The celebrations start tomorrow

I am ready!!! This christmas might just turn out to be a good one! Well its already the best ever because the girls are here!! They have some presents for under the tree which I think they will be pleased with. I know a few of the things they are getting from other people too that I KNOW will make them very happy indeed! We were gifted a tree and the cats broke it, but I fixed it with a strategically placed book. It is beautiful! I am excited for tomorrow, we are going to my moms. Oooh that reminds me I need to call her to see when we are going to costco, She is buying lots of food for me to make for her party tomorrow. It should be lots of fun, I think a lot of people will be showing up to it that I haven't seen in an ever. Super excited for Saturday too, I had the idea of my sister and I each buying a gingerbread house and we are going to have a contest. Parents against kids!! We are so gonna ice them!! hahahahaa. Merrry Christmas and Festive Yule to all!!

feeling the pain

Seriously hating FM flare up. This just truly sucks. Being in constant pain that nothing can take away just reeks.
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to type, it hurts to sit, to stand, to lay down. It hurts just to feel my heart beating.
I don't know where this flare up came from. Usually something happens to trigger it. I have been so careful of the usual things. I feel like I have no life other then this pain. It stops me from doing so much. Just yuck

Stress

I am so beyond stressed out!!! I hate having these issues with Jim and money. I wish he would get off his lazy ass and get a job!!! I look and look for one for myself and he does nothing. Just lays around doing NOTHING.
I can't breathe

Going forward

The job hunt isn't going so well. I have to admit I am not putting much effort in though. With the holidays I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to start a job two days before christmas. I would much rather wait until January, how ever that isn't going to help my pocket book. I have so many bills to pay and HE has no income to speak of so is no help what so ever. It really is very draining on everything to have him here. But I still can't find it with in my heart to make him leave when its so dang cold outside and the big holdiays coming up. I have yet to talk to his sister to see if he can stay there. I just do not want to take care of him. I can't afford to take care of him. I am thinking he needs more help then I can give. He has some almost dementia type things happening. I am thinking it won't be long and he will need to be in a home. I can't take care of him, not with out getting paid. I know that sounds terrible. But I can't afford to take care of him being on ss myself. Even when I find employment I can't afford the total care of an adult man, and ontop of it I am having to do all the work of caring for an adult man. I cook, clean, remind him to shower, remind him of appointments, take him to appointments. I can't leave him at home alone without having anxiety attacks because I am afraid he will leave the stove on... He has an appointment with ss this week, I wish I could talk to them. He doesn't ever say what needs to be said. He literally drank away most of his functioning brain cells. The strokes he has had have not helped that situation at all. I know they are going to say he doesn't qualify. If they spent even 24 hours with him they would have a VERY different opinion. Possibly even want to put him in a home. How do I make something like that happen. Who do we go to?

November 29th 2011

Well thanksgiving has come and gone. It was awesome had all three of my kids here plus my grand daughter and son in law, nephew bug, and then my sister and the rest of her family stopped in for desert and to deliver a christmas tree!!! Its been interesting having the kids here for so long after five years of them living with their dad for school. I LOVE IT!!!
Lynn and I are discovering boundaries. She is at the age of figuring out who she is and who she wants to be so there are times when the attitude needs to be turned down. She will grow out of it. Christmas is going to be awesome in many ways. We have a beautiful tree and lights already. There will be home made gifts only under our tree. I hope that goes over okay with the girls. I want them to understand that Yule is about much more then they ever knew before. Its not about Jesus or God in this house. I know it is in their dads so I will respect their beliefs completely. But I don't have money to pay for gifts in true christian fashion. I am pagan and I celebrate this time of year a bit differently then most people. I want the girls to learn about it and see that it isn't evil. They can make up their own minds as to what religion or faith they wish to follow. If any.
This should be a lesson in respect and open mindedness for all of us!! I am very excited about sharing my beliefs with the girls. Now that they are old enough to trully understand. I won't shove it down their throats. I never have. And if they don't want to hear about it they don't have to, but they will respect my faith as I respect theirs.

Happy Yule to you and yours

Decision

I have made a very difficult decision to break it off with Jim. My heart is breaking but it must be done. I just need to let him go. I can't take care of him anymore. He is forty years old and capable of taking care of himself and as long as I am doing it all for him and as long as he expects me too, and I do have to keep doing things, I have two kids who live here too and things have to get done. He will never change, he will never take control of his life and his unemployment situation. I love Jim, but everything that I am doing for him is actually hurting him and my kids, and me. I can't go into debt any more then I already am. I wish things were different. I love him and I need him to leave before I hate and resent him.

health

I am retaining water again, no matter what I do it won't go away.
Its hard to breathe again. I have a Dr. appointment on friday because that was the soonest I could get in.
I am still waiting for a referral to the cardiologist. I just want all this to stop, I want to feel good for the last half of my life. The first half I have felt like crap, soemthing is always wrong with me, or something always hurts. I want to feel good and have energy like normal people