Again my sanity is being tested. Again my peace of mind has been left swaying in the breezes of change. What the hell?!?! And FUCK.
I really need to find a job that I can do that will make me the kind of money I need to take care of everything. I keep feeling like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Seriously. I have been experiencing what I can only describe as pauses. Where I just stop. I'm aware of everything, yet I cannot move or speak. I feel strange at the same time that this is happening. Like surreal. The only thing in my mind at those moments is that I am not doing the right thing. I am not were I am supposed to be. I don't know if it pertains to that moment or if it pertains to all my moments. It even happend on the freeway on the way home yesterday, after it happend when I left my brothers apartment. ( I was goiing down the stairs and almost fell because I froze)
So I am bombing down the freeway, all three kids in the car, and I feel that strange disembodiement again. Surreal. Pause.
It comes with a strange tinging in my spine and stomach. A weird, lightness on the back of my neck. And I know. I am in the wrong moment.
But I don't know were else I should be. Or what I should be doing. Or were I should go to find out. I have tried praying, talking to god. Meditating. Dream interpretation. Talking to myself. Writing it out on paper. I still don't know.
I just know its not right. What I am doing now. Where I am now.
And now the house is up for grabs again and I don't know what I am going to do or where I am going to go. All of the people I have helped are unavailable.
They have there own lives and there own worries. I guess I did a great job.
But at what cost to my children and myself.
I really don't want to live in my car, or under a bridge. I am getting scared that that is going to be my only option. I can't live with T and D. There place is just to small. And they promised themselves they weren't going to let anyone live with them. I can't live with Derek. His truck just won't hold me and my kids. And I refuse to live with his mom. That wouldn't be fair to her.
I can't live with my brother. Our mom already lives there. I can't live with my parents and wouldn't ever. I can't live with K and G their place is smaller then T and D's. I can't live with Jaimie, she is in public housing and would get evicted. I can't live in a hotel. I can't afford that. I need to pull a great job out of my ass. I need to pull affordable housing out of my ass. Hell I need to pull a different life out of my ass. This is depressing me when I already feel ill.
God I hate it when I get whiney. I need to go get some fucking cheese.