The celebrations start tomorrow

I am ready!!! This christmas might just turn out to be a good one! Well its already the best ever because the girls are here!! They have some presents for under the tree which I think they will be pleased with. I know a few of the things they are getting from other people too that I KNOW will make them very happy indeed! We were gifted a tree and the cats broke it, but I fixed it with a strategically placed book. It is beautiful! I am excited for tomorrow, we are going to my moms. Oooh that reminds me I need to call her to see when we are going to costco, She is buying lots of food for me to make for her party tomorrow. It should be lots of fun, I think a lot of people will be showing up to it that I haven't seen in an ever. Super excited for Saturday too, I had the idea of my sister and I each buying a gingerbread house and we are going to have a contest. Parents against kids!! We are so gonna ice them!! hahahahaa. Merrry Christmas and Festive Yule to all!!

feeling the pain

Seriously hating FM flare up. This just truly sucks. Being in constant pain that nothing can take away just reeks.
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to type, it hurts to sit, to stand, to lay down. It hurts just to feel my heart beating.
I don't know where this flare up came from. Usually something happens to trigger it. I have been so careful of the usual things. I feel like I have no life other then this pain. It stops me from doing so much. Just yuck

Stress

I am so beyond stressed out!!! I hate having these issues with Jim and money. I wish he would get off his lazy ass and get a job!!! I look and look for one for myself and he does nothing. Just lays around doing NOTHING.
I can't breathe

Going forward

The job hunt isn't going so well. I have to admit I am not putting much effort in though. With the holidays I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to start a job two days before christmas. I would much rather wait until January, how ever that isn't going to help my pocket book. I have so many bills to pay and HE has no income to speak of so is no help what so ever. It really is very draining on everything to have him here. But I still can't find it with in my heart to make him leave when its so dang cold outside and the big holdiays coming up. I have yet to talk to his sister to see if he can stay there. I just do not want to take care of him. I can't afford to take care of him. I am thinking he needs more help then I can give. He has some almost dementia type things happening. I am thinking it won't be long and he will need to be in a home. I can't take care of him, not with out getting paid. I know that sounds terrible. But I can't afford to take care of him being on ss myself. Even when I find employment I can't afford the total care of an adult man, and ontop of it I am having to do all the work of caring for an adult man. I cook, clean, remind him to shower, remind him of appointments, take him to appointments. I can't leave him at home alone without having anxiety attacks because I am afraid he will leave the stove on... He has an appointment with ss this week, I wish I could talk to them. He doesn't ever say what needs to be said. He literally drank away most of his functioning brain cells. The strokes he has had have not helped that situation at all. I know they are going to say he doesn't qualify. If they spent even 24 hours with him they would have a VERY different opinion. Possibly even want to put him in a home. How do I make something like that happen. Who do we go to?

November 29th 2011

Well thanksgiving has come and gone. It was awesome had all three of my kids here plus my grand daughter and son in law, nephew bug, and then my sister and the rest of her family stopped in for desert and to deliver a christmas tree!!! Its been interesting having the kids here for so long after five years of them living with their dad for school. I LOVE IT!!!
Lynn and I are discovering boundaries. She is at the age of figuring out who she is and who she wants to be so there are times when the attitude needs to be turned down. She will grow out of it. Christmas is going to be awesome in many ways. We have a beautiful tree and lights already. There will be home made gifts only under our tree. I hope that goes over okay with the girls. I want them to understand that Yule is about much more then they ever knew before. Its not about Jesus or God in this house. I know it is in their dads so I will respect their beliefs completely. But I don't have money to pay for gifts in true christian fashion. I am pagan and I celebrate this time of year a bit differently then most people. I want the girls to learn about it and see that it isn't evil. They can make up their own minds as to what religion or faith they wish to follow. If any.
This should be a lesson in respect and open mindedness for all of us!! I am very excited about sharing my beliefs with the girls. Now that they are old enough to trully understand. I won't shove it down their throats. I never have. And if they don't want to hear about it they don't have to, but they will respect my faith as I respect theirs.

Happy Yule to you and yours

Decision

I have made a very difficult decision to break it off with Jim. My heart is breaking but it must be done. I just need to let him go. I can't take care of him anymore. He is forty years old and capable of taking care of himself and as long as I am doing it all for him and as long as he expects me too, and I do have to keep doing things, I have two kids who live here too and things have to get done. He will never change, he will never take control of his life and his unemployment situation. I love Jim, but everything that I am doing for him is actually hurting him and my kids, and me. I can't go into debt any more then I already am. I wish things were different. I love him and I need him to leave before I hate and resent him.

health

I am retaining water again, no matter what I do it won't go away.
Its hard to breathe again. I have a Dr. appointment on friday because that was the soonest I could get in.
I am still waiting for a referral to the cardiologist. I just want all this to stop, I want to feel good for the last half of my life. The first half I have felt like crap, soemthing is always wrong with me, or something always hurts. I want to feel good and have energy like normal people

Sometimes the best things turn out to be terrible and life threatning

Almost two years ago my sister friend Jen got a life changing, life saving kidney and pancreas transplant.
The operation was succesful, the recovery was smooth and eventless. She went home after the required time. The night before she was going to leave Idaho to move here to Washington she was bit by one of her ex-boyfriends dogs. It was a complete accident and trully Jens fault as she walked her happy ass into the middle of a dog fight, one of the dogs went to bite the other and got Jen instead. The bite was severe and her ex took her to the ER where she received stitches and antibiotics. Unbeknownst to any of us, she also received that night the parvo B 19 virus from the dog. It is the human parvo virus. We normally cannot get it, but because she was susceptible do to all the medications she was on to prevent her new organs from being rejected she got it.
About two months after she got here she was feeling very weak and was having a hard time breathing. I made her go to the Doc. and they ran blood tests, her red blood count was very very low and she had to have a blood transfusion. When the tests came back we learned of the virus which was killing her red blood cells. She had to have an IVIG treatment. Intra venous Immunoglobulin. The first couple of those didin't really bother her much, but with each one the pain increased. Jen says now she needs pain killers while she gets the treatment and it still feels like someone is pouring fire into her veins. She has had to have blood every 80 to 90 days just to stay alive, and has had seven IVIG treatments. Her bone marrow is toast. She now has to have chemo to completely destroy the marrow and then she has to have a bone marrow transplant. It is the only way to make sure there is no virus in her bone marrow, and the only way to possibly and hopefully restore a healthy bone marrow to her body. She is looking at at least six more months of hell. She is regretting ever getting the transplant because of everything that has happend since. This was supposed to be her second chance at life. So far it has done nothing but make her miserable. I pray every day that Jen gets better and that this bone marrow transplant works and that for once in her short life of 39 years and being a fragile diabetic since 18 months old that she just gets to have as normal and event free life as possible. No more medical emergencies! I have seen her fight her way back so many times from the brink of death. She is very tired now and I worry that without that fight in her she will fade away. At this point I can't blame her. I would have given up long ago. I can see it every day that the spark she has is dwindling. If any one reads this, please add Jen to your prayers to what ever higher power you believe in. Please send positive thoughts and healing energy her way. Thank You

Its Halloween!

And for the first time in five years my youngest daughters are with me! Its amazing to see how much they change and grow each day into the wonderful women they will someday be. Not to say they are not wonderful kids, because they trully are. I am so hopeful for their futures being bright as the sun. They have such talents and wonderful personalities! I feel so lucky that they decided to stay with me this year. I do feel for their dad. I guess we kind of blind sided him with their decision. He doesn't take these kinds of things well. I cannot how ever focus on that. I have to focus on making sure the girls are healthy and happy and have lots of experiences that help them grow into adults of the finest order. Kids cannot grow up to be productive members of society if they are hidden away from the world and only allowed to go to school or go no further then the mail box. A mail box which is at the end of a very short drive way. Do I worry about their safety. Absolutely! But I cannot allow my fears to stunt their growth. They must be allowed to experience life! They must be allowed to make mistakes and  do bad things. How else will they learn the lessons we all learned? People don't learn by being told. Jeez what a different and very boring world it would be if that were the case. Right now the girls are out with Jim trick or treating. I didn't want them to go alone and I do not do well walking in the cold so Jim said he would go. They walked thru the cemetary to the neighborhood on the other side of it. Their father would never have done that! Or let them go with someone to do it. They have also been to a homecoming dance, and Lynn went to a halloween party saturday night. The parents picked her up and brought her home. Sierra goes to the neighbor boys house at least twice a week to play video games. They are both teenagers. I know that I can trust Sierra though. She has no interest in even having a boyfriend let alone kissing one. She actually thinks about becoming a nun. Then again she also thinks of becoming a cop. Go figure! I told her that she could do what ever she wanted to do and that her father would be proud of her. She doesn't beleive me she thinks she has to do what would make her dad happy or he will continue to not talk to her. I think thats the saddest thing I ever heard. Of course he is proving her point by having no communication with them for over a month now. Makes me so mad. Again I cannot focus on that. This family is going places and my girls are the most important! That includes my oldest daughter and grand daughter too. Aryana will be one year old on November eighth! Holy crow time flies!
Happy Halloween Everyone!!
Brightest Samhain Blessings !!

Been a minute

Well Jim is home from hunting now. He didn't get anything. I guess he and Dale are going to go out a few times around here. So he will be gone all day but be home every night. I think its good for him to get out of the house. But I am glad he will be home at night. Now I have two weeks worth of sleep to catch up on and not sleeping has taken its toll. I am getting sick. Lynn just missed two days of school from being sick so I figure some little cold is going around any way. Yuck. Had a fun weekend with the kids. It was mostly just kicking back and relaxing, but Lynn got to have her boyfriend over to visit so she is on a happy high. Sierra got to play video games all weekend and so she is happy. Laundry from Jims hunting is almost done. I hate the smell of smoke. It makes me so sick. The foster dog is doing great. He is just a total love bug. I am sure he will make someone a very wonderful pet. He deserves a happy ever after. After what he has been through the first three years of his life he needs a happy ever after. I don't know how anyone can just leave a dog in a crate and barely ever feed it or give it water. Never give it a bath and never take it for a walk. Not only did SJ have that happen to him. There were over one hundred others. Some of them had to be put down so they could stop suffering. It just breaks my heart. It will be hard to say goodbye to SJ but we will know we helped give him a second chance at a great life.

Today

My daughters cat Jadie decided to tell me she was stuck in the cemetary. Which is just on the other side of the fence from our yard. So I walk all the way around to the opening, and all the way around to the back of our yard, and can't find Jadie. I do how ever run into my cat Minion. He never lets me go in the cemetary with out him. Finally as I am setting some flags and flowers to rights, I hear Jadie meowing. She is back in our yard. Magic cat!! So I walk all the way back around to the yard, and call for her. Minion trailing me the entire way, sometimes leading the way, when I would stop to fix a flag or set a toy or flower pot back where it belongs. He thinks I don't know how to get back home. So sweet. I get home and call for Jadie. She is of course back in the cemetary. I decide she can stay there and play for awhile. She obviously has wings or some such thing to get over that dang fence!

stuff

I have decided to try to start writing here every day. I used to do that. It was very cathartic.
I think I need the outlet again. It helps with my creativity too. I have a lot to say that most people don't want to hear or read about so I may as well write it here. Even if there is someone out there who spies on me and tries her hardest to hate me. I have done you no wrong! You have only what he says to go by. I hope you know he cheats on you and always will, he can't help it. He has never been able to keep it in his pants and give it to only one woman. Either you deal or you leave. I left.
Thats all I have to say about that, I hope she reads it and then leaves me alone. I don't need to be spied on. If any one wants to know anything all they have to do is ask me. I have nothing to hide. I do want my privacy, but if someone really wants to know. I will tell them.
So anyway, I graduate November 19th!! Actually walk across a stage in a cap and gown graduate!!
First time in my life that I finished school! I am a medical assistant and I am studying for my CMA exam. Which means I will be able to work any where in the united states! YAY!!
I want to move to Hawaii someday. I figure in three to five years I will able to do it.
Its a life goal and I will reach it. I know that I can do that. Because I just did complete the hardest goal I ever had in my life. And I did it with flying colors. Deans list awards, and professionalism recognitions. I received a letter of recommendation from my extern site. A really really nice one as a matter of fact. And when my extern supervisor filled out my final paper work she gave me all sixes. The highest score is fives. I think that means I rocked it!!! Woot Woot yay me!!
Its been really really nice having the girls home again. They are doing well in school so far. They just got to go to their homecoming dance. I would have been afraid of them getting their and getting home okay but Bridget was kind enough to take them and pick them up in her ginormous suburban... I want one, ya the gas will be hell but talk about a safe ride. Its been an adjustment for all of us. I am not used to being the not fun parent. That part kinda bites. When I got to have them in the summers I got to be the fun mom who let them stay up really late, eat junk food, drink soda, and run a little wild. Not a lot, just a little. I didn't realize to them they where being crazy. I am still learning how crazy insane strict their dad has been. They have been living in hell.
I know he doesn't see it that way. I know he loves them. I am not saying he was mean to be mean. I just really think he doesn't have a clue what it takes to have a happy medium. Well this is getting long and I am getting tired of typing. More later. I have a lot of thoughts about this stuff

update

I am a graduate!!! I finished school to be a medical assistant and thats what I am now!
School was seriously rough with all the shit that hit the fan while I went, the extern I went to was awesome!
Now I just to deal with some health problems and I will be ready to go to work!
The girls have decided to stay with me this year and its awesome. I love them so much and I couldn't be happier that they are here. There is so much going on all the time I feel like my head is spinning. Busy busy busy. I can't wait to get job hunting. I really hope to have all this health crap dealt with really soon so I can make some dang money!

Back to School

I have been so very busy! I haven't blogged in an ever. I went back to school for medical assisting and now I am almost done.
I am in my last mod, a few weeks more and I will be finished with class time and going on extern for a month. I am excited and scared and not feeling as sure of myself as I would like everyone to think. I need to hit the books and study up on past mods for extern use and also for the CMA exam. Which I am also excited to take. I want to be certified. I may be going back to the exact same extern that failed me thirteen years ago. Its all good though, because this time their is more then one person in charge so it will be totally up to me to finish.
That makes me feel a lot better. I am so nervous!!