Saturday, March 19, 2005

this may not make much sense right now

This may not make much sense I am pretty stressed out at the moment.
With everything else that is going on. I have learned not but two hours ago that I have to move. Yes thats right move. My parents need to sell because they have no momey left.
So here I am. A kid in crisis. A mom in crisis. My parents in crisis. Depression Tsunami washing over me again and again and again. I keep fighting my way to the surface just to have another wave crash over my face and I haven't even had time to get a breath.
I found out yesterday that I may not receive any more money from L& I for a month or longer because she has to go over all the information and that will take longer then expected seeing as I can't get into my Doctor. I called Buttman tonight in tears. He said to me don't worry hunny. You just gather up all the money that you can. sell all your shit. give away all the pets exept one cat and one dog. Get in your car and drive your happy ass to Florida. He said it would all be covered. Nej wants to go with me. The kids want to go to. They are excited about it even. I don't like giving up everything I own to go into the unknown. Going where things may not work out there either. And then I am sooo far away from home. I am so confused and so aggitated with my parents. They weren't going to tell me until they came home from Arizona at the end of April. And they only planned on giving me twenty days. Which is bull shit in this state you have to give thirty days notice.I am running in circles and there is no kind smelling of peanut butter cookies grandma to come swoop me up and hold me until the spins go away. And then to tell me to walk in a straight line because things always come in clearer that way.
I am having a bit of trouble with this two because just a few days ago I asked God for some kind of sign that I should move down there. and Derek had just been praying about what he should do. He needed some he could trust. someone who knows the business. And I needed a place to go. Not a half hour after I talk to my mom,(Derek was saying his prayers around this same time) I called Derek Pannicking. Crying. shaking. feeling REALLY low and told him and when he told me not to worry I knew what he was going to say. And I know it is a sign from God that it is what should be happening. And It feels right and calm and comfortable. But at the same time it is scary. and for many reasons.
I have my support systems here in this area. I know where I am going. I have family and friends here. I know where to go if I need help with something. I know my neighbors.
IN Florida there are things like hurricans and tornadoes and BIG UGLY BUGS! Snakes don't bother me at all even the poisioness kind. I would just call the snake catchers cuz I don't want my cat or my dog to be on the menu, and I certainly dont want a bigger snake to try to make a meal of one of my kids. I really HATE BUGS! I think I would like Pensacola all right it is just that I am not good with meeting new people in person unless I feel an instant connection to them. Which I do quite often. I just don't know. I t is just so drastic. Maybe what I need is drastic. Maybe I NEED to get away from the support system, from the familiar. Maybe I could work with animal cops down there. That woud be cool. I could do that. I can push paper. I can feed animals. I don't have a squeemish stomach I can assist in some surgeries. See I am already making plans to do it. I guess I am really leaning more towards Florida then any where else. I have been talking about it for like 6 years with Derek. He is my absolute best friend and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. Hell lately I don't know how I have managed without some of the folks I have met right here at I sure have lucked out in that area.
You know I do think this is very theraputic. My head feels less fuzzy and more ready for sleep. I don' t know when I will post or comment again. Things are very sporadic around here. I read when ever I get a chance simply because I can't stand the thought of abadoning some of you who are having dilemas too. I can' t stand the thought that I might miss and opportunity to be there for someone as so many have been here for me.
I wish you all well and I hope that your lives are running smoother then mine.

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