I want to go to school there. There is no one there that I know at the moment. I told Billy in a letter that that is where I want to go. He said he would go there too. So some one will be there. Jen might or might not go with me. She is having a hard time making up her mind on exactly how she feels about Chad and there whole relationship.
I don't care if she goes or not. I don't care if Billy goes or not. I am going there FOR ME.
For some people this seems difficult to grasp. Which is surprising to me. But hey thats there problem not mine. I want to go to Montana to go to school and to do Animal Massage Therapy.
I have a lot of plans under my hat and many achievable dreams to make come true. Afraid? Sure who wouldn't be. There are things that scare me. Being so far away from my kids for one. But a helluva lot closer then Ms ! Being by myself in an unknown place. The responsibilities coming my way. The changes coming my way that I am bringing on myself! All of those things are scary. But they are worth facing! And I won't be so far from my kids that I couldn't get to them. They will be with me again soon. And we will all have had some neat experiences to share with eachother. I don't really want to leave Pan here but she doesn't want to go with me. She is finally back in school again and I don't want to make her change schools for a third time. Belle and Lynn are excited about Oregon. They haven't seen there dad in almost two years. They haven't seen There Grandma or great grandma in much longer then that. Or that Aunt Kimmie.
And again I don't want them to have to change schools again this year either. They have traveled about the country enough this year and need to be stable so they can go to school.
I am afraid of leaving them with there dad. That scares me to death. BUT he is their father and he does need to see them and they need to spend time with him too. Okay I feel I have explained myself quite enough when I really have no need to do that. SO I will not be doing that anymore after today either. This blog is going to become my Journal about my life changing because I am making it change. It is no longer going to be the journal of a loser.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
HOME
HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be!
Great love to all.
Blessed Be!
HOME
HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be
Great love to all.
Blessed Be
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
GOING HOME TODAY!!!
Here in just a little bit we will be driving to New Orleans again. The girls and I are flying home today!!!! YAY!!! I cannot wait to get to Washington. To feel the chill in the air again!
To see the mountains and the big big big big water!! To smell the salt air, to be where I know where I am. OH HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!
Then in a few months time I will be moving to Montana, Not to far from beloved home and all my family and friends. But far enough away to make a completely different life for myself away from everything. To reinvent myself to who I always wanted to be and should have just been.
I have already began the process. I will be honing it in Montana. I plan on attending college there!!! YAY ME AGAIN!!!
I'm changing my life people! I hope you will all come along and watch me make a complete turn around from the person you have known here before.
GOING HOME TODAY!!!!! Should be in Seattle about 9 pm!!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!!
To see the mountains and the big big big big water!! To smell the salt air, to be where I know where I am. OH HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!
Then in a few months time I will be moving to Montana, Not to far from beloved home and all my family and friends. But far enough away to make a completely different life for myself away from everything. To reinvent myself to who I always wanted to be and should have just been.
I have already began the process. I will be honing it in Montana. I plan on attending college there!!! YAY ME AGAIN!!!
I'm changing my life people! I hope you will all come along and watch me make a complete turn around from the person you have known here before.
GOING HOME TODAY!!!!! Should be in Seattle about 9 pm!!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Laughter plays like light across the room
Sweep up that twinkling dust with thy broom.
When you are yourself
you take it all in
you change the world when you believe.
Laughter leaks light water through a sieve
Do you believe in love, do you believe in you
I cannot tell myself from you
I cannot make the world alter for myself
But I can alter myself to change the world.
Where are we going its all confused
what should we do, we are lost like you
Tangled and torn we bleed
We feel, we weep, we need
to believe
Laughter brightens every life
Lips on the moon, to kiss the sky
What do we do when a hero dies?
The world shall cry tears of lost faith
The pope shall make a stupid speech.
Crying doesn't make it better, except inside.
Laughter is what the world needs,
to change the tide.
What can I do now.
I don't even know.
I guess I will laugh
On with the show.
Sweep up that twinkling dust with thy broom.
When you are yourself
you take it all in
you change the world when you believe.
Laughter leaks light water through a sieve
Do you believe in love, do you believe in you
I cannot tell myself from you
I cannot make the world alter for myself
But I can alter myself to change the world.
Where are we going its all confused
what should we do, we are lost like you
Tangled and torn we bleed
We feel, we weep, we need
to believe
Laughter brightens every life
Lips on the moon, to kiss the sky
What do we do when a hero dies?
The world shall cry tears of lost faith
The pope shall make a stupid speech.
Crying doesn't make it better, except inside.
Laughter is what the world needs,
to change the tide.
What can I do now.
I don't even know.
I guess I will laugh
On with the show.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
New Orleans
Derek and I took Amanda to the airport in New Orleans yesterday. She was very happy to be going home and she made it to Seattle just fine! YAY! I was worried because she had to change planes in Dallas by herself but she is an able kid even though she wants everyone to believe she is not!
While going into New Orleans I was struck by how even the bend of the naked trees is testament to how severely Katrina whipped New Orleans ass last year. Further in it was very easy to tell who had the temerity and the money to rebuild and who didn't. There is still mass destruction down there. There are building still ripped open at the sides and rooves still missing, some covered in blue tarps, some just left alone. Broken windows and doors off their hinges where common, Deserted apartment complexes and department stores like Wal*Mart and Sears and major gas stations stood empty. I couldn't believe Wal*Mart hadn't reopened that store. I told Derek I would have thought they would have been right on top of that to help the community by providing jobs and such with new construction and then running the store. He said it was a ghost town out there, no one to work anyway, and that even Wendys was paying 9.50 and hour just to try to get people to work there.
The closer we got to the airport the more people and reconstruction we saw. Some neighborhoods where still completey empty, others where dotted with people who could.
The better richer looking neighborhoods where doing great. And the mom and pop places seemed to be doing much better then bigger stores. I realized that its about half right now.
And that the people of New Orleans haven't given up, those who didn't come back just started their lives over somewhere else. I believe that those empty places might someday fill up again. Something tells me it will be all new folks that go there though and those who left for shall we say drier ground. While New Orleans was an awesome place with an awesome spirit and I wanted to stay for awhile even just to walk around and absorb that spirit. I wouldn't have been able to stay for long. There is also an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. There are some spirits there who still don't know what happend to them and they wander aimlessly through what once was their lives.
I must give props to those who have stayed in New Orleans and fixed the damage and have rebuilt their lives. That is not an easy task. I know. I have done it several times and am doing it now.
I am hoping that when we go to the airport again for the girls and I to leave that we can stop somewhere, just for a little while and take in the atmosphere of that beautiful city.
While going into New Orleans I was struck by how even the bend of the naked trees is testament to how severely Katrina whipped New Orleans ass last year. Further in it was very easy to tell who had the temerity and the money to rebuild and who didn't. There is still mass destruction down there. There are building still ripped open at the sides and rooves still missing, some covered in blue tarps, some just left alone. Broken windows and doors off their hinges where common, Deserted apartment complexes and department stores like Wal*Mart and Sears and major gas stations stood empty. I couldn't believe Wal*Mart hadn't reopened that store. I told Derek I would have thought they would have been right on top of that to help the community by providing jobs and such with new construction and then running the store. He said it was a ghost town out there, no one to work anyway, and that even Wendys was paying 9.50 and hour just to try to get people to work there.
The closer we got to the airport the more people and reconstruction we saw. Some neighborhoods where still completey empty, others where dotted with people who could.
The better richer looking neighborhoods where doing great. And the mom and pop places seemed to be doing much better then bigger stores. I realized that its about half right now.
And that the people of New Orleans haven't given up, those who didn't come back just started their lives over somewhere else. I believe that those empty places might someday fill up again. Something tells me it will be all new folks that go there though and those who left for shall we say drier ground. While New Orleans was an awesome place with an awesome spirit and I wanted to stay for awhile even just to walk around and absorb that spirit. I wouldn't have been able to stay for long. There is also an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. There are some spirits there who still don't know what happend to them and they wander aimlessly through what once was their lives.
I must give props to those who have stayed in New Orleans and fixed the damage and have rebuilt their lives. That is not an easy task. I know. I have done it several times and am doing it now.
I am hoping that when we go to the airport again for the girls and I to leave that we can stop somewhere, just for a little while and take in the atmosphere of that beautiful city.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Well today was interesting
Well okay not really. It was Lynns 10th birthday! I can't believe she is so big. Holy crap. We had a party blah blah blah. I know I usually write something special about the kids birthdays. Its just not in me right now and that is the truth. I am still waiting to hear from Jason on wether he wants to take the kids or not. Jen bought me and Lynn and Belle plane tickets so we are going home on the 26th. My folks bought Amanda a plane ticket and she is leaving on the 12th. I cannot wait to go home and just start my life over and do it right this time. I have learned a lot through this and rediscovered my strength. I got a lovely letter from Billy today. All sugar and spice and everything wonderful that a girl wants to hear. I wrote him back letting him know I am going to Washington and if he trully meant it that he would do whatever I asked to be given a second chance then he needs to come to me there. And then there is a big long ass list of what he needs to do to get that chance and to keep me around if he gets the chance.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to leave him behind in Kentucky. I believe he really is sorry for the pain he caused. I don't know if I believe he will do whatever it takes to get me back. We will just have to be patient on that one. Most of my friends and family understand where I am coming from and how I am thinking. People fuck up. Its human nature. Do they always correct what they have done and then do what they need to do to make life good again. I don't know. For myself I know I feel like I have woken up after being checked out for awhile. My sister T and I talked about that last night and today. I have been asleep and living remotely for a few years now and just let things happen as they would. I figured everything would work out fine I just had to believe and then sit back and watch it come to fruition. HELLO!
Ya, just in case your wondering. That doesn't work. If you really need proof just read this blog over the last year. Ya that woke me up too. I think the biggest factor was that quote I saw somewhere online. " Don't let someone else be your priority and you be their option."
WOW. Oprah light bulb moment for this Queen.
I can't believe what I have let my life become and the path I have taken my children down.
I can't believe I let that apartment go. I can't believe I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. I so miss my dog. I can't believe that I am now at the point where I had to come three thousand miles from home to learn to look inside myself for the strength I needed to do what I need to do. I can't believe that now my children are going off to different places because I am such an insufficient mother. Getting down on myself will not do any good though. I need to stay strong and keep my wits about me if I am to fix this situation for once and for all. I guess we will see how I do now won't we. Time to stay awake for awhile Queenie.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to leave him behind in Kentucky. I believe he really is sorry for the pain he caused. I don't know if I believe he will do whatever it takes to get me back. We will just have to be patient on that one. Most of my friends and family understand where I am coming from and how I am thinking. People fuck up. Its human nature. Do they always correct what they have done and then do what they need to do to make life good again. I don't know. For myself I know I feel like I have woken up after being checked out for awhile. My sister T and I talked about that last night and today. I have been asleep and living remotely for a few years now and just let things happen as they would. I figured everything would work out fine I just had to believe and then sit back and watch it come to fruition. HELLO!
Ya, just in case your wondering. That doesn't work. If you really need proof just read this blog over the last year. Ya that woke me up too. I think the biggest factor was that quote I saw somewhere online. " Don't let someone else be your priority and you be their option."
WOW. Oprah light bulb moment for this Queen.
I can't believe what I have let my life become and the path I have taken my children down.
I can't believe I let that apartment go. I can't believe I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. I so miss my dog. I can't believe that I am now at the point where I had to come three thousand miles from home to learn to look inside myself for the strength I needed to do what I need to do. I can't believe that now my children are going off to different places because I am such an insufficient mother. Getting down on myself will not do any good though. I need to stay strong and keep my wits about me if I am to fix this situation for once and for all. I guess we will see how I do now won't we. Time to stay awake for awhile Queenie.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
MY LIFE IN A CEREAL BOX FULL OF FRUIT LOOPS
I am the biggest one in the box.
Call me crazy call me insane. I forgive Billy and I want to be with him again. I got a letter from him today. It wasn't the greatest letter seeing as he is really pissed off that I called his PO. But he feels like a shmuck for what he did and wants to fix things. I think I should give him the chance. I think he should give me a chance. I took his freedom by calling his PO. In Billys book that is like cheating on me is to me. Granted he could have saved himself the trouble by doing what he needed to do. But all the same I called and got him thrown in jail. It matters not that I was concerned. It matters that I called. At least to his mind anyway. Just as it matters not why he cheated on me. It just matters that he did. Can these things be forgiven. Yes. They can.
Why would I want to fogive him. Because I love him and he loves me and I believe that people make mistakes and learning lessons for themselves. I happen to know a lot of people who have cheated or done other things in their relationships that weren't right. They where forgiven and forgave the wrongs done to them and they are still going strong and happy in those same relationships. Why should this be any different. Billy and I are just as human as everyone else.
Lets not forget that I also screwed up by believing I could trust Clay. That turned out to be a wrotten situation and I can't take it back. I can't go back in time and decide to go home with Mouse. I believe that my girls are going to be going to live with their dad. He got the chance he needed to get his life on track and now I need mine. The kids are excited at the prospect of seeing him and living with him for awhile and meeting his new fiance and seeing that side of their family again after so long. I don't want them to go away, but at this point I have screwed things up so badly and it is affecting them so much that I feel they need the stability that their father can now provide. The stability that is not mine right now.
Things are not so great here in Hattiesburg. Derek can't handle living with five young women and one old one. He is going crazy and taking it out on all of us,.But more the kids and especially Amanda. Amanda has a mouth on her and she isn't quite about how she feels. I have taught her not to be. She gets told to shut the fuck up and that severly pisses me off. Then Derek and I fight. I am beginning to hate him and I don't want to do that as he is my very best friend in the entire world besides Billy. See that is the other thing about Billy. It has been a long time since I had a relationship with a man that was also my best friend. Jason and I were only friends in the bedroom or when we weren't together and then only long enough to get into the bedroom!
John hated me, he must have, he hit me all the time and as we all know, that is not love.
Billy is my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything. We don't normally have this communication distance between us or this physical distance either. We finish eachothers sentences for christs sakes. Or we say the same thing at the same time and end up saying jinx. I think we owe eachother at least one truck load of cokes!
We like the same things, and different things to. We like to do a lot of the same things and are open to trying new things together. We are both allergic to mushrooms. And our favorite color is green. Although he loves Chrome and I love purple. He loves my kids and he loves animals.
I like big rigs and muscle cars and kick ass paint jobs. I don't know, I guess we will either figure it out or we won't. All I know is that I love him and fogive him and I hope he can forgive me for earning my bitch certificate by something I did to him.
More later need sleep. Still feeling yucky.
Call me crazy call me insane. I forgive Billy and I want to be with him again. I got a letter from him today. It wasn't the greatest letter seeing as he is really pissed off that I called his PO. But he feels like a shmuck for what he did and wants to fix things. I think I should give him the chance. I think he should give me a chance. I took his freedom by calling his PO. In Billys book that is like cheating on me is to me. Granted he could have saved himself the trouble by doing what he needed to do. But all the same I called and got him thrown in jail. It matters not that I was concerned. It matters that I called. At least to his mind anyway. Just as it matters not why he cheated on me. It just matters that he did. Can these things be forgiven. Yes. They can.
Why would I want to fogive him. Because I love him and he loves me and I believe that people make mistakes and learning lessons for themselves. I happen to know a lot of people who have cheated or done other things in their relationships that weren't right. They where forgiven and forgave the wrongs done to them and they are still going strong and happy in those same relationships. Why should this be any different. Billy and I are just as human as everyone else.
Lets not forget that I also screwed up by believing I could trust Clay. That turned out to be a wrotten situation and I can't take it back. I can't go back in time and decide to go home with Mouse. I believe that my girls are going to be going to live with their dad. He got the chance he needed to get his life on track and now I need mine. The kids are excited at the prospect of seeing him and living with him for awhile and meeting his new fiance and seeing that side of their family again after so long. I don't want them to go away, but at this point I have screwed things up so badly and it is affecting them so much that I feel they need the stability that their father can now provide. The stability that is not mine right now.
Things are not so great here in Hattiesburg. Derek can't handle living with five young women and one old one. He is going crazy and taking it out on all of us,.But more the kids and especially Amanda. Amanda has a mouth on her and she isn't quite about how she feels. I have taught her not to be. She gets told to shut the fuck up and that severly pisses me off. Then Derek and I fight. I am beginning to hate him and I don't want to do that as he is my very best friend in the entire world besides Billy. See that is the other thing about Billy. It has been a long time since I had a relationship with a man that was also my best friend. Jason and I were only friends in the bedroom or when we weren't together and then only long enough to get into the bedroom!
John hated me, he must have, he hit me all the time and as we all know, that is not love.
Billy is my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything. We don't normally have this communication distance between us or this physical distance either. We finish eachothers sentences for christs sakes. Or we say the same thing at the same time and end up saying jinx. I think we owe eachother at least one truck load of cokes!
We like the same things, and different things to. We like to do a lot of the same things and are open to trying new things together. We are both allergic to mushrooms. And our favorite color is green. Although he loves Chrome and I love purple. He loves my kids and he loves animals.
I like big rigs and muscle cars and kick ass paint jobs. I don't know, I guess we will either figure it out or we won't. All I know is that I love him and fogive him and I hope he can forgive me for earning my bitch certificate by something I did to him.
More later need sleep. Still feeling yucky.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Mother Earth Takes Back One Of Her Favorites Today
Steve Irwin ( the crocodile hunter) passed away today while filming amongst sting rays.
Steve was an incredible man who loved his planet and made great strides in conservation and education. He had a way with animals that could never be reproduced or copied. Mother Earth took back a true son of her soul when she brought Steve back into herself today. The people of the world should weep today. We have trully lost a savior to our planet. Tomarrow we should sing and dance in his memory and for every day after do all that we can to save this world and the animals in it as Steve tried to do with every breath he took and every beat of his heart.
My thoughts go out to his wife and children today. Those kids can grow up knwoing there daddy was a true hero.