Saturday, September 09, 2006

Well today was interesting

Well okay not really. It was Lynns 10th birthday! I can't believe she is so big. Holy crap. We had a party blah blah blah. I know I usually write something special about the kids birthdays. Its just not in me right now and that is the truth. I am still waiting to hear from Jason on wether he wants to take the kids or not. Jen bought me and Lynn and Belle plane tickets so we are going home on the 26th. My folks bought Amanda a plane ticket and she is leaving on the 12th. I cannot wait to go home and just start my life over and do it right this time. I have learned a lot through this and rediscovered my strength. I got a lovely letter from Billy today. All sugar and spice and everything wonderful that a girl wants to hear. I wrote him back letting him know I am going to Washington and if he trully meant it that he would do whatever I asked to be given a second chance then he needs to come to me there. And then there is a big long ass list of what he needs to do to get that chance and to keep me around if he gets the chance.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to leave him behind in Kentucky. I believe he really is sorry for the pain he caused. I don't know if I believe he will do whatever it takes to get me back. We will just have to be patient on that one. Most of my friends and family understand where I am coming from and how I am thinking. People fuck up. Its human nature. Do they always correct what they have done and then do what they need to do to make life good again. I don't know. For myself I know I feel like I have woken up after being checked out for awhile. My sister T and I talked about that last night and today. I have been asleep and living remotely for a few years now and just let things happen as they would. I figured everything would work out fine I just had to believe and then sit back and watch it come to fruition. HELLO!
Ya, just in case your wondering. That doesn't work. If you really need proof just read this blog over the last year. Ya that woke me up too. I think the biggest factor was that quote I saw somewhere online. " Don't let someone else be your priority and you be their option."
WOW. Oprah light bulb moment for this Queen.
I can't believe what I have let my life become and the path I have taken my children down.
I can't believe I let that apartment go. I can't believe I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. I so miss my dog. I can't believe that I am now at the point where I had to come three thousand miles from home to learn to look inside myself for the strength I needed to do what I need to do. I can't believe that now my children are going off to different places because I am such an insufficient mother. Getting down on myself will not do any good though. I need to stay strong and keep my wits about me if I am to fix this situation for once and for all. I guess we will see how I do now won't we. Time to stay awake for awhile Queenie.

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