Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I am the biggest one in the box.
Call me crazy call me insane. I forgive Billy and I want to be with him again. I got a letter from him today. It wasn't the greatest letter seeing as he is really pissed off that I called his PO. But he feels like a shmuck for what he did and wants to fix things. I think I should give him the chance. I think he should give me a chance. I took his freedom by calling his PO. In Billys book that is like cheating on me is to me. Granted he could have saved himself the trouble by doing what he needed to do. But all the same I called and got him thrown in jail. It matters not that I was concerned. It matters that I called. At least to his mind anyway. Just as it matters not why he cheated on me. It just matters that he did. Can these things be forgiven. Yes. They can.
Why would I want to fogive him. Because I love him and he loves me and I believe that people make mistakes and learning lessons for themselves. I happen to know a lot of people who have cheated or done other things in their relationships that weren't right. They where forgiven and forgave the wrongs done to them and they are still going strong and happy in those same relationships. Why should this be any different. Billy and I are just as human as everyone else.
Lets not forget that I also screwed up by believing I could trust Clay. That turned out to be a wrotten situation and I can't take it back. I can't go back in time and decide to go home with Mouse. I believe that my girls are going to be going to live with their dad. He got the chance he needed to get his life on track and now I need mine. The kids are excited at the prospect of seeing him and living with him for awhile and meeting his new fiance and seeing that side of their family again after so long. I don't want them to go away, but at this point I have screwed things up so badly and it is affecting them so much that I feel they need the stability that their father can now provide. The stability that is not mine right now.
Things are not so great here in Hattiesburg. Derek can't handle living with five young women and one old one. He is going crazy and taking it out on all of us,.But more the kids and especially Amanda. Amanda has a mouth on her and she isn't quite about how she feels. I have taught her not to be. She gets told to shut the fuck up and that severly pisses me off. Then Derek and I fight. I am beginning to hate him and I don't want to do that as he is my very best friend in the entire world besides Billy. See that is the other thing about Billy. It has been a long time since I had a relationship with a man that was also my best friend. Jason and I were only friends in the bedroom or when we weren't together and then only long enough to get into the bedroom!
John hated me, he must have, he hit me all the time and as we all know, that is not love.
Billy is my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything. We don't normally have this communication distance between us or this physical distance either. We finish eachothers sentences for christs sakes. Or we say the same thing at the same time and end up saying jinx. I think we owe eachother at least one truck load of cokes!
We like the same things, and different things to. We like to do a lot of the same things and are open to trying new things together. We are both allergic to mushrooms. And our favorite color is green. Although he loves Chrome and I love purple. He loves my kids and he loves animals.
I like big rigs and muscle cars and kick ass paint jobs. I don't know, I guess we will either figure it out or we won't. All I know is that I love him and fogive him and I hope he can forgive me for earning my bitch certificate by something I did to him.
More later need sleep. Still feeling yucky.

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