Sunday, May 31, 2009

Someone once told me

Someone once told me that I am worthy of being loved.
I never believed it. Ever. In my whole life.
I pretended that I did. I pretended to believe it. Even to myself.
I faked it real good too. I lied to myself. Saying it in my head every now and then.
" Denise you are worthy of being loved, you are loveable."
I realized not too terribly long ago the great deception.
It was heart breaking. To realize fully that I always thought I was not loveable. That there was something broken about me. That I was no good. That I was trash. I blamed those thoughts on Denny for a long time. Granted it didn't help that he said those things to me. Repeatedly. I didn't have to believe him. I needed to believe those who told me always that they loved me. That I am beautiful and worthy and wonderful. I needed to believe those who told me there was nothing wrong with me. I needed to believe in my own mantra. It took a very long time to get to the point I am at today. I still tell myself EVERDAY that I am awesome. I have to.
I know I lied to myself before by looking back and seeing what my life was like. By absorbing and analyzing the painful past. I wouldn't change a damn thing, do not get me wrong. I am who I am because of everything that happend and the part I played.
I choose the wrong man to marry. TWICE . OUCH. I let myself get VERY over weight. I went into a severe depression that just about killed me. More then once by my own hand.
Yes I was suicidal. I still struggle with depression. I struggle with many ailments. But that is not what this is about. This is about self love. And the realization that I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVEABLE. I had to go down a lot of hard roads not loving myself to figure out that I am worth the bother. I realize that if I don't trully love myself I cannot trully love another. I used to say that was bullshit. You can still love your children trully and completely without loveing yourself. Mmmm was I wrong. How could I take care of anyone if I couldn't even take care of me. How could I love anyone if I didn't know how to give love to myself?? I am not saying that I didn't love my kids. God THAT is soooo not what I am saying. My children are my heartbeat. They are every breath I take. But I am my heart. And I am my lungs. I love me. There for I love them more trully, more deeply, more completely then ever before. Its an amazing thing. Giving to oneself. I am in awe of people who have always loved themselves and have never known any other feeling. It just floors me. To know that so many other people were and are walking around feeling this great, this fabulous, this wonderful. About themselves. WOW.
Today I can honestly say I get to walk around feeling that and thinking that. And KNOWING that.
I am loveable. I am worthy of love. Loving me is new. But like any relationship it takes time and lots of water and sunlight and hard work to really take root deep. That is what I am working on now. I am building myself a garden of love. Just for me. That way I can share my truest love with the people I call family and friends.

Friday, May 22, 2009

THis last week or so

Has not been a fun one. I have been in and out of the Doctors office and then into the hospital.
Blood tests, ekg's, and Catscans of my chest. All saying that my heart is fine and my lungs are clear, so thats all good.....okay so why does it hurt so bad and why can a hardly breathe?
He finally prescribed ativan on top of the medication to help get the water retention down. And aspirin just in case. And I should take it everyday. And next week I have to have a stress test.
Yay. The ativan isn't really doing jack shit but making me tired. I already had that problem. Now I have had the hiccups all day. A strange side effect I get from Ativan. My chest still hurts and its still feels hard to breathe. Especially when I lay down or do anything remoteley strenuous.
I am only 38 for gods sake! And I am already scaring my doctor about my heart and possible blood clots in my lungs. Okay I know I am fat. But damn. I just want to know what the hell is going on. I am worried now. And my moo doesn't help with the way she talks about the heart problems that run in the family. Everything is just peachy. Blood pressure, pulse, ekg's stress tests.. right up to the minute of heart attack. And then its always fatal! Ya. Thats what I want.
My mother didn't know she needed a five way bypass until she insisted on an angiogram.
The doctors thought she was being rediculous. Ya, they weren't laughing so much when they discovered five major blockages. Her cousin went to a heart specialist the day before he died of an exploding heart. Guess what. All his everythings were just fine and he was the picture of health. In my family tree more branches have dropped off because of bad hearts then for any other reason. I DO NOT want to be one of those branches dammit. I am scared.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mothers day weekend

Well it was a busy week last week. And the week before I was so sick I could barely get out of my bed. I still have the cough and god my chest hurts!
My sister T and her hubby were having some marital issues and I got to be the lucky person in the middle. Dave has been my friend for 25 years and Tannis is my sister. She needed to talk to me and so did he. It was very hard not to get in the middle or do the he said she said bullshit.
I would catch myself about to and then I would stop. I wanted to be there for both of them but in the end it was all tearing me apart so I told them both I didn't want to talk to either one of them about their marriage. Call me and talk to me about all the other stuff going on. Just not that.
They both agreed and apologized. I didn't need that. I just needed to not be involved anymore.
So now they are keeping to themselves and I am good with that!
Went to their house on Friday and watched my neice so they could go out.
Saturday Grant and Katie came and picked me up and I spent the night in Anacortes. God I miss it there. I love Anacortes so much. But I really love Arlington and I am still loving living with Tracy and her family. Sunday had a great mothers day at Mike and Janets, we had prime rib and shrimp and all kinds of other nummi stuff for lunch. Came home Sunday evening and just chilled for the rest of Sunday. It was a very nice very relaxing weekend. I did how ever smoke a few cigarettes which eck. I don't even know what made me do it. Cuz eww. I am just fine not smoking here at home. But at Grant and Katies its like the thing to do and it was very hard to not do it. SO I caved and now I am feeling the effects and its Thursday!
Never again and I don't think it should count against my not smoking time.
So its been a month a week and a day. Its been difficult but I think I am doing good!