Monday, October 16, 2006


I can't stop it. The tears are just leaking out of my eyes.
There is so much that I have lost recently and over the last few months.
I am just feeling it so keenly right now. Like a knife in my head,
There isn't any way that this feeling will go away any time soon either. Because of the fact that I will not be getting anything back anytime real soon and some of it, well most of it I know I will never get back. It just really really sucks at this moment. I know that something good will come of it because it always does. I know that I will learn great things. And great things will happen to me and my loved ones along the way. It just hurts right now. Missing my kids. Missing Billy. Missing my dog Bocephus Cleatus Lionel. And even missing my fish and that damn evil cat Buddah. Geez I even miss things right now. Like my entertainment center and my bed. And just having my space. And all my loved cherished ones in one place. HOME. I don't know how. I didn't know how before. But I will get HOME again. It is required of me to do so by ME. No one else can get that back for me. And yes it will be in a different place and yes it will have differnt thing in it. And yes even the people that make up my HOME will be different. Different because we will all have had different experiences. Hell I don't even know if my oldest child will move. I think she is tired of it and would rather finish High School in one place. I hope she will at least come to me for summer breaks though. And maybe when she is done with school in a couple of years she will go to college in Montana, Hell again., At this point I am even beginning to doubt my self on the entire Montana thing.
I hate feeling like this. But I do feel like this and I need to embrace my feelings for what they are. REAL. Stupid tears. I miss EVERYTHING.

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