Friday, September 26, 2008


I am happy to be going somewhere clean. Longview is just THE Dirtiest town on the face of the planet and I am so very very very glad that I was not raised down here. Or by Donna.
I know what my brother and sister went through and I have said it before. I will say it again.
Thank God for adoption!
Ya. Joan and Denny weren't always the nicest people in the world. But my sister and I were always clean and lived in a clean house and had nice clothes. Some of them home made!
We had good food to eat every night and didn't know what instability was. We went places and did things and I have so many good memories from my childhood.
It was the teen years that kicked my ass. I was never forgiven for them I think.
I am the first to admit how terrible I was. But damn.
This was not what I was intending to write about but I guess I needed to get it out. Again.
I do have many bad memories while growing up. Things weren't peachy peachy. But they weren't as bad as my brain likes to tell me either. Things didn't get REALLY bad until I was an adult as a matter of fact. And because of that I take half the blame if not all of it.
Not that I am the piece of shit Denny likes to tell me that I am. Not because I am worthless.
But because somehow I failed them. Some how I wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever was. Good enough for them. I never did anything for them to be proud of. I didn't do what ever it was that I was supposed to grow up and do. I understand that they had expectations and I didn't meet them.
I refuse how ever to think so lowly of myself.
I am who I am. My life is what it is because I want it this way.
My path is different from theirs. I do not believe that this makes me a bad person.
I wish they saw it differently. I wish I could change to become what they want.. I just think that that is impossible. And why should I anyway?
I know a contradiction. But I love myself just the way I am.
I thought that being a parent meant that you love your children no matter what. Unconditionally.
I know that I love my children no matter what. So what made me so unloveable to the people who adopted me and promised to give me that love?
I do wish I knew exactly what it is about me that pisses them off so much.
I would honestly love to fix the problem. But I cannot change the very soul of me to make them happy either. I am who I am. I am what I am. I am wonderful. I know I have my faults just like everyone else. But I am a divine spark of the Universe and I am amazing. Just the fact that I am here. We are all amazing. Accepting people for who they are and loving them is one of the biggest leasons we have while we are here. Among so very many more.
I love Joan and Denny and I wish them the best in the world. I miss them somedays. And their are moments when I wish I could call them and get their advice. I learned a long time ago I could not do that. Even when they were talking to me. We never had that kind of relationship. They judged me. And I have judged them for that. No one is perfect. Every one is acceptable.

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