Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dear dad

Its amazing the memories that are going through my mind all day. Not knowing what is going on with the surgery they are performing on your brain. Its scary you know. Finding out that you made it through surgery doing well and moving your body. We play the waiting game now to see what kind of speech and understanding you will have.
Maybe you will be the lucky one and forget all the hate you have for me. And I will be the lucky one to be welcomed back into your life.
I miss you. Even though you are so close. Never getting to talk to you and knowing how old and rickety you are now. Major stroke aside.
The only words that keep ringing in my brain all day have been in my small little girl voice.
"big ol man ol daddy!"
I love you so much Dad. I know you hate me. I don't care. I love you.
I am worried and stressed out about your quality of life now and if mom will be able to handle it.
I know I can help her take care of you. But will either of you allow me to do that. Even though it will take a large burden off her shoulders. Does the hate run that deep?
I hope that this is all just doom and gloom on my part. I know you are both of an age where these things start happening. Hell its my chosen line of work, work I love.
But that none the less did not prepare me for the phone call from Vicki today.
I have crixed off and on all day. As has Amanda. I haven't been able to get in touch with Jason and the girls yet. I called Dan. He is worried too. Jen cried with me. Even though she is angry with you for how you treat me. She knows I love you and she loves you too. Thats what best friends do. My moo Donna called her mom and set up a prayer chain. My friend Wanda did the same.
I have asked for prayers from everyone I know. I want you to keep going. I want you to be the same Dennis Barclay you have always been. Unrealistic I know. Fantasy it may be. But prayers can do amazing things. Maybe not because their is an actual god. Maybe just because so many people are putting it out into the universe that it can't help but come true.
You aren't awake yet. I know. But I pray when you wake up you say something very Denny and then everyone will sigh and say ." yup it worked!"
I wish we could fix things between us. I wish their was time. I pray for time. Please don't let this be the end. Please don't go away. Not yet. I love you so much.
I need my daddy still.
Not that I need something from you. I just need you. Smart ass asshattery and all.
I need to see you breathing and talking smack.
I need to see that you can still look at mom the same way with mischievious twinkle in your eye that says nothing but how much you love her.
I need to hear you call Vicki rat kid again.
I want to hear you laugh at something I said. I want to hear you call me an asswhole and a piece of shit again. Thats you.
Thats what I want. Your wholeness.
We can fix the whole asshole piece of shit issue later. As long as you can understand that I love you and that I need my daddy we are all good.
I love you.
Please please please be a miracle my big ol man ol daddy..PLEASE

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