Don't know what to think

I don't know what to think about Joan, ( my mom) sometimes... I think she is crazier now then when I was a kid. And I know part of it must be because of whats going on with my dad. I called her the other day to find out what nursing home he is in,. And she told me, then I asked her if there was any way I could get copies of pictures of the all the MTA people. Because all us kids want to have a reunion. She said she would think about it and it was a fairly pleasant conversation. About a half hour or so later she called me...." Hey Denise, could you just not call me unless its something really super important...I just can't deal with all your drama right now, this is hard enough without having to deal with you and your drama. Can't you just take care of yoru daughter or something. ( here she starts bawling) I just know you have your dad dead already, and I'm sure you have already written the poem for him, I just can't hand...le. It. This is just too much, this is just so hard and I don't know why you are calling me with drama...( she is getting hysterical now) I just can't do it all anymore, just don't call me about anything unless its really super important. Just leave me alone, I don't have anything for you and I'm not helping you have a memorial for your dad.. This is where I stopped her, I said, " I'm really very sorry you took my request that way, I apologize, this isn't easy for me I know how difficult it must be for you.. I am very sorry that you took it that way, That was very much not what I was requesting pictures for... Then she hung up on me.....WTF???
I don't get it. I really really don't get it!! Of course I wish my father wasn't living like this, of course I wish he had passed away with the stroke. I know he wouldn't want to live the way he is living!! But of course I don't have him dead already. and of course I haven't written a poem for him yet!!! I just wanted some copies of pictures to share with all the other kids! Who are now adults just like me and we want to walk down memory lane together and have a great time. It has nothing to do with my dad, and everything to do with ALL the MTA people, the cabin, us kids and all the wonderful summers we spent together! And I know this is hard for her, I know she is going thru hell.. He's my DAD. Does she think its easy for me to know the condition he is in, does she think it is easy for me to handle, does she think I don't think about him every waking moment and even in my sleep??? I really don't understand.

random wanderings through my nearly vacant mind

Things don't make sense.


Life is so terribly " Oh look a chicken!" Random

I wonder if the toilet will flush yet??

HUH

I also wonder what people would think if they knew what I was really thinking?

I imagine the looks on certain faces if they where to discover I do most of my writing while naked

what can I say, It just helps things flow to not feel all bound down by earthly things.

So ya, I'm naked..but try not to picture that. It could cause irrepairable harm to some of you, and random masterbation for others... Heh, now that is something I don't want to think about!!

ya, actually I wanna know.

I'm a freak just like my daddy always said.

In more ways then 99.9 percent of all the people I know, will EVER know.

Exept now ya all prolly have ideas. I wonder who and how many could guess right?

I want ice cream. JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM we need to go back to that Icecream shop!

You know the great little place in Granite....they have LICORICE!!

Can't beat that!!

Is it wierd that I wonder who drives my dads tugs now?, and I wonder who will crack jokes the way he did?, and then I realize neither answer matters. Because no one can do either the way he did.

My dad can never be replaced. Jen can never be replaced. None of us can EVER be replaced.

We are all the same yes, because we are people and we have many similarities in personality and such. But no one, is exactly like you, or me, or joe blow down the block. THAT is amazing, Billions of people on the planet and no two are exactly alike, Even identical twins are different SOMEHOW.

Thats just breath taking to think about. I want to meet everyone! Even the mean people. I want to know what makes each person tick. I want to laugh with everyone, love with everyone, and just be, with everyone. Yes I realize I am a freak I have stated such above. Get over it. Or go away.

I am so very much in love...with my kids, my friends, life, Jim...god thats scary. OH look a chicken!

I need to learn how to post pics in the bodies of these things. I so want to put a pic of the rooster right before the beginning of this sentence. Lmao he is out there crowing now, I think he has esp, because anytime we go outside he comes running. Even if he is on the opposite side of the house. He is one gifted rooster I guess. Not much of a name though. Chicken..huh, brilliant and creative Shelby!

I am so ready to go do something this evening, I need to get out of this house. After the excitement of last night and the complete let down of this afternoon....Devestation hits just as fast and hard as elation. I feel flattened. Jen has got to feel positivley transparent with grief.

Okay I can't think about that right now. Damn that chicken! I need to make some Tye Dye t shirts and stuff, does any body know how to do that?.....I tye dyed my bras once but it didn't set in, washed out after like three washes. Really sucked. I love tye dye its my favorite color. It represents so much and nothing at all. Its fabulous. Why the hell am I craving seafood, anybody got any clams, or crab er summin....damn mmm shrimp..losbster,,hhhhhuuuhhhhhh drool.

I need to rearrange and organize my room, its a little cramped in here. Its not the smallest room in the house, THANK GOD!! Thank you TJ.. but its crowded a bit now. I need tye dye wall coverings that will make it better!!!!

Need shelves on every wall. for books and movies and nick nacky things,. my fingers hurt from typing to much and my arms hurt from the way I am holding them, And I think Jim is almost here so that means I get to go to wal mart now. YAY!!

Heaven sent gift...almost

So I get this text about 5:30 pm last night. Its from Jen..Its says.." where the hell are you? I'm on my way to get my new body parts!!" I immediately text back " where? when? here? now!!!?"
Response..." swedish hosp. seattle. 11 East, I will be in by 10 pm sug sched for 4 30 am.."
I used to Jims phone. I called her. How awesome wondeful and exciting and amazing and wow. We were just stunned. It really is like how in the movies. You know the scene. The phone rings and they say get on a plane or get to the hospital its time. And the person runs around crying calling everyone they know while their scrambling to get ready to leave. It just happend so fast she said. She just got this call out of nowhere to come to Seattle to get on a plane and fly her happy ass to Seattle. WOW. Shock!!!
I was able to call her at the hospital last night. They where doing all the preliminary stuff.. checking her sugars hooking her up to iv lines all that stuff. We had to get off the phone because a team of people came in the room. I wasn't able to call the hospital again until this afternoon. I was told they sent my Nej home. There was something wrong with the pancreas and she really needs both a pancreas and a kidney so even though the kidney was fine she couldn't get both and so they sent her home. Devastation hits just as fast as Elation. I feel flattend. And I can only imagine how Jen feels. She is flying home right now, away from the promise of a new lease on life. It had to be like getting the death sentence all over again. I can't stop crying. Neither can my sister. We love Jen. The three of us have triquetras on our left shoulders. Matching identical tattoos that we got on the same day. Sybolizing the power of three. She is our sister. Last night it was such a high point. Past the sky beyond heaven. Now today. This news is just as incredible. Its just on the bad end. I can't believe how cruel life can be sometimes. I just want my friend to live. I am so greatful to the family of the young man who died... they made the decision to donate any viable organs. His passing will mean life to many others. Just not Jen. Not this time. My thoughts are with all involved..... I can't stop crying

New ink for me and Jim

He is so good to me!! We went out yesterday on a mission to get him a new tattoo and I ended up getting one too. Love him!!!! How can I not love a man who gets me ink! And ahhhhh the glorious pain of getting a tattoo. There is nothing like it in the world. It is the perfect pain. He wants me to get my hood pierced, he is willing to pay for it even. I have never been pierced there but I have been pierced other places and I am not sure that would be a good pain or a bad pain, but I am sure the fuck willing to try it out!!!! As long as he is holding my hand of course. Have to show off our new body art so here are some pics.............

This looks weird but I couldn't change it so here you have it., the faith is mine, its on the inside of my right wrist, and his of course is the lion, his birthday is on the 19th and he is a leo, this was his b day present to himself. I am so not telling you what he is getting from me. The other pic is the two of us just chillin. Its nice to have a best friend who is around all the time!!

bleh

Not feeling well at all. Ended up in the hospital for the better part of yesterday. Turns out I have a rather severe kidney bladder and urinry tract infection. There was a lot of blood in my urine and blood clots. I could possibly have kidney stones. And my mom has informed me that I could have the same thing she and my brother have...Mccartles Disease which is a glucogen storage disorder and I guess it does this. I have had kidney and bladder problems my entire life. Kidneys failed at three and have always been suseptible to urinary tract infections. However I have never had pain like this! I have never had blood in my or clots in my urine. And it never hurt so bad to pee before. I am concerned about kidney stones, but I am more concerned about the whole McCartles thing. Definately something I am going to have to look into more. Have spent the better part of the day in bed and now I am more or less wide awake, I have to wait another half hour to take my meds so figured I might as well stay up anyway. Jim is snoring away...he had a very long day at work and gets up before god most mornings, I know because I wake them both up! haha....he pretty much came home and crawled in bed with me, poor guy, he said he felt like he'd been drinkin all day he was so tired and had an exhaustion headache from hell. So I got up and made some kick ass oven sammies and cut up some watermelon and brought it to him in bed. He has been so sweet the last couple days. He went straight from work to the hospital yesterday because he was so concerned about me and mad at me for not taking care of myself. I got a helluva lecture that for sure. Then he made sure I had plenty of cranberry juice and lemon lime soda to drink, bought me lunch at subway ( where I ran into young lady I used to babysit and discovered that she is expecting!!!) Then when we got home he made sure I was comfy and had plenty of ice and told Tracy I needed to take care of me and he hoped she would back him up on that because I am all about taking care of all of them all the time. He thinks I spoil him! Thats just me though. I am a care taker, I am mother. I am a caregiver..its just my nature.
He can't get over that I make him lunch every morning and get up with him to get him off to work. I didn't this morning or yesterday morning. He told me he knew something was wrong yesterday when I didn't get up with him. And obviously he knew this morning why I didn't, but he was a little surprised to know that last night when I couldn't sleep I made egg salad sammies for him to take to work. I don't know what is going to come of this with Jim. But I tell ya something, I am really enjoying his company and companionship and knowing that someone gives a flying rats fuck about me.....

daddy

Today was a good day and a bad day. I went to see my dad. I almost didn't recoginize him. He was very sleep as it was later in the afternoon, I hear he is more with it in the early mornings which makes absolute sense. But wow was I not ready for that sight. He doesn't look like my daddy anymore. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. He has lost so much weight and even more of the spark that is him. Jim told me we could go see him again on sunday earlier in the day and I know I need to, and I want to but I don't want to. Seeing him was so damn hard. I just feel so bad for him. I know my mom must go through hell everytime she sees him. I was expecting him to look bad, but not this bad! I have worked in the elderly care business for 12 years and I knew it would be hard to see him the way he is. I debated it and debated it. I want to remember my dad as the strong young man he once was, as the older man who was still traveling and golfing and cracking jokes and making up sayings that you really had to think about before you got it. He was smart as a whip and just a sharp tongued. I miss that. Seeing him was good and bad and really really hard. I have been crying off and on since I saw him.
And all the stuff going on with Jim isn't helping. Thats a long story which I am so not ready to tell at 12 53 in the morning. I need to try to go to sleep.

can't sleep

There is a beautiful naked man in my bed. I can't sleep. And no its not because he is snoring. Which he is but he is a soft snorer. I have gotten very comfortable with him in my bed. Even though he isn't mine and I am not his. I love having him here. I love having his daily companionship. I love being a witness to his life, I love that he is is witnessing mine, that we are able to once again participate in eachothers lives. Its amazing to me that he is in my life and even more amazing that I am getting to spend so much time with him after so very many years apart and not even knowing if he was dead or alive. Its been wonderful getting to know eachother again. There has always been a weird but super cool connection between the two of us. He is going through a very difficult time in his life and I am glad that I can be here for him. He is a trully amazing person and I have missed his presence in my life. The fact that we can reconnect like this and become such an important part of eachothers lives is just awesom. It was funny today, we realized that all those many many many years ago we never broke up. What a hoot we have been cheating on eachother for 20 + years!!! He's been married three times, I have been married twice, we each have children with others. How funny. So all this time later to be in the same house sharing a bed is just incredible. He was my first. And a large part of me is hoping that somehow he will be my last. And many many many years from now. Taking things slow in the relationship department is hard for me. I want more then what he can give right now. We are both aware that he wants more then he give right now. And we have discussed the entire situation. We both understand whats going on. Others in our lives don't quite get it. They don't have to. Jim is my best friend. And lover. And right now, in the moment. Loving eachother is all we can do.