Monday, June 06, 2005

Inspiration for this post curtesy of Wanda at Just Breathe

Being a mother is one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences known to women.
Being a SINGLE mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging, and lonely, experiences known to women. As I am sure being a SINGLE dad is.
As a single mom I have just one bitch about it. I HATE NOT GETTING CHILD SUPPORT.
Neither of my ex husbands pay child support. Neither of them see the kids, they both have the right to do so, and the capability, whenever they want. Neither of them even write letters to the kids. Thats not the part that bothers me. If you don't want your kid, fine. Your choice. But the least you could do is send some fucking money.It would be great to not have to worry about how to get the kids shoes whenever they need them. To not have to worry about how I am going to get the gas to take kids to the dentist, or doctor, or optician. It isn't easy to be a parent when there are two people to do the job. It isn't any easier to be a single mom. Being the only responsible parent sometimes sucks. I am fortunate that I have a loving extended family. The only reason my kids don't have to go without, is because of the support I get from people who aren't responsible for my children. I have been on welfare. I admit it. It was there when I needed it. I am still receiving food stamps. Thats the only way I would have enough money to pay my rent. I don't have to spend the money I do get, on food. The kids have medical through the state. My mom's have been known to help with getting the kids school clothes, backpacks, and shoes.
My dad is always willing to come with his truck if I find something for free in the paper. Like now I am looking for a couch and other living room furniture. My sister and I have brought food to eachothers houses too numerous of times to count. Dave (sisters fiance) has loaned and given me money. Derek has given me money. ( I miss him he just left this morning).
Other friends and family have given and or traded clothes,furniture, kitchen stuff, etc.
I dont' know what life would be like for my kids if we didn't have all these people in our lives that care about us. I can't imagine being a single mom without some kind of support network.
As it is, being the only one responsible for paying bills, getting groceries, making appointments , and getting kids to bathe, and do homework can be very overwhelming sometimes. There are days, when all I want to do is scream out of frustration. There are days, when all I want to do is cry from loneliness and despair. There are days ,I just want to walk away without turning back.
Without fail, on those dark days, those, this is not my life days, one of the girls will do or say something that snaps me back. Takes me on a different path. One of them will come up and hug me just because ( ya gotta love that) or one will say something nice to her sister ( doesn't happen often believe me). Or I will notice that they are all sitting and watching tv together, I will hear them laugh about something funny they saw and then listen while they discuss it amongst themselves. I can't explain what that does to my brain. The effect that has on my heart. The song it coaxes gently from my soul. Those terrible days, just when I am ready to walk out the door, all I have to do is look, and I see why I could never, ever leave. I see why I fought so hard to get them back when their dad kidnapped them. I see why I didn't sleep for a month while they where gone god knows where.
I see why I could never ,ever, ever give up on any of them no matter what they do. I see what a gift god gave me and it brings me to my knees.(THANKYOU GOD!!!!) Being a single mom may be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.But I wouldn't want to do anything else.

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