Friday, September 26, 2008


I am happy to be going somewhere clean. Longview is just THE Dirtiest town on the face of the planet and I am so very very very glad that I was not raised down here. Or by Donna.
I know what my brother and sister went through and I have said it before. I will say it again.
Thank God for adoption!
Ya. Joan and Denny weren't always the nicest people in the world. But my sister and I were always clean and lived in a clean house and had nice clothes. Some of them home made!
We had good food to eat every night and didn't know what instability was. We went places and did things and I have so many good memories from my childhood.
It was the teen years that kicked my ass. I was never forgiven for them I think.
I am the first to admit how terrible I was. But damn.
This was not what I was intending to write about but I guess I needed to get it out. Again.
I do have many bad memories while growing up. Things weren't peachy peachy. But they weren't as bad as my brain likes to tell me either. Things didn't get REALLY bad until I was an adult as a matter of fact. And because of that I take half the blame if not all of it.
Not that I am the piece of shit Denny likes to tell me that I am. Not because I am worthless.
But because somehow I failed them. Some how I wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever was. Good enough for them. I never did anything for them to be proud of. I didn't do what ever it was that I was supposed to grow up and do. I understand that they had expectations and I didn't meet them.
I refuse how ever to think so lowly of myself.
I am who I am. My life is what it is because I want it this way.
My path is different from theirs. I do not believe that this makes me a bad person.
I wish they saw it differently. I wish I could change to become what they want.. I just think that that is impossible. And why should I anyway?
I know a contradiction. But I love myself just the way I am.
I thought that being a parent meant that you love your children no matter what. Unconditionally.
I know that I love my children no matter what. So what made me so unloveable to the people who adopted me and promised to give me that love?
I do wish I knew exactly what it is about me that pisses them off so much.
I would honestly love to fix the problem. But I cannot change the very soul of me to make them happy either. I am who I am. I am what I am. I am wonderful. I know I have my faults just like everyone else. But I am a divine spark of the Universe and I am amazing. Just the fact that I am here. We are all amazing. Accepting people for who they are and loving them is one of the biggest leasons we have while we are here. Among so very many more.
I love Joan and Denny and I wish them the best in the world. I miss them somedays. And their are moments when I wish I could call them and get their advice. I learned a long time ago I could not do that. Even when they were talking to me. We never had that kind of relationship. They judged me. And I have judged them for that. No one is perfect. Every one is acceptable.

Monday, September 22, 2008

One last move

Kaite called me and I am definatley moving back to Anacortes.
She is coming down here to Longview to get me this weekend. I am so excited.
I will have my own room again. Ahhh privacy! And I will be buying their little truck from them instead of the rig I was going to buy down here. I think I am most excited about having an actual room and a bed again. Having a kitchen I can cook in. A bathroom and washer and dryer I don't have to feel awkward about using. Its so nice. And Most Most most exciting of all is that I can finally have Pan come and visit me and her boyfriend can come along to if he really wants to.
I am hoping for a mother daughter weekend before the boyfriend thing happens though.
Haven't gotten to really hang out with Pan for a few months now. I am going through withdrawals. I need some time with my oldest.
G and K's baby is due in December so I will be able to be in the room for this one too. Kayla is excited that I am coming back. Even though she wants to steal the room that is going to be mine.
She doesn't even sleep in her bed! She is a couch kid. Too funny, Guess you would have to know the kid to know why its amusing. Just trust me. It is.
Derek should be coming this way sometime in the next week or two also. We are all looking forward to that.
Hello to any who are reading this.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Well I actually don't know what it is that I want to say. I just know that there is a lot on my mind.
I miss my kids. I miss my ex-husband. I miss my best friends. They are all really far away.
Anacortes, Nampa, Knoxville, and on the road.
I miss waking up every day with my kids and being around while they are getting ready for school. I miss hugging and kissing them every morning before they leave for the day and telling them " I love you! Have a great day at school!"
I miss the quiet moments I had at home while they were away. I did my thing. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, maybe going grocery shopping. Figuring out what dinner would be.
I miss the noise and chaios that would ensue upon their arrival home. The sound of the bus coming down the road always made me so happy.
Now I see a school bus and it makes me sad. I want to be with my girls everyday. I already know what the empty nest syndrome is all about. I have it in spades.
And I don't even have a nest.
Its very depressing.
I know however that my babies are all happy and healthy and enjoying their days.
At least I hope they enjoy their days.
I pray for their happiness and their health.
I may not be a hands on mom anymore. But I am still their mom.
My duty to be a parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father and that the oldest is in job chore. My priveledge of being their parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father, or go to jjob chore. The only thing that could diminish my mother hood is my allowing it to happen. And it won't.
I am their mom.
I gave birth to them. No one else.
I changed their diapers, burped them and fed them and bathed them.
I kissed their boo boo's and read the bedtime stories or sang them lullabyes.
I helped them with their homework and taught them right from wrong.
I did their laundry and cleaned up their messes and made their beds and took them to the park and the beach and made sure they got to school for the first half of their lives.
I have not been in a position to be able to do these things.
Their father has.
I miss my girls. I miss them so much. But I thank GOD and GODDESS every day that their father is their. That their grandparents are their. That they know they can count on the people in their lives to make the best decisions for them. I am glad that my girls know that I love them so much that I can't imagine having them bouncing around with me. Regardless of what other people think about it.
I am their MOM. I love them and I miss them and I just want to hug them.
Today is a lonely day indeed.