Sunday, May 31, 2009

Someone once told me

Someone once told me that I am worthy of being loved.
I never believed it. Ever. In my whole life.
I pretended that I did. I pretended to believe it. Even to myself.
I faked it real good too. I lied to myself. Saying it in my head every now and then.
" Denise you are worthy of being loved, you are loveable."
I realized not too terribly long ago the great deception.
It was heart breaking. To realize fully that I always thought I was not loveable. That there was something broken about me. That I was no good. That I was trash. I blamed those thoughts on Denny for a long time. Granted it didn't help that he said those things to me. Repeatedly. I didn't have to believe him. I needed to believe those who told me always that they loved me. That I am beautiful and worthy and wonderful. I needed to believe those who told me there was nothing wrong with me. I needed to believe in my own mantra. It took a very long time to get to the point I am at today. I still tell myself EVERDAY that I am awesome. I have to.
I know I lied to myself before by looking back and seeing what my life was like. By absorbing and analyzing the painful past. I wouldn't change a damn thing, do not get me wrong. I am who I am because of everything that happend and the part I played.
I choose the wrong man to marry. TWICE . OUCH. I let myself get VERY over weight. I went into a severe depression that just about killed me. More then once by my own hand.
Yes I was suicidal. I still struggle with depression. I struggle with many ailments. But that is not what this is about. This is about self love. And the realization that I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVEABLE. I had to go down a lot of hard roads not loving myself to figure out that I am worth the bother. I realize that if I don't trully love myself I cannot trully love another. I used to say that was bullshit. You can still love your children trully and completely without loveing yourself. Mmmm was I wrong. How could I take care of anyone if I couldn't even take care of me. How could I love anyone if I didn't know how to give love to myself?? I am not saying that I didn't love my kids. God THAT is soooo not what I am saying. My children are my heartbeat. They are every breath I take. But I am my heart. And I am my lungs. I love me. There for I love them more trully, more deeply, more completely then ever before. Its an amazing thing. Giving to oneself. I am in awe of people who have always loved themselves and have never known any other feeling. It just floors me. To know that so many other people were and are walking around feeling this great, this fabulous, this wonderful. About themselves. WOW.
Today I can honestly say I get to walk around feeling that and thinking that. And KNOWING that.
I am loveable. I am worthy of love. Loving me is new. But like any relationship it takes time and lots of water and sunlight and hard work to really take root deep. That is what I am working on now. I am building myself a garden of love. Just for me. That way I can share my truest love with the people I call family and friends.

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