Friday, August 05, 2005

Again the winds of change blow through my life.....

Again my sanity is being tested. Again my peace of mind has been left swaying in the breezes of change. What the hell?!?! And FUCK.
I really need to find a job that I can do that will make me the kind of money I need to take care of everything. I keep feeling like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Seriously. I have been experiencing what I can only describe as pauses. Where I just stop. I'm aware of everything, yet I cannot move or speak. I feel strange at the same time that this is happening. Like surreal. The only thing in my mind at those moments is that I am not doing the right thing. I am not were I am supposed to be. I don't know if it pertains to that moment or if it pertains to all my moments. It even happend on the freeway on the way home yesterday, after it happend when I left my brothers apartment. ( I was goiing down the stairs and almost fell because I froze)
So I am bombing down the freeway, all three kids in the car, and I feel that strange disembodiement again. Surreal. Pause.
It comes with a strange tinging in my spine and stomach. A weird, lightness on the back of my neck. And I know. I am in the wrong moment.
But I don't know were else I should be. Or what I should be doing. Or were I should go to find out. I have tried praying, talking to god. Meditating. Dream interpretation. Talking to myself. Writing it out on paper. I still don't know.
I just know its not right. What I am doing now. Where I am now.
And now the house is up for grabs again and I don't know what I am going to do or where I am going to go. All of the people I have helped are unavailable.
They have there own lives and there own worries. I guess I did a great job.
But at what cost to my children and myself.
I really don't want to live in my car, or under a bridge. I am getting scared that that is going to be my only option. I can't live with T and D. There place is just to small. And they promised themselves they weren't going to let anyone live with them. I can't live with Derek. His truck just won't hold me and my kids. And I refuse to live with his mom. That wouldn't be fair to her.
I can't live with my brother. Our mom already lives there. I can't live with my parents and wouldn't ever. I can't live with K and G their place is smaller then T and D's. I can't live with Jaimie, she is in public housing and would get evicted. I can't live in a hotel. I can't afford that. I need to pull a great job out of my ass. I need to pull affordable housing out of my ass. Hell I need to pull a different life out of my ass. This is depressing me when I already feel ill.
God I hate it when I get whiney. I need to go get some fucking cheese.

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