped and hiding dishes. Damn, I am so angry with the corns...
I am constantly telling them that they are not allowed to take food upstairs or beverages. And what do they do, they take shit up there. Speaking of shit, there is cat and dog shit up there!!!!!!!!!!!! My oldest daughter corn bread, has a habbit of locking the pets upstairs with her at night. NO MORE! My god child let the poor things out so they don't have to go on the damn floor and if they do have an accident PICK IT UP IMMEDIATLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't be angry with the dog or the cats, I mean what are they supposed to do? Explode!
Anyway, now that I am WAY off the subject.
There are stacks and piles and pillars of dishes for me to wash. I know I know I should make the corns wash the damn dishes. Problem, I don't want to eat of dirty, gritty , greasy dishes. I like my dishes clean. And I do not want to stand there and make sure they clean the dishes right, it is just much better for my sanity and there safety to wash the heap myself. Besides all that washing will soothe my anger into a controllable seethe.
I am more furious about the carpet! Its old yes, but not that damn old, and its nasty yes, but only because I have children of the corn in this house.
If we where in a single story place there would be no problem.
What I do not for the life of me understand is there father was here and has been here often and he goes up there without fear of falling and injury.
He was just here a few days ago, was here for three days as a matter of fact.
He told them to clean there rooms, but he didn't bother to tell me how bad it was.
I had to hear about it from my friend yesterday.
She was nice to let me tell you she didn't fill me in completely.
I am sooo mad, and yes I know that it is my fault for never going up there.
I know I should have more control of the cobblings, I just wish I didn't have stairs.
I can't tell you how afraid I am to go up there. I fall everytime with out fail.
Sometims I get hurt really really bad, sometimes I get hurt but I am still cohearant
sometimes I twist something or wrench my out. Tonight I managed to just hurt my tail bone a bit. I got lucky. That means that next time I will damn near break my neck. I refuse to go up there all the time to check out there rooms. They are 13 damn near 14 actually and 10 and 8. My god I was keeping up my own room by the time I was 5!
We didn't have stairs though.....
I know its no excuse blah blah blah......
I tell you whats gonna happen though, I am going to brave the stairs and I am going to yard out that damn nasty ass carpet, and I am also going to play a little yankage trick on half the corns crap! They don't need stuff if they can't take care of it. The rules will be striclty enforced. NO FOOD, NO PETS, NO DRINKS, & pan NO FUCKING SMOKING GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes On top of everything else I found ciggy butts :(
Now I just got to get someone to come help me get the carpet and other crap to the dump..and I need to go start washing dishes. This is where my love of doing dishes comes in handy. I have no dishewasher so I get to enjoy it to the fullest extent.
About twenty times tonight.....................
Anyone want to help?!

Saturday, January 29, 2005


I started writing this story in 99 put it aside and forgot all about it, I found it today while looking through some stuff, I would like to get feedback on it to see if it is worth finishing.

The air was cool against her abused flesh, she hoped they would stop and go away. unfortunatley they weren't through yet. She didn't even have the strength to moan in protest,as they did unspeakable, horrendous, excruciating things to her bruised and bloody body."why won't they go away" was the only thought her tortured mind could produce,eventually it didn't register anything at all,she couldn't think, hear, or see.
Her first thought was to wonder how long she had been out. Only slightly aware of the ringing and buzzing in her ears, she couldn't see through the red haze that had become a part of her vision, she could feel nothing but a throbbing numbness in her breasts and lower extremities,from the hips down she new she was a bloody mess. Her head had that lost to much blood feeling."I don't want to die out here like this,alone, I can't die without my girls, I can't die.....I can't die........I can't die"
She slowly faded into a black oblivion of unconciousness again, not knowing how close help was.

"Damn partying kids,ripped up the field again, let the bulls out to the damn road, tore up the woods good this time, damn clean up the mess before Hammer sees it."
The tall blonde man walked deep into the woods following the new ruts the mens truck made
when they decided to take the woman for some fun. As the blonde man got closer to where he thought the party had taken place, he began to shiver.
The closer he got the more he shivered.He quickend his pace until he reached the clearing, he stopped and let his eyes wander, at first he didn't recognize the strange flesh colored lump he was looking at. He did a double take when he realized it was a woman lying naked, prone, and bloody. He raced to her side and checked for a pulse."My god!, she's still alive.....but barely." The man reached for his belt, grabbed his two way and called up to the house. "Hammer, this is River,get Johnny Gale and Ghost Rider get in the truck and hightail it up here to Ibex trail head, we've got a brutally raped and beaten young woman up here, River out."
He dropped the radio, pulled his shirt up over his head and gently laid it over the womans torso, he removed his t-shirt and placed that over her legs, he began checking for broken bones excessive bleeding, checked to see if she was still breathing...He couldn't believe she had made it through such an obvioulsy horrendous rape and torture.
She moaned distracting him from his thoughts, he tried to soothe her but when he touched her face she passed out again.
He heard Hammers truck sooner then he thought he would, he was surprised to see Bear, as a rule the huge man was essentially a loner,spoke only Sioux, and generally didn't care what went on with people.
Bear was the first one from the truck to reach River and the woman. The hulk of a man had tears in his eyes as he reached down and scooped the battered woman into gentle loving arms, River heard him whisper "little sister,little sister, all will be well," He gave no one a chance to even glimpse the woman. he simply turned on his heel and walked to the truck, the three people with him stood frozen for a moment, to shocked to move or speak. Hammer was the first to follow. He silently walked to the truck and started the engine.
Johnny Gale and Ghost Rider got in the bed of the truck with Bear and the woman. River jumped up front with Hammer.
She came around a bit when she felt movement under her, it was painful being jostled around and she quickly passed into unknowing again. Johnny Gale gasped when she got a good look at the woman. She KNEW her!. Johnny had once taught her and learned from her,she knew the woman had 3 little girls, and she wondered where they where. "Ghost, I know her, her name is Feather,she has three children, we had better call her family and make sure her children are okay. She's lost alot of blood she should go to the hospital!"
"Johnny if she goes to the hospital they will poke and prod at her and insult her body even more,I think it should be her choice."
Johnny, she not go, we heal little sister."
Johnny and Ghost simply stared at the man whom they thought couldn't speak english. They had never seen him touch another person but he was craddling Feather, and calling her little sister!
They where shocked. Ghost knew then that she was going to be joining there group, and the faster she was pledged the better it would be.But no "woman" was ever pledged. They either married in or where born in. He would need to speak with Hammer.....

Technical difficulties

I don't know whats up with blogger but some of the pages I go, pop up these things that ask me if I want to download this or that and when I say no it freezes my computer to the point where I have to pull the power to the tower,(hmmm I'm a poet and didn't know it)
So I am now afraid to visit certain blogs. Rathwel I apologize but your blog is now doing this to me so unless I go to the library I won't be able to see latest stuff going on in your blog.
This sucks because I enjoy your blog so much! There is always something interesting going on there...
I don't know why this happens at some blogs but I don't like it and I don't know what I can do to stop it. I have a jurassic boat anchor and can't do pop up blocker because I don't have the capacity for it aaarrrgggggg.
In other news. My PARAnormal friends came over again last night and we chatted, veggie brought me a book on si(self injury) so I can learn more about Pans problem and maybe get some tips on how to handle it.
I met with the Deacon this morning and he gave me a 50$ gift card to safeway!!!!!!
So now I have a half tank of gas and a bunch of groceries and laundry soap and shampoo and conditioner YAY!!!!!THankyou JEEBUS!
My friend wants me to go see her new apaprtment but it is like an hour away and I just can't do it. I need the gas in my car for running that I have to do.
My Dmom is up from Olympia, she got her divorce finalized yesterday.Thankyou Jeebus again!!!!!!!
It is still really warm here, that pineapple express ROCKS!
I hate the cold and I hate snow even more (except snowvhitev)
I love her very much we have been friends for 20 years!!!!!!
Man that makes me feel old.
When I think about my friend TJ I feel even older, we met in first grade! That was sooo long ago oh my GOD! 28 years ago almost 29 HOLY MOLY batman!!
When I consider the fact that I am closer to friends I have had for 6 years it makes me kinda sad that I have lost touch with TJ.We still talk about once a month or two months, I think we need to reconnect. I am going to call her when I get offline.
The kids don't have school on Monday and they are already driving me up the wall.
I am used to my quite time..I love them though and they crack me the moment they are doing some americanized childlike rendition of a Russian dance...LMAO!
Hmmm maybe its Jewish dudududdu du du du .......
OKay now that thats over,maybe I can concentrate..
I haven't heard from Buttman and I am pretty upset about that, he called me for like 5 minutes and then his kids got home so he had to go, said he would call me back and I haven't heard from him since- that was like 6 days ago...I am sooooo kicking his ass the next time he is here!
OH YEAH METALLICA! God I love these guys,they just ROCK!
Speaking of people that rock JOE COOL you are AWESOME!!!!!
I also think that TISH ROCKS TOO! And JERZEE that girl cracks me up!
Boabhan always has interesting stuff going on at her blog, and BITCH IN BOOTS, is a riot with her dating escapades! CEDIA has always got some kind of ehem something going on LOL
and MERRITT is just plane SUPERMOM of the century :) DL is always an excellent read often funny and always thoughtful. I will be adding a link to my roniveggie at snowvhitev.

I am thinking I might go visit my sister today, not sure though. I kinda feel like laying in bed in all day and watching t.v., I am still not feeling good and I don't know why. I think I have a cold or something.I just feel really run down , maybe I just need a mental health day.Yoga and meditation sounds lovely to me.
Hmm yes I am off to go do some meditating....ooommmmmm :)

Friday, January 28, 2005

something to think about

I don't know what it is about GOD, He works in the most mysterious of ways I tell you what!
Today after talking to GOD for the better part of the night about my desperate money situation, I was struck with the brilliant idea to call local churches to see if I could get some help. So I called, and I was able to receive 2 food baskets with such useful stuff as tp, and dish soap included along with some great non-perishable food items.! The thing that struck me the most however was .Not one single person I contacted made me feel like the loser I feel that I am right now.EVERY single person I talked to be they male or female treated me with dignity and respect. One church even gave me a ten dollar gift card to Safeway and I was able to get milk and eggs and butter and bread! I have a meeting with a Deacon from another church tomarrow morning to see if they can help me with more food and some gas money so I can go job hunting, get to physical therapy etc.The thing that was wonderous and mysterious to me was the fact that I was having some issues earlier with a newer version of aol and I got booted while talking to the techy guy, as soon as I was booted the phone rang and it was the Deacon of the church I am going to in the morning!!! Amazing to me!
I had to call the American Red Cross also today to try to get help with my electricity bill.
That woman was sooo nice she told me she could pay 60$ of the bill and if I wanted to come in and watch an energy conservency video she would help with another 25$! WOW I said, of course I can watch a video.Hell I'd take whatever class they wanted me to. I asked about voluteering but was told that they are not having any of their classes right now as all of the trainers are working on the Tsunami thing...then I felt like a loser again, because here I am living in America and there is no disaster except my life, but I still have a roof over my head, and food on my table and clothes on my back. Here I am going to the RED CROSS to get help with my electricity when there are people in other parts of the world who live without that certain commodity..I am sooooo very grateful for the help I received today and will receive tomarrow, but I feel like a shit for it too...
Not only has GOD helped me and mine out today (and everyday for that matter) but he also managed to make me think more positively about my situation. A double extra quadruple lesson today. AWESOME.
THANKYOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 27, 2005


Everyone that knows me will tell you that I am weird,strange,tacky,funny, nutters,off kilter, etc, here is a partial list of reasons why I think they say this.
1) I absolutely love Drag Queens.I want to be with a man who will put on fish net stockings for me and maybe a corset and a feather boa..mmmm..
2) I LOVE BIKERS, be they clean cut and business suity weekend bikers or be they dirty grungee long bearded long haired miscreants! Be they bald, tatooed, pierced,leather jacketed, or just naked on a harley, any biker on this planet can have me to keep forever....
3) I think the lizard man is a hottie.
4)I think that men covered in tattoos are sexy.
5) I love a bald man just as much as I love a man with long hair.
6) Heavy machinery gets me excited.
7) I actually own a cat of nine tails.(this is a type of whip,not a type of household feline.)
8)I don't like sports
9) just the thought of a hard (errrr ummm )(yeah one of those) makes my mouth water.
10)I swallow
11) I am not attracted to white collar business men unless they own a Harley.
12) Quite and shy men scare men
13) no offense to very under tall people but you kinda scare me.
14) I am still afraid of blenders, it took me until 2 years ago to get over my fear of lawn mowers.
15) I think that lord of the dance guy is a FREAK!!!! NO ONES FEET SHOULD MOVE THAT FUCKING FAST!!!!
16) I love the show the king of the hill! I'll tell you what.
17) I cannot stand the thought of anal anything,makes me wanna curl up in a ball and cry, I couldn't even take my kids temps when they where babies,armpits always! Its just to invasive and I damn near killed an er doctor for doing it to one of my kids...seriously there was security and blood everywhere..(from the doc's broken nose!) (what would you do if you walked into your childs er room and saw something like that and your kid was screaming!)
18)I have never been to jail but I have been arrested.
19) I was once the only chick who didn't suck the strippers (PART) at a wedding shower.
20) I listen to music from all ages and genres ( I am teased about this sometimes)
21) I actually loved CREED
22) I once had 9 cats and one small dog.(that dog was so mentally screwed)
23)I love pickled herring but will not even TRY sushi, just sounds nasty.
24) I am over 250 pounds but I can do the splits and bend in other unnatural ways.( I was 352 ! and I could still do the sp
25)I cannot throw anything like a rock or a baseball more then five to ten feet (okay ten feet is giving myself ALOT of credit) This never fails to crack up the people who love me. But I can throw a basketball across the entire court and make a basket.... go figure.
26) I think really dumb stuff is hilarious and will often be the only one laughing at something. I am easily amused what can I just cracks me up.
27)I can't remember half the stuff I do or say, but I can still tell you the room number to every resident at Grandview Village, where I used to work, and the meds they used to take and what for, and when they got there showers etc.
28)I cannot remember what I ate yesterday but I can tell you the favorite foods of just about everyone I know.
29) I CANNOT learn by watching or being told, I have to read it, do it, or figure it out for myself.
30) I can not sleep at night,unless heavily medicated or completely exhausted. It must be daytime for me to even feel sleepy.and if I have to be up during the day, I feel off kilter and just plain ucky.
Not that you wanted to know any of that stuff but this is my blog, if you want something else to read check out the links on the sidebar they lead to some very awesome blogs. Oh yah I put another post on SSS to for anyone who is interested, and thankyou to all the folks who left comments on the last post I did there.
I hope you all are warm and safe.
Boabhan if you read this I cannot seem to leave a comment on your blog.I cannot even get the comment page to appear.

I wonder sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what the heck goes through a mans head,oh say for instance when his best female friend tell him she is in love with him?
Especially after HE said in front of MANY witnesses that if he and his (THEN) girlfriend ever broke up that said best friend would be the person he would be with next.Especially when he has told said best friends sister that best friend was his idea of the perfect woman for him.
But for some reason now that they are broken up and all and have been for several years now he is still telling best friend that they are too close to be together, that they know eachother too well to be a couple, that she is his best friend and he wouldn't want to lose her . That she is above his standards, (this is not a compliment either by the way).I don't understand how a man can flirt and flirt and flirt and say seriously misleading things (if he doesn't mean them) Like for example, if you weren't my best friend we would make and awesome couple, I would love to be with you. NOW how the HELL am I supposed to take that statement???????? Men make absolutely no sense to me what so ever.
He flirts with me and tells me how wonderful I am and how perfect I am for a guy like him, He gets boners when we wrestle around or I just back into him on accident. He comes up behind me when I am doing laudry and grabs my hips and pretend to (well he bumps into me repeatedly)anyway, he walks around with his hand down his pants all day, and when I tell him to knock it off he says something about playing with himself.and how big he is, then makes jokes about me!!!!!
I mean it is just really hard to explain...People that don't even know us think we are together. Seriously we walked into a gas station and the ladies behind the counter asked us how long we had been married. When he got his hair cut the lady thought we were together and I am sure its because he kept referring to me as his queen and that I was to say if his haircut was good enough.That is it was up to me.
I tell him all the time to pull his head out of his ass and we made a joke about it that he is a cheerio and I am the queen of his harem( another story for another time) and so hence my url of cheerios and queens...This sucks it trully does. I love him so much and he scares the crap out me at the same time. I think he is having the same issues, I just don't know someone explain men to me please!!!! I am begging on my knees..........

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Excuse me please while I bitch,moan, whine, and complain, and pretty much blow the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I am SUFFERING today!
I don't like this no not one little bit......
I have no Mountain Dew and NO Marlboro's to ease my grouchiness back into its normal deal able self.I have become a monster...
I am a whirlwind of wanna blow my top and scream at everything that passes by me today.
My animals have been yelled at for doing no more then jumping in my lap for a rub, and the kids that are home for various reasons are steering clear as they where previously warned to do so and they know better having been with me since the day they where born....
I want to tear the head off of something.I am losing my ever loving mind!
This trully and completely SUCKS :(
I have no desire to do anything other then RANT and RAVE about how crappy today has been and why.
I am just in the most terrible of moods.
Everything is going wrong and I am not handling this very well as it is.
And now on top of everything else I have no caffeine and no nicotine to soothe my nerves..I just want to cry and scream and throw a huge ass childlike hairy cat fit. I want to throw myself on the cold wood floor and burry myself in the lemony smell of the wood and bang my fists on the floor until they bleed, I want to bang my head against the floor until I pass out. I want I want I want!!!!!! God I sound like I have regressed to being 5.
Ah hell 2, Yes thats right, no cigarettes and no Mountain Dew have regresesed me back to my Terrible Two's!!!!
IT"S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BANG BANG BANG,(god that hurts)
Slam Slam Slam (someone finish this for me I am unconcious)


Monday, January 24, 2005

secret smutty stuff

SHHHH thats the name of my new page!
It already has a story on it, if you want to check it out I am putting a link on the side bar (sss) If you like it let me know if you don't let me know that too.If you don't want to read it, don't hit the link(LOL)
I did the other page for that reason, some folks who come here or who happen upon this page may not want to read stuff like that!
Okay I gotta make that linky now and visit some other blogs to see whats up with folks!!!!!! Hope you are all safe and warm <3

Another page

Okay I am bored out of my mind!
I have this idea in my head to write a steamy story but I don't want to offend anyone who might happen to read that kind of thing on my page so I have decided to create another blog just for the story and that way anyone who's interested can go and read it there. I will be putting that up shortly, well maybe tomarrow it is getting awefully late. Unless I can't sleep like usual...hmm we will see what happens..
Hope you all are warm and safe!!!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

the info

Well I cannot provide the link I said I was going to get as I have children here who are awake and they DO NOT need to see this page. so I went to the search and grabbed the addy needed to get there
please go and see this only if you have a strong stomach as the pictures are very graphic and very sadly startling and horrifying as I said previously fgm should never ever ever happen to anyone and it needs to be stopped, if you can please send a donation to one of the organizations trying to hault this practice.

Memory is a fickle thing!

I was thinking last night and I was trying to remember a conversation I had had with my sister.I then realized that I have a terrible memory when it comes to things that are of a verbal nature.I talked to my sister, who is a veritable information sponge and remembers the conversations we had when we first met 13 years ago word for word! She had asked me about a particular conversation and I asked her where were we when we had this conversation? She said."at the house on such n such street in Centralia" I said "what room where we in?" She said"my bedroom"
I said "okay and ST had just gotten out of bed and the blankets where thrown back and we sat on the bed and St's shoes where on the floor and the light was coming in the windows in such a way that it was blinding you and you had to put a blanket up and you knocked down the plant haning in the corner between the windows and got dirt all over your bed." She looked at me so strangly and said " I don't remember that" and I said."well I don't remember the conversation!" We just looked at eachother for a moment and then burst into gales of roaring laughter.
Cut from half of the same cloth ( same mother) and we have completely different memory styles! If we could but combine our minds we would be brilliant!( more so then we already are! hee hee hee) We would be scary! She does scare me as a matter of fact she can remember entire conversations and I rember hardly nothing of conversations, she can tell you WORD FOR WORD every conversation she has ever had I SWEAR TO GOD! I can't tell you what I talked about yesterday.I can tell you how the sun looked as it came through my window, I can't tell you what I ate, or what I did other then I remember going to get money from Dave, and I think we talked about T's school...hmm not sure.anyway I can tell you what her house looked like yesterday and that I noticed she had cleaned it..It was like that in school too, I never listened to the teacher, I just read the book and did the work and if we watched a film I would take notes. Come test time I would picture the book in my mind and the page and derive my answer.When T studies she has to read outloud and does better when she dicusses the text with someone, she then recalls the conversation and derives her answer.Funny how memory works!
Thankyou Mr. Johnny Carson for all the laughs and late night fun!
You will be missed.
See ya on the other side!!!!!!!!
I was online looking for info on cutting and stumbled across an interesting site and a horryifying site. The interesting site was called bloodclub and it is a message board kinda thing for some fairly strange individuals, I found a page that was ten clues or red flags that your neighbor is a cannibal! The one that really cracked me up was ( you aks your neighbor for a beer and he says "right there in the fridge next to Steve") and (Your neighbor is single but at his garage sale he has men and womens clothes and shoes in every size and style.) Or (you see repairmen going in but you hardly ever see them going out) There where other funnier ones but I can't remember what they where. oh another ( your neighbor says "I'm in the mood for a mexican..I mean mexican ) hah haa haaaa
okay the other site I stumbled across has me so angry I just don't really know what to sy about it. It was about female genital mutilation and it had pictures that where horrifying. I can't imagine this happening to girls all around the world. It breaks my heart. There are organizations out there trying to stop it and I tell ya as soon as I get some money I am sending some to them. I had nightmares last night of someone grabbing my daughters and trying to cut them like that, I woke up screaming and crying.. just terrible terrible stuff folks. I strongly encourage every woman to help fight this somehow..I will try to put the link up here in a few minutes so you can see what I am talking about. Men feel free to fight this too!!!!
It is outrageous and should never happen ever to anyone PERIOD!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 22, 2005


Well today has been pretty uninteresting,I had to call D again and borrow money because I had no TP and no bread and no cigs and no gas for my car and no cat food.So he loaned me thrity bucks and I went and got all of the above,I love him so much,he shouldn't have to be loaning me cash like this all the frickin time, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't around.Nej has loaned me a few bucks here and there and I have made trades with both D and Nej for stuff the kids or I needed or the pets. I got a letter in the mail about a job I had applied for in December and we have been playing phone tag for about a week now.I am going to go into the office on monday after I meet with the intervention specialist at Pans school.That way I can take care of anything she might need me to take care of, I will take all of my certs and liscenses etc so she can see them.Hopefully I will have a job by the end of the week,even though my doctor and physical therapist have told me that I am not ready to work yet, I am afraid that my back will just have to suffer as I can no longer be a beggar.I have applied for help from the state and L&I has been taking there own sweet time with everything on there end. I absolutely have to get a job, I can't afford to have a zero income status.I have bills to pay and the threats of shutting me off are starting to roll in. This is insanity! I am going insane!
I hate the way that everything always seems to fall apart at the same time.What a test! I know everything will be okay and that I will make it through this, I know that! And yet I cannot help but wonder if maybe I won't have a complete breakdown before it gets better. I am trying to stay positive and keep my chin up but it is hard when I feel like I am drowning in ice water and I just want to go to sleep and let myself sink to my doom..Acckkk, I can't stand feeling this way.
I have somewhat of a plan of action and that makes me feel a little better so I can keep going and do what I need to do.If I have a breakdown again, I will lose everything AGAIN! I DO NOT want that to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I get up everyday and I try to do something positive and I try to keep going and be a mom and all that and I tell ya its frickin hard.Somedays I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and shouting FUCK THIS SHIT....
I was taught to never give up and I have pulled my ass out of worse places then I am in now so I KNOW I can do it. Its just tough thats all and I feel like whining about it...waa waaa waaa I know..I feel better getting this off my chest though.
My plan of action:
get out there and get a job regardless of what everyone says
call a great friend and have her come help me do some thorough winter cleaning
organize everything
pay bills
give some stuff away
throw some stuff away
call counselor for Pan and me
keep going to physical therapy
get that book!
go on a serious healthy body,mind,soul, journey
spend less time worrying about what I am going to do and instead DO SOMETHING
Don't let any one tell me that I am useless/and if they do don't pay attention!
Life straightend out YAY!
Now a positive note! My 5 year old neice amazed me today!
She was playing this video game "Starfox" and I couldn't believe she knew what she needed to do and where she needed to go and how to move the guy and everything and she killed every monster guy she came across and got all the extra points and everything,then she flew a space ship thing and had to go through these rings and she got every one of them.I am telling you right now I would have flown that thing straight into the ground! And I would have been killed by all the monsters and I would have totally run right off the cliff cat walk thingy and ended up in the lava!
I cannot play video games to save my life! Especially the car races ones! I end up going backwards or in circles, quite funny actually.I love those arcade games where you sit in the drivers seat and theres an actual steering wheel! I am sooo good at those and they are fun, of course I also love to purposely crash because I get a kick out of flipping the car 2 million times and bursting into flames and not actually getting hurt, I love it when the guy flies out of the car and lands on his head saying ouch! HAH AHH AHHA HAAA!!!!!! Your dead I'm not hee hee hee!
Okay anyway what amazed me the most is that M new exactly how many points she needed to get whatever she wanted,SHE'S 5!!!!!
WEll this became a short novel and I was only going to say a few things.Crikey!!

A little change!

I have converted to Haloscan for comments, I was having issues with the blogger comment thingy, it just wasn't working sometimes. So I am trying this now, I am so glad that I had all my other comments emailed to me, but now my page looks empty of comments!!! LOL A small price to pay for convienience for all ..... :)

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Not such a good day

I got a call from my oldest daughters school today, from the intervention specialist, it seems that my daughter has been cutting,not class,no nothing as simple as that,she has been cutting herself.
I am quiet distressed and I don't know what to do about this situation,
I am meeting with the intervention lady and Pan on Monday morning so we can figure out where to go from here.I asked Pan why she has been cutting herself and she said "Because I get so damn angry and I don't know what else to do." I told her to come and talk to me when she gets so mad.She said the words every parent dreads to hear."mom,I can't talk to you it just wouldn't work " ACCHHHKKK,can you hear my heart not beating, can you hear my lungs no longer breathing, can you hear my soul come to a screaching halt..What the FUCK do I do??????
I have had some people tell me from there own experience that there is nothing that can be done,once a cutter always a cutter.I don't want to believe this.I need to believe that with counseling and a strong support system that my daughter can move away from this cutting of herself.
I don't know what to do and I am not good with things like this, I know the basic stuff, be there for her, be proactive etc etc blah blah blah, BUT WHAT DO I DO???!!!!?????
If anyone that reads this has any insight, advice, or valum, please email me! I need some help with this one..oy vey.
I have decided that I hate physical therapy and I hate MY physical therapist in particular,well one of them anyway..He actually had the nerve to tell me that I could be a better mom if I worked harder at physical therapy, WOW, I went off! and now in just an hour or so I have to go and see his ass again..I want to change physical therapists but L&I is paying for this and I don't think they will let me change..I have a ? about L&I .
Ass munch told me that my ex employer is paying for all this,hmm then why do us employees pay into L&I?Where does that money go if not to us when we get injured at work and get fired for it?Does it disapear into thin air,is it used to buy concrete for city sidewalks, does it line the pockets of politicians???And If the latter is the case then I want all my money back!
Just wondering,so if anyone knows please leave a comment and tell me!
I dearly hope that everyone has a much better day then I have had so far, I will try to be more lighthearted later..Just not in the mood at the time of writing this..:(

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Memories are precious things and some of mine have been brought back to me thanks to the writings of TISH and JOE COOL..TY guys!
My first memory of my grandpa is riding on his lawnmower with him,first we would go out into the field and look for snakes, cuz gramps said they make an aweful stinking mess when ya chop em up and there taint no way to pick up that many pieces a snake.
So out to the field we would go with a gunny sack and a snake grabber,(this was a mickey moused pitchfork with one bent tine)and we would go slither huntin..I love that slither huntin, (oh gramp) and we would walk around kinda crouched down so as not to throw such a big shadow ya see.
And whenever we found a snake he would shout 'HAH I gotchya ya legless bastard!" Yes I learned at 4 years old to shout that out! Boy was my dad proud the first time he took me fishing with him and I grabbed a worm out of the tackle box and shouted at the top of my kiddo lungs "HAH I gotchya ya legless bastard!"(No joke he really was proud,just so long as my mother wasn't around) oops got a little side tracked.
So on with the memories.I will never forget one day in particur, I don't know why exactly, maybe it was the way the sun was shining down on us,maybe it was the smell of the dried out grass, maybe it was the way my grandpa held my small hand as we walked..I just remember the moment,so well that I am now crying! and laughing!.God I miss that man...
After we would gather up all the legless bastards we could find, we would hop on to the mower and go over the field twice, nice and slow,enjoying every moment.I loved the way the cut grass smelled and the warmth of my grandpas chest against my back and the way I felt so safe and loved with his arm wrapped around me.I loved the way the other grandkids where jealous that I was always the one to hunt slithers and ride the mower, I loved the slant of the sun as it would slowly move across the sky.I loved the way he would carry me home at dusk and kiss me goodbye. I loved the way that even though they sent up a high to heaven stink my gramps would shout "HAH I gotchya ya legless bastard"whenever he chanced to mow one over.I loved the smell of his vodka and cranberry juice , and cigarette breath, I still love the smell of a zippo as it takes me right back to grandpas lap and knowing I was treasured by someone no matter what I did. Gutting fish just isn't the same without the old man..I have never caught a snake without shouting.
"HAH I caughtchya ya legless bastard" and I am filled with pride when one of my girls does the same! Thanks for teaching me to spit and so many many more things grandpa a man who always wore a halo and had beautiful golden wings,at least to me..(sniff sniff)

For a GREAT laugh

This was a great sight,I have no idea how boabhan found it but it cracked me up! I love the actual newpaper headlines,I still have tears rolling down my cheeks!!!! LOFL! click the title for the link! :)

bad juju

I have got a baddddd feeling, I don't like it not one bit, its one of those someone I love very much just died kinda feelings, I am freaking out here just a little bit, I can't hardly breathe and my neck and back are all hot and tingly.I want to scream and cry cuz I KNOW its gonna be BAD..Oh God.............I want to call my sister but it is way to late and I know she would not appreciate my call...FUCK this is terrible.I hate when I get this feeling..I don't know who it is and I think that makes it worse, but then again knowing who means someone..ah crap I don't know how to explain this feeling or how it just came over me all of a sudden out of absolutely NOWHERE......BAD BAD BAD JUJU..FUCK

Kitchen floor slip and slide! WOO HOO

Yes I said it! Kitchen floor slip and slide woohoo!
It was everyone helps clean up this pit day and I had asked each of the kids to do certain chores,among the list was mopping the kitchen floor, I had given this chore to my middle daughter bellie.My friend Nej was living with me at the time and we were in the living room resting as we had just thoroughly cleaned and rearranged the living room.(can't travel outside of environment/change environment!) She was sitting on the couch with a perfect view of the kitchen and we heard bellie hit the floor and scream WOOO HOOO! Jen looks just in time to see the other two hit the floor and scream WOO HOOO! She starts laughing and she says "YOU are not going to believe what they are doing NOW!" So I get up and we peer into the kitchen together at three very suds covered kids slip sliding all over the kitchen floor in there bathing suits! Oh they where having the greatest time! All I could do was laugh and say to Nej "How I wish I could clean the floor like that!" Nej ran and got her camera and snapped several pictures, as soon as the film is developed I am going to post them!!
They had fun like that until they got sore bottoms from sliding across the floor...Then I had a MOUNTAIN of suds in my bathtub damn near up to the ceiling I couldn't see the kids through the bubbles!!!!!! I tell you one thing though, they can clean the floor like that anytime they want! My floor was absolutely sparkling in the sun flooding through the windows..
Hmm I think tomarrow I will hand them the dish soap and tell them to enjoy themselves,they won't even realize they are doing a chore...HEE HEE win!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


Okay,this story will be sure to gross you out and make you laugh,
It's a typical day just like anyother, I had roasted a chicken the night before.I decided to make chicken soup as it is a favorite around here.So I stand in the kitchen at the counter for a good twenty minutes getting all the chicken off the bones,I then spend another thirty minutes cutting up carrots and celelry and onion and making mashed potatoes.I finally get all the prep work done and put everything in the pot.I walked out of the kitchen for a few minutes to sweep the living room and the kids where playing twister in the kitchen, I hear my oldest say ewww gross I am NOT eating THAT now..Hmm I wonder what she is talking about,the freshly mashed potatoes or the soup???So I walk back in the kitchen and ask her which she means and she says the soup.Why?I ask,she says she doesn't even want to say why.I'm like Pan just tell me why! She has never ever refused my chicken soup so I was very curious as to why she would do so now..As it turns out (are ya ready for this?)As they where playing twister my middle daughter decided to pick her nose and she flicked it(the little urchin)and Pan watched in horror as the offending matter flew into her favorite meal! accckkkkkk,and ewwwww, there was NO way any of us where eating THAT now! So off we went to Jack in the Box for dinner.
Booger soup anyone???????????

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Idiot am I

Great good GOD what have I gone and done NOW!! HOLY SHIT!
Nej pretty much convinced me to give the "date me NOW" Sites a try, WOAHHHHH
I did not sign up for the first message I got from a guy from NIGERIA! Now I ask you is that within 50 miles of Seattle or have I been disillusioned my entire life to believing I was living in NORTH AMERICA, Don't get me wrong I have nothing against anybody anywhere for any reason, well aside from Osama Bin Laden but who doesn't hate that guy, so anyway , I go to see what the scoop is last night at (I just love that title) and some guy instant messages me with I hi beautiful,okay last I checked men did not say this to me after seeing my pic, so that kinda got my hairs standing on end, a red flag as it where, so I said hi back thinking alright DUDE whats your story?So anyway he asks me what I do for a living and I told him I am a jobless broke ass ho, thinking..alright that ought to put him off.NOPE he then asked if I had yahoo, I said yes and gave him my yahoo messenger , I know I know but I was having fun okay, so he messeges me and asks me again what I do for a living, I told him I don't work except for at the corner but my pimp takes all my money.I was thinking again that that would put him off, no he comes back with do you have any children, so I said yeah I have 24 kids.
He then comes back with 'I am looking for my soul mate" I wrote back I wish you luck in your search. Then he asked me if I wanted to get married!!!! WTF OMIGOD! DUDE I AM NOT A GREEN CARD!!!!!!!!! SO anyway I said I already have 7 husbands and they are all brothers and very jealous of other men...he says " I don't mind sharing as long as my soul mate is you.." I ignored him and deleted him off my yahoo..
Sooooo today I check my email and there is a message from Richard, " I want to start a relationship" And he went on to talk about how he wants to be with a woman who knows what he wants and how for him to get it ! LOL...Well I deleted the message and he can send as many as he wants he will not get a reply from me, I am just wondering how many other women at have heard from Nigerian Richard in Washington, but not yet.....
SHEESH when am I ever gonna learn, Just for this I am punishing myself by not giving Nej any crap about her dating choices for a month....a week...okay at least 24 hours anyway..

I am so HAPPY

I know it is silly and all but thanks to some devine intervention I have figured out how to add links to my sidebar!!!! YEAH!!!! So now you can go and visit some more of my favorite places and read more fantastic blogs!!!! Woo Hoo! Oh sooooo HAPPYIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Monday, January 17, 2005

The things I found in my kitchen sink this morning

Living with children is often an adventure in science! I had the proof in my kitchen sink this morning,I went to do the dishes from breakfast and this in what I found. Four sponges of varying colors,17 raisins,a tac,2 purple beads,a cup full of very moist hot cocoa mix,7 orange peels, several apple peels,seeds and a core, a banana peel,an avacado pit, a rubber band,a purple hair bobber,2 pencils,some string,a chunk of fairly crispy play dough,(pink),some stuff that can only be described as white sludge,2 coffee cups,2 small plates,3 bowls,all of my silver ware, a largeish mixing bowl,a herd of eggs shells,a potato,a lid to an olive can,a milk cap ring, a pepsi cap,a very nasty soggy crouton, a cucumber wedge,knives of varying length and seratedness,8 grapes,a aa battery, and a straw....What the HECK where those corn children doing this morning???I ask to anyone out there who may still have a grasp on there sanity,how in the world does three bowls of cocoa puffs and three spoons turn into all of the above????
My mind is trully and completely boggled.

For beautiful fine art nudes

These are beautiful, my favorite is "snakeskin".
This is not porn it is art and it is AWESOME! If you want to check it out click on the title!!!!

For Ladies and the curious

IF you would like to see pics of SIZE or size click on the title of this post, this was an interesting site. Made me laugh and also feel bad for some of the er unfortunates...enjoy! :)

Sunday, January 16, 2005

rollercoaster day

I am having a very bi-polar day today,I am very emotional, alot of things I have read and seen and heard today have brought tears to my eyes, some in sadness some in mirth.As for instance boabhans word mixup, click on the link "boabahn" to read..oh dear lord that cracked me up.I don't know why I am having a bi-polar day when it has been so blessedly long since the last time. I think I need to reread Stuarts peace of mind post.I am not feeling depressed and I am not feeling repressed and I am not feeling ultra uber happy either. I am neither high or low, I am going rapidy from one to the other and it sucks.I am really liking the fact that I can post this stuff, that I am not afraid to speak my most honest mind here at this spot.Where else can I do that?Hmm without getting shot or ridiculed anyway.I am not one to be closed mouthed don't get me wrong, I am known for being able to say things in such a way as to not offend someone when telling them a truth, and yet getting the point across..hmm sugar coating a tad! Yes that would be it, sugar coating..I have been told so many times by so many of my friends and family that I need to work on being a bitch.I don't understand why.Would this make me more intelligent? Would this make me even stronger then I am, just because I am not a bitch doesn't mean that I get stepped on (all the this is not a link it is emphasis!) and just because I am not a bitch doesn't mean that I don't speak my mind or let people know my opinion, I am just not mean about it.I also wonder if maybe some of my bitchier friends might be jealous of my not a bitch status.I mean, well actually I have no idea, but isn't it hard to be friends with someone when both of you are bitches,doesn't it work out better if one friend is ultimatley nicer then the other?How does a double bitch relationship stand the test of time,of heart aches, of backstabbing, of jealousy, of huge fights, if one friend cannot be the first to forgive. Hmmm and in other aspects of being a bitch, do men really like their girlfriends,wives, etc to be bitchy?
Or is it that they want someone who will not be afraid to speak her mind? Because there is a huge difference.Then again maybe men don't pay enough attention to notice the difference or perhaps they just don't give a flying rats fuck either way. I am going to have to think about this at greater length..I do know that I don't want to be a bitch all of the time but I am feeling particularly bitchy and weird today..god damn I'm NOT at fucking disney land rollercoaster emotion ride....FUCK, today has just got me in a dither and I know not what to do.I think I need to go find a joke sight or go look at again,ladys if you want a good laugh go there,OMIGOD!!!!!!! And gentlemen my best advice to you is DON"T LOOK! HEE HEE HEE.
See what I mean, up and fucking down...sheesh, I need a hottub and a guy to rub my shoulders and tell me I am beautiful.....(big sigh)

my PARAnormal friends

If you are interested in such things, click on the title !!!!


I was just dashing about the blogger world and I have found some pretty interesting things out there, I would really like to link them but I am still having the hardest time getting that done..
I even tried to adopt a fetus and that wouldn't work for me either, I really wanted that cow baby in a jar too!!
Maybe I can get it to work at some point but I am beggining to lost faith in my ability to use my brain.
On another note, my friends came to stay with me last night, they investigate the spirit world and so they came with a recorder and two types of cameras.There where some strange things going on and some of it was caught on film, I hope to post the pictures etc when I get them, That is if my befuddled brain can figure out how the heck to do it!!!! As I was falling asleep last night someone slapped the mattress by my head three times and brought me right around to being wide awake again,I didn't see anyone but felt a chill and that somone nasty is hovering over me feeling had my hairs standing on end..two of my daughters where alseep in my bed at the time,california kings are good for that! LOL! The dog didn't seem to notice anything this time, but the cat was hissing at an unseen something above my bed...I think I might try sleeping on my couch tonight,or well early tomarrow morning.It always seems to happen around 3;30 am .If I go to sleep before that all is well, if I wait to go to bed until after 4 am all is again well..I need to be a normal human being and fall asleep at a decent hour, to me though sleeping at night has always been a problem, I feel my most enegetic and alive and awake after 6pm.I ahve always been this way, I have found that if I don't get to bed by 4am I will just lie there awake until 7 or so and I might nod off for a few hours but then I wake up feeling groggy, if I just stay up then I feel refreshed and alive and have lots of energy, I can stay awake indefinatley, the longest I have tested this theory is by staying awake for 9 days..I was bouncing off the frickin walls!!!! my house was spotless even down to the light fixtures,I had read 5 books, big ones, and I was not on drugs I swear! I had to take a bunch of trazadone and alprazolam to be able to fall asleep I figured after 9 days I must need to get some sleep but I couldn't fall asleep on my own, I was bursting with energy and wanted to repot my plants again, for the third time in 9 days!! So I got some sleep aids and took one of each, three hours later and plants repotted I took one more of each,two hours later and clippings from my plants potted I took two of each.Don't ask me what happend next cuz I couldn't tell ya, my kids came home from school and found me asleep on the floor with my face in the dirt from the plant I was repotting :) They woke me up and sent me to my bed, I made it to the couch and crashed until 9 am, ty god it was a friday so the kids didn't have to get up for school the next day as they would have been late..I asked them what they had eaten for dinner and they said they went to grandmas,she lives next door,,whew! OKAY I am WAY off the subject now aren't I..Sorry,,anyway, my friend is really into the paranormal thing and should be letting me know within a matter of a few days what showed up on film if anything.She said she saw some images on her digital camera that shouldn't have been there,but we aren't sure of anything yet, My house is overrun with spirits so it wouldn't surprise me in the least, I am only interested really in the spirit who likes to try to choke me..
Scary that dude is I am telling you!!!
An on to other things again, my friend the dating hero has been talking to a guy in St. Pete, if she decided to take a trip down there I want to go with her and try to get to Mississippi to see some folks that I haven't seen in a long long time.
I just have to complain about one little itty bitty thing in my life,I have no money and I have no lightbulbs and so I am relegated to doing my laundry in a dark laundry room. This is not fun and I do not like it, but at the same time I am greatful that I am not trying to do laundry in a river pounding it against rocks!
My friend D gave me 30 $ today so I guess I can buy a light bulb now WOOHOO!!!!
He has been my friend for uhoh got to think now...19 years ! Holy Cow! that took some figuring...
Anywhoo I consider him to be like a brother, he meets my sister whom I had recently met myself as I was adopted and she is my biological sister raised by my biological mother, anyway they hook up and have been together for 6 + years now.So he is almost my brother in law ! YAY! I went to visit them today and had a good time, and well you see I had called D to see if I could trade him 10$ for 10 dollars worth of food,my 10 year old will not eat anything with hooves, and I had alot of beef , so he said sure, and as we were visiting I was saying how I need to go to energy assistance on tuesday as I have a disconnect notice for my power and that L&I still hasn't come through and I am beggining to panic, so we go out to have a cig and he hands me an extra 20$ bill.
I said was is this for, and he said gas ,cigs, etc..just because we care...I love that man! I am so glad that my sister is with him, he takes care of her and her son and there daughter so very very well, I am grateful that she has a man like him..And I am grateful that he has a lady like my sister!!!Oh kay before I get all sentimental...My corn children are driving me absolutley nuttso today,it has been constant 'mom bellie hit me" "mom pan won't share your bed"(they watch tv in my room)"mom I want candy" "mom wynnie looked at me weird""mom,mom,mom.,mom" Finally I told them all for the rest of the night my name is bitch and if they cuss we will play smackdown!
I just thought of an essentials list that I want to post so that will be next!!!

Everday essentials for this Queen:




4)posting and surfing

5)a hot steamy shower

6) Dove Shampoo and conditioner



9)art of some kind

10)at least an hour of music

11) interaction of some kind with the outside this damn house world


13)kids home at night

14)at least one good home made meal

15)talking on the phone

16)a good massage ( two times a week at physical therapy so I am getting there)


18)flirtation(coming and going)

19)chocolate( did I mention that yet)

20)scented candles

21)big fluffy blankies

22) my two body pillows ( hey when there is no man ya gots to hold somethin)

23)warm sockies

24)hair boobers to hold the curly masses at bay

25)my watch( I have to know what time it is all the time or I go nutters)

26)the sun



29)love from my dog and purrs from my cat

30)and personally I think that an orgasm a couple of times a day would be just fabulous!

I ahve a bit of a wish list too but really the only things that I want that I don't have now, are at least three thousand dollars,a chocolate lab(real not milk) and to be thin, and to have a date now and then...wishes,wishes,wishes..I need a geni :)

trying to link

I don't know if this will work?????

Saturday, January 15, 2005


It was a strange day to begin with, I felt like I was being watched and usually this doesn't bother me but the feeling was ominous this time and NO I did not like that.
I woke up feeling like someone had been sitting on my chest,yes ladies and gentlemen I woke up mid panic attack.(God I hate that)
All that day I had cold shivers running up and down my spine,now for those of you who don't know, I do have a very keen 6th sense and I had never felt anything like this before...
I had a weird disconnected feeling all day that really bothered me and had me in quit a dither.
I could concentrate on nothing, even being at work I had this disorientated feeling and cold shivers and goosebumps and felt like I was being followed and hovered over.
I had my two youngest daughters go to sleep on the couch downstairs as my room looks into the living room and I felt that I needed them close by, my oldest daughter was like mom give me a break and she slept upstairs with the dog. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me and so I watched M*A*S*H and got some good laughs like always!!! But I still felt creeped out.I had the fan going as it was really hot and I thought okay thats cool white noise right, The bathroom light was on as usuall because my kids are afraid of the dark, I never have been until now...
Anway I turned off the tv and tossed and turned for quite a while, I finally dozed off and I woke up suddenly because I KNEW someone strange was in my room, I looked up and sideways and there hovering over my bed with his hands out was a STRANGE MAN!Well I screamed bloody murder and whipped my feet out from under the blankets and did A very good DEATH TO YOU MOTHER FUCKER kick to the mans chest, about 22 times when I realized he had disapeared into thin air....he did not fall down, he did not back up, he did not turn tail and runaway, HE FUCKING DISAPEARED INTO THIN AIR..I want to make it clear that I have been woken up a gazillion times in my sleep by those who are on the other side and it never scared me one wit.THIS terrified me to the very marrow of my soul.I got my shit together after a few miutes and turned the light on and checked the entire house just incase I was mistaken, NO mistake the MAN was not around but I could still feel his presence. So I said out loud." whoever you are, I don't know what the HELL you want but you scared the crap out of me and I don't want you to ever do that again EVER."Then I told him to go away and asked in the name of Jesus Christ my lord and savior please take this spirit away from me.
I left my bedroom light on and laid there wide awake until the break of dawn and decided that 6 am was a good time to call my sister and tell her about it. She came right over with some sea salt and candles and bells and sage and clear finger nail polish and we blessed my property and cleansed it and all that.. Everything was good for awhile and then suddenly the other night I got that feeling again and I was spooked I tell you what. I woke up at 5 am because my dog who sleeps under my covers was woofing and I had that strange person in my room knowledge again and the cats where hissing and (they hate eachother ) where both standing on me and growling and setting up a ruckus but not at eachother they where staring to the side of my bed, and sure enough there was the strange man again, only this time he was just standing there with his hands to his sides and looking at me..I was sooo freaked out because his presence was still ominous not comforting. I told him under no uncertain terms that he was to leave immediatley and never ever come back to my home, my property etc..he put up his hands like he was going to choke me and I screamed and brought up those deadly feet of mine and aimed at his chest, he dissafuckingpeared again! The cats chilled out and curled up again and the dog quit woofing but I was still very shaken and as a matter of fact I am having the hardest time typing this out right now, I have to keep going back and retype words.. ahkk..
Spirits have never ever ever scared me before, this one does and I wish that he would leave me alone. I am afraid to go to sleep at night for fear that I will wake up with him hovering over me..what to do ? What to do???

Friday, January 14, 2005

things that are taking up space in my head

I can't for the life of me get my head to stop and pause on just one thought so this may be a bit jumbled.
I can't stop thinking about several things.
1) my friend that dating disaster hero of this century, she talked to another man on the phone last night and he wants to meet her, he lives like 8 hours away and wants her to go THERE! WHAT! EXCUSE ME!! he is the MAN right, shouldn't he be driving HIS ASS here!!!! Why the hell should she go to HIM! HELLOOOOOOO
2)I can't stop thinking about buttman and how he really gets to me when he's here and I just want to throw him down and yeah well you get the point.But I can't, he says it would never work out because we are too close and I know to much about him. WHATEVER DUDE!
3)I am curious as to how things are going for Rathwel down in HARPY country, I hope he gets to spend time with his kiddos without having to deal with the Harpy too much.
4) My friends cat that I am watching looks really evil sometimes and I am thinking that his name should have been Beelzabub and not Buddah.
The thing is watching me type through the kitchen window right now.
Sometimes I think he is just to damn stupid to be evil but that could just be his cover.
5)I am in turmoil, my ex husband says he is bound to me because his new religion tells him that he is. ( oh good lord)
6)why is it that I am getting mail for my friend that moved out months ago from her mother when her mother knows that she doens't live here anymore and has her new address.( could be the drunk bitch issue)
7)Don't get me wrong I love the woman I really do
8)back to my dating hero friend, I don't understand why she is in such a goddamn hurry(pardon my language)
9)Where on earth is damn L&I check anyway?
10)god I need to do more laundry but I am just not in the mood, amazingly since I love to do laudry, I love the way it smells and feels when it comes out of the dryer and I love the way the washer and dryer sound ..okay that worked I am now in the mood.
11)Why is it that I cannot keep enough fruits and veggies in this house for the starving masses.
12)why oh why did they move friends from 13 to 10,I am on an antena here people, I miss friends!!!!
13)Do I REALLY have to ask my cousin for a loan, I think I do and I am not liking it one bit, I have never asked family for a loan and I don't want to do it now but I see no other way of getting my bills paid.
14)I have to go to physical therapy today and I don't want to go, last time(wednesday) I fubbered my back at physical therapy and now I never want to go again cuz it still hurts dammit.
15)My datiing hero friend is being really dumb right now and I know there is nothing I can do about it, I have tried and tried and she just keeps acting like a desperate fool idiot dumbass.And believe me I know she reads this and I am not afraid .
16)I read another friends blog last night and I am still giggling that she wrote that she wanted to come over here and gut my fat ass like a salmon!
( we had a huge fight) OH LOL
17)She also wrote that her current music was "denise's corn children"
oh that girl cracks me uuuuuuppppp:) I don't know what I would do without her.Life would be sooo damn dull!!
18)I want to see an end to all this war crap going on all over the damn world. Why do the leaders of some countrys want to repress there people or starve them etc. I just don't get that.....
19)I really want to give something to the tsunami victims but I have nothing.I can't give them the house I live in, how would it ever get there?
20)is that a pause?
21) it was !
22) a momentary pause in my thinking.WOO HOO!!! I love blogging!!!
23)I need to get fish food
24) I need to get cat food, before the demon buddah eats the kids
25)I need to get dog food to I think.
26) damn a hamster, a dog, two cats and four birds and three kids.
where oh where is another adult when I need one.
27)still shivering about going to physical therapy
28) where in the world is WALDO anyway
29)how would one go about raining on someones parade?
30)I can't find my creed cd and I am really miffed about it.
31)as a matter of fact I can't find a few things that I would like to be using right now. Hmm I wonder.
32) Must remember to post about the one thing that has trully terrified me, later.
33) I need to go to the store and get milk
34) that girl just isn't gonna learn until one of these guys she meets hurts her. God I don't want that to happen.
35)I wonder what GOD is doing RIGHT now?
36) Gotta go to the library and check out the hitchhikers guide to the universe.
37)while I am there try to find out info on where to find info about my house, who built it etc,( I think my great grandfather built it with his own two hands but I don't know for sure, I do know that the shed in back of my house used to be the kitchen and that there was a good size stable on the property at one time, and that alot of this town was my familys at one point. I was reading the history of marysville and found out that it was bought for 450$ WOW!!!!! That must have been a fortune back then..
I am now getting fascinated with this stuff and it never interested me before in the slightest.
38) I want to know who the unknown people in the cemetary are.
39)I want to know who was the first person buried there.
30) I want to take some famous folks to lunch. Oprah,Sylvia Browne,Chad Kroeger,Cher,Ghandi(too late),Mother Teresa (also too late),Elvis(again too late) Sean Connery,The so called president,David Lee Roth,Kermit the Frog,Keanu Reeves,Metallica(yes all of them),David Grohl,Steven spielberg,Martha Stewart ( so I can throw my hot soup at her)(yes I Know its mean but I hate her)Betty Crocker(I know I know)Aunt Jamima,(heeheehee),Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock,System of a Down,(all of them),jackie Chan,Eddie Murphy,Jennifer Aniston,The real Lestat,Anne Rice (of course)
Chuck Berry,Bet Middler,Slash,Cobey Briant,Ricker,The Roc,Vin Diesel(oh god yeah!!!)Carol King,and to top of the list, THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND(cuz us queens should get together!)

Thursday, January 13, 2005

guest book

Thankyou for stopping by and checking out my blog.
Please feel free to sign my guest book its on the sidebar under links!!!!
Have a great day/night and please come again!!!!!

searching hopefully

I am trying to research the history of my home.It was built in the early 1900's and has been in the family the entire time, I would like to know all about it but I can't seem to find anything online. Does anyone have any suggestions????? Please,Please,Please.........

what I am not!

I am not :
!) a liar
2) a slut
3) skinny
4) cheap
5)in a hurry
6)fond of war or fighting of any kind
7)in agreance with the government
8) tactless
12)a cheater
13)a thief
14) stong of muscle
15) weepy
16) pretty
22)full of shit
27) a disaster
28) worthless
29)an asshole
30) egosentric
33) A bitch
34) insincere
35) anyones enemy
36) angry
38) demeaning
39) bashful
40) boastful
41) glitzy
42) hard to please
43) glamorous
44) a rock star
45) sick
46) powerful
47) queen of the world (dammit)
48) sleazy
49) stingy
50) simple

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the drama of a mama

Oh lord please do help me! My oldest daughter informed today that she and her boyfriend had broken up on the way home from school..Reason>because he grabbed her breast very hard and squeezed it til it hurt very bad.. so she pushed him away and he said to her " maybe we should just not go out anymore if I can't even touch you" aparently he has been grabbing at her and she had been pushing him away and it escalated. And come to find out about a week ago he kicked her in the shin, she has a bruise, I have seen it.. Sooo I am very angry now at this point and my stomach is doing this weird (feels like a scooby doo ending taking place) thingy and I go over to his house(they live right next door) to talk to his mother ( wonderful hispanic woman who is just the shit!) and discover that my daughter has been hitting him too..Well no wonder I say if he is grabbing at her and won't stop and is hurting her! Hit all you want at that point darling!!!! So we get it all worked out and the kids know that they are not aloud to date anymore and they are to keep there hands to themselves PERIOD!!!! I am very miffed about the entire situation still however, I left my oldest daughters father because he thought I was a punching bag who was to do his absolute bidding etc.. I don't want my Pan thinking that this kind of behavior is okay. When she told me about the kicking thing I asked her why she didn't say anything at the time and she said because he apologized she let it go and figured it was alright...NO! NO! NO! NEVER!!!!!EVER!!!!!EVER!!!!!
This is not alright and we have had along discussion about these things now. I still haven't told her why I split from her father when she was just a baby. How do you tell your child that you left because the man who sired her threw metal tipped darts at you an almost hit her while she swung in her swing innocently sleeping, and had to go to hospital to have dart removed and still have scarr from it. How pray do I tell this child that her father broke my sternum and I still have problems with it aching even now damn near 14 years later. How do I tell this child that I only left after the dart incident because I didn't want her to get hurt. I didn't care about me. I cared about her.. How then can I explain why I care now about me and that I would never let another man or woman even hit me without them getting seriously injured themselves for doing it.But I didn't think of ME at the time...I am going to have to ponder this some more.
She is only 13 and a half and I don't plan on telling her any of this yet as she never sees the guy or hears from him anyway. I figured when she was 18 and she went looking for him that I would tell her then...I don't know if I should though.. UG.. back to the point though. I am trully upset that she didn't come to me with this and I had to go at her like a bulldog digging for a bone..It was like pulling teeth to get it out of her.. I did tell her that she needs to tell me or someone when these kinds of things happen... God I pray that she pays attention and that she speeks up next time......arrrgghhhhh...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

my thieving daughters

I cannot believe what happeded today! My dad comes over and asks me where Pan is. I tell him that she is upstairs and he says get her and come over to the house RIGHT NOW! So we go over there and I am informed that Pan(my oldest daughter) while shopping with Gram yesterday instructed my youngest daughter to open her purse.She then placed a 20 $ sterling silver ring in said purse. She also apperently thieved a pair of underwear and a spray candy thingy.How we found out about this is that Wynnie (youngest daughter) had left her purse at Grams and gram opened it to see whos purse it was,and discovered the stolen property,when wynnie got home from school she went to Grams and was asked about it.
So off we go to the store to make the girls give back the merchandise and apologize for what they had done. We get to the store and the manager was very nice yet firm with the girls letting them know the seriousness of the crime, then he informs us that the ring may actually belong to the store next door but that he knows the manager and will take care of it.
Man I am so upset, I don't know what to say to these corn children!!!!!!
I of course lectured them and so did everyone else including there dad who I went a picked up this evening. And I let them know that If I ever got a call from a store that one of them had gotten caught stealing that I would have them go to Juvey. I will not pick them up, I will not make it right! THEY WILL!!!! I think wynnie got the point and she is only 8. Pan on the other hand has sticky fingers and this has been an issue for some time.
They have both lost privleges and all that, I just think there might be something else I can do to get it through there heads, I just don't know what that might be.... UG.......