Wednesday, August 31, 2005

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!

Derek and his family are safe. Cranky, dirty, thirsty, and needing cigarettes and coffee, but safe!!!!!!!!!!
I can't stop crying and thanking god. and oddly enough I am laughing too.

Monday, August 29, 2005

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

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PLEASE

PLEASE GOD PLEASE
BREAK UP THAT STORM


PLEASE GOD PLEASE KEEP THE ROOF ON THAT HOUSE AND THE WINDOWS WHOLE AND EVERY BRICK AND TWO BY FOUR IN PLACE.
PLEASE GOD PLEASE KEEP EVERY PERSON IN THAT HOUSE SAFE AND WARM
AND HEALTHY.
PLEASE GOD PLEASE
BREAK UP THAT STORM


*****
Got a message from Derek about 9:45 this morning. He let me listen to the storm, the wind and the pelting rain. At that point he was very excited and said it was really cool so far, then he said they were all fine at that point, but just in case something happend he loved us or me or everybody, I didn't really hear that last part because of the wind. He said he would keep me posted though and that the worst was supposed to hit by 1:00, which is 11:00 my time. I haven't heard anything and I can't get through on any phone lines of any kind. This is very scary. He wasn't scared yet though, but I could hear the girls hollering for him to come in the house. His entire family is at his house. There are so many people down there who are going to lose so much. Please, please, please say a prayer for all of them. And if at all possible please help by donating money to the red cross, volunteers of america, and salvation army.
*********

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Flowers in the morning!!!

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Hideleyho neighboreenos!!!
I can't wait to go to work!!
It smells so good in there! I get to go to work everyday and see something beautiful! I get to deliver flowers to some one who isn't expecting it at all! I get to take flowers to hospitals and weddings and funerals and all kinds of places. I can't wait!!! I do believe this will be a great job for me. And it will be great experience. If I am lucky I might even pick up a thing or two about arranging flowers! And I think they will let me bring home plants that they have cut all the leaves off and there are only stubs left. Those plants will come back with no problem and it makes me crazy that they throw them away...
Anyway, lots of stuff is going on. I got a chance to get around a bit yesterday. But today I don't see that happening. Today is just a VERY lazy day and I am working hard at it.
Tomarrow I will find out if I get to move this week.
Please everyone keep praying for Rebekah. And make sure to add Gage and Joshua in there too.
I want to publish another prayer list but so far no one has made any requests. Please do so!!!!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!!!
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Saturday, August 27, 2005

UPDATES

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

I am a deliverer of flowers!*!*!*!*!*!*!

Haven't moved yet, thats still in the works, having a bit of a glich there but I am
sure everything will be allright.


FORGIVENESS IS A BEAUTIFUL THING:)

PEACE AND LOVE AND PRAYERS

Friday, August 26, 2005

Almost done

My computer is trying to die on me. Got a lot going on. So far the kids and I are just fine. Dude aint' been back and I don't think he will be. But I am moving tomarrow anyway.
I will post again as soon as I can, and visit as soon as I can. Gotta go before this damn thing explodes or something.

Peace People

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

At times

I haven't been feeling myself lately. And last Friday night didn't help.
Instead of blogging about what happend I decided to take a bit of a break and not blog about anything from my life or my head.
The events of Friday threw me for a loop.
And I am still reeling from it. Princess sister dearest would probably tell me that my "queen is showing." Meaning that I am being dramatic. Mind you she wouldn't be saying that to be mean or anything. Just to tease me as sisters are apt to do.
And when I called her Friday night we both had a queen size melt down.
I was panicked out of my skin and could barely breathe. She was telling me to get my dog and get the hell out of my house. I was telling her I couldn't get out without my bra on. And I was afraid to even open the door let alone walk to the two feet to my car door. Thank god I parl in the yard to unload my trunk sometimes.
See I called her after the police left. I had to call them because....
My dog was sleeping at the end of my bed and she woke up barking and ran to the window in my room. ( Old house, bottom sills are knee level).
I saw the blanket I have hanging in the window move. Lets see, theres the dog, and theres the cat on my dresser. Maybe its another cat or something I thought. So I shrug it off and go back to watching the tv. Daezee is still barking woof woof, and now she starts scratching my arm. I look at the window and see a tiny little light move across . Hmm, that aint no cat. Still I don't know what it is so I am not afraid. I get up and as I get up I see the blanket move again.
Getting scared now, I look out the window and there is a large man, hunched over, I see the curtain move again.. Okay dead panic. I grab my phone and call 911. I am scared shitless because I have windows open all over my house. So I go in my bathroom and close that window and lock the door. When the police were done looking around the house I spoke to them and they asked me if I knew any larger men. I told them I did and that the man had looked slightly familiar, but because it was so dark I couldn't be sure. I do have a very good idea of who it was though. And it scares the crap out of me. So I called my sister and she talked to me while I got in the car and got down the road.
This is giving me the chills now just writing about it.
I am still just a bit out of sorts and I am trying very hard not to hide away like I normally would. Fighting it every day.
Please continue to pray for little Rebekah, and please send in your prayer requests for the list this week.
Smooshes to all.......

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

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Please pray for Rebekah she is struggling to recover from surgery to place a feeding tube in her tiny tummy. Please visit and show support to her family HERE.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Well I am screwed

You answered 30 items out of 33 in a way that indicates thyroid risks and symptoms.

Your score is 91%. Make a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning. You probably can't lose any weight until you have your thyroid evaluated and treated, because you have a HIGH risk and MANY symptoms of thyroid disease!


Please go HERE to take this enlightning quiz.
Princess this means YOU and MOM!!!

Splaterated

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MY LIFE


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MY LIFE INSIDE OUT



expressed in paint.
By ME

Saturday, August 20, 2005

..........

**********************************8
Taking some time off from writing.
I will be appearing now and then.
Be well all.
Love and smooshes.

Ramblings

I wonder how many posts have been entitled " Ramblings"?
I wonder how many times have I used that title ?
I wonder why some people are so bitchy? So up tight? Such "DIVAS"
Such drama starters?
I wonder why life can't just be a cake walk..
I wonder why it is that I fall in love with every other man I see, yet none of them fall in love with me?
I wonder why it is that people are so shallow?
I wonder what the moon thinks of all of this?
I wonder why is it that sometimes I really want to disapear?
I wonder , why are people so fucking mean sometimes?
Why do people hate?
Why can't I find a stupid job?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do people have to suffer?
Why do children die young from horrible diseases?
Why does the world spin ?
And rotate?
And orbit the sun?
Why did god wake me up this afternoon?
Why did I not want to go into that bar?
What are my youngest two doing tomarrow with there grandma?
What is my oldest doing right now with J and B and T?
Why do I not like mushrooms?
Who made it some kind of unwritten law that fat chicks are undesirable?
Why is there unrequited love?
Why can I not stop laughing some times?
Why can I not stop crying now?
I need help.
But I don't know where to go.
God, I give this to you....
Will you carry me now?

Thursday, August 18, 2005

This is for Derek

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There is a very funny story behind this, when I got it as part of an email. I just had
to post it for him.. Love ya King Daddy:)

Prayers for Rebekah

Please visit this site and send up prayers for this precious little girl.

The banner above is available on Rebekahs site. Hopefully I will have it figured out soon how to link the banner to the site. Please visit both her blog and her web site. Rebekah is beautiful little girl with cancer.
This week Rebekah will be the only person on the prayer list in honor of her battle.




Update: Thank you to se7en the banner is now a link!!!!!!

Twenty things about me that you probably don't give a hoot to know

But I am gonna tell ya anyway!!!
I saw this at Nj 's in NJ's site.
1) When you look at yourself in the mirror, what is the first thing you look at?
When I look in the mirror my eyes cross and I don't see anything for a minute. Its weird but it has always happend to me, so the first thing I see is a blur until my eyes focus.
2) How much cash do you have on you right now?
87$
3) Whats a word that rhymes with " test"?
Blessed.
4) Favorite plant?
Tomato, because it makes my favorite fruit!
5) WHo is the 4th person on your missed calls list on your cell phone?
The princess
6) What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Momma I'm coming home. ( Ozzy)
7) What shirt are you wearing?
White Levi Strauss t shirt.
8) Do you " label" yourself?
Some times I do, but mostly other people do it for me.
9) Name brand of shoes you are wearing?
I am not wearing shoes and the ones I wear are from Wal* Mart and they are slipper flip flops. No name.
10) Do you prefer a dark or light room?
Depends on the time of day and the mood I am in. I don't ever like things to bright though. That hurts my eyes.
11) What did you have for breakfast?
Nothing, I don't eat breakfast most of the time.
12) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Talking to Derek on the phone.
13) Last thought you had before you had a wreck?
OH FUCK THIS IS GONNA FUCKING HU.....
14) What did the last text message you received say?
wcb wsg.. ( from Derek)
15) Do you ever click on pop ups or banners?
NEVER!!!
16) Whats an expression that you say a lot?
It'll all come out in the wash.
17) WHo told you they loved you last?
Derek
18) Last furry thing you touched?
My cat Kajun. If you look at the side bar at flikr badge you can see him!!!
19) How many hours a week do you work?
* sigh*
20)How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
I had like seven and then I threw them all out. They got trashed.
21) Favorite age you have been so far?
Two
22) Your worst enemy?
hot spices
23) What is your current desk top pic?
This week it is a sign that says ," I see dumb people"
last week it was Jesus, and the week before that it was a Harley Davidson sign.
24) What was the last thing you said to someone?
I told the girls to go to sleep for the tenth time.
25) IF you had to choose between a million dollars and or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes, which would you choose?
Man I would take the money and see what I could do with it to help people not make current mistakes.. the past is the past man, let it fucking stay there!

Feel free to use this if ya wanna,
Please have a marvelous day and don't forget to leave prayer suggestions, I am posting another list on Friday:)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

$*#(Q@ @(#$*(#)@ @#$( $(#%&*(@

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

I LIVE WITH KIDS

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Its in the stars

Well my horrorscope for today says basically that I just need to let the universe do its thing and not panic over it. I wanted to paste it here but firefox won't let me. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I am really starting to get frustrated with firefox. I got a new space at msn spaces. I needed something new to have fun with. And I love Marty from rockstarinxs and all their blogs are on msn spaces. I put the link to his blog on the sidebar here. He is just awesome. I love Mig and Ty and Jordis too. Does any one else watch the show???
I am dying to talk to someone about it. I don't like message boards though. I don't know why. I just don't care for them.
Anyway, I got a very cool email today from somewhere here in wa. T Y crystalball!!!!
I hope all and sundry have a fabulicious day:)

Monday, August 15, 2005

I can't seem to stop......

For some reason I just need to write tonight. Maybe it was going the entire weekend without writing. I feel like I was whining again in my previous post. Oh whoa is me, yeah wtfe, I just need to get off the damn pitty pot and get er done. I really don't know what direction I am supposed to go in. I go in one direction and I get rerouted. Obviously I am trying to go in the wrong direction. I really believe that I was supposed to go to Mississippi, I have been trying to make myself feel better about it and all but it just isn't working. Everything I am doing here is faltering. I believe if I had found a way to get to Hattiesburg that everything would be kosher right now because that is where god wanted me to go. I think... See what I mean?!
I am trying to stay positive and I want to keep trying but I am getting worn out. I just don't have the git up and go to keep falling on my ass every time I turn around. It gets a little redundant to keep getting pushed down. Or fucking thrown down.
I know. I know. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, poor me, wah wah wah.
I seriously just do not know what to do now.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I know I cannot stay on the path that I am on. It's going in circles and I want the fuck off this ride.
Is there a trap door to a set of stairs in this fucking hole I dug??
God I just can't believe how much time has lapsed since I learned that the house would be sold. I still don't have a job, I still don't have an idea for a roof over our heads. Everything I have tried has failed. That tells me that I am going about things the wrong way. I feel like a dumb ass. I am just fucking blinded by the situation I am in the middle of and I can't see the entire picture to be able to see my way the fuck out of it.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
SHIT, SHIT SHIT.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.
I just need to stop for a breath and absorb the situation and clear my freaking head.
I know there is a way. I know god has not forsaken me. I know there is a plan.
I just wish I knew what the plan was, that way I could do what I am supposed to do, and I would feel a helluva lot better then I do right now. I have been looking for a sign, searching for that clue. Maybe I just need to let it appear,instead of trying to make it happen. Maybe I need to just let god do his thing and not worry about it. I just need to trust in my creator and go with the flow. I always say I am doing that. But am I really? Hmm......

Weekender

Friday the girls and I headed over to Whidbey Island via the Ferry. That was cool it has been awhile since we got to ride the ferry. Expensive though so it will be awhile again before we get that treat. We got to the cabin and Lynnie immediately had to have some crab. So we had crab and sat and visited. Then I made spagetti for everyone. My folks were there and Scott and Kelli came over with there huge ass motor home and 14 foot boat. Then the next day Vicki and Brian showed up. The first night was fun and relaxing and the second night started out that way then I went to bed because Brian got kind of an attitude and I didn't want to say something. SOooooo, It was about 1:30 am and I hadn't fallen asleep yet, I hear this crackling and snapping and popping. I think to myself what the hell is that?? SO I go and look out the door of the cabin and what to my wondering eyes does appear. Brian had built the fire up hugely and was sitting and drinking a beer. No one else was around. The flames are licking at a tree right close to the fire pit because he had it so high. Huge sparks were flying off of it and landing too close to the brush. Well he decided right when I was watching to walk his happy ass up the hill to his trailer. Um, Scuse me!! DUDE!!!! Ya left a roaring ass fire down here ya wanna come on back now and help me put it out. Of course not! So I go in the room and get dressed more appropriately to go out side and walk my not so happy ass out the fire pit with some water and grabbed a shovel. Twice I had to throw dirt and water and that bitch to get it down to a safe point. And then I find out from my dad that when he woke up around 4:30 am to take a whiz out his trailer door, he saw the fire and it was actually going pretty good again.
This incident upset me just a bit. Every time I go to the cabin I end up having to baby sit someone. Saturday I was afraid to go to sleep because of the damn fire and it being so dry and its real hard for fire service to get down to there. It would have just seriously sucked to watch the cabin go up in flames. Yes I am just a bit pissed with Brian. Vicki sister I am not so sure about your choice in husbands. I actually agree with mom. He does NOT need to drink !!
Of course I might feel differently if I was a partier. Unfortunately ..hmm scratch that, fortunatley I have learned who I can and cannot relax around. I know who I will need to baby sit and who I won't need to worry about at all. Needless to say, we came home yesterday and stopped by Grant and Katies on the way home as we had to drive around because of all the activity on the island this weekend. That was cool though because we don't get to see them very often. I damn near tried to find Sharnado but I stopped myself and just went right on through Oak Harbor. I wish I had taken another number with me though as I would have loved to have met Phyllis!!!! Next time Phyllis:)
*********
Went for testing this morning and I didn't qualify ( according to them ) to work in the call center, but I do qualify for technical, construction, and warehouse. Um, YEAH RIGHT. WTFE. I am trying really hard not to give up on this finding a job thing. I'm not even released to go to work but I can not live on 630.00 a month. I can't even afford to pay rent some where with that and still have power and stuff. FUCK!!! Derek told me to keep heart though and keep trying. It just means that there is something else out there for me. I know its true but I can't help feeling a bit dismayed and disappointed right now...
********
But when I count my blessings I realize that as Mae West used to say, Too much of a good thing can be really nice.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

**************

GET RICH QUICK!!!!!
COUNT
YOUR
BLESSINGS!!!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

************
I
WANT
A
FUCKING
CIGARETTE
************

( Insert some eye catching title. HERE.)

Call me a weirdo, call me a freak. It's okay I like that. I know some folks think that my last two posts were a bit odd. But hey this is my blog and I started it so that I could put my thoughts and feeling out there into the world some how and that is exactly what I did. If some people don't like it they can just keep clicking the handy dandy next blog button.
********
Today I managed to get a few things done. I got my documents filled out for a student grant so I can go to school. Now I just need every person on the planet to wish me luck. Yeah and while your at it wish me luck on THAT happening! :)
~~~~~~~~
Talked to Derek today for like two hours, last night it was like four. He's my best friend what can I say. If I ain't callin him he's callin me. I got his cell phone bill today I can prove it!!! ( Don't ask)
Anyway........
He is stuck in Texas, he was supposed to be home last Friday and is still getting dicked around by the company he drives for. He is keeping his cool though. Please pray for him that he makes it home this weekend. He really misses his kids.
*******
Monday I have to go for testing at a potential job. I need prayers and luck for that too.
I am trying to change the lives of four people here and so far I am not doing so hot at it.
A lot of things have changed for us. Just not seemingly the right things. I am sure God has a plan for us. I am just trying to pay attention to what that might be. I want to follow his directions. I guess I am not paying to close of attention because I ain't getting no clues here. Other then that I am pretty calm about everything and I just know it will all work out in the end. It will all come out in the wash and all will be well. The girls and I will be fine and I will have a great job with a great future through schooling. I had a bunch of other stuff I was gonna write out, but now I think I will let it wait as I am tired and need to go to bed.
I hope you all have a beautiful day.
*******Don't forget to leave your prayer suggestions!!!*****

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Rainy day

Today I just want some one to snuggle up with. Talk to and laugh with and tell secrets too. Some one to accept me just the way I am and love me completely. Today would be a great day to just stay in bed all day with the one I love. Dammit.........

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

It worked for seven

This is my call out.
SOMEBODY PLEASE COME AND FUCK MY BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Found at Jerzees


a little something for my gay friends..
Homophobia is wrong
"I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
"repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong and i got another one for you.....a religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money.
The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage.
The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholicism is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshipped Satan.A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.

* If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness. *

I've got sunshine!!!!!!!

My house is soooooo clean and super spotless it is almost disgusting!
The people who are interested in buying the house just left and I think they are going to make an offer. Which of course sucks for me but rawks for my parents.
Derek is stuck in bum fucked Colorado, his dumb ass truck broke down and Knight wanted him to keep driving down the freeway when his truck is coughing and sputtering and won't go any faster then 30 miles an hour. Yeah he told them no way. He was supposed to be home by last Friday night so he is getting just a touch frustrated.
I feel much better then I did even yesterday and I am off to the college here in about an hour to go talk to the finacial aid ladies. Cuz ya know my ass is poor and I need financial aid to go to school.
Phlebotomy seems like the best avenue for me to take right now. It won't take me all that long to do it and I already know that I am good at it. I can make hella good money doing it and that in turn will help me go back to school to be a social worker. I want to work with the elderly of course. I don't want to do all that young single mothers stuff. I want to work with people who aren't heard very well. That leaves children and the elderly. I am soooo not working with children. They can't hit back. I would murder some one if I thought for a second that they were beating their kid, then I would go to prison and loose my kids. And well it's just not worth it.
SO Phlebotomy it is. Like the way I worked that out.
I gotta go shave my legs, I am trying to impress myself. Seriously though if I don't shave my legs I am going to be looking like a man. It's been over a week now. Lets see, it has been 1 week and three days. ( sheepish grin) Heh. I think its about time........
The sun is shining and I got god on my side. Today is a good day:)


~~~~~~~~~
My I am not a smoker stats:
Quit time
2 m 2 w 6 d 1 h 22 m...... ( this was as of 10:30 or so last night)
days quit 81
cigarettes not smoked 2,431
money saved 547.13
Life Saved 1 week 1 day 10 hours 35 minutes
( that's an entire vacation in Hawaii!!!!)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Out of bed......

Well for the first time in two days I am out of bed. I actually took a shower. ( god did that feel good) I can't stand being dirty. There was no way I was getting out of bed though once I got in it the other night. I had a fever of 103.2 the first night and I don't think it went down much after that until some time early this morning. I still have a bit of a headache, which is much preferable to the horrendous migraine I had. I keep getting flashes of deep pain though and I am thinking I may end up in bed again soon.It was so bad that when Derek called me the first night I could only talk to him for a few minutes and then last night I don't even know if he tried to call me or not. I was so out of it. I vaguely remember talking to one of my moms yesterday. Did I see one too??? I slept a lot. Yesterday is a big blur. I feel like running a marathon today compared to how I felt yesterday. I actually made it to the grocery store today to get ice and frozen veggies and more fruit. For some reason I cannot get enough fruit lately and of course the kids have always been crazy for it. I can't keep fruit in this house to save my life. Very rarely will you find an over ripe apple in my fruit bowl. That is an " forgotten" apple. I always feel bad for the fruit we leave behind at the grocery store. It wasn't good enough to come here and get eaten by the kids or myself, that fruit must have self esteem issues now. And the fruit that gets here and then doesn't for some reason get eaten. To rot in the fruit bowl after seeing all the other fruit go to our stomachs. To die unloved and unwanted and undigested by anything other then fruit flies. How tragic is that!!
Well I want to see how many blogs I can get around to before I have to find my bed again. I Hope you all have a wondrous day, and a fantabulous Monday morning at work.................... Love and Hugs and all that jazz... and smooshes to my lovers!!!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Again the winds of change blow through my life.....

Again my sanity is being tested. Again my peace of mind has been left swaying in the breezes of change. What the hell?!?! And FUCK.
I really need to find a job that I can do that will make me the kind of money I need to take care of everything. I keep feeling like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Seriously. I have been experiencing what I can only describe as pauses. Where I just stop. I'm aware of everything, yet I cannot move or speak. I feel strange at the same time that this is happening. Like surreal. The only thing in my mind at those moments is that I am not doing the right thing. I am not were I am supposed to be. I don't know if it pertains to that moment or if it pertains to all my moments. It even happend on the freeway on the way home yesterday, after it happend when I left my brothers apartment. ( I was goiing down the stairs and almost fell because I froze)
So I am bombing down the freeway, all three kids in the car, and I feel that strange disembodiement again. Surreal. Pause.
It comes with a strange tinging in my spine and stomach. A weird, lightness on the back of my neck. And I know. I am in the wrong moment.
But I don't know were else I should be. Or what I should be doing. Or were I should go to find out. I have tried praying, talking to god. Meditating. Dream interpretation. Talking to myself. Writing it out on paper. I still don't know.
I just know its not right. What I am doing now. Where I am now.
And now the house is up for grabs again and I don't know what I am going to do or where I am going to go. All of the people I have helped are unavailable.
They have there own lives and there own worries. I guess I did a great job.
But at what cost to my children and myself.
I really don't want to live in my car, or under a bridge. I am getting scared that that is going to be my only option. I can't live with T and D. There place is just to small. And they promised themselves they weren't going to let anyone live with them. I can't live with Derek. His truck just won't hold me and my kids. And I refuse to live with his mom. That wouldn't be fair to her.
I can't live with my brother. Our mom already lives there. I can't live with my parents and wouldn't ever. I can't live with K and G their place is smaller then T and D's. I can't live with Jaimie, she is in public housing and would get evicted. I can't live in a hotel. I can't afford that. I need to pull a great job out of my ass. I need to pull affordable housing out of my ass. Hell I need to pull a different life out of my ass. This is depressing me when I already feel ill.
God I hate it when I get whiney. I need to go get some fucking cheese.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Weird

I posted the list of those to pray for, it posted, then for some reason, when I came back later, all it said was the title. "Please".


So here I go again.
Please pray for these people and things.
Our enemies
Ellen ( brainlint)
Joe ( Boydcreek)
KB
Anonymous ( how ever many their may be)
Wanda ( Just Breathe)
Josh
Erdine
Colleen
Susan
B troop in Iraq ( Jerzees Boy)
Jerzee
Aaron
Red hot sexy poppa
David and his daughter
Aunt Arlene
Blue2go
A cure for ms
A cure for HIV
A cure for Heart disease
A cure for Diabetes
A cure for Autism
A cure for TB
A cure for Hepatitis ( all)
A cure for liver disease
A cure for cancer
A cure for lung disease
( Did I miss any? Pray for those cures too)
Libby
Boabhan Sith and Rogue Wit
Dl's dad
Dl
Vickie
Trucker Bob
karen
Susans sister and father in law
Judy
Adam
Steel Cowboy
Cowboy Joe
The Princess
D
My mom and my moo
All children
and everyone you know, and everyone they know, and everyone they know etc infinity.

**********
Love to all, still not well and the house is up for bid again so a lot going on. I am hoping that Sunday I can visit everyone again. I miss all of you so much. ((((((((HUGS))))))