Monday, August 15, 2005

I can't seem to stop......

For some reason I just need to write tonight. Maybe it was going the entire weekend without writing. I feel like I was whining again in my previous post. Oh whoa is me, yeah wtfe, I just need to get off the damn pitty pot and get er done. I really don't know what direction I am supposed to go in. I go in one direction and I get rerouted. Obviously I am trying to go in the wrong direction. I really believe that I was supposed to go to Mississippi, I have been trying to make myself feel better about it and all but it just isn't working. Everything I am doing here is faltering. I believe if I had found a way to get to Hattiesburg that everything would be kosher right now because that is where god wanted me to go. I think... See what I mean?!
I am trying to stay positive and I want to keep trying but I am getting worn out. I just don't have the git up and go to keep falling on my ass every time I turn around. It gets a little redundant to keep getting pushed down. Or fucking thrown down.
I know. I know. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, poor me, wah wah wah.
I seriously just do not know what to do now.
I don't know where to go.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I know I cannot stay on the path that I am on. It's going in circles and I want the fuck off this ride.
Is there a trap door to a set of stairs in this fucking hole I dug??
God I just can't believe how much time has lapsed since I learned that the house would be sold. I still don't have a job, I still don't have an idea for a roof over our heads. Everything I have tried has failed. That tells me that I am going about things the wrong way. I feel like a dumb ass. I am just fucking blinded by the situation I am in the middle of and I can't see the entire picture to be able to see my way the fuck out of it.
I just need to stop for a breath and absorb the situation and clear my freaking head.
I know there is a way. I know god has not forsaken me. I know there is a plan.
I just wish I knew what the plan was, that way I could do what I am supposed to do, and I would feel a helluva lot better then I do right now. I have been looking for a sign, searching for that clue. Maybe I just need to let it appear,instead of trying to make it happen. Maybe I need to just let god do his thing and not worry about it. I just need to trust in my creator and go with the flow. I always say I am doing that. But am I really? Hmm......

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