Sunday, October 08, 2006
Well today Jen and I took the girls over the mountains to go live with their dad for the school year. His mom was there and she kept thanking me for letting Jason take the kids for awhile. As it has been a long time since she has seen them. And it has been almost two years since Jason saw them. Their choice. I think they just didn't know they were welcome to call anytime. Or that they were welcome to come and see the kids anytime. Jason wasn't aware that we have joint custody of the kids. Anyway, the girls couldn't get out of the truck fast enough to hug Jason and his mom. Which was really cool to see. It made me feel better about my decision. I know the girls will do well and I believe that Jason needs this as much as the kids do and as much as I do. He is the stable parent right now with all his ducks in a row. I am not. My damn ducks have done wondered off and I gotta hunt them down and herd em up again. I cried when I couldn't see Sierra anymore. I managed to mostly hold it together while I was there. And Jen and I took lots of pics. I even took one on the way back of the pulp mill. Sierra referred to it as the minty catbox! She is so hilarious! Lynn kept telling me she I couldn't leave. Which made me feel terrible. I didn't want to leave her there!!! As I said though. It is not fair to be homeless and to keep making the kids move about the country. They are all now in places where they can be in one school for the rest of the year. They are all in stable places. My kids will never sleep under a bridge. I really don't know what my former mom thought I could do. Or what she expected of me. But I guess now that the kids are gone she has no use for me. As she told me last night that she no longer has a daughter. So I called Jen and she came there to pick us up and bring us back to her house. Because I was not going to stay in a home where I was no longer considered a daughter. I don't know what it is that she hates about me but it has been made abundantly clear that the only reason she even spoke to me was because of my kids. I am trash and everything that I had in some boxes at her house is garbage and she is going to take it to the goodwill. As if other people want pics of people they don't know. Someone will appreciate the blankets and things like that I am sure. But important documents>??? some frog and rooster things??? I guess the very last things I treasured are nothing but garbage. I will not go back to that house. I will not step foot in that house. If I am no longer her daughter then she no longer has granddaughters and I no longer have family on her side. I have no clue how my dad feels . But I am frankly very much tired of being hurt by words that come from my former mom. Why she feels the need to kick me repeatedly when I am down. I have no clue. I am done with all of this. Just need to get these confused thoughts out of my head. Because I really just want to know why she hates me so much. Yet she accuses me of being the one that hates her. I hate her actions towards me. Not her. I love her. But I will not take this anymore. Her statement that cutting ties is something that she needed to do is true. And that it is a good thing. That is also true. It is a good thing. If I am no longer her daughter that means she won't be calling me to tell me what a piece of shit I am. The will has already been threatend. I didn't even think I was still in it. I don't want anything from them. Take me out of the will. What good will it do me to have anything from them. It will just bring hurtful memories of people that didn't love me enough to solve problems. I love them both and will miss the deeply. I am no longer a daughter. But I am many other things.