GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!

OMYGOD! I think I have lost my ever loving mind. I hate my job now. Okay so I love it when people come to the door and get flowers they weren't expecting. I HATE getting and being lost all the damn time. I get so freeking turned around it ain't funny. Maps do not make sense and neither do roads the way they have been named and numbered. And it really really sucks when I am given the wrong house number and street number and go on a wild goose chase. I have been going crazy without and I.C.( internet connection for those of you who don't feel like thinking) I feel like I am going to explode with all the stuff I want to say and have no outlet for right now. So here I am at Princess T's house getting in some blogging time. I am hoping I can visit at least a few people to.
Man I miss this. It feels so good to write! We should be moving into the apartment this weekend. That is if all has gone as according to the landlords plans and he has it ready. I gots the money man and I will be more then happy to be the hell out of the house I am in. I love it. And I hate it. I think I hate it because renting from ones parents tends to keep ones parents in ones life much to deeply for ones happiness and peace of mind. Strange coming from someone about to move in with her mother!! My Moo is a different kind of parent though. She is the kind of parent that rocks! Minds her own business and is just cool to be around. A comparison came to the fore today. As it often does. I went shopping with Moo and Princess T and was comfortable. As last Sunday when we went to lunch and shopping. Going to lunch and shopping with my mom and sister V is often uncomfortable an stressful and I feel out of place and like they would be having a better time if I wasn't there. I get to listen to them talk about all the people they know in common. Or just about stuff they did without me. Sister V is Moms birth daughter.
And even though Princess T is Moos birth daughter I never ever feel out of place or unwanted. Weird eh. Not so much.
Anyway. I missed work for the first time Wednesday. My friday, because I have a terrible horrible owful cold. I can barely breathe and I am very prone to dizziness and weakness. I don't know if I will make it tomarrow. This is the first day I have been out of bed for more then ten minutes. Seriously, the most strenuous thing I did since tuesday was wash my dishes two or three times and that took my breath away!
Genie called me on Saturday and told me to bag Monday because of the way I sounded. I told her no I will be there, but she said don't I dare! She doesn't want to get sick and the shop can't have her get sick because she is now our only arranger!!!There is no one to cover for her at all. So I may not go to work tomarrow either. In that case though I am going to go to my bro's for the day. Cuz I am not going to here any more from my Dad about how I am going to lose my job. When I told him I was looking for a different one all he could do was put me down. Hmm you tyy getting lost every ohter minute and see how it makes you feel. You try missing streets and house's because you are to blind to see them. Its frustrating and I don't like it.
Pan got in some big ass trouble too. She has been skipping classes since the first day she went to school and Friday she didn't come home. She went to some party and drank and got stoned and came home stoned out of her mind. So I am pulling her out of school. I am going to home school her because I am not standing for this behavior. Again my dad just put me down. he actually told me I should have Amanda go to foster care and they could make her go to school. Sorry dad, if I can't make her attend classes then no one else is going to. And I am not going to just throw my child away like that. She will do fine. We will figure it all out. I don't know where I ever learned that parents were supposed to be supportive of there children, lord knows mine sure weren't. I don't know how many times I have been told how they wish they didn't even know me. Wish granted......

Love all ya all. Hope to be back to this regular like in a few weeks here. Gotta love moms who want cable everything!!!

Last night with internet

I don't know if I will have a chance to post tomarrow or not. I will be without internet until after I get moved. Which I am supposed to do October 1st.
It has been so wonderful blogging I don't know what I am going to do for two weeks. I won't have time to go to my sisters house or the library or even Jens really. I will try to have T update for me now and then. I am going to try to get around to some where so I can visit everyone. Please leave me a note in the comments on how you are all doing. I will reply here also. It will make things easier if I am at the library with a time limit.
The job is going great so far, I can't wait to go back on Monday morning. I really really like delivering flowers!
Seeing the looks on peoples faces is wonderful when I get the chance to see that.
There is always something beautiful to see and I am getting less lost now. I still have got to find a way to get some glasses though. I need to call around and see if I can get help with that issue. Maybe volunteers of america or the lions club.
The prospect of moving is getting more and more exciting. I can't wait to get into the appartment and get settled in our new home. The kids are excited too. We have all been ready for this for a long time. I just hope that the kids like there new schools. Pan finally got into school here today. They finally excepted her, there was an issue because of the stunt she pulled last year. Got that dealt with though and so she started school today. She already made up a bunch of stories.!
It was pretty funny listening to her actually. She needs to write a novel or something or soap opera storie lines.Nejifer got a new car today. She had to trade in her truck. Its cheaper and I think Chad kinda convinced her to do it because he has superiority issues. Just don't tell him I said that. Actually it is really disturbing me how much control he has gained over her. I am not liking watching that at all. I see it and so does V. Nej sees it but is doing her thing.
Chad just needs to know what the other men found out real quick. I DON"T GO AWAY. And V won't go away either. We know how to stick around despite his wishes and we will. So far he hasn't said he doesn't want Nej to talk to me. But I just have a funny feelin that ain't to far off. He will find a reason. I know he will.
He is a controlling, domineering, jealous freakazoid. He has even mananged to get his sister moved into the house, you know that way Nej is never alone. His sister is always there or her kids. And Nej takes him lunch almost everyday. I don't know how she can afford the gas to do that. But she does, and when she doesn't he ain't happy. There is alot more to it then that. Please keep her in your prayers. She needs them. Also please pray for another friend of mine who is going through a much worse similar situation. In order to keep her completely anon just pray for queenies friend. God will know who you are talking about.
I just want to take a moment to tell all of you who come here that I don't know what I would have done this past almost year with out you. Dl, you have been with me since the beginning of this blog!! Did you know that?!?!!!! So many times reading your comments got me through the day:) Girl I love you!!
So many people have come and gone. Joe cool, you don't come around to much anymore but I know you still love me. You are an angel!
Tish, I don't know where you went but I love ya lady. Rathwel, ye who inspired me. I wonder if it is you or your sister who sometimes stops by without saying anything??? Boabhansith also along for the ride since the get, sometimes your humor and care snap me out of a funk, I love ya girl!! Jerzee, your my heart girl, I gots so much love for you and your partier ways. I hope Jim is able to come home very soon. Wanda, thankyou, I love ya! For my new friends. Steel, Seven, David, Vicki, Karen, Bob, monkey, Aaron, rebekahs ma and pa, Tami, Judy, miss maggie may ( you know who you are!) I love you all so much. Thank you for keeping me sane and giving me a lighted path in the darkness of my insanity.Thankyou for being a liferaft. Thankyou for the hugs and the love and the understanding. I will be back. oh yes, I will be back.
Until then. Don't forget me.
(((((((((((*****HUGS*****)))))))))))

NO RETURN

I can't help this feelin
Its got my ass stuck
to the fuckin ceilin

I can't wait for this
this shit to end
to leave me in my twist

I can't go away no more
my feet have been cemented to
to your goddamn floor

I can't hold this back
this feelin that I got
don't wanna hear your flack

I can't look to North no more
the believer in me
keeps knocking at this fucked up door.

I can't help this feelin
its got my ass stuck
to the fuckin ceilin


DJY 9-12-05

Nothing in particular

Went to work today. That was fun. I am enjoying this job almost as much as I enjoy working with the elderly. On thursday afternoon I am going to go to one of our local pharmacies that deliver and apply for a thursday through saturday delivery job. They always need people who will drive at night time too. Alot of the folks that used to deliver to me brought there entire family along for the trips most nights so I know if I had a sick kid or something that I could bring them. Just as I can know with the floral company. The owner is tre cool that way.The van is fully insured so thats not a problem. Anyway I really don't have much to say and Friday is my last day of having internet until I get moved and get things figured out. With the higher rent I might be borrowing my sisters internet when ever Its convienient for her and Dave to let me do that. I need to keep my bills to a minimum. Getting a second job would help a lot. Night deliveries are almost always to the same clientel so I wouldn't have to worry about getting lost. I would be able to find the places in the daytime and then drive right to them at night. Reading the Thomas guide is getting easier for me. I still have problems being able to read the street signs soon enough though. I keep having to turn around !!!
Anyway, this damn machine is acting funny again so I don't know how much longer its gonna hold out anyway regardless of Internet connections.
Love to all of you. I hope to catch up at least once more on Thursday night with everyone. If not, If you don't hear from me. Know that I am thinking of all of you. All the time!
God bless you each and every one:)

9-9-1996

September ninth nineteenninetysix
The world became a better place at 12:40 pm.
A little girl was born, she was named Lynndsey. By the time she was nine years old she would already have many stories to tell about her life.



It doesn't seem that long ago, when I think about it, If I close my eyes, if I allow myself. I can feel her in my arms when she was so tiny and snuggly. I can smell her sweet baby smell, feel the ultra softness of her hair. I can hear her screaming in with angry indignity that I would dare to give her a bath. I can feel the smashed potatoes still warm hitting me square on the nose when she decided to toss them at me. I can see her digging her entire hand into her very first piece of birthday cake. I can see her struggling to walk in a straight line. The memory of hearing her say mama for the first time brings tears to my eyes. Looking at her now, sitting there watching tv with such concentration, she has only been nine for two days and already I see the changes another year has made that I didn't notice before her birthday.
Even though I have two other precious baby girls, I don't know what I would do with out this one. Lynndsey. Nine. Wow and Whoa.
Today is a happy birthday to my Donna mom and Dereks daughter Jordan.
Next month there are even more birthdays to come and again in December.
Birthdays are such an important mile marker in our lives. Celibrating the day of your birth, the day you arrived in this world is such an important thing to do. Yes it means admitting that you are older. Yes it means that another year of your life is gone. But it also is a great way to remember and celibrate everything you have learned and accomplished in the last year, a reminder to look forward to all that you will learn and accomplish in the coming year. If your not growing old gracefully your are doing it ungracefully. No one wants to do that!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNNDSEY<>MOM<>AND<> JORDAN

Rain

Its raining its pouring the old man is snoring....

I don't really have much to say right now. Mostly that I am not ignoring anyone. I just haven't felt like reading lately. I know that sounds terrible. But its the truth. There are a few blogs that I normally visit no matter what and even they have been by passed the last two days. Yesterday I left my computer unplugged all day, and not just because we were having lighting and the power had already blinked out twice. But because I didn't even want to look at my computer let alone plug it in and go online. So yeah I guess I have ignored everyone. Huh, guess I just didn't think of it that way before now. You see its not a mean thing. It's just a frustration thing. I personally am frustrated and angry and sad and depressed with things. I am tired and sick. My body aches. My heart aches and my head aches. I really do love all of you. I really do want to know what it going on in the lives of my friends.
I just don't want to right now. I hope that everyone understands. I am thinking of you and praying for you and for those you request prayers for.
I just needed some time and now I am back for today. I am going to try to get around to everyone. Some of you I haven't been able to visit for awhile because when I go to your page my computer shuts down. I have yet to figure out why. On the fifthteenth my cable is being turned off. Until I get moved on the first. I decided not to move before because of different reasons so now I am moving into an apartment on the first. I am excited about it because I will have no more yard work!!!! Its smaller then this huge house!!!! And I don't have to get rid of any of my precious pets and we can even get another dog!!!!!!! YAY.... But I also don't want to live in Everett.
I don't like the schools. We don't have to live there forever though so thats a good thing. And like I said the benefits far out weigh the bad points.
Lets see I think I need to actually write this out for myself too.
Benefits: Negatives:
1)Two bedrooms 1) Only two bedrooms
2) two bathrooms 2) Its in Everett on a bad street
3) dishwasher 3) There are druggies in the complex
4) washer and dryer 4) alot of neighbors.
5) fireplace
6) Pets are absolutely accepted
7)There is a park right behind our building
8) we have lived there before so the landlord is giving me a break on the rent
9) The deposit was only 150.00$
10) CARPET!!!! I know that is silly to some, but when you have lived with mostly cold hard wood floors and linoleum come see me.
11) Third floor and a balcony
12) NO YARD WORK!! But I can do little planters on my balcony
13) NO trash to take to the curb every week!!!!!
14) Did I mention there are DUMPSTERS!
15) There is a pool for summer time( if it gets fixed)

Yeah thats big.
I'd better get going if I am going to make it around to visit everyone today.
LOVE AND HUGS AND SMOOSHES TO ALL:)

He never falters

Butterflies

FREEDOM..........

When I look at this image my heart swells with pride. Or at least it used to anyway.
I am still very proud of the people this image represents. I am how ever not proud of what is happening to some of the people whom this falg represents.
Some say not to blame Bush. Some say it is no ones fault. Hurricane Katrina did all the damage. Hurricane Katrina did not leave people on their roof tops to starve to death, to die of thirst and exposure to the heat and sun. Hurricane Katrina did not tell the Red Cross they could not enter New Orleans. Hurrican Katrina did not make people stay in New Orleans to hours later tell them to walk out if they could. Hurrican Katrina did not leave people walking on the interstate begging for help as she drove blindly by. Hurricane Katrina did not send aid to some areas and not others. What Hurricane Katrina did do was treat every single person the same. As she tore through neighborhoods she did not give a shit if some one was black, white, or polka dotted. She spread her destruction around equally. She did not leave any one out. If she didn't take your life, she took your mothers, daughters, grandfathers, best friends, you get the picture I am painting here for you.
As always I regress to thinking positive.
I believe that we will know think of the homeless in a whole new light.
I believe that we have and or will all learn something very very important from all of this.
I believe that everyone will at some point be better off after this in some way or another.
I believe that every person whom passed did so because they were meant to.
I have my beliefs you have yours don't put me down for mine.
I believe that hearts have opened and hence so have doors. Doors that at one time and in a different situation would have never ever even begun to think of opening.
I am grateful for that alone and in and of itself.
I know that Bush is doing the wrong things and so is FEMA. As people have said. Now is not the time to place the blame.. Hmmmm...exactly when should we point these things out then. Five years from now when this happens again some where else. How many people have to die to bring the point home to the blind and deaf and in denial that our country suffers from a severe case of racism. Our very own ELECTED president suffers from this disorder of ignorance. The director of FEMA suffers also.
As do so many many others. I am so disgusted by this situation, I cannot think of anything else........
When you look at that picture above. What do you feel?

Untitled

I really don't know what to say or how to say it. I really do not know how to express my anger and my frustration. I am so fed up with everything that is going on.
I am also moved to tears by what I see. Good and bad. I see a government that has its collective head up its enormous lazy ass. I see not only an American public but a World public that sees the same problem I see, and that is reaching out as best it can without the help of the dumbasses we elected. Hearing today that the county I live in and a neighboring county are expecting refugees from New Orleans and Ms, has brought tears to my eyes. Helping those in need is so important. Having no money to donate I will be giving time to those who arrive here. I will be trying to collect some things together to give to the shelters. I am going to contact some local stores in my town and ask them to please donate goods and services, and also to offer jobs.
There is so very much more that I wish to say, I still just do not have the words.
Shouting and screaming seem like such a good idea right now, but all that won't accomplish a damn thing. Things have got to change. I do not know enough about politics to know how to go about doing that, I am sure as hell gonna learn. Anyone out there who wants a student please raise your hand. I have a voice and I want to use it. I have a voice that I want to use to help those who don't. I won't just be going to school to do phlebotomy or social work. I am going to learn everything I can about the government and how it works. It isn't enough to vote for those you want to represent you. All to often some one else gets the office. Isn't there a way to replace all of them at once with others who have a better handle on reality and a true ear to the people. Is there not a way to make this right. To make sure that such important balls are never dropped again. More later. I am to angry and I have been learning to much tonight. My brain is smoldering and my soul on fire.

SILENCE

ANNE RICE SPEAKS OUT

Please read this article. It is a bit long but it is well worth the read. And I just have to say that I agree with her 100000000% + and I have never been to New Orleans. I have only experienced it through tv and books. Even though I have never been there in person the richness of the culture never had a problem coming through. The vividness never failed to reach my soul. The beauty and the diverse peoples who lived so closely and warmly together. The magic of that city may be dampend and it may take a while to dry off and rebuild. But I have no doubt that no matter what happens. The people of New Orleans will always bring it.




******please read THIS post by WANDA.
All I want to know is.
WHEN do WE THE PEOPLE
march on Washington?**********

HURRICANE KATRINA AUGUST-29-2005

The wind and rain
of natures pain
with brutal force unrestrained

made its angry way

the wind and rain
came upon our land
tearing down houses
blowing down trees
desimating cities

the wind has blown
natures fury staind
every heart in pain

people gone crazy with stress
shooting rescuers
pushing aside the slain

bodies in the streets
rats banquet, Senators congradulate
Someone dropped the ball
but it wasn't me, or them.

homeless, sick , and dying
filling our domes
every heart staind
with memories of pain

* FOR MY NEIGHBORS*
What the wind didnt'
take
What nature didn't ruin
What water didn't make a lake

Idiots have shot
looted and raped
assholes burned
and the government forsakes

What the wind blew away
tore down and relocated
can be replaced
what lack of preparation
allowed to die will be forever
HELD IN GODS GRACE

Lives are shattered,
a new atlantis born
memories last forever
lost alone forlorn
Open your arms AMERICA
Open your doors wide
your neighbors on your doorstep
they need a chance at lifee.


*****
It is beyond my comprehension why people would shoot at rescue workers, at people being evacuated from hospitals. I guess it just goes to prove that if you are of a criminal mind your mind doesn't change when tragedy is laid out before you. It makes you worse. I think that when these people are caught they should simply be put out of our misery.
The amount of time it is taking to get everyone out of there is making me sick. Knowing that people are dying because rescue efforts are being hindered in a variety of ways just astounds me. This is a tremendous disaster and AMERICA needs to pull together. There need to be people with buses and trucks lined up to get folks out of there. And TEXAS needs to be joined by other states in opening there doors. As human beings WE need to open the doors of our homes.
There are things that can be done. Landlords can give people empty rentals with three months free rent so they can get on there feet. Companies need to give jobs, corporations need to donate food, clothes, furniture, towels, bedding, housewares, right along side WAL * MART.
The general public needs to donate money, time, skills. I don't care who you are. THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.

TEXAS rocks in my book, along with WAL*MART and the RED CROSS and sooooo many other organizations and 20 countries around the world.
This is a huge catastrophy we all need to do what ever we can to help every singel person who has lost their home, their relatives, their jobs and everything they owned.


SOMET IMES PRAYERS NEED A LITTLE ACTION BEHIND THEM.


******call your American Red Cross TODAY and volunteer!!!!!!!!!!!!

***** PIRATE PLAN****

JOHNNY IS SAFE!!!!!!!

Desperately seeking Johnny. Please click HERE to see how you can help victims of Katrina

Dereks brother Johnny Nelson is still un heard from. He and his wife lived right on the beach in Pascagoula area. Johnny works at Singing River Hospital in Pascagoula.
I have not been able to reach the hospital, Johhny's cell or his wifes cell. Communications are down everywhere. There is no power. There is nothing to get power to on the coastal areas. ALso missing are Melanie and Gale. Dereks Aunt and cousin.
Who also lived along the coast. No one in the family has heard from them. Of course they must have evacuated. It is just very hard to get through to any one at all down there. Prayers worked to do so much already. Derek and his family would like to express there grattitude to all who prayed. Derek says, those prayers worked some miracles. They are all very stressed but were in high spirits. I haven't been able to reach him again to tell him that some other family members are also okay and that they have offers of help from Deans ( Dereks mom) best friend and son. I sent him a text but I don't know if he got it or not. I sent him another this morning and again I don't know if he got it or not. He said he was getting them, he got an entire list of the other info, thoughts, and prayers I sent all throughout. He just can't get his texts back to me to go out. He said there is an entire list on his phone of messages that I will get. Of his thoughts and fears and things when everything was going on. I am getting off track, please pray for Johnny, Theresa, Melanie and Gale.
They need your prayers. They are much loved and much worried about. If any one has any information on how I can find out more on how to contact people down there please let me know. I am also looking for my friend Erech. I don't even know what city or state he might have been in during all of this, but the last I heard he was down that way. Sorry I haven't been around to visit as of late. I am hoping to get some of that done today. Please also visit Rebekahs blog. She has phnemonia now and needs more prayers!!!
And just for the record. I love all of you very much.
***********
Please visit VICTORIA to help with disaster relief
***********