Saturday, December 31, 2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it is already a new year. 2006! Holy mother of WOW!
Its seems like just yesterday it was 1970 something and I was a kid in third grade wondering what it would be like in 2000. It seemed surreal. So far away. Now it is right here in front of us. So many things have changed in my life since that day. And so many many things have happend this year in my life and the lives of those I love. Many people have had their BIG graduation and went on to the other side. And others did things like Graduate from College YAY TANNIS!!!!!
What has changed specifically for me. Hmm my ex husband took a tenth month vacation where he disapered and no one knew where he was or even if he was alive. This turned out to be a good thing for him and for us, although it sure did piss me off at the time. I moved. Almost to The Gulf Coast, thankfully only to Everett. Although there is now a discussion of Florida again. I never learn do I !!
Lets see, my kids all turned a year older. I lost my best friend in the whole wide world for a time, then got them back and now have lost another best friend in the whole wide world and I don't know if it is forever or for a time. I sure miss him though. Made some new friends and had lots of fun going out and I actually DANCED!! For the first time in years and years IN PUBLIC!
I haven't really worked much this year, but things are definately looking up for next year. I am sure I landed a job doing collections and will be starting at the end of January beginning of February. Went through three cars this year. Sold a perfectly good car to my sister because I was gonna move across the continent.
Bought a car for 500.00 dollars that lasted six months and now I am on car number three that I bought for a hundred bucks and so far is getting me from a to z rather nicely. I have helped a few people move into their new homes. My folks new place included and its awesome.
Said goodbye to some people who needed to get gone, and hello again to some folks who needed to come home. Got some new pets. Learned a few lessons.
What is the most important thing I learned this year?
My favorite saying. It will all come out in the wash.
And it does.
Cuz, god does the washing round here.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Thank You Dotty

Crossed over to be with her husband and maker December 28th at one pm.

Dotty thankyou so much for everything you taught me.
Thankyou so much for all the love you gave to everyone.
Thankyou so much for so much laughter you shared as much as you did your cigarette smoke!!!! NO MORE OXYGEN MASK!!!!!
You can dance again and walk around and not run out of air, you can smoke all you want and suffer no consequences!!
You can hug your wonderful husband and best friend again!!
I am almost jealous of all the people you get to see again.
Missing you is terrible, thankyou for coming to visit me last night. Please don't hesitate to come again and again to see me. I hope I can pass the lessons you taught me to my kids and others. Your life is a cherished treasure.
We all love you like a rock!!!!
Rub Leifs crew cut head for me and hug Jebus and God and Goddess. Thank you for the memories. The poem below is now dedicated to only you. I can't help it, I can't stop crying!
I am so happy for you!! YOU GRADUATED!!!!!! YEAY!!!!!!!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Traversing the Rainbow

Some times warped thoughts travel like lighting threw the mists in my mind,
illuminating a trail of rhinestones and rubies.
Jade covered memories a stone pathway gone zigzaggedly astray.
Crystalized learnings clinging to the pink and purple walls of my shattered brain.
Painted pictures of you in oily relief hang from sharded rafters chared with pain.
Webs of careing conversations strung along the leaky pipes underneath and out to my ears were they escape into the moonlit sky of remembered tendernesses.
A wink in time a wrinkle on the left side were time stands still in static undertow.
Twisted in time without syncopation to my unincorporated pattern of thought, the sunlight of childhood seeps in to desimate the monsters of agony that seek to destroy my most precious memories of you and me.
Laughter sparkles in the effervescence of your voice ringing in the ears of my lifetime. Missing you will always be a rainbow to traverse.

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Something has just happend in my life for which I have no explanation.
Something tragic to me. Beyond comprehension. It is almost as if someone has died.
Today. Derek decided to no longer contact any of his friends in Washington.
He has refused to answer phone calls, emails, texts, and voice messages.
He is mad at me because I wanted him to think about something. I told him to take the time he needed and then to call me. Having realized that I was going about things the wrong way I decided to try to call him.
Then I talked to a mutual friend who said she had gotten an email.
She forwarded this email to me. I read it. I am devastated. How is it that for the last four years I have been best friends with someone who could just up and walk away just like that. How is it that he can. We were so close. I trully trusted him when he said he loved me with every fiber of his being. That I was his best friend.
That I was one person who understood him above and beyond anyone else.
I don't understand this. I understand maybe needing to take to some time to himself. Feeling overwhelmed with everything that is going on in his life and just needing space. But to just stop all communication and saying it is forever. Even putting in the email that if any of our paths ever crossed again that he would try his best to avoid us. WTF????? Does anyone understand this???
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. There are a lot of I statements in this blog. Yeah. Me, I am frustrated, hurt, worried, angry, sad, and depressed.
Get over it. Yeah, eventually. Just like everything else in my life, I will get through this too. It's just really weird not to have Derek to talk to about this, as he is usually the one I would go to since he is (was) my best friend. I will always love him. I will always want the best for him. And some day I will show up on his front door step and he will hug me and let me back in.

Friday, December 23, 2005


I am at my friends house so I don't have much time. I want to go around and visit as many people as possible. Thankyou everyone for your wonderful comments. I hope to get around to see you.
I have so much to say and just not enough time to say it right now. The good thing is is that my friend lives so close I can come over often to blog while she is at work. And even better then that. She might just move in with me!!!! Pray for that as it would help us both tremendously. My mom decided to move out so now I don't know how I am going to do everything and Jen is having the same issues herself so moving in together would solve alot of problems. Anyway. I hope you all have a wonderful christmas and all your holiday wishes come true.

Saturday, December 10, 2005


You guessed it, internet connection is gone. It sucks too.
I am at my parents house right now. They got home from Arizona yesterday afternoon and wanted the kids to spend the night with them. So I am taking advantage of the internet oppportunity.
Hopefully I won't be offline for very long.
I went to another job interview Friday. It would be absolutely perfect for me so I need prayers that I will get the job. Its at a retirenment facility working as a receptionist for four hours a night from 5 pm to 9 pm.
I have a feeling someone else is on their way out so it could quickly work into more time. I also got the distinct feeling that I was the only one who said I could work christmas and would be happy to do it.
The place is absolutely beautiful. They have many excellent policies. I would soooo love to work there.
I would still be able to work around the elderly and help to get people in their. Awesome! I want that job. The lady said she was making her decision Monday or Tuesday. I told her I looked forward to hearing from her. I think the interview went very very well. Keep your fingers crossed!
In other news I think Jen might be moving back in with me.
We are going to try to get to the Lynrd Skynrd concert this friday. I WANT TO GO!!!!!!! Jen and I want to take Amanda as one of her christmas presents. She loves Lynrd Skynrd. What can I say. I have well rounded kids. Kids who know great music when they freekiin hear it!
Went out last night with Jen and T and L. Had alot of fun. I was going to go out tonight. But I am feeling really rotten. I feel nauseated and just yucky, even though I take prilosec every day I woke up with acid in my mouth and nose, feeling like it was burning my ear drums. It was really bad. I had just fallen asleep around 3:30 or so and woke up at 4:00, I couldn't fall back asleep until almost 7:00am. I woke up at 10:00 to bring the kids to my parents by 11:30. Ug. Yeah with no kids tonight I think I am just going to hang out at home and enjoy the peace and quiet. IN BED. We still have cable tv until the 17th. I am hoping Jen will move in with me. It will help us both a lot. And she can put cable in her name. I am still paying my bill from last time.Which is going to take me awhile because of the bill situation now.Anyway. Hopefully I will get to the library sometime this week to check email and blog a little bit. I miss being online. I am already going through with drrawls. Love you all. GOnna try to go visit some folks now!!!!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

MY FIRST POST EVER! Happy bloggerversarie to me!!! LATE!!

out in the openWell here we are its another day in the neighborhood folks.I just feel like writing, and I am trying to figure out this damn blogger thing. Hopefully I have it handled now if not I am sure to find out soon huh?! There is so much that I want to say, Like things that piss me off, You know ladies on those personals web sites how all the men are only specific about one thing that they want....SKINNY! NON FAT! Everything else is open for discussion, so just as long as you are willing to get laid on the first meeting they don't care if you have all your teeth or if you took a shower or shaved your legs. They don't care what you interests are because there only interest in you is if you are willing to get poked! I have totally given up on fiding a date online, or in a bar. I guess if I want to meet a nice man who genuinely cares about people and me the most I had better start dating eligible clergy!LOL oh that cracks me up.No but really what is the deal with men these days, and some women too actually... I just don't get it. What happened to growing up and getting married to Mr. Right.Having it all,the house the kids the dog, the white picket fence.okay screw the fence. But what about the rest of it????? And why is it that people feel that they have to be madly in love with someone to start a relationship, doesn't that develop as the relationship blossoms??? I guess maybe I am from another planet. Maybe tryactin4...Hmmm Maybe....Well anyway Mr. Right is certainly not going to come down from outer space and sweep me off my feet... I'm pretty sure I would run as fast and far away as I possibly could, Those outer space guys are only interested in one thing and my anus does NOT need to be probed thankyou very much!The other thing that is has me peeved is teenagers, I have one and man I am telling you she is just walking down the wrong path. Same path I went down mind you,but in as much it is absolutely unexceptable that she would choose to do the same. I don't like it and I won't have it.She actually tried smoking pot a couple of weeks ago.O good lord in heaven please do help me!OKay now something cheery please!Lets see something cheery.Oprah Winfrey walks this planet, Now that is good news.Martha Stewart in jail. YAY!

Voice coming back

Yesteray it was in and out bad. Sometimes it would be almost normal and other times only a whisper. Today it is much better and I think I will be able to start my job tomarrow.
I wrote something very very sexy at secret smutt and got all hot and bothered and almost made the mistake of getting some from someone I don't want to do that with. YIKES! Close call.
Anyway, my new found virginity intact, I am waiting for my moo to get home so that I can go to the mall and pay my t~ mobile bill. I don't know where the hell she is she should have been home by now. Not much interesting going on, cept I don't know why comcast hasn't been here yet to disconnect us. I am expecting it any minute. short post gotta go. Derek is calling~

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

No voice

I have now just since waking up. Lost my voice completely.
This is bad. And mom had to leave so I have no way of calling my job to let them know.
Thats okay, I will have to go over to Jens and have her call my mom and have my mom call my job to let them know I can't even talk.
I have never completely lost my voice before. All I can do is whisper when I need to say something. Vee if you read this call me anyway. I need to talk to you, well whisper to you.
Woo ohh!!
Anyway, today is the day that at some point I will be loosing internet. Moo hasn't sent in the payment yet. And it was due a while back sooooo. There for we will be having some issues for awhile. It shouldn't take to long.
Well here we go again. It is the sixth and my rent was due by yesterday. And I still haven't gotten a check from L & I. This is not good. It is ridiculous that this is happening. Its totally on their end and it could cause me to loose the roof over my childrens heads.
I have to go down to the managers office again to see if he is in yet. I really don't want to recieve another three day pay or vacate.
And I really don't want to have to pay another 35.00 late fee. There isn't anything I can do about that though. The rent is late and thems the rules. So I will pay that too.
As soon as I get that check.
I am hoping and praying that my L & I check will be there and also my child support check. Then I can pay the rent and put gas in my car. I so need to get my voice back.
I have to got to get to work. I can't believe this crap. Am I just not meant to work that job?
Is this something in my mind affecting my voice?
I don't know. I just want it to come back so I can make some freeking money.

Sierras birthday is coming fast just three days away. I can't believe she is going to be eleven years old.
Holy Wow. ELEVEN!!!!!
I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly.
Amanda is almost 15
And Lynn just turned nine and she is so tall
They are all so tall
Poor Lynn is home from school again today. She is coughing so hard that sometimes it makes her puke.
Poor baby.
Well I guess thats all for now folks.
Until I get internet again.
See ya all later.
Have a VEry Merry Christmas I will be missing all of you!

Just back from Dl. Time to Tell. PLEASE GO READ HER POST. It is absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever read ever. GO READ IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Just call me Gus Gus

GOD am I sick. I called work. The man who answered the phone says to me" It would be very hard to do phone work with a voice like that." He put me on hold and I could hear him laughing. THen the gal that hired me came on the line and she said just to give them a call each day as to how I am doing and sounding and I can start then. THen she says, " get better" hee heee heeee. And was laughing at me. LIke I said, I sound like a mouse with gravel in its throat. And when I laugh. I am totallly a dead ringer for snidely. Even when I cough or try to clear my throat all I get is a squeek. I am goping back to bed now.....

If you know who Gus Gus is you get extra credit!!!!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

100 bloggers

I posted HERE today!!!!!!

When I read about it at Joes I just knew I had to join in!!
And I have since discovered that Dl joined in too!!!
After I posted I noticed that someone is pulling out. So there may be more slots left.
JOIN THE FUN!!!!!!!!!!
Went out last night and had a good time.
The music was good. the vocal were not.
Of course we didn't go to ROcko;s then the music would have kicked ass.
We had a good time anyway. There was this man there that REALLY new how to dance.
Oh man me and moo almost melted watching those hips!!
Hee hee hee.
Anyway, today was just grocerie shopping and picking up crickets for Lolo's hungry little mouth!!! She is TINY but she sure can suck down the crickets!
Well I think I have nothing to say actually. At least right now. I am pretty tired and pretty sick with what ever the hell is going around now. YUK.
I think we are going to be disco'd from the internet tomarrow unless we figure out something quickly and get it to a pay point. I don't have much faith in that happening.
So I will be going to the library at least twice a week to use a computer. UG.
Shouldn't take long to get back up and running though. Some how. We just need to pay the bill off and then get it hooked back up. Seeing as I actually have a job now it shouldn't take to long. I am going to be job hunting all day tomarrow though until I have to go to work. Because I DO NOT want to do telephone soliciting any longer then absolutely neccasary. AH shisters I just tried to talk to Amanda and I sound like a mouse with gravel in its throat!
Maybe the people I call tomarrow will feel sorry for me and make appointments to see the demonstrations and maybe they will buy whatever it is the saleman is trying to sell and I will make lots of tips and comissions and win the contest for the night. And get a record breaking raise in the first night I work. yeah. Thats whats gonna happen!!!
Hey, it could.

Saturday, December 03, 2005


Jen is feeling a bit under the weather today!
So we will not be going out tonight. I would go by myself but I have no money.
And I need at least 2.75 to get my pepsi.
Its free refills the rest of the night.
I want to change my skin but I don't know how to do it without loosing everything.
I was unable to post commnets to ADAM, Dl, and Rebecca, I got the same exact code word at each site and it didn't work anytime. So
ADAM, You are a nut, don't wanna break a nail!!!! TOo funny with that!:)
Dl, YAYYYYYYYYY I am so HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And Rebecca sweet baby girl, I am still praying for you every minute of every day. I Hope you get over these latest ickies really really soon.



I got out of the house and did something fun!!!!
Jen and I went to my favorite bar. Rocko's and had a blast.
And we are going out again tomarrow because my favorite local band will be there tomarrow night!!! Breadline Blues here I come!!!!!! You can see what I am talking about at they are just so awesome!!!!
Jen and I had so much fun tonight. I just wish our friend Vee could have been there too. She would have had so much to talk about she might have exploded from white trash french hore over load!!!! ( Inside joke) Jen kissed a guy with a really hairy chest which I am SOOOOO gonna tease her about tomarrow.
She absolutely hates hairy men, she thinks they are gross and this guy was hairy!!! She is gonna so puke hahahahah, serves her right for getting so drunk and dissing the guy all night.
GOd got her for being a bitchy witchy!!! HE HEE HEE. Hmm maybe that jack and pepsi got to me more then I thought.
I only had one, maybe I am just feeling more relaxed then I have in weeks. I really needed to get out to a comfortable place and just let loose and relax. Now I need a shower though I smell like smoke and it is grossing me out. Since I haven't smoked in SEVEN MONTHS!!!!! WOOOTTTT WOOOOOOO...
GOtta go, Have a great day, night, evening. HEEE HEEEEE...

Friday, December 02, 2005


I am tired of feeling sick and tired and depressed. I really don' t like feeling this way at all.
I just want to run away from everything and everyone.
I know I am not the only person who has ever felt that way.
I just want to pack a back pack for each of my kids and myself and take off to some where unknown and tropical.
What stops me? Lack of funds and fear. I need a fresh start some where it doesn' t snow. Or get very cold. And yet I don't want it to get too hot either.
I know picky picky. I am thinking Hawaii. It's nice and tropical, not too hot, never too cold. Lots of water around. Plenty of sand. relaxed atmosphere. And I am used to living near valcanoes and the threat they pose. Tropical storms not so much. But I can learn to live with those too. As long as they don't trun into mass destructive hurricanes.
Speaking of hurricanes, did you know that vh1 is giving thousands of musical instruments to kids effected by hurricane Katrina. In the schools they are in now. And Vh1 is helping to rebuild school band rooms for the 36 schools they were already helping in New Orleans and other areas affected by the hurricane. I just think that is so cool. Vh1 and there " Save the Music" program is one of the neatest things I have heard of. They give thousands and thousands of musical instruments to kids every year, they help with making band rooms, and they assist with uniforms and even give grants to teachers. Awesome! There are so many other types of programs out there that help people in so many ways. I think it is wonderful that kids that want to play music and be in a band can be. Music is awesome. Music can soothe a soul or get you dancing. Music has proven to be healing and to help plants grow. Mostly classical there. SO cool VH1!!! Gotta give em props for all their hard work and dedication. If you can donate in any way. Please do that today. Don't let music die because of poverty or because sports are deemed more important.
My dog is licking my toes.......
He has a foot fetish I think.......
He smells like he was into kitty box treats again. EWWWWW.
I need a shower now!!!
Wow am I rambling or what. I just woke up and hear I am with all my first thoughts of the day. I can't believe I slept so late again today. I did the same thing yesterday. Okay I need sleep but not this much. This is one of the first signs that the depression is seriously back. I need to call my doctor too. I just can't afford to buy meds. Huh. What a spot to be in. I hate not having medical coverage. I need to figure something out though.
Okay I need to shower, my dog licked my toes ewwwww.
Have a great day every body!!!!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Have I ever told you how much I hate SNOW!!!!
It would be allright if it would stay off the roads and if the deep cold would stay out of my house and out of my car and out of my bones.
I hate winter. I hate cold weather. I hate snow.
Snow is pretty. Snow flakes are awesome in their lacy intricacies.
I hate snow. It is white and sparkly and beautiful. But it is so damn cold.
I hate snow. I don't think I have said it enough. I hate snow. I would much rather be in the bahamas. Or Australia, or Fiji, or Hawaii. I can't stand this cold weather. I hate snow. I can't believe it has snowed so much in the past few weeks. We hardly ever get snow here and every once and awhile we just get tons of it. This is one of those years. I hate snow. I don't want to live here when the weather is like this. I just want to run away to some where warm and tropical. I am jealous of those who have never seen snow and don't know what it is like to see their breath. I feel sorry for them too. How do they know what they like and what they don't like? I hate the snow. I hate the snow I hate the snow. I need to move somewhere warm were there are beaches and sun shine and there is no way I can get depressed in the doom and gloom and of an icy cold snowy blustery pacific northwest winter. I hate the snow, I hate that it gets dark so damn early. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. Do any of you have any doubt how much I hate the snow. I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it..............................
Imagine me stomping my foot and throwing a fit like a two year old. I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point I am just wondering why the hell I am even bothering.
I am feeling rather homesick. I would like to go away now. I know I can't, but somedays their really isn't much keeping me here. I know its because its winter time and it gets so dark so early and the sun doesn't come up til noon. GOD I hate winter. I think I need drugs to make this better. I hate life. I just want to take my last breath already.