Thursday, April 28, 2005

Graffiti Girl

Today was quite the day. First I got a call that every parent dreads. Lynnie (youngest cobbling) has lice and I had to go pick her up from school. She has been at grandmas house all this last week, so we don't know when she got it, she didn't have it very badly though,so hopefully it will be completely gone within a few days tops.
Then while I was going through her hair, I got another phone call that every parent dreads. Let me first give you a bit of a heads up for this one.
When Pan came home from school yesterday she told me how freaked out she was. Apparently someone had graffitied the upper gym at her school with some very threatning things about wanting to see a teacher bleed, die, be killed etc, including this teachers family and then some of the students. Pan was the first kid listed .
Well this was disturbing of course and I got a bit worried.This is my kid after all. So when the schools principal called last night to tell me of the incident that freaked me out a bit more.I asked her if they where still going to have school and she said that yes they where, that the police where involved and etc. I told her I didn't know if I wanted to send Pan to school or not. She asked me why. I told her because Pan told me her name was at the top of the list of students. The principal then says," how would she know that?" I said I wasn't sure, so she told me to have Pan come into the office first thing in the morning to talk to her.
Okay today now: The phone rings and its the principal of Pans school.
She tells me that Pan is in the office and that they need me to come down and look at the evidence and to give a sample of my writing.
Pan told them the writing on the wall couldn't be hers because her writing is the same as mine.(HUH!) I don't know what she was trying to prove with that. Our writing is way different anyway except for the fact that we both switch the style and slant of our words throughout a page and we both also capitalize in strange places and use a cursive/print mix. All my kids do that actually. Anyway. I told bibs I needed to go and she took me and went into the school with me.
There was a police officer and the head security guard for the school district and the principal in the principals office. (sorry if I am not making sense.) Anyway, they asked me to copy a short blurb out of the paper and I did. The two sets of writing did not compare at all of course.
Then they showed me pictures of the wall and my heart sank to my feet.
I knew. Pan was the one who did this aweful thing, she was the one who had scared the crap out of hundreds of families and especially one teacher and his family who were threatend with being killed. She is the one who terrified four other kids and their parents. I almost lost it right there in the office of the school I had attended when I was her age.I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to see it anymore. Bibs was there and she just put her hand on my leg and looked at me. I pulled myself together and then I asked what had been used to write those horrible things on the wall. They said a black permanent marker and again my heart sank. Pan had come home yesterday with black marker all over her hands and arms. Some of it is still there.... Anyway, I was then told that four kids and a teacher had seen her skipping fifth period in the gym locker room. She had tried to denie that but how could she...So I asked what that had to do with anything and was informed that the kids and teacher had stated that her hands were clean when they saw her at the beginning of fifth period and at the end of the class she had black marker all over that she was trying to wash off. On top of all that evidence they also had a statement by her friend that spent the night the night before. T said that Pan told her not to be surprised to see writing on the wall of the upper gym that said the things she eventually wrote. So five kids and a teacher where all filling out police reports at the time we were in the office. Now because someone had tipped off the media the officer said he didn't want to arrest Pan on the spot.He asked me if I was planning on taking her home, I said yes, he asked me to stay home so that they could call if they needed to talk to her. We all knew she did it, she continued to denie it. She was scared shitless of course she was going to denie it. So we came home where I called my sister T and she said she would come right away. Again I was barely holding it together.T got here and we visited for a bit, then the dreaded call came. They wanted to see me and Pan at the station, they needed to question her. We were there for about two hours. Finally two officers came out to talk to me. She never did admit to them that she did anything.They didn't ask her too. They told her they knew she did it and she didn't denie it. They just wanted to know if the threat was real. Which it wasn't.They feel that she is more of a threat to herself then anyone else.She told them how angry she is and hurt that her father and step father are not in her life at all. That she feels unwanted and unloved. That she feels like I ignore her too.They suggested counseling (of course) and I told them she refuses to go. They said FORCE HER. So when we get to Mississippi I am taking her to a psychologist immediatley. I told the one officer here that we are moving there and he said that made the threat level pretty much nil as far as they are concerned. They are taking it more as a cry for help then as an act of violence. I feel like the shittiest mother on earth. How did this get this way. I again do not know what to do. She skips school , she has experimented with drugs, alcohol and god knows what else. She told them I try to talk to her but that she just can't tell me things. I do not know why she feels that way, She just says. Ewww your my mom. So after we left the police station Bib's and Pan and I went to dinner, I needed to talk to my baby. Bibs and Pan are close and I wanted both of them to know that it is okay with me if Pan confides in Bibs.That it won't hurt my feelings. With the understanding that if Bibs thinks I need to be aware of something she has the right to tell me. I didn't specify what those things where. I trust my friends judgement. We are all hoping that this helps alot. I feel like an ass. I feel lost. I feel helpless. And it is killing me to know that Pan is feeling this same way. On the way to have dinner she finally admitted to us that she did it. Oddly enough I had a strange moment of pride in her that she admitted to it.Yes I know thats twisted. I just keep telling her that alot of really great people like herself have made terrible mistakes, and that it is one way we learn about who we are and who we want to be. And sometimes what seems to be a terrible mistake will turn out to be something incredible in the end. Sometimes the most healing comes from fucking up really really bad.More later, now I must go be cheered up by reading other peoples blogs. God I hope someone has something funny to say or share.. I wish you all a better day then mine.

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