Thursday, March 31, 2005


Terri Shiavo
I have lighted a candle to honor your strength and courage.
To thank you for the lessons you have so gracefully taught in your silence.
With each drip of the white wax a prayer goes up to you in heaven and out to your family and friends who will miss your bright luminescence.May God keep you in his warm and loving embrace.

If you can please light a candle for this incredible woman who gave so much enlightenment to so very many.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Its a get a tattoo kind a day!

Today was an eventful day!
Went to breakfast with BIB and Pan.Pan was suspended from school again for two days. The child is on a roll and I don't know what to do about that.Still hoping that things will get better on that score...
Then went and paid some bills with BiB and we took some stuff out to my sister T and then we all three went and got matching tattoos! I am going to spell this wrong so please forgive me. It is a symbol called a triqutra.It is the symbol for the power of three. T and BiB and I all feel that we are very connected. Bib is T and I's soul sister if you will.And we are also all natural witches.So it just fits us. We are all very happy with the tattoos and have been thanking eachother since we got um.It was interesting to see how we all handled getting poked. I just sat there.BiB put her head down on the chair and after a bit almost fell asleep.T just sat there and chatted on and on as is usual for her.While I was getting stabbed she kept trying to make me laugh which would have been very bad indeed! The Bitch!!!!!
Anyway. T is buying my car and I can't wait to get out of here and get onto the beach!
When I got home I discovered that my children had found a stray or lost puppy.She is sooo adorable, she is mocha colored and looks to be a husky shepard mix.Very sweet too.
I am going to make sure she doesn't belong to anyone. And if she doesn't she is going to belong to us! Bibs wants her and stuff but my kids found her and begged to keep her if she doesn't have a family already. I have never been able to resist an animal of any kind ever. I have had sooo many pets its unbelievable.I even got into trouble once for trying to help a dog.My neighbor called the cops on me because she said I stole her dog! I didn't know it was her dog. How am i supposed to know who owns a dog five frickin houses away...
Anyway that is a post for another time.Suffice it to say I have a record as a dog thief third degree:)
Now I must go and do some reading and hopefully some comment posting. Much love to everyone.:)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Guest needed

Okay I have decided that I would like to have a guest blogger or two to help fill in the gap while I am on the road and stuff. I can't decide who to ask. Soooo I am asking you. Would anyone like to be a guest blogger here? And who would you like to see fill the spot? If you would like to guest blog, please tell why. I may not be able to make this decision on my own so please comment here as I may have to have a vote!
Ohhh this is fun, I can't wait to see what happens!!!!!!!

Monday, March 28, 2005

Please Click HERE!

For an important cause please click the link and read this post at twinsmom. Her daughter had a bad injury due to a certain crib/bed. She is trying to get the word out. The company will not take responsibility and they haven't issued a recall. The crib/ bed is a popular brand sold at Wal*Mart. If you have small children or know anyone who does, please read this post.

Sunday, March 27, 2005


I have had the busiest four days of my life I think!
I had Easter dinner on Saturday with all my birth family.Mom came up from Olympia on Friday and stayed with me for the weekend wich was a first! ANd Saturday my sister T and her guy D came with the kids R and M. And My bro Sev and his lady Tr. and the boys Ex and Droo. And of course BIB came for the dinner, Did a bunch of packing and moving trying to get her out of her apartment and gave a bunch of my plants and my bookcase that my Uncle G built in highschool shop class and my twenty long fish tank with fish to T and D.
The bookcase went with the stipulation that if they ever where going to give it away or didn't want it it is to go to my parents or they can ship it to me.
BIB gave T and D and snowvhite and K a bunch of stuff and sold them some really nice furniture for a 1oo bucks for everything. Today I went to BIB's and helped her pack some more stuff out to T and D's along with big plants from my house. MY huge jungle has dwindled down to five lonely plants. Mom took some home as well. After BIB had to go to work I kept her truck and she took my car and I went over to her apartment with T and D and loaded up more stuff. Then they had to leave and so I took a bit of a break and went back to BIB's place and packed and cleaned and OMIGOD I am sooo tired and worn out. Then T and D where able to come back and D loaded up the truck again. I am sitting here now taking a bit of a break. BIB's just called and she is getting me a happy meal. Then we are going to go back over I think and finish up the last bit.There is not much to do. She has an antique tea pot set that is oriental dragons and is beautiful. I refused to touch it! IF she breaks it packing it and moving it etc then she can't kill me! So we have to get her tea pots and her cats and pack up a bit in her room and that is all she wrote until tomarrow when we take a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. TIred. So. Tired.....
I have so much to do tomarrow too. I have to help BIB's then I have a teacher conference to attend. I have to make a bunch of calls and find a document that has escaped me. I have to go through clothes and linens, I was supposed to have done that already but have been to busy. I need to do laundry and some cleaning. I have to put an add in the paper for birds and hammster and my car!
Damn to much to do so little time. I will probably have to jump on line to see what I am supposed to do, because tomarrow I will have forgotten!!!!!
I hope everyone had a lovely Easter filled with family, fun, and candy:)
Thankyou all for your lovely Easter wishes on my last post.....

Friday, March 25, 2005



Wednesday, March 23, 2005


Apperently I am irrational and I am on a whim. According to my father anyway. Oh yes, I am not thinking of my children and I am not providing a good environment for them. And for some reason I won't be putting them in school when I get to Florida. This is amazing to me. Oh yes AND to top it all off, they are not evicting me it is my choice to be moving out. Well okay thats not what I got from my mom telling me that things were going to change when they got home. That it was a hard decision, that they needed to sell the house. That told me that I needed to figure out where the hell me and my three cobblings where going to live. So that is what I did. And know he is telling me not to blame them for my decision. Who said anything about blame? I know they need money, I know they are selling the house to get that money. I am not angry with them for what they need to do to survive for themselves. Why does there have to be blame. Why is it that I am being told that I need medication, that I am irrational and on a whim. If they are going to miss there grandchildren why can't they just say that. Instead of saying things that make me feel like crap. It was so strange too. Right before my dad called I was talking to BIB about the move, and this very very hot young man came to the door. He is an real estate agent and there is someone who wants to buy the houses and the property. The house isn't even on the market as of yet. This is a word of mouth kind of thing going on. And the guy gave me his card and went to leave and before he even got in his car my dad called. Before he could start in on me I gave him the info to get ahold of the hot young man who sells houses. Anyway. I took this occurence as just one more sign that I am doing what I am supposed to do. I just need to have faith in God. I know he will not lead me down the wrong path.And if my dad thinks I am irrational and I need medication. Well maybe he should just talk to god about it.Of course if I told my dad that he would tell me that I am a hippie and a lunatic. Not that he doesn't believe in god. Just that he thinks that god just lets us wander with no direction. I believe god guides us, all we gotta do is pay attention and do.I want so much for my parents to be supportive of me and my choices. I know now that this is never going to happen. Even when I had decided to go back to school my dad told me it was a dumb idea. I just don't get it. Why are they afraid of my success, why does it seem like they want me to fail. Everything I do is wrong. None of my accomplishments have ever been remotely recognized. I just don't understand it. I don't want to be around it anymore. I feel that it is right for me to go to Florida and I feel it is the right thing for my children. If I didn't think it was the right thing to do I wouldn't go. I have put it off for years and have gotten no where, well I have been in circles, God is leading the way on this and I am following......

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Please click the link!

BIB sent this to me and I wanted to share with everyone!

getting prepared

Well things are getting busy around here, and they are certainly falling into place. Things are just happening and with each thing my confidence grows and so does my faith. I have been trying to reach my parents for a few days now and I am having no luck. I called and left a message that we are moving to Florida May 7th and I still have't gotten a response.I called my sister and she said she thinks they went on a short trip elsewhere. With no money????
Hmm owell. Anyway, My sister the rat kid was actually supportive of my going.
I know that the folks are going to tell me that I am being stupid. I can just hear my dad now. " Denise this is the dumbest idea you have ever had." " If you take those kids to Florida I will never speak to you again!" ANd my mom will be like.
" Why are you punishing me?" ANd then I will be told that I am using them and that I am abusing them and that I am a piece of shit.
I know how the conversation is going to go and I don't even want to have it.
It is the same conversation we have every time we argue over anything.
( I was a horrable teenager!) ( No really I was dreadful I don't know how any of us survived)
Everytime they don't agree with something I want to do or have done they yell at me about what an asshole I am. Or how stupid I am. Or how they never should have adopted me. Or wish they didn't know me.
My dad is the one that says most of that. My mom tells me I am abusing her and punishing her for being a terrible mother. I can't stand this kind of thing any more. I don't want to deal with the negativity. They do have a totally different relationship with my sister The rat kid. They didn't adopt her she is there flesh and blood. Snowvhite herself has seen the differences in how they treat us. Many of my friends and even friends of my parents have seen this.
Many have commented on it to me. I am not sure what the difference is. Granted The rat kid didn't give them as much grief as a teenager as I did, But I also had no identity. I had no idea who I took after and why I was so different in so many ways then my parents. I had no Idea who I looked like or where I got my character traits. I do now! I met my birth mother when I was 20 years old.
I have slowly become more sure of myself and who I am after meeting her. But when I was a teenager I had nothing to base anything on and I was SOO different from my family that I felt like an outsider in my own home. I hated going to family gatherings because even there. without intention our extended families treated me differently then my sister. Almost like they didn't know what to do with me. I was very uncomfortable alot of the time and my mom took it to mean that I hated her family. Which of course I did not. I love them all very very much. I just didn't feel accepted. I felt more accepted with my dads side I think because they are a more openly loving bunch. They saw that I was a person and they loved me and I knew they loved me. My moms side is quiter with there affections and they still are. Although I have a few cousins who are huggers and some who when intoxicated are quite friendly! Anyway...
I digress. My fingers are tired from typing and I lost my train of thought with that last sentence.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Watch Out Florida Cobblings Are Coming!

I was looking things up on the internet last night with BiB. We are definatley going to Pensacola. I talked to Derek again today because I have some reservations. Sometimes it is hard for me to have complete faith in anyone or anything. I told him I was nervous that things might not work out and my children and I would be far far away from family and friends and homeless. He was a bit offened and told me that I would never be homeless. I told him what am I going to go live with your mom and you in Miss.(In the back ground his mom was saying that he was damn straight I would never have to worry about that) He said. If it comes down to it Denise you and your kids will be moved right in here. PERIOD! I agree with cedia. Derek is my earthly angel of the month! Heck probably the rest of this year. With everything that is going on and the new things I have heard about myself from my parents I really feel like a lowly piece of shiot right now. Like I don't deserve to even breathe the same air as some "special" people who are "better" then me.Uhg. I hate it when I get like this. I can't hardly stand myself. And I allow what other people say, especially my parents , to get to me. I hate being depressed.
I am starting to feel better though. Knowing that soon I will be far away from the parents. Knowing that I will be in sunshine. Knowing that I will be near my very best friend in the whole damn world. Knowing that my other best friend in the whole damn world is coming with me! I will miss my Roni Veggie Snowvhite though.
That girl is my sister. She is a part of my soul. Maybe she can come visit me though huh. I will miss being in familiar territory. I will miss being able to have dinner with my sister and D. I will miss my parents and my other sister. I will especially miss Kajun, Buddah, Jake. Sunset, Cha Cha lamone, Skyler, and Hershey.
I can only take my dog. So 7 beloved pets must be left behind. Given to good homes of course. Buddah will probably go back to my friend. Kajun will go to my sister hopefully for good. And the birds will go back to the pet store more then likely. I am going to put adds in the paper for them and the hershey. My sister is going to take my fishtank. I am going to miss knowing where I am going!
It will be an adventure that is for sure. Learning the area of Pensacola. From what it says on the internet there are alot of things to do there for fun for the kids and even the adults.
BiB is excited that there is a naval station there! That girl loves a man in uniform!!!!!!!!! I am getting excited about it and that in itself is helping to lift the ugliness of this downer I am on.
I know life is about taking chances and I am going to Take a leap of faith.As Wanda and many of my friends have suggested.I am afraid. But I am also comfortable. It is hard to explain. I feel...
I feel relaxed.
I feel curious.
I do hope that I am doing the right thing. The only way to find out is to do it.
Have a great evening everyone and a fantastic tomarrow.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

this may not make much sense right now

This may not make much sense I am pretty stressed out at the moment.
With everything else that is going on. I have learned not but two hours ago that I have to move. Yes thats right move. My parents need to sell because they have no momey left.
So here I am. A kid in crisis. A mom in crisis. My parents in crisis. Depression Tsunami washing over me again and again and again. I keep fighting my way to the surface just to have another wave crash over my face and I haven't even had time to get a breath.
I found out yesterday that I may not receive any more money from L& I for a month or longer because she has to go over all the information and that will take longer then expected seeing as I can't get into my Doctor. I called Buttman tonight in tears. He said to me don't worry hunny. You just gather up all the money that you can. sell all your shit. give away all the pets exept one cat and one dog. Get in your car and drive your happy ass to Florida. He said it would all be covered. Nej wants to go with me. The kids want to go to. They are excited about it even. I don't like giving up everything I own to go into the unknown. Going where things may not work out there either. And then I am sooo far away from home. I am so confused and so aggitated with my parents. They weren't going to tell me until they came home from Arizona at the end of April. And they only planned on giving me twenty days. Which is bull shit in this state you have to give thirty days notice.I am running in circles and there is no kind smelling of peanut butter cookies grandma to come swoop me up and hold me until the spins go away. And then to tell me to walk in a straight line because things always come in clearer that way.
I am having a bit of trouble with this two because just a few days ago I asked God for some kind of sign that I should move down there. and Derek had just been praying about what he should do. He needed some he could trust. someone who knows the business. And I needed a place to go. Not a half hour after I talk to my mom,(Derek was saying his prayers around this same time) I called Derek Pannicking. Crying. shaking. feeling REALLY low and told him and when he told me not to worry I knew what he was going to say. And I know it is a sign from God that it is what should be happening. And It feels right and calm and comfortable. But at the same time it is scary. and for many reasons.
I have my support systems here in this area. I know where I am going. I have family and friends here. I know where to go if I need help with something. I know my neighbors.
IN Florida there are things like hurricans and tornadoes and BIG UGLY BUGS! Snakes don't bother me at all even the poisioness kind. I would just call the snake catchers cuz I don't want my cat or my dog to be on the menu, and I certainly dont want a bigger snake to try to make a meal of one of my kids. I really HATE BUGS! I think I would like Pensacola all right it is just that I am not good with meeting new people in person unless I feel an instant connection to them. Which I do quite often. I just don't know. I t is just so drastic. Maybe what I need is drastic. Maybe I NEED to get away from the support system, from the familiar. Maybe I could work with animal cops down there. That woud be cool. I could do that. I can push paper. I can feed animals. I don't have a squeemish stomach I can assist in some surgeries. See I am already making plans to do it. I guess I am really leaning more towards Florida then any where else. I have been talking about it for like 6 years with Derek. He is my absolute best friend and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. Hell lately I don't know how I have managed without some of the folks I have met right here at I sure have lucked out in that area.
You know I do think this is very theraputic. My head feels less fuzzy and more ready for sleep. I don' t know when I will post or comment again. Things are very sporadic around here. I read when ever I get a chance simply because I can't stand the thought of abadoning some of you who are having dilemas too. I can' t stand the thought that I might miss and opportunity to be there for someone as so many have been here for me.
I wish you all well and I hope that your lives are running smoother then mine.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


I am sorry I really am. I just have to take some time. I may post I may not. I may comment here and there I may not. I am sinking into a deep depression. It is rolling over me like monstrous waves and I don't want to depress anyone else. I just need to tuck my head into the sand and snap out of it. I have snowvhite here so if it gets to bad she knows what to do.
Anyway. I hope you all are much better then I am at this point and I thank all of you who have really been here for me. I appreciate all the advice and thoughtful concern.
I am going to be trying to get Pan and myself some help so I may not be around much. If at all. Don't forget me if I don't come back........

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Thankyou everyone who commented on my last post. Your comments where so thoughtful and insightful. I will be checking into all the suggestions tomarrow. Thankyou Stuart for your lovely email to me. Two of the cobblings stayed home from school today as they where feeling pretty crappy. I myself am still feeling a bit under the weather, I am begining to think it is stressed induced along with alleregies. I need a vacation to somewhere warm and tropical. If I won the lottery right now, I would hire a nanny and go to Fiji for a month. I would swim in warm waters with beautiful fish and sealife. I would lay on white sand beaches and get a tan so I would no longer have reflective skin. I would get ten massages a day from beautiful fijian folks and I would drink the most delicious fruity tropical alchoholic beverages I could find! Heck I might never come home! Ah to dream is a wonderful thing. Thankyou god for giving me such a vivid imagination. I can almost smell those delicious fruity tropical alchoholic beverages now. Feel the sun burn my skin, feel the warm water soothing away all my stress and pain. MMMMM!

Dl I am glad that you are feeling better and that your cat is getting better too. That pic of that tree was awesome!
barbara: God loves you and does not bring you pain because you have sin in your life.
Things happen in this life just because that is life. We all have sin, everyone of us and god loves us anyway. No matter what religion we follow or don't follow.
And you are one of the strongest people I have ever come across. You just haven't realized it yet:)

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Going Crazy

I am going absolutely crazy nutters insane!!!
I don't know what to do about my kid, she is doing a bit better today. But last wednesday she got suspended from school for throwing salad on another table of girls and she refused to clean it up and then went crazy and had to be restrained and she cussed and fought the security guard and the police officer who works at the school. She went back to school yesterday. She had to write an essay about why she was ready to go back and all that and that she would do her classwork etc. and that she wouldn't freak out anymore. She has new cuts on her and I just don't know what to do. Then my youngest lynnie, comes down and informs me that Pan asked her to hump her. Then later the next day Bellie and lynnie both came down stairs and said that Pan was flashing them her private parts. What the FUCK am I supposed to do with this child. She flat out refuses to go to a counselor. I just am at a loss. I feel that things might get worse and she might be a threat to her sisters.
She hits them all the time. But worse is the sexuall stuff. That really really bothers me. I don't want to send my daughter away because I don't want her to feel like I don't love her. I don't want her to feel abondoned. But at the same time I feel like I need to protect my younger girls . And I feel like I am a terrible mother for wanting to send Pan away some where. I have no clue where. I have been told that I need to call cps and have her go to foster care for sexually agressive youth. Thats just it though, she's not agressive. She has issues. She hurts herself and everyone else. She will just walk up behind her sisters and smack them HARD for no reason what so ever. I was the oldest sister and I tortured my little sister but never ever did I HURT her like Pan has hurt her sisters. I don't think its normal and I hold that it is unacceptable in my home. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I am spinning in circles of hopelessness here. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?????

Monday, March 14, 2005

Comments Post

I have been unable to post comments to some of the blogs that I read daily so I decided to post them here.
dl: The Notebook sounds like a great movie I keep hearing great things about it . As for pookie, you are right, she will figure it out very quickly!
cedia: my passion is the work I can no longer do because of my back. I used to be a caregiver. And of course my kids too! I loved your post on the F word! Brilliance just plane brilliance:)
boabhan: Men are like marshmellows, they don't do anything until you light a fire under them :) Anonymous commenters aren't all assholes! Your new newphew is beautiful:)
blue lp: I love your blog and will check periodically on your semi retirement.
babydufus: I think I might just be going your way:)
pep: Breathe! Honey - just breathe! you can handle it, and it WILL get better:)
Jay: How very imformative of you! I like Jolly Ranchers instead of cough drops:) and I am sticking with Hawaii as my destination suggestion. Hell I'll even take time out of my not so busy schedule and go along:):):)
My dear friend of Nanas Sweet peas: June 10th I will have my long hair cut short and donate it to locks of love in your moms name. I am glad that you have a YAY of the day now, its good to see the positive in even the little things that happen each day. Much love and prayers to you and your mom.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

moment to spare

I just have a few minutes online. there is alot going on right now. I will post about it at another time. Hopefully tomarrow night. I miss reading blogs and posting on mine and its only been a day! I am so hopelessly addicted to blogging. ty everyone for comments on my last post. I haven't had a chance to read anyone or leave comments or anything. I hope when I have more time to do all of the above. I love you guys, have an awsome day :)

Thursday, March 10, 2005

blogger is hell right now!

Okay I don't know what is up with blogger right now, but I can't leave a comment anywhere. and even when I try to email from blogger it doesn't let me! TOO frustrating. I am wondering if I will even be able to post. Is blogger trying to get us to pay for this service?I certainly hope not. Blogger is the best place I have seen so far and I enjoy doing this, I hope there are just some kind of bugs running around blogger system and they are trying to work them out. Anybody got a can of internet RAID!
I am not ignoring anybody, I am reading at all my usuall spots. I will try to comment everywhere I go and hope that I am succesful. If I don't comment on your spot, its only because I wasn't able to not because I didn't visit and didn't want to. Love you all and I wish everyone a great day!
Hopefully the gods of blogger will get the kinks worked out. Maybe they should try a steam iron:)

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Borrowed from Cedia, borrowed from Darth

I live: with kids
I work:at changing
I talk:to much sometimes
I wish:for peace of mind
I enjoy: cooking
I look:for the positive
I must:get sex!
I forget:everything
I find:your smile
I smell: roses
I listen: to small voices
I hide: from clowns
I pray: for lost souls
I walk: a fine line between sanity and insanity
I write: letters to neighbors
I see: spirits
I sing: loudly and mostly off key!
I laugh:alot
I left: to abusive husbands
I won:a jar of jelly beans in 3rd grade
I can: carry eight bags of groceries, a baby,my purse,a soda, my keys, an unlock the door and open it!
I own: my mind
I watch: people
I yearn: to touch a star
I daydream: by the minute
I fall:in love at the drop of a hat
I want: to be skinny
I cry: at stupid stuff
I burn:with desire
I read: Anne Rice
I love: my children
I rode: a huge german shepard when I was two
I sometimes: dance or play in the rain
I touch: carefully
I hurt: constantly
I fear: war
I hope: My children and grandchildren inheret an earth that is not a desert waste land
I use: garlic in everything
I break: glass. plates, etc,just trying to wash them or looking at them fuuny
I eat: brussels sprouts! YUMMI!
I quit: smoking for two years once
I bathe: with soap
I still: love my first boyfriend
I drink: Mt. Dew!
I stop: cruelty
I save: the lost
I lost: so much that I have cherished
I take:pens from everywhere
I trip out: when I can't find my kids!
I hug: my kids and everything and everyone else that I possibly can, I am a touchy feely huggy kind of person
I play: nicely,( promise)
I miss: my grandpa louis
I hold: my kids
I forgive: R.S.c. for what he did to my kids
I drive: a red 88 subaru which I love
I learn: everyday
I dream: strange dreams
I have:told the future
I remember: when I was born my birth mother held me and told me she loved me and to find her if something happend and she couldn't get me back from foster care.She kissed me and told me to remember and I did.
I don't: deceive
I like: living
I made: myself better
I kiss: with all my heart and soul
I believe: in god, heaven, angels, and magic
I wait: for redemtion
I need: a breast reduction
I owe: gratitude
I hate: no one
I feel: squishy
I can't: dance in front of people
I know: what I have learned so far
I applaud: those who fight for what they believe in
I am: beautiful
I figure:Everyone and everything has a spirit, a soul, we will all end up in heaven eventually because god is love and he will forsake no one.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Here I am, I think?!?

I am not sure what is going on with me, I can't seem to stay well. I now have a terrible cold and just want to lay down and die!
I did absolutely nothing yesterday, not even laundry, which I desperatley need to get done.Had a great time on Sunday meeting Cowboy Joe Cool! He is very nice and much taller then he looks in pictures.We had a good time going out for coffee, I would have like to stay longer but snowvhite needed to come home and get some sugar, no she is not diabetic, she is just addicted to candy :)
I would love to meet everyone of my blogger friends actually.
Who knows maybe someday I will make it to Texas and Oklahoma.Or maybe even Scottland! That would be awesome, I have always wanted to visit Scottland.Anyway, not much is going on and I am not feeling well,I think I need to go to the Doctor and find out why I am always sick.I think it might be the weird weather we have been having, and this could actually be allergies/hay fever because it is early spring around here and there is alot of pollen in the air.Anyway I need to go check out what everyone has been up to and maybe find some new folks to visit! Hope everyone has a spectacular day:)

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Not so much

Well there's just not much interesting going on right now. So I have decided to post another list. Things I like, not so much!
1) Goolash , sometimes its good sometimes its not.
2) T.p. very useful stuff, but not when the kids or the cats decide it is a toy to be strown about everywhere.
3) Eggs, mostly yummi, but sometimes just looking at a raw egg makes me want to puke.
4) Pet Birds, I love the sound of the little guys, and they are quite entertaining to watch. But my god they are messy.
5) House plants, I love the way they look, I love how the dirt smells after being watered. But sometimes it is just a pain in the ass to take care of all of them. I have alot, and for some insane reason I keep buying more or making new ones with cuttings.
6) This contraption, Yes it keeps me connected to the world and sometimes I wonder what I ever did without it, but then on the other hand it has become an addiction.
7) Smoking cigs, god I love smoking, but damn does it stink, and its messy and dirty and just plain nasty.
8) Soap, Good stuff, keeps a body clean. Now if they could just make soap that doesn't disintegrate after one shower I would be happy indeed, and lets not forget about soap scum (ew)!
9) Grass in my yard. I love it when it is green. I love the smell of it. I do not however enjoy mowing it and I keep putting it off.
10) My kids. I love them more then life itself, sometimes I just wish they would be quite and clean, just for a day no drama of any kind. (Calgon take them away!)( okay no one take my kids, it will be like signing your death warrant!!!!!!)
11) Dishes, I love washing dishes. problem, My hands are very dry right now.
12) clothes. Great for keeping a body warm AND stacking up in the laundry room.
13) Windows, great for looking out of, not soo great that people can see in!
14) Having pets.I love the little things but damn they are getting expensive.
15) electricity, great for reading, great for powering this contraption, great for hot water. Not so great for the ol wallet!

Okay there are some things I like, Not so much!
HAve a great day everyone!!!!!!

Friday, March 04, 2005


Thankyou everyone for your comments on my last post. It was a very scary and heart stopping kind of situation. Lynie walked her happy ass down the road about 5 blocks to a friends house that I wasn't aware she had! And the girls mother took her to the pet store and then went back to her house and was going to give her dinner, but when she pulled in there where police everywhere and they asked her her name and she said yes thats me and they asked if it was lynie that was in her van and she said yes and was quite confused as to what was going on as lynie had told her that she was dropped off by her oldest sister. Which was of course not true. The woman stopped by yesterday to explain to me what had happened on her end of the deal and I told her that if any of my kids showed up there without me taking them that she was to bring them home! She said absolutely and we let the kids know that it would be the same with her daughters. If they want to play that is totally cool, but the MOMS will know where the KIDS are!
There has been so much going on lately. And now I can't be online like I was before because my 13 year old is on house detention for 14 days.Which means the police call after three up til about ten on weekdays, randomly, and on weekends anywhere from 7am to midnight. Also said child skipped school today so I had to call some people, I don't know what they will do now. I can't let her get away with it though. It won't do her any good to get away with it. If I want whats best for my child, I have to report her to athorities and that breaks my heart. She is the one making the choice though. I woke her up this morning, and she said she was getting up. I had to take her sisters to get there eyes checked and then to school. When I got back Pan was still here. Not Good.
I don't know what else to do. She has an appointment for counseling on Monday. I am hoping that maybe talking to someone on the outside of the situation will help her to deal with her demons. She says she can't talk to me. Okay, then I will make sure she has SOMEONE to talk to that can help her. Evidently she doesn't need or want her mom to know some stuff and that is fine and understandable I didn't want my mom to know things when I was her age, I remember that, God it seems like it was just yesterday! I just wish the kid would go to school. I hated school to but I went. I didn't pass every class , I was bored out of my mind, the teacher went WAY to slow for my satisfaction. Pan says some classes are to easy and some are to hard. Boy I hear that, my math teacher couldn't go slow enough, my biology teacher needed to let me go at my own pace, I would have finished that in a week. I am still terrible at math and love sciences of all kinds. geography etc. I know that everyone has there strengths and weaknesses likes and dislikes. But we all had to go to school and so does she.
I just don't know how to get her to go. Any suggestions?
Now that a rambled on and on about that and probably repeated myself to an annoying extent!
Hmm gotta go grocerie shopping and get stuff for dinner.
Hope you all have a great day! :)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The best gift for my birthday came straight from god, disguised as the return of my temporarily missing youngest daughter

Yesterday my birthday was going pretty good, nothing exciting happend, until the kids got home from school. all was normal, until about 5:00. Lynie, my youngest daughter who is 8 got some money in the mail from Grandma. She was excited about this and wanted to tell her sisters who were out gathering donations for the JUMP ROPE FOR HEART thing. I told her she needed to wait and that they would be back soon. So she asked if she could go outside and jump rope. No problem just stay in the yard I said. I was sitting in my living room reading a magazine in such a spot that all I had to do was glance up and I could see her. I did this and began reading again. Then I got this funny feeling in the back of my head and I turned around to look at lynie.
There was NO lynie. Her jump rope was laying in the yard at the end of the driveway. So I went out to the end of the driveway and called for her. And looked for her and she was NO FUCKING WHERE! I didn't panic then I thought okay she saw her sisters down the road and ran off to where ever they are. I couldn't see them on the road and figured they where up at some ones door seeking donations. So I got in my car and headed down the road. NO KIDS! So I went the other way. Again, NO KIDS. So I headed the other way again, this time I saw my two oldest, Well I went flying down the street towards them and asked them had they seen lyn. Neither had, okay I thought , she got money from gram she walked her happy ass the three blocks to the shell to get some candy or something.So I drove down there and had Pan go in to check to see if she was in there or if she had been seen by the clerk who knows us as we go in there frequently. No Lynie, so we drive several blocks to Jack in the Box as it is one of Lyns favs and she knows how to get there.
No Lynie. By this time I have called snowvhite on her cell and she is out looking too, Bib is at work and can't leave but is worried. My sister T and her guy and one of my best friends D are basically on there way. I called smeagle and he was more concerned about himself and told me it was risky for him to come look because I was going to call the police to help look and he was afraid he had a warrant. I screamed at him FUCK YOU THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU THIS IS ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER WHO IS EIGHT AND SHE IS NO FUCKING WHERE!
So I panicked and I couldn't breathe and I called the police. They told me I had to go home so the officers could contact me. So I pulled into my driveway and waited in side my house for what seemed like an hour. Then I called 911 again to ask when a fucking officer was gonna get here,. I was told that they where on scene. I screamed into the phone no they aren't there is no cop here. Tell them to fucking get here my baby is GONE! He told me a cruiser was on its way at that three others where already out looking. Then there was cops everywhere and checking all the houses. All I could think about was the fact that a known child rapist had just moved in not two blocks away and that he had her and was doing terrible horrible nightmarish things to my child and that she was screaming for me and I wasn't coming to her rescue.
After almost 2 hours she was found and I thought I was gonna pass out from the relief. When the cruiser showed up and I saw her open the door I felt transported back to reality. like I was floating. The nightmares scurried away into the shadows as I picked her up and breathed in the scent of her hair. All I could do was stand there and hold her, her sisters holding me and her. The four of us as usual against the world. I found my voice hidden under my heart and thanked the police again and again as I carried my treasure and my heart back to the house. I sat us down on the couch and leaned back so I could feel her 51 pounds against me. So I could feel every breath she took. So I would KNOW she was okay. I told her she was grounded, and I held her for an hour or more, I could not let go and she didn't ask me to. We stuck together like glue for the rest of the night. I was nervous watching her get on the bus this morning. I was scared again. But I knew God would bring her home again. He knows my children are my blood, breath, my soul, my life.