Been here

Well I have been here in Anacortes for almost a month and I have been doing some office work for Janet and have taken care of an elderly woman a few times for a friend who lives with her.
I have been keeping busy trying to earn a little bit of money to get a car. Mike and Janet have one for sale for a thousand bucks but its a big POS and I wouldn't pay a hundred for it. So thats out.
The girls are still far away. Pan is still at her grandparents house. She isn't in jobcore anymore. She got her NAC so she got a job then they fired her because she is only 17. Why the hell did they hire then??
Anyway. I guess she go back when she turns 18. I am sure she will have moved on.
She is a smart kid and I have faith in her.
Not much really to write about. Just frustrated and iritated at not being able to see my babies.

Random

I am happy to be going somewhere clean. Longview is just THE Dirtiest town on the face of the planet and I am so very very very glad that I was not raised down here. Or by Donna.
I know what my brother and sister went through and I have said it before. I will say it again.
Thank God for adoption!
Ya. Joan and Denny weren't always the nicest people in the world. But my sister and I were always clean and lived in a clean house and had nice clothes. Some of them home made!
We had good food to eat every night and didn't know what instability was. We went places and did things and I have so many good memories from my childhood.
It was the teen years that kicked my ass. I was never forgiven for them I think.
I am the first to admit how terrible I was. But damn.
This was not what I was intending to write about but I guess I needed to get it out. Again.
I do have many bad memories while growing up. Things weren't peachy peachy. But they weren't as bad as my brain likes to tell me either. Things didn't get REALLY bad until I was an adult as a matter of fact. And because of that I take half the blame if not all of it.
Not that I am the piece of shit Denny likes to tell me that I am. Not because I am worthless.
But because somehow I failed them. Some how I wasn't good enough. I don't think I ever was. Good enough for them. I never did anything for them to be proud of. I didn't do what ever it was that I was supposed to grow up and do. I understand that they had expectations and I didn't meet them.
I refuse how ever to think so lowly of myself.
I am who I am. My life is what it is because I want it this way.
My path is different from theirs. I do not believe that this makes me a bad person.
I wish they saw it differently. I wish I could change to become what they want.. I just think that that is impossible. And why should I anyway?
I know a contradiction. But I love myself just the way I am.
I thought that being a parent meant that you love your children no matter what. Unconditionally.
I know that I love my children no matter what. So what made me so unloveable to the people who adopted me and promised to give me that love?
I do wish I knew exactly what it is about me that pisses them off so much.
I would honestly love to fix the problem. But I cannot change the very soul of me to make them happy either. I am who I am. I am what I am. I am wonderful. I know I have my faults just like everyone else. But I am a divine spark of the Universe and I am amazing. Just the fact that I am here. We are all amazing. Accepting people for who they are and loving them is one of the biggest leasons we have while we are here. Among so very many more.
I love Joan and Denny and I wish them the best in the world. I miss them somedays. And their are moments when I wish I could call them and get their advice. I learned a long time ago I could not do that. Even when they were talking to me. We never had that kind of relationship. They judged me. And I have judged them for that. No one is perfect. Every one is acceptable.

One last move

Kaite called me and I am definatley moving back to Anacortes.
She is coming down here to Longview to get me this weekend. I am so excited.
I will have my own room again. Ahhh privacy! And I will be buying their little truck from them instead of the rig I was going to buy down here. I think I am most excited about having an actual room and a bed again. Having a kitchen I can cook in. A bathroom and washer and dryer I don't have to feel awkward about using. Its so nice. And Most Most most exciting of all is that I can finally have Pan come and visit me and her boyfriend can come along to if he really wants to.
I am hoping for a mother daughter weekend before the boyfriend thing happens though.
Haven't gotten to really hang out with Pan for a few months now. I am going through withdrawals. I need some time with my oldest.
G and K's baby is due in December so I will be able to be in the room for this one too. Kayla is excited that I am coming back. Even though she wants to steal the room that is going to be mine.
She doesn't even sleep in her bed! She is a couch kid. Too funny, Guess you would have to know the kid to know why its amusing. Just trust me. It is.
Derek should be coming this way sometime in the next week or two also. We are all looking forward to that.
Hello to any who are reading this.

meanderings

Well I actually don't know what it is that I want to say. I just know that there is a lot on my mind.
I miss my kids. I miss my ex-husband. I miss my best friends. They are all really far away.
Anacortes, Nampa, Knoxville, and on the road.
I miss waking up every day with my kids and being around while they are getting ready for school. I miss hugging and kissing them every morning before they leave for the day and telling them " I love you! Have a great day at school!"
I miss the quiet moments I had at home while they were away. I did my thing. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, maybe going grocery shopping. Figuring out what dinner would be.
I miss the noise and chaios that would ensue upon their arrival home. The sound of the bus coming down the road always made me so happy.
Now I see a school bus and it makes me sad. I want to be with my girls everyday. I already know what the empty nest syndrome is all about. I have it in spades.
And I don't even have a nest.
Its very depressing.
I know however that my babies are all happy and healthy and enjoying their days.
At least I hope they enjoy their days.
I pray for their happiness and their health.
I may not be a hands on mom anymore. But I am still their mom.
My duty to be a parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father and that the oldest is in job chore. My priveledge of being their parent is not diminished by the fact that they live with their father, or go to jjob chore. The only thing that could diminish my mother hood is my allowing it to happen. And it won't.
I am their mom.
I gave birth to them. No one else.
I changed their diapers, burped them and fed them and bathed them.
I kissed their boo boo's and read the bedtime stories or sang them lullabyes.
I helped them with their homework and taught them right from wrong.
I did their laundry and cleaned up their messes and made their beds and took them to the park and the beach and made sure they got to school for the first half of their lives.
I have not been in a position to be able to do these things.
Their father has.
THANK GOD.
I miss my girls. I miss them so much. But I thank GOD and GODDESS every day that their father is their. That their grandparents are their. That they know they can count on the people in their lives to make the best decisions for them. I am glad that my girls know that I love them so much that I can't imagine having them bouncing around with me. Regardless of what other people think about it.
I am their MOM. I love them and I miss them and I just want to hug them.
Today is a lonely day indeed.

My life

Is simply put.
All about this :

For my beautiful babies.
I miss you all so very much.
Pan you have become such an incredible young lady. I am so very very proud of you. ( don't tell your sisters..your my favorite kid!)
Sierra your art takes my breath away. I am so very very proud of you.(Don't tell your sisters your my favorite kid!)
Lynndsey. You are becoming quite the athlete and your goal to become a vetrinarian is awesome! I am so very very proud of you.( don't tell your sisters, you are my favorite kid!)
I am so blessed to be the mother of three fantastic, amazing, creative, funny, loveable, wonderful, beautiful girls.
You are all the best thing I ever did.
I love each of you for who you are. Unconditionally and for eternity,
There will never come a time that I will not be proud of you.
Any decisions you make for your life I will be behind you.
I hope that you will all spread your wings and fly.
Pan go to the Amazon and study anacondas if that is something you really want to do..
Sierra go to Paris to draw, go anywhere the wind blows you for that matter. Do that while you are young before you have kids!
Lynndsey. Become a vetrinarian go to school where ever you think is best no matter how far away it might be.
FLY
When you are older you can put down roots.
You cannot really put down those roots if the desire to fly has never been given into.
You cannot really put down roots when what you really want is to keep flying.
FLY
Then put down those roots when you know you are ready.
Never ever let anyone make you feel that you should not do what you want to do in this life.
Do not allow anyone to tell you how to live your life.
They are not the ones you need to make happy.
No one can make you happy but you.
No one can complete you. You ARE complete.
You are loved.
You are wonderful
You are beautiful.
And you are worth EVERYTHING.

Wishes do not always come true

Well If dreams always came true or ever came true for me. I would be able to go get my girls. My car however has other plans. ALl I can think is that there must be a reason for this. Maybe we would get in an accident or something or maybe they need to be in Oregon all this summer. Maybe they need to be with their dad and Katie this summer and not me or their sister. I don't know. I just know that that is the way it is working out.
My car needs a heater core. Or maybe just a thermostat. My uncle is going to try the thermostat thing first. And if that doesn't fix the situation then we go to heater core. Only thing is that with my old hoopty the heater core is under the dash. I may have to give up my car if it comes to that. At least I can get the parts for fairly cheap. Its the labor that I can't afford. I don't know if my uncle will do the labor or not. All I know is that I am now going to stay in Long View and try to get a job here. I am tired of trying to get Social Security. I know they take their sweet time so that people will get frustrated and just go to work. And they are going to win in this case. Because I am done. Doctors be damned they aren't paying my bills and helping me survive.I have never been here before. Their is a large hospital in the area so that will be a good place to start looking. I have a lot of experience working in the medical field.I am going to be staying here with my moo for the time being. Not that I want to do that. But she is the only one who seems to want me around right now.
I can understand that other people have their own shit to worry about. I get it. I have been there. I tell you I have learned to never help people with a place to live. EVER AGAIN.The favor is never returned the same way.

Hey Hey

Okay well heres the newest news, I have been having one hell of a trip!
On the way to Milton-Freewater my tire blew out as I was bombin down the highway at 70 miles an hour, then I almost got hacked by a murderer guy wanted in Yakima. That was actually pretty cool that he got caught because I saw him!
Then I get to my sisters house out of gas.
Then I take my mom to LongView.
Then I go 40$ that she wanted me to give her for gas for going 15 miles when all I had was a hundred to get 400 miles back to LongView.. Now I am hanging with my mom and we have been having a good time chillin. And I am headed back over to the other side of the mountains to live with a very good friend who just recently discovered my situation. So I will be having a permanent address in Soap Lake. And hopefully an internet connection.
I am hoping to pick up the girls in August. I can't pick them up in the middle of this month like I wanted to because of the wheel situation with my car. I need to have something or other trued.
I can't remember the name of it.
Anyway until that gets fixed no kids are riding in my car.
Well I hope everyone is doing great.
Cowboy Joe it was wonderful to hear from you again!!
Happy Belated Birthday!

Going Home Again

Well I am going home again. One of these days I will learn to just stay in Anacortes. I can't seem to stay away from that place. It is trully my home and I have finally figured out that I don't want to live anywhere else.
Not that I don't like Moses Lake. The people here are awesome. And the area is pretty damn cool. I just don't like it. Its not Anacortes. One of these days I will stop being such a damn gypsy. Well ya right that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I am too into travel and new adventure. I am happy with my life and who I am. I am offloading even more stuff.
I just don't need a bunch of crap hampering my efforts to see the world. Its my oyster after all. I think after I see the girls this summer I will go be a bum in Hawaii. Why not. I will get to see it. Meet some people. And be in paradise! Hang ten for a month and then come back. Or maybe go to Mississippi and visit Derek or maybe somewhere else entirely. Ohhhh FIJI!!!

That would ROCK!
Maybe I can get Jen to go with me. Ah screw it! I will go on my own. At least I know where home is though. Anacortes.

Moo is coming!!!

My moo is coming to see me and take me to my little throat scope thingy!
I have to be released to someone over 18 who is responsible because I will be unable to drive or really think. I will still be groggy as thank god they knock a person out for this sort of thing.
I don't even know if anyone ever reads this anymore. It doesn't really matter as I write for myself. So that someday I can look back and see what I was doing and how I was feeling and what I was thinking of or about. So I can travel back in time and relive the pleasant things that have gone on in my life and remind myself of the lessons I have learned. Unfortunatley there are big gaps in time where either I had no internet or just wasn't up to writing.
I have that stuff in my head as well as everything I have gotten to write here in this blog. I have many others too. I find it refreshing to write on different levels and for different reasons. Either just to be creavtive or to really vent and not worry that someone I know or may be venting about will read about it. I have done that here and it caused some issues. So this blog is not for that anymore.
Living here in Moses Lake has been interesting so far.
Its definatley a new area to get used to and the weather is something else! Its almost like being in Mississippi!
People would think thats its dry here in Eastern Washington and that is for the most part true. But the fact that the lake is huge and is oddly shaped keeps things fairly humid also.
I actually really like the weather and already have my first sunburn of the summer. It doesn't matter how much sunblock I use. I burn.
So anywho I will have a great tan this summer for my friends Katie and Grants wedding. I am so excited for them. Not only are they finally getting married after almost ten years together, they are expecting their second child in November!
Ah out of time.
I love you my babies.

Dear Sierra and Lynndsey

To my babies.
I love you and I miss you so much that sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.
I worry about you even though I know you are in safe hands. I wonder if you are getting to do the things you love to do. No matter what your grades are. Sierra your art is part of who you are. Keep doing it no matter who says what. You CANNOT be grounded from a part of yourself.
Lynndsey you are the bestest sofball player in the world!!
I don't care what anyone says. You do it best!
Its terrible being without you. In my sleep every night I hug you and kiss you til no end.
I remember when I used to read you bedtime stories, Or sing you to sleep. Most of the time it was the only way I could get you to go to sleep at a decent time!
I remember how loud you guys used to be and how I wished you would just be quiet for a moment. No I wish nothing more then to hear you all playing or fighting or laughing and being loud obnoxious children..
My days are lonely without you.
Pan is old enough to be going to job chorp and not needing mom.
But you my babies. Still need someone to look out for you sometimes. You are getting to be very beautiful young ladies and not babies at all. But that doesn't mean that you are ready to be on your own.
Do your homework. Eat your peas. And wash behind your ears.
I can't wait to see you at the end of June.
I hope to pick you up after Lynns last game. Which I plan on rooting for you at Lynn.
I love you both so much.
You are my heartbeat.

Mom

at home ...kinda

Well I am back in Everett. I couldn't handle being in Longview anymore. There is just something about knowing where you are and how to get where you want to go.
At the moment I am hanging with my best friend Mouse at the Everett Library. Just thought I would jump on the internet and post an update.
Not really doing much. Will be staying with my friend in Everett at least four days a week. Gotta wash my wubbie today. Hoping to get to know a guy in Iraq. He's in the army and all that.
Anyway. Gotta go.
Hope ya'll are doing great whoever you are that reads this.

In Longview

Well I haven't been able to do this for awhile!
I hope everyone is doing good.
I am so happy to say that I got to talk to my sister Vicki.
The baby is doing very well. I have pictures of her. She is so beautiful!!!

As for me, I have cut off all of my hair!
Yes thats right its gone!
Short in the back and long in the front. And now I have no choice but to do something with it everyday. And that makes me feel better.
Now I just need to find the right job. I was working for my friends aunt but she went on a second honey moon and I am in Longview with my mom anyway. My mothers cousin and best friend died last week on a cruise. So we came driving down here to find out that the funeral won't be for another week and some odd days because they are doing a federal investigation of his death.
I will have to go into that more at another time.
Its been kinda nice to be away from my sister Tannis's house. Its always so crowded their with four dogs and four adults and two kids or more because of the neighbor kids and mom and I are always cleaning and never ever get a moment to ourselves. We are absolutely happy to be at my sisters. But it is nice to get away from home too.
Well I guess I don't have as much to say as I would have hoped. I am also using someone elses computer.
Anyway. Hope all is well an anyones world who reads this.

hola bitcholas

Well its almost Christmas and my sister Vicki just had a baby girl. I am so happy for her. Turns out the last time I posted I was right. She had her baby last tuesday so the little pudger is a week old today. I haven't seen her yet. I hope I get pictures soon. I would really love to hold her. But with all the turmoil in our family I just don't think that is going to happen any time soon. I miss Vicki and I wish her and Brian the best. I hope they are really enjoying there new little one. Its not easy when the baby is new and your a first time parent. I remember when Amanda was born. How hard it was to leave her alone long enough to even take a shower. I couldn't do it! And when Joan came over to take care of her and help with some stuff and I took a shower it was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life because I had flashes of joan putting Pan in a blender. It was horrifying!
I hope things go easier for Vicki and Brian as they embark on this new awesome and amazing journey. And I hope they make better choices then I did. I know Vicki doesn't want my advice on anything. Because that entire side of my family thinks I am a terrible parent. But the thing is is that I have been there. I have made mistakes just as all parents do. And I would like to prevent them from making the mistakes I made so they can make their own as they surely will because no one is perfect. Maybe if she reads this she will accept the fact that I know what I am talking about and will be willing to email me back instead of ignoring my emails. Well she is also hella busy now too and I know that. I love ya Vicster and I hope to hear from you soon. Maybe the next time I call you will answer the phone???

just spewing words

Well I took Sierra back to her dads temporarily.
I will have all three girls with me this summer. And I will be in a place by May or June. YAY housing!!\
My sister Tannis is getting married New Years eve to my great friend Dave. I can't believe it I am so happy for both of them. My sister Vicki is either having or has already had her baby girl. I haven't heard anything yet.
I got to have both Sierra and Amanda with me for Thanksgiving so that RAWKED.
I wish Lynn could have been there too. Maybe next year eh..
Pan is doing awesome in Jobchore. I am so very proud of her.
Gotta make this quick as I need to get back to work,\
More later!

You can help!

Please go to the following url and light and virtual candle for homless youth.

It will give you warm fuzzies!

http://candlelight.covenanthouse.org/candles/1440/deniseyocom

I swear it will make you feel really good. You can help!
Ya YOU.

Thank You

Lady Raevyn


ps. while you are at it check out care2.com and join today.
Its a really cool sight where you can click to donate to charities such as breast cancer research and saving the environment. And you can sign petitions for such things as saving the whales, wolves. wild horses, seals, pitbulls, the list goes on and on. There are also health care petitions. and many others.
I am known as Dakotabo on care2.com. Come join and add yourself to my friends list!

Sierra

Well that was a fun trip! We went and got Sierra over the weekend. I got us way out of the way going over White pass on the way home. Katie screamed at me for quite a long time then decided she wanted to drive and proceeded to scare the shit out of all of us. Then she had Nikki drive for a bit but Maddy woke up and Nikki is breast feeding so I drove us home from Tacoma. Made it from there to Anacortes is less then an hour. Ya I was speeding. Anyway. Sierra started school yesterday and so far likes her teachers. I hope that will continue. She will surely have homework tonight. She misses her sister. She told me last night that she wished she had chosen to stay home. But I remember what the girls went through when they first got to Jasons. And Sierra knows she is here for the rest of the school year. Jason and I told her she needed to make the final decision..but then she got into big big trouble and through discusion it was decided that she would come try it with me. That means til school is out. Because we can't do the back and forth thing all the time. If she decides at the end of the year to go ahead and go back to Dads I will be surprised. I know she misses her sister but I can really see her doing very well here in Anacortes.
Its a very art dominated city. And she is an awesome artist. The people here are really nice and so are their kids for the most part. She already made some friends yesterday..Go Sierra!! Okay my fingers are getting stiff so I close with this. I am really glad that my daughter is here. And I pray that she finds happiness either with me or with her dad.

Good Lord, back at Katies again

Okay, well I am back at Katies. Dre kept two promises of all the promises he made. But they were two damn good ones. First one: He bought me a car. A 1984 Caprice Classic, which he is now jealous over. And the second was he gave me a phone. Its a better prepaid deal then the one I had. So thats cool. Anyway. I am back at Katies. Because Sharon is a bitch and she is never going to stop being one and I should have just kicked her ass a damn long time ago. Period! Long story short. She introduced me to Dre. to try to control him by holding me over his head. This drove a wedge between Dre and I. I didn't like it being held over my head either. And the guilt trips Sheesh. No more of the crap. I don't need to pack my bags for any more trips of any kind. Sharons are all bullshit anyway. She just needs to be made to leave the area. Ontop of it all when she didn't get her way because Dre and I split up but remained friends. She made it impossible for me to stay at the house. See she didn't want me there, because she wants to set Dre up with another friend so she can have something over his head again. She doesn't know that Dre is on to her and doesn't want to meet any of her friends.. Sound like a soap opera yet. Wait. It gets better. Since I was still living with Dre, and her and Jason. Jason is her on again off again boyfriend who is also Dres best friend, we all lived together. Anywho, Sharon decided to start a fight with me. I told her off. Gave her what for. Well I left for awhile to cool off. While I was gone she called Jason at work and freeked out on him telling him he needed to come home and handle this shit because she wasn't going to put up with me threating her. WHAT!? Okay so unbeknownst to me this is going on. I get back to the house. Take a shower and decide to ask Sharon why the hell she brought me out here to meet Dre if she was just going to decide to be a bitch and turn on me.
We started to talk. Jason came home from work. He said Dre said for Sharon to go ahead and call the cops if thats what she wanted to do. He couldn't stop her. And for me to leave the keys to the car and his room on the counter when I go. Yeah right!
Can you say FUCK OFF. I can. I did.
I did however leave. I packed up the little bit of stuff I had left over there, and moved the hell out.
Katie drove me over a little later to get some more of the stuff I forgot. Like my t.v. that I let Sharon borrow. WOW she was pissed..Ohhh doggie. Tough shit bitch. You shouldn't have started all the Jerry Springer bullshit drama..so I am still in Anacortes, and I will be going to get my daughter Sierra in just a week and three days. I am so excited!!!
Damn library. Got to go. Time is up.

Quick Update

Okay well I am at the Library again. Still in Anacortes but Dre and I have decided to just be friends. I have been talking to my ex~husband Jason about a possible reunion. We are speaking seriously of getting back together and seeing what happens. I have faced the fact that I am still in love with him. That truth be told I never fell out of love with him. I miss him deeply and he misses me. I don't know what will happen. I just know I am looking forward to finding out where things can go. I have never gotten over him. I never will. I think about him every single day many times a day. I really am hoping that I will be moving to Oregon soon.
And no its not just because Sierra and Lynn are there. Friends have asked me that. Not that I don't miss my babies. Because I surely do. Its just that I happen to miss their father too. He has been a very large part of my life. I have tried to move on. And it just doesn't work. No one compares to him. And no one ever will.
More later..................

Uhtohhh I'mmmm ba ack!

Well here I am again. Guess I didn't want to stay away for ever. I think I just needed a good long break. You know how when you do something for a really long time it suddenly becomes tedious and you just don't want to deal with it anymore. Thats how I was feeling. And to top it off ex family reading the blog didn't help. ( not you Vickianntoria)
Alot has happend since I stopped blogging. I am now in Anancortes again,and have met someone very special. His name is Andre. He was born on the Island of Antigua in the Carribean and he lived there until he was 11 then his mother took him and his sister and brother to New York. Where he grew up and lived until about two years ago. I met him a little over a month ago and it was love. The first time I heard his voice over the phone I fell in love with him. A good friend introduced us for reasons of her own. Which have not worked out the way she intended. Good for us, not so for her. Well its not bad for her either but I do think she regrets that she didn't get what she wanted out of it. Too bad. Well anyway. Amanda is in jobchore and as from what I am told she really likes it so far. I think the first night away from everyone was pretty hard for her. I am so very proud of her for going in the right direction. Sierra and Lynndsey are living with their dad again in Oregon. One more school year to get through without the girls, and at the moment its killing me. I have been crying for the past three days. Everytime I look at their pictures I just ache inside to hold them and kiss them and make their breakfast. I miss all the big and little things about taking care of them and having them with me all the time. I did get to see Sierra and Lynndsey this summer. But not long enough. There is never enough time when you know they can't stay. My little sister Vicki is pregnant. At last!!! WOO HOO!!
I am so thrilled and excited for her and her husband Brian. I really miss her too. We haven't talked recently. I love her and miss her but I don't want her to have to deal with her parents giving her shit for talking to me. I know she loves me too and thats all that matters. Vicki doesn't need any more stress then she already has while shes pregnant. I wish I could be there for the birth of her baby just as she was there for the birth of all three of my girls. Hell she was the only one there for Lynndseys birth. There is just so much more to say and so little time because I am at the library and because I have my friends car and I need to get back to the house soon so she can do what she needs to do today. I will be back again.
I need so badly to reconnect with all my long lost friends and blogging family.
And soon, very soon I will have internet from home. I am going crazy without it.

Raevyn

Conversations with assholes

In one hour of talking to Dennis Barclay my now ex dad. I was called not only an asshole, but the biggest bag of shit he had ever met in his life, a terrible mother, a goddamn piece of shit, a stupid dick. A fucking bitch....ah the name calling just got better. And I was informed that I am the load my birth mother should have swollowed. That the only good thing I ever did in my life was complete three pregnancies. That I am a terrible mother. That I don't deserve to have children. That he wishes he never would have met me. He has no love for me and neither does Joan, and that they don't like me. There for I am not welcome to come to the cabin this summer. There was so much said that was like a knife to the heart. I don't even know where to begin on describing how that made me feel. And then telling me that I am insane and belong in a mental instituition, and that I am the sickest person he has ever met. Just that I am a bad bad person. That I am the worst. Then telling me that I feel sorry for myself. That I have milked all my friends dry that no one wants me around. God it went on forever. He has no idea who I am and doesn't care to know. That is not my problem it is his. I am glad that I am here. I am not a piece of shit.. And maybe now that things are totally settled between us. He has no love for me, and after that conversation and being told he doesn't care wether I live or die, I have no love for him either. Any and all that I have left was completley squashed. I will miss my sister Vicki who has commented here a time or two. I am so overwhelmingly happy for her that she and Brain are expecting there first child. I hope she will keep in touch at least once and awhile. Even though in a pissed off moment I told her to leave me alone. Vicki if you read this I am sorry about that. I should take your parents crap out on you. I hope you will forgive me but I understand if you don't. I just cannot take that kind of verbal obnoxiousness anymore. I don't deserve it. At all for any reason. I am a human being. I make bad choices just like other human beings. I have to pay for those, I have to learn from those. My children are all taken care of. They know without a doubt that they are loved and wanted and that no matter what I am always going to love and accept them. I am how ever in a quandry. I don't know if I should cut ties between my kids and their grandparents. The girls always come to me and tell me what the Barclays are saying about me. to them , around them, how ever ....the fact remains my children are hearing it. I told Dennis that if my kids say one thing to me about that ever again. If I get wind that my kids are being subjected to that kind of talk it will be the last time that Joan and Denny see them..PERIOD> When I told him that he said " Are you threating me.?" YES, I am threating you, of course I am threating you, my children should not have to hear that.... They are part of me, when things are said about me like that they feel bad about themselves, so shut the fuck up about me when my kids are around... not to hard is it??? well see....
Anyway, More later my fingers hurt, because I have written this ten or more times.....