Tuesday, March 22, 2005

getting prepared

Well things are getting busy around here, and they are certainly falling into place. Things are just happening and with each thing my confidence grows and so does my faith. I have been trying to reach my parents for a few days now and I am having no luck. I called and left a message that we are moving to Florida May 7th and I still have't gotten a response.I called my sister and she said she thinks they went on a short trip elsewhere. With no money????
Hmm owell. Anyway, My sister the rat kid was actually supportive of my going.
I know that the folks are going to tell me that I am being stupid. I can just hear my dad now. " Denise this is the dumbest idea you have ever had." " If you take those kids to Florida I will never speak to you again!" ANd my mom will be like.
" Why are you punishing me?" ANd then I will be told that I am using them and that I am abusing them and that I am a piece of shit.
I know how the conversation is going to go and I don't even want to have it.
It is the same conversation we have every time we argue over anything.
( I was a horrable teenager!) ( No really I was dreadful I don't know how any of us survived)
Everytime they don't agree with something I want to do or have done they yell at me about what an asshole I am. Or how stupid I am. Or how they never should have adopted me. Or wish they didn't know me.
My dad is the one that says most of that. My mom tells me I am abusing her and punishing her for being a terrible mother. I can't stand this kind of thing any more. I don't want to deal with the negativity. They do have a totally different relationship with my sister The rat kid. They didn't adopt her she is there flesh and blood. Snowvhite herself has seen the differences in how they treat us. Many of my friends and even friends of my parents have seen this.
Many have commented on it to me. I am not sure what the difference is. Granted The rat kid didn't give them as much grief as a teenager as I did, But I also had no identity. I had no idea who I took after and why I was so different in so many ways then my parents. I had no Idea who I looked like or where I got my character traits. I do now! I met my birth mother when I was 20 years old.
I have slowly become more sure of myself and who I am after meeting her. But when I was a teenager I had nothing to base anything on and I was SOO different from my family that I felt like an outsider in my own home. I hated going to family gatherings because even there. without intention our extended families treated me differently then my sister. Almost like they didn't know what to do with me. I was very uncomfortable alot of the time and my mom took it to mean that I hated her family. Which of course I did not. I love them all very very much. I just didn't feel accepted. I felt more accepted with my dads side I think because they are a more openly loving bunch. They saw that I was a person and they loved me and I knew they loved me. My moms side is quiter with there affections and they still are. Although I have a few cousins who are huggers and some who when intoxicated are quite friendly! Anyway...
I digress. My fingers are tired from typing and I lost my train of thought with that last sentence.

No comments: