Monday, January 15, 2007


I just love frustration. Don't you!
Billy sent me a message on myspace telling me he didn't think he was the one for me and blah blah blah. All because he got kicked out of his nephews house for some dumb argument. He believe he was just a thorn in the side of humanity. He was going through something rough. I was able to talk to him though and got everything straighted out. He is now on his way to Arizona. He has quite the life. I am going to be going to see him in Arizona when he gets there and I get my check and different things come through. I don't know whats going to happen from there. I know I want to see him and talk to him in person. I don't know what I will do after that..I am a bit confused at this point and frankly I don't know that he will actually contact me again. So I am playing it by ear. I just know that he has been away for seven months now and I haven't seen any changes other then changes in residence for him. I think he should have stayed in Alabama and so does he. He wants to go back there and I think he should. He was doing very well there. Montana won't work for either one of us come to find out .Hell the winter here has driven me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever felt. My job is on the line. I don't know if I am fired yet or not. I talked to the administrator today and we got some things straightend out. But I am confindent that if I do lose my job I will find another one that will work for me. I just have no clue what that will be. I still want to do animal massage and am thinking I should just go get a business lisense and get busy trying to do that here. I don't know. I have some decisions to make. Sierra and Lynn are coming back to me in June and I need to make sure I am stable wherever I decide to go. If I decide to go. I am no longer sure that Billy is the right person for me. At the moment it doesn't seem to be that way. He is shutting me out a lot again. And I know what that means. So I just need to make a choice. Ya I know I already said that. I just don't think he loves me the way he says he does. If he did wouldn't things be different??
I just am so tired of being alone. I am almost 36 years old. I really just want to be in a happy relationship at this point in my life. I want a partner. A witness to my life. Some one I can lean on and who knows he can lean on me. I really wanted that person to be Billy. I love him so much. But there are some deep issues there that really need to be worked on. He keep saying that it can work.. Okay , well when will that be happening?
Anyway, I have a lot to think about. More later.

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