Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Cannon Ball

I think when I was born this is what I was thinking. As in spirit formed I jumped into a crazy life with both feet and no fear.
What did I have to be afraid of after all. Life is just a temporary learning experience right?
Yeah, except it doesn't feel so temporary when you are here struggling with life altering decisions. I seem to have a lot of those to make lately. There is a definite labryth of cross roads ahead of me, no matter what choices I have made in the last year, another cross roads has popped up and a plethera of choices where there to be made.
The choices I have made have caused my children and I a great amount of grief and regret on my part. But then again..... Sierra and Lynn are getting to know their dad again, and getting to know his side of the family, trully for the first time. And I am getting mother daughter time with my oldest who really needs me at this point in her turbulent teenage life. My biggest fear is that I will make a terrible decision that will have resounding repurcusions for many many years.
Taking care of me for the first time in my life is turning out to be more difficult then I ever imagined. I never ever would have thought it so hard to concentrate on my own life and the direction it is going in. I have been getting more sleep lately, following my bodies natural rythyms. I feel smarter and more aware of whats going on because my brain is functioning more properly. Yet I still feel like an asshat, because I don't know what I really want to do. I am not even sure of what I need to do. Amanda doesn't want to move out of state again. Not even five hours away. She is 16 almost and has the right, I feel, to make that choice. But where would she stay? And should I really let her stay here? Shouldn't I make her come with me, because I feel its right to move to Oregon so the other two can be close to their father and his mother and grandmother? Should I let her stay here so she doesn't have to change schools again. Let her graduate from this school, then she can go where ever the wind blows her. I never wanted my kids to feel that they had to stay in one place. I always wanted them to feel free,that the world is their oyster and they can see it all if they want to. I don't want them to be afraid to explore their world. Now I am afraid that I have made Amanda fear change, fear trying new things. Just because of me and my dumb ass never providing stability for long periods of time. Icurumba what have I done? What should I do? I am still feeling so lost, even though I feel its best to move to Oregon. Is it really whats best for all of us????

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