Sunday, January 21, 2007


Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I wonder wha the hell I am thinking.
Things are so up in the air for me right now. I have been meeting a lot of interesting men online at different places and that is really making me think that I should follow advice I would give to anyone else in my situation. Dump the Billy. Get on with my own life. Meet some one else and make a go of that. But see my heart just won't agree with my brain and when ever I think about doing that. My whole entire body does this strange thing and I feel like screaming NOOOOOOO.
I have never had that feeling before in my entire life. I know I am supposed to be with Billy. I am not sure its supposed to be right now. There are some things that man has to do to make things right. I have written him a very long letter telling him all these things too.
I also told him, I want to run away. From everything. I just want to hop on a bus or something and just disapear. Not tell anyone where I am or where I am going. NO ONE. I guess I feel like pulling a Billy. Only he keeps in contact with some folks. Me for insance. At this point I am not sure if I would contact any one at all. I want to hide. I want to take my wounds to some far off place and let them heal. I want to get away from everything that has ever caused me pain.
I cannot however get away from myself. This isn't a movie and I can't cut out my heart and bury it on some far off Island. All this runs through my mind and I think I am going crazy.
It feels that way sometimes. Like there is this tiny little me inside my brain and it is screaming and just coming undone. There is a hurrican in my brain and it is fucking with my thought processes immensely. I just want to sleep. For the rest of my life. In dreamland my life is sooo much different then the one I am trying to live.

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