Well

Here we are folks. With yet another day in the life of the Queen. Its been going slow lately. Went for a job interview last thursday for the perfect job. Guess I wasn't the perfect canidate for the job. Never did get a call back. Oh. Well. Never say die. Right? RIGHT!!
Going to Anecortes today to spend some time with the oldest daughter Pan!! Very excited. I haven't seen her for about two weeks and other then messaging back and forth we haven't talked much on the phone or anything, so it will be nice to actually be in the same place as she is. I wish I could go see Sierra and Lynndsey too. I miss them bunches. Sierra told me she wants to come home. It hurt to tell her she was home. She has to spend the school year with her dad. Which sucks because I really miss her and Lynn.
I don't know when I will be going to Montana. Billy is still in jail. He has a final court hearing on Nov. 16th.
HIs nephew Rusty said we were more then welcome to stay at his place when we first get there and all that. Until we can get jobs and move out! Wich is nice to know we have somewhere to go.
Now regardless of Billy I am going to Montana. Either way it works out . I will be in Montana by late spring if it kills me. I need to do some stuff before I can go on my own. It will work out better and faster if I go with Billy to his nephews. I love Billy and I want to be with him but I am not basing my life on him either. Not at this time. I am the one who wants to go to Montana . All my dreams of my entire life have been based in Montana. Eventually my dreams will come true! YES THEY WILL!!!!! I am making them come true. It is going to take time, dedication, and lots of hard work. Sounds like fun doesn't it!!!
I have been looking things up on the internet and figured out that I really need to go to the library. Because even though there is a buttload of info out there on the net. It just doesn't compare to a book. In my opinion anyway.
In other news, I've been doing a lot of sitting around lately and its driving me nuts. This is crazy all this doing nothing. Dont' really have many options though. I do a lot of job hunting on the internet. I am sure I will find something soon. I have to find something. I need much more money then what I am getting now. DSHS is trying to help me get employed too, yah, I need help. So what. Its all part of the process of getting back on my feet again. Get a job. Get a car. Save up a bit of money. Move to Montana, get into school, get a job, save up money to start business, start business, make more money, but an rv, travel around the country.
Got the plan. Now I just have to get a job to start it all off with. Reach all the little goals on the way to the big ones and I will be all good. Right now the little goals are to wake up early each day, look for work, find work. Go to work when I get a job. Sounds easy doesn't it? It would be if anyone appreciated my skills.

Come see me HERE

I now have a page at care2.com . One of the things I wanted to do was get more involved with things I cared about. Well this is one of those things. Please visit my page at this site. Maybe even join up too!!!!

Crying

I can't stop it. The tears are just leaking out of my eyes.
There is so much that I have lost recently and over the last few months.
I am just feeling it so keenly right now. Like a knife in my head,
There isn't any way that this feeling will go away any time soon either. Because of the fact that I will not be getting anything back anytime real soon and some of it, well most of it I know I will never get back. It just really really sucks at this moment. I know that something good will come of it because it always does. I know that I will learn great things. And great things will happen to me and my loved ones along the way. It just hurts right now. Missing my kids. Missing Billy. Missing my dog Bocephus Cleatus Lionel. And even missing my fish and that damn evil cat Buddah. Geez I even miss things right now. Like my entertainment center and my bed. And just having my space. And all my loved cherished ones in one place. HOME. I don't know how. I didn't know how before. But I will get HOME again. It is required of me to do so by ME. No one else can get that back for me. And yes it will be in a different place and yes it will have differnt thing in it. And yes even the people that make up my HOME will be different. Different because we will all have had different experiences. Hell I don't even know if my oldest child will move. I think she is tired of it and would rather finish High School in one place. I hope she will at least come to me for summer breaks though. And maybe when she is done with school in a couple of years she will go to college in Montana, Hell again., At this point I am even beginning to doubt my self on the entire Montana thing.
I hate feeling like this. But I do feel like this and I need to embrace my feelings for what they are. REAL. Stupid tears. I miss EVERYTHING.

Twiddling My Thumbs

Well I feel like I am twiddling my thumbs. spinnin my wheels. Not going anywhere really really fast. I do have a job interview tomarrow for the Humane Society. Its a small dog kennel. They only need someone about ten hours a week on the weekends. I would really like to get this job though. Because it will be great experience and it could work into more hours. What I really want is a job working for a vetrinarian or the pound. Because that would be intense experience that could really come in handy! I can volunteer for more hours at the kennel though. Which I am going to do. Again because of the experience. The opportunity for experience is not something I am willing to walk away from at this point. So until I can find a full time job. I am going for whatever I can get my hands into!.
Please wish me luck! I could really use the money too. I need a car something aweful!
I hate being stuck at home!!!!

Good Day for new leaf turning

I've been down this road before,
The one that has all the turns and junctions,
It seems like yesterday I passed that rock,
Seems I have passed that rock many times,
Going in circles is crazy, not lazy,
Why do I repeat this path, these lessons,
Guess I didn't learn the first time,
Turn here, dad says.
No turn up there says mom,
Go that way Sister says,
Turn around and head back for a spell says the shrink,
Tired, I have decided to fuel up on love for me,
and go forward.
Down the really long and hard road.
The one with all the bumps and three foot pot holes.
The one that Goddess says is best,
The one the Lord has lighted for me, from the day I was born,
The one I have avoided out of fear and frustration,
The one everyone led me away from.
The one I tried with all my might not to take before.
I've loaded up on validation and creation,
I've packed my bags with hope and determination.
There is nothing to fear but success.
Will I fall?
Absolutely.
Will I get up and keep going?
You know it,
I have thus far.
Let nothing stop me.
Never again.
For I am going forward.

changes

There comes a time in a persons life when drastic changes need to take place.
Of their own doing. That time for me is now.
Things I want to change are.
1) Getting back into school
2) moving to Montana
3) Stop listening to others who put me down for one reason or another
4) Learn more about my chosen spirituality
5) No more being ashamed of myself and who I am and what I want
6) Dress in the way I have always wanted to dress
7) Take people out of my life who are unneccasary problem causers
8) Deal with my depression and other health issues
9) learn more about herbology
10) take care of my debts and get my credit in line
11) Get a good job that will support me and my plans
12) Allow myself to feel good about my choices
12 pB) Let people see the real me
14) Go to counseling to learn how to deal with a few things
15) Be more active in the causes I believe in
16) Tell everyone I love that I love them
17) tell everyone I appreciate that I appreciate them
18) Change my thinking
19) be even more open minded
20) Be a better parent
21) Be an even better friend to myself
22) Let others take care of themselves for awhile
23) Learn to say no when I need to or even just want to
24) Learn that its okay to speak my mind
25) stop sugar coating
26) Be more self reliant
27) Start exercising
28) set some goals and work towards them everyday
29) Learn that its okay to not like some people ( I don't have to like everyone)
30) Realized that its okay to not have the love and aproval of the people that raised me. I can give myself all the love and approval I need.
31) validate myself.

** I think thats a good start. Anyone have any suggestions?**
Ps, Barbara, I am going to start that " joy box"!!!!

Girls

Well today Jen and I took the girls over the mountains to go live with their dad for the school year. His mom was there and she kept thanking me for letting Jason take the kids for awhile. As it has been a long time since she has seen them. And it has been almost two years since Jason saw them. Their choice. I think they just didn't know they were welcome to call anytime. Or that they were welcome to come and see the kids anytime. Jason wasn't aware that we have joint custody of the kids. Anyway, the girls couldn't get out of the truck fast enough to hug Jason and his mom. Which was really cool to see. It made me feel better about my decision. I know the girls will do well and I believe that Jason needs this as much as the kids do and as much as I do. He is the stable parent right now with all his ducks in a row. I am not. My damn ducks have done wondered off and I gotta hunt them down and herd em up again. I cried when I couldn't see Sierra anymore. I managed to mostly hold it together while I was there. And Jen and I took lots of pics. I even took one on the way back of the pulp mill. Sierra referred to it as the minty catbox! She is so hilarious! Lynn kept telling me she I couldn't leave. Which made me feel terrible. I didn't want to leave her there!!! As I said though. It is not fair to be homeless and to keep making the kids move about the country. They are all now in places where they can be in one school for the rest of the year. They are all in stable places. My kids will never sleep under a bridge. I really don't know what my former mom thought I could do. Or what she expected of me. But I guess now that the kids are gone she has no use for me. As she told me last night that she no longer has a daughter. So I called Jen and she came there to pick us up and bring us back to her house. Because I was not going to stay in a home where I was no longer considered a daughter. I don't know what it is that she hates about me but it has been made abundantly clear that the only reason she even spoke to me was because of my kids. I am trash and everything that I had in some boxes at her house is garbage and she is going to take it to the goodwill. As if other people want pics of people they don't know. Someone will appreciate the blankets and things like that I am sure. But important documents>??? some frog and rooster things??? I guess the very last things I treasured are nothing but garbage. I will not go back to that house. I will not step foot in that house. If I am no longer her daughter then she no longer has granddaughters and I no longer have family on her side. I have no clue how my dad feels . But I am frankly very much tired of being hurt by words that come from my former mom. Why she feels the need to kick me repeatedly when I am down. I have no clue. I am done with all of this. Just need to get these confused thoughts out of my head. Because I really just want to know why she hates me so much. Yet she accuses me of being the one that hates her. I hate her actions towards me. Not her. I love her. But I will not take this anymore. Her statement that cutting ties is something that she needed to do is true. And that it is a good thing. That is also true. It is a good thing. If I am no longer her daughter that means she won't be calling me to tell me what a piece of shit I am. The will has already been threatend. I didn't even think I was still in it. I don't want anything from them. Take me out of the will. What good will it do me to have anything from them. It will just bring hurtful memories of people that didn't love me enough to solve problems. I love them both and will miss the deeply. I am no longer a daughter. But I am many other things.

In memory

This post is in memory of two people.
Jeri Haskins and Roger Castle.
Jeri passed away one week ago, Roger crossed over this morning.


For Jeri:
Memories made by firelight
laughter under a fullface moon
always the last to go to bed,
even us "kids" couldn't keep up!

Always the first one up.
You make coffee for GOD,
as old as you where,
you didn't let it interfere
with what you wanted to do.

Golfing, or swimming in the pool,
sipping margarittas in mexico for the day,
sitting and sunning
with good friends by the bay.

You will be missed here
on this big old rock
your laughter and fun ways
who will stay up with us "kids" now?

Who will, with god,great the day?
I guess you'll do that from Heaven now.
My dad will miss the company
when he rises in the early mornings
to go fishing at the cabin.

You'll be missed when everyone is in Yuma too.
Who will go to mexico
with my mom now, for shopping
and drinking and fun?

I know you'll with them,
even if they don't.
And now Larry will REALLY have to
mind his P's and Q's,
Because your watching every move.

I love you Jeri,
as so very many do.
What I will miss the most
is your light hearted wisdom,
and the way that got people to listen.
Even when they didn't want to.

Until we meet again, Blessed be.


For Roger"
When I think of you,
memories come flooding back.
Being a young girl and
sitting on my dads lap, listening
as you told stories back and forth.
I remember being small, at the firehouse
playing on the trucks with your son, Andy.
And how we would get in trouble for climbing
on the hoses. How we alwys got a bottled drink from the
little refrigerator thingy.
I remember easters, and christmas's and times
when you all went out. Fourth of July! When the
cops came by, to say quite lighting those off!
Barbecues and pit roasted pig.
Great times at Robinsons beach.
I remember you laugh and your smile,
and the way you were always willing to listen.
I remember you gave all us kids respect.
We were people too.
And the respect was delivered back to you.
All of us knew we could go to Roger.
( Great now I'm crying)
You will be missed for more reasons then one.
You will be missed by more then a wife and son.
You were precious and rare Roger.
Merry meet, and merry meet again.