I am laying in bed watching tv and all I can think about is Billy. Its is 3:07 am.
I know he is only going to be gone for thirty days and I know I can go visit him sometimes.
But he is not HERE. He is in jail, no freedom. Can't even smoke a cigarette. Maybe they will do something about his tooth though. I don't even know if he knows he can see the dentist while he is in there. I got used to him being around. I never thought I would want another man in my life until I met him. I really thought that there was no way I could fit another person into my life.
Or that I could fit all of my life into another persons. It is amazing to me how easily we meshed.
Everything just came together just like that.
I miss him so much.
I know that their are people out there missing their partner for much longer then I have or will be missing mine because their partner is in the military. I really don't know how they deal with it except for one day at a time.
My hat goes off to them.
I know our situation is nothing like theirs but that doesn't make it easier.
Or less.
Just different.
I miss him so much. And I am so tired. I got a lot of stuff done today in a short amount of time.
Stress cleaning.
I guess it can be a good thing.
It will come in handy in the next few days. Poor Billy won't recognize the place when he gets back. I am sitting here racking my brain on how to pay things. I have to pay my phone bill. It is the only way the kids schools have getting ahold of me.
Or me them, or the doctor or 911 or anything like that.
I can't afford the freezer payment so on the seventh that will have to go back.
I don't know what to do about the rest. I still have pud and rent and cable and and and and.
Not to mention dog food cat food crickets fish food bird food. ARRGGGG.
That doesn't include dish soap garbage bags, shampoo razors and stuff like that.
I am not supposed to work because of my health. But I really don't see how I have any other choice. I need to get something at least temporary until Billy gets out of jail. Or I need to rob a bank or something. No I won't do that. I promise, I don't need to join Billy in jail. And knowing my luck I would try to rob a bank with a police officer in the next line. Seriously thats how things work out when I try to be bad to the bone.
So I think I will just behave myself try to find a job and go to volunteers of America just in case.
I don't know what they can do for me but I need to have back up of some kind.
Billy has just gone to jail at the wrong time. we were depending on his income to pay the bills and stuff. He will be in their on my birthday too. I will be 35 this wednesday and I don't wanna.
Especially if Billy can't be with me.
This just bites.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
I don't know what I am gonna do
Billy went to jail, he will be there for thirty days due to a probabtion violation.
I don't know how I am gonna pay my bills. I'll figure it out. I always do. I just feel really bad for Billy. He is very upset with himself right now. Please pray for him.
I don't know how I am gonna pay my bills. I'll figure it out. I always do. I just feel really bad for Billy. He is very upset with himself right now. Please pray for him.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Memories More
Today memories have been swimming in my head like otters.
Frolicking in the waves of the ocean in my warped mind like dolphins.
Earlier I had a great memory of our cabin. Sitting on the old steps with Renae and Vicki ( my sister). We were watching the adults sitting on the deck. Mostly men. And they were drinking beer and shooting crows.
The crows were falling from the sky like black rain. I remember distinctly how there beautiful feathers would shine and glisten as they fell. I know it sounds strange to say that this was a good memory.
But it wasn't the mass murder of a murder of crows that was the good part, although trying to tell the starlings and sparrows that would be difficult.
The good part is remember the smell of the wind, and the cocunut oil on my skin and the skin of my sister. The salt water in our hair. Smoke from the fire not to far away. The smell of dinner cooking in the kitchen and the bbq.
The good part is remembering how much all those people loved and cared about us kids. How much they loved and cared about each other.
All the funerals I have been to in the past five years have been for people I grew up knowing from the cabin and super bowl parties and ice skating on the lakes if it was cold enough. From crab feeds and trips to the Ocean at Copalis Beach in Washington to go clam digging.
Most of the kids I grew up are all far away and living there own lives.
The only time I see them is at weddings and funerals. Which sucks.
* I swear I am going to invite all of them to come to our wedding just so that I can see them!*
I miss them so much sometimes.
My family adopted Kelli now. Both her parents are gone.
Her mother died when she was 11 or so and her dad passed away two years ago. I am proud to say that she is my sister. Even if she was 37 when we adopted her!
As you all know we just buried one of the most pivotal people in my life.
Dottie. I still miss her . She has come around here and there though to remind me know she didn't really go any where.
I would like to say hi to Kim, Ginger, Susie, Stevie, Andy, Missy, Wally, Lief, Renae, Kelly, Stacy, Lee, and Todd.
I miss you guys!
Frolicking in the waves of the ocean in my warped mind like dolphins.
Earlier I had a great memory of our cabin. Sitting on the old steps with Renae and Vicki ( my sister). We were watching the adults sitting on the deck. Mostly men. And they were drinking beer and shooting crows.
The crows were falling from the sky like black rain. I remember distinctly how there beautiful feathers would shine and glisten as they fell. I know it sounds strange to say that this was a good memory.
But it wasn't the mass murder of a murder of crows that was the good part, although trying to tell the starlings and sparrows that would be difficult.
The good part is remember the smell of the wind, and the cocunut oil on my skin and the skin of my sister. The salt water in our hair. Smoke from the fire not to far away. The smell of dinner cooking in the kitchen and the bbq.
The good part is remembering how much all those people loved and cared about us kids. How much they loved and cared about each other.
All the funerals I have been to in the past five years have been for people I grew up knowing from the cabin and super bowl parties and ice skating on the lakes if it was cold enough. From crab feeds and trips to the Ocean at Copalis Beach in Washington to go clam digging.
Most of the kids I grew up are all far away and living there own lives.
The only time I see them is at weddings and funerals. Which sucks.
* I swear I am going to invite all of them to come to our wedding just so that I can see them!*
I miss them so much sometimes.
My family adopted Kelli now. Both her parents are gone.
Her mother died when she was 11 or so and her dad passed away two years ago. I am proud to say that she is my sister. Even if she was 37 when we adopted her!
As you all know we just buried one of the most pivotal people in my life.
Dottie. I still miss her . She has come around here and there though to remind me know she didn't really go any where.
I would like to say hi to Kim, Ginger, Susie, Stevie, Andy, Missy, Wally, Lief, Renae, Kelly, Stacy, Lee, and Todd.
I miss you guys!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
A Poem from long ago and not so far away
Summer Storms
Inspired by Sierra and Lynndsey, A conversation in June 03 at the start of the storm.
The summer storm,
Thunders in my brain,
The lightning flashes,
As it begins to rain.
It comes down in buckets,
In swimming sheets,
The power goes out
I leap to my feet.
Jagged lightning puts on a show,
Thunder booms and cracks and rolls,
The candle flames dance,
This storm soothes my soul.
The crystalyn rain falls,
From a darkling sky,
A glistening tear,
Falls silent from my eye.
The summer storm,
Begins to pass,
With a crack and a snap,
The cold rain is gone.
Inspired by Sierra and Lynndsey, A conversation in June 03 at the start of the storm.
The summer storm,
Thunders in my brain,
The lightning flashes,
As it begins to rain.
It comes down in buckets,
In swimming sheets,
The power goes out
I leap to my feet.
Jagged lightning puts on a show,
Thunder booms and cracks and rolls,
The candle flames dance,
This storm soothes my soul.
The crystalyn rain falls,
From a darkling sky,
A glistening tear,
Falls silent from my eye.
The summer storm,
Begins to pass,
With a crack and a snap,
The cold rain is gone.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
INVITAIONS
Billy and I would like to extend an invatation to anyone and all of our friends here on line.
We will be getting married June 26th of this year at our favorite place.
Please let us know if you would like to attend. We would love to see all of you there!
We will be getting married June 26th of this year at our favorite place.
Please let us know if you would like to attend. We would love to see all of you there!
Can't believe it! He's the one!
I love him so much. Loving him and being with him is so natural and right. Its just right.
Billy is a wonderment to me.
Being so sure of him and us is so different for me.
Never have I ever KNOWN like this, been so sure. There are no doubts what so ever as to if this is right or wrong or what ever. IT IS RIGHT!
I love him and I know he loves me.
We may be moving fast but when you know something is right and meant to be there is no such thing as moving too fast. We are doing what comes naturally to us.
Their are some folks that want us to wait or don't want us to get married right now.
They can kiss my grits, I will even make a fresh batch.
BILLY I LOVE YOU!!!!
Billy is a wonderment to me.
Being so sure of him and us is so different for me.
Never have I ever KNOWN like this, been so sure. There are no doubts what so ever as to if this is right or wrong or what ever. IT IS RIGHT!
I love him and I know he loves me.
We may be moving fast but when you know something is right and meant to be there is no such thing as moving too fast. We are doing what comes naturally to us.
Their are some folks that want us to wait or don't want us to get married right now.
They can kiss my grits, I will even make a fresh batch.
BILLY I LOVE YOU!!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Clearing begins at the start.
When I open the door to my past, I see a tornando of garbage and bad dreams.
I see in the back some stuff that has been put in boxes and bags on a shelf, organized into good memories. You know the stuff worth hanging onto and remembering.
Its the clutter hanging around the bottom of the closet that needs to be cleared, the stuff clinging to the door way to my mind like poisionous cobwebs. Well today I've got my witches broom set to CLEAN and I am ready for action.
The first thing I need to be rid of is anger. Anger at my mom for the way she told me I was adopted. Anger at my parents for always treating me like I was second or third or tenth on their list of those they loved. Anger at myself for allowing me to always feel that my sister Vicki was better then me, anger at Vicki for always being so damn perfect. It was like she could never do anything wrong in my parents eyes, even though she absolutely did!
Anger at other people for not speaking up about what they saw until it was way to late.
When a child is not yet three years old and they ask how there baby sister or brother got in the mommys tummy that is a normal question. When they ask how they got in there mommys tummy the normal response would be the same as the first. Not so for me. I was told I was in some other ladies tummy. That was it. End of conversation. Immediatley there was a billion questions running through my mind. What was wrong with me? Where was this other lady?
Mommy said she was the babys mommy, is she mine? the confusion was horrendous.
I grew up from that moment on feeling like a stranger in the home that was supposed to be my own. I felt like a stranger amongst the family that was supposed to be mine.
My friends can tell you. I am a much different person when my " family" isn't around.
I am someone my " family " wouldn't recognize. Someone they would probably not like because of who they are. I love them do not mistake me on this. I love my mom and dad and sister and brothers. I love them with all my heart. I am not one of them. I never have been and I never will be. My father has said it himself. If he didn't know me he wouldn't want to.
He doesn't like me, He wishes I had never been born, that he never adopted me, that he didn't know me at all. Has he ever taken those words back? NO. Will he? No.
Does he love me. Sure. In his own way he loves me very much.
My mom has hit me, she gets drunk and she starts these horrible fights, its terrible, I actually hit her back once. Do I feel bad about it? Hell no. She was going after Lynn and Hannah.
She will denie this to no end. But I had the marks on my cheeck from defending two small children and myself and the police have the report because she wouldn't leave my house.
These are all things I need to let go of. Give them to Aiuni to do with these memories and the guilt and anger as Aiuni wishes. I want to forgive these things, I want to let them go and think of them no more. Keep the lessons and get rid of the rest.
I don't want to think of these things ever time I hear their voices or see their faces.
There is so much more but I cannot do it all at once. Start with the poison cobwebs and work may way through to the rest.
Aiuni take these things from me today and release them for me. I have not the strength to do it myself, to watch them float away on the winds to the stars.
I see in the back some stuff that has been put in boxes and bags on a shelf, organized into good memories. You know the stuff worth hanging onto and remembering.
Its the clutter hanging around the bottom of the closet that needs to be cleared, the stuff clinging to the door way to my mind like poisionous cobwebs. Well today I've got my witches broom set to CLEAN and I am ready for action.
The first thing I need to be rid of is anger. Anger at my mom for the way she told me I was adopted. Anger at my parents for always treating me like I was second or third or tenth on their list of those they loved. Anger at myself for allowing me to always feel that my sister Vicki was better then me, anger at Vicki for always being so damn perfect. It was like she could never do anything wrong in my parents eyes, even though she absolutely did!
Anger at other people for not speaking up about what they saw until it was way to late.
When a child is not yet three years old and they ask how there baby sister or brother got in the mommys tummy that is a normal question. When they ask how they got in there mommys tummy the normal response would be the same as the first. Not so for me. I was told I was in some other ladies tummy. That was it. End of conversation. Immediatley there was a billion questions running through my mind. What was wrong with me? Where was this other lady?
Mommy said she was the babys mommy, is she mine? the confusion was horrendous.
I grew up from that moment on feeling like a stranger in the home that was supposed to be my own. I felt like a stranger amongst the family that was supposed to be mine.
My friends can tell you. I am a much different person when my " family" isn't around.
I am someone my " family " wouldn't recognize. Someone they would probably not like because of who they are. I love them do not mistake me on this. I love my mom and dad and sister and brothers. I love them with all my heart. I am not one of them. I never have been and I never will be. My father has said it himself. If he didn't know me he wouldn't want to.
He doesn't like me, He wishes I had never been born, that he never adopted me, that he didn't know me at all. Has he ever taken those words back? NO. Will he? No.
Does he love me. Sure. In his own way he loves me very much.
My mom has hit me, she gets drunk and she starts these horrible fights, its terrible, I actually hit her back once. Do I feel bad about it? Hell no. She was going after Lynn and Hannah.
She will denie this to no end. But I had the marks on my cheeck from defending two small children and myself and the police have the report because she wouldn't leave my house.
These are all things I need to let go of. Give them to Aiuni to do with these memories and the guilt and anger as Aiuni wishes. I want to forgive these things, I want to let them go and think of them no more. Keep the lessons and get rid of the rest.
I don't want to think of these things ever time I hear their voices or see their faces.
There is so much more but I cannot do it all at once. Start with the poison cobwebs and work may way through to the rest.
Aiuni take these things from me today and release them for me. I have not the strength to do it myself, to watch them float away on the winds to the stars.
Monday, February 20, 2006
JOHARI
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Billy
I don't know why it says my name is Billy it was supposed to be Billy's Queen.
Soon I will post pictures of us so ya can see my baby!
I stoled that idea from MONKEYGIRL.
Who stoled it from osbasso. Feel free to steal it for yourself if ya ant ta.
I don't know why it says my name is Billy it was supposed to be Billy's Queen.
Soon I will post pictures of us so ya can see my baby!
I stoled that idea from MONKEYGIRL.
Who stoled it from osbasso. Feel free to steal it for yourself if ya ant ta.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Some People
Are tragically in need of a brain transplant.
When I got together with Billy I introduced him to Tommy.
Tommy didn't seem to get the clue. He came over the other day and put his hands all over me, tried to kiss me several times, grabbed at me and when I told him I would not fuck him he asked me if I would watch him jack off. This is sick to me. How could he do this. I told him in very plain language that I was in love with Billy, I told him quite loudly not to touch me. He kept doing it, grabbing my chest and my coochie. He wipped out his dick even and started stroking it. As if I would not be able to resist his tiny little noodle. I am still quite shaking by the event.
I made him leave after threating twice to scream for my kids to go get one of their uncles. He left saying okay okay shhh don't tell anyone this happend. FUCK YOU DUDE!
I told my moo first. Then she went down with my brothers girlfriend Trinia and told Tommy a thing or two. Trinia eventually told my brother something was up, but she didn't know what it was, so Moo had to tell him, but she didn't go into detail. I of course told Billy, believe me when I tell you he wants to make Tommy into mist in the wind. I told my bro in law Rob, and he had a convo with Tommy too and with Sev, ( my brother) Rob told me today that I will not have to worry about Tommy anymore. It has been made extremely clear that he is to stay away from me, and Sev is gonna kick his fucking ass. I know Billy will want to get in on that, I don't want him to go to jail. I understand he wants to say a few things to Tommy. I just don't want Billy to go to jail. That won't do him any good, and Tommy will still be a fucktard. He will be in the hospital but he will still be a fucktard. I just don't think violence is the way to handle the situation. Tell him off in anyway you want. Tell him that his ass will be history if he even thinks about saying hello to me. But don't put yourself in jail over Tommy. He is not worth it. I don't want my brother to go to jail either. I don't want anyone to go to jail. I just want Tommyasshat to leave me the fuck alone. He has a fucking girlfriend. Why doesn't he jack off for her?
Speak of the devil he is right down stairs. His girlfriend lives in the apartment under mine.
I want to move suddenly. Before June rolls around. I want out of here. I know I could take Tommy in a fucking heart beat. Scramble his egg. But I don't feel as safe now. I wouln't mind going to jail myself. And now I am kicking myself in the ass for not kicking his ass and not knocking him the fuck out.
When I got together with Billy I introduced him to Tommy.
Tommy didn't seem to get the clue. He came over the other day and put his hands all over me, tried to kiss me several times, grabbed at me and when I told him I would not fuck him he asked me if I would watch him jack off. This is sick to me. How could he do this. I told him in very plain language that I was in love with Billy, I told him quite loudly not to touch me. He kept doing it, grabbing my chest and my coochie. He wipped out his dick even and started stroking it. As if I would not be able to resist his tiny little noodle. I am still quite shaking by the event.
I made him leave after threating twice to scream for my kids to go get one of their uncles. He left saying okay okay shhh don't tell anyone this happend. FUCK YOU DUDE!
I told my moo first. Then she went down with my brothers girlfriend Trinia and told Tommy a thing or two. Trinia eventually told my brother something was up, but she didn't know what it was, so Moo had to tell him, but she didn't go into detail. I of course told Billy, believe me when I tell you he wants to make Tommy into mist in the wind. I told my bro in law Rob, and he had a convo with Tommy too and with Sev, ( my brother) Rob told me today that I will not have to worry about Tommy anymore. It has been made extremely clear that he is to stay away from me, and Sev is gonna kick his fucking ass. I know Billy will want to get in on that, I don't want him to go to jail. I understand he wants to say a few things to Tommy. I just don't want Billy to go to jail. That won't do him any good, and Tommy will still be a fucktard. He will be in the hospital but he will still be a fucktard. I just don't think violence is the way to handle the situation. Tell him off in anyway you want. Tell him that his ass will be history if he even thinks about saying hello to me. But don't put yourself in jail over Tommy. He is not worth it. I don't want my brother to go to jail either. I don't want anyone to go to jail. I just want Tommyasshat to leave me the fuck alone. He has a fucking girlfriend. Why doesn't he jack off for her?
Speak of the devil he is right down stairs. His girlfriend lives in the apartment under mine.
I want to move suddenly. Before June rolls around. I want out of here. I know I could take Tommy in a fucking heart beat. Scramble his egg. But I don't feel as safe now. I wouln't mind going to jail myself. And now I am kicking myself in the ass for not kicking his ass and not knocking him the fuck out.
Friday, February 17, 2006
The Past
A comment from David (txoceanlover) Has inspired me to to tell you all how signifigant my relationship with Billy really is.
I will start in the beginning.
1987* I was at the mall with my boyfriend Robert and his sister April, we needed someone to buy us cigarettes because we were not old enough.
Two guys walked by and I called out to them, one of them (John) said no problem, he went in and got us cigs, and we chatted for a few minutes. Those were the good ol days when you could smoke inside the mall!
*somehow I knew I was gonna see him again* a few days later he showed up at my school looking for my friend Cherri (sherry). He found me and we talked for quite a while and hung out. The next day he came back and things progressed from there, we became really good friends. Robert broke up with me a year later but John was in Oregon and I didn't know it. Then another friend of mine got a letter from him. I got the address and wrote him a letter. Two years later I went down and got him in Springfield Oregon. In 1990 I became his wife, the night we were married I conceived Amanda. Two months after Amanda was born he began beating the crap out of me. I believe he was on drugs at this point.
He broke my sternum. After a year of going back and forth and beating the fuck out him myself with the unasked for assistance of two of his friend who happend to arrive, I left him. I was single for almost two years.
In 91 I ahd met Jason at my friend Veronica's house, Amanda was just a tiny baby and I had been allowed out of the house only because John didn't want anyone to know what he was doing and he knew that Roni and I went way back.
Jason was with my friend Sally off and on. Anyway he was a punk ass mother fucker and I didn't like him, but I told Veronica, " I don't like that guy veggie, but some how I know I am going to marry him and have two little girls with him."
That is what happend. Although backwards! In 1994 we had Sierra, and 1996 we had Lynndsey, we didn't get married until November 9th 1997.
In October 98 he left and went to Sally for a good time. That was trully the end.
In all the time that we had been together he had gone to Sally countless times.
When I was in the hospital nearly dying, 7 months pregnant with Sierra, with a hot gall bladder, he was elsewhere sleeping with his friends sister.
When we would argue he would walk out the door and not come back, one time I didn't see him for 4 months. He slept with men and women whenever the urge struck him. When I was in the hospital giving birth to Lynn he stayed at work. He came by for ten minutes to see her and gave me a kiss and then went and fucked his best friend Greg. Yeah I know.
I can't tell you how many times I was tested in the time that I was with Jason.
For many years after we split he would come around and I couldn't resist him.
In 2001 he was supposed to come and help me out after my hysterectomy. He was to busy fucking my friend Sharon. I went through that alone, recovered from that alone. My parents came back from Arizona and stayed longer to try to help me out by taking the kids. My dad would send Sierra over with sandwhiches so that I would eat.
In 2002 He kidnapped my kids from school with the assistance of child protective services, he went to them and said I was a danger to them and him.
He had been living with me for three months.
In 2004 he lived with me for six months. Yes even after taking my kids and keeping them from me for a month I let him back in my house.
I have custody of my kids in Washington and Oregon because of him.
And cps won't fuck with me either. They know better now. I will win and prove them wrong!
He accused me of doing drugs, I proved through voluntary blood test taken randomly through my doctor that I was not on drugs.
I know.
If anyone needs legal advise on how to get divorced or get custody of your kids let me know. I can help. I was told by every person I delt with in the courst including five lawyers and four judges that I should do this for a living.
September 9th 2004 I divorced him. Done deal. In all that time I had a few flings and a few one night stands. I wouldn't let anyone in. I think I would have let Derek in, but really he was just my very best friend in the entire world.
In late November I met Billy. I like him on sight. I didn't say anything to anybody. In fact tossed the idea around of hooking him up with my mom!
Boo hiss to that!!
I didn't want to really admit to myself how I was feeling about Billy. It was scary! So I told myself to hook up with his brother ( not blood brothers) Clay.
I even told Jen I knew I was gonna hook up with him. Which I did.
But then went right to Billy. I felt terrible. As you all know from previous posts.
Billy is so sweet, it doesn't matter to him. As far as I am concerned he is a better man then most I have ever known. Billy is sweet and loyal, and wonderful.
I wish I had met him a long long long time ago. I did actually, but I knew it wasn't the right time. For either of us. But I knew. I knew when I saw him.
I never said a damn word to anyone. NO ONE. But I knew.
I knew it then and I REALLY know it now. He is the one Aiuni ment for me, and I am the one meant for him. I haven't let anyone on earth "in" the way I have let him in. Until now Derek was the closest. Derek and I know eachother almost better then we know ourselves. That was a naturally accuring phenomenon though. With Billy it is just easy to let him know me. To tell him anything, to ask him anything, being with him is as comfortable as being alone with myself. I enjoy his company more then any other person on earth. I love being with him.
I love talking to him. I love him period. This is just something that does not happen in a persons life all the time. This is rare, and special, and precious.
I wish this for everyone.
Things have not been easy for me in my life or in my loves.
I haven't told half of what I have gone through. No one really knows. I keep some things to myself. Not anymore. Be prepared. I will be writing about it now.
It is time to let go of the past. It is time to let it out.
I am ready now, as I am ready to love again and be loved.
I am ready to really let myself live my life.
I am changing and I like the changes. It is a good thing.
Billy is a wondeful person and I am trully lucky to have him in my life.
I will start in the beginning.
1987* I was at the mall with my boyfriend Robert and his sister April, we needed someone to buy us cigarettes because we were not old enough.
Two guys walked by and I called out to them, one of them (John) said no problem, he went in and got us cigs, and we chatted for a few minutes. Those were the good ol days when you could smoke inside the mall!
*somehow I knew I was gonna see him again* a few days later he showed up at my school looking for my friend Cherri (sherry). He found me and we talked for quite a while and hung out. The next day he came back and things progressed from there, we became really good friends. Robert broke up with me a year later but John was in Oregon and I didn't know it. Then another friend of mine got a letter from him. I got the address and wrote him a letter. Two years later I went down and got him in Springfield Oregon. In 1990 I became his wife, the night we were married I conceived Amanda. Two months after Amanda was born he began beating the crap out of me. I believe he was on drugs at this point.
He broke my sternum. After a year of going back and forth and beating the fuck out him myself with the unasked for assistance of two of his friend who happend to arrive, I left him. I was single for almost two years.
In 91 I ahd met Jason at my friend Veronica's house, Amanda was just a tiny baby and I had been allowed out of the house only because John didn't want anyone to know what he was doing and he knew that Roni and I went way back.
Jason was with my friend Sally off and on. Anyway he was a punk ass mother fucker and I didn't like him, but I told Veronica, " I don't like that guy veggie, but some how I know I am going to marry him and have two little girls with him."
That is what happend. Although backwards! In 1994 we had Sierra, and 1996 we had Lynndsey, we didn't get married until November 9th 1997.
In October 98 he left and went to Sally for a good time. That was trully the end.
In all the time that we had been together he had gone to Sally countless times.
When I was in the hospital nearly dying, 7 months pregnant with Sierra, with a hot gall bladder, he was elsewhere sleeping with his friends sister.
When we would argue he would walk out the door and not come back, one time I didn't see him for 4 months. He slept with men and women whenever the urge struck him. When I was in the hospital giving birth to Lynn he stayed at work. He came by for ten minutes to see her and gave me a kiss and then went and fucked his best friend Greg. Yeah I know.
I can't tell you how many times I was tested in the time that I was with Jason.
For many years after we split he would come around and I couldn't resist him.
In 2001 he was supposed to come and help me out after my hysterectomy. He was to busy fucking my friend Sharon. I went through that alone, recovered from that alone. My parents came back from Arizona and stayed longer to try to help me out by taking the kids. My dad would send Sierra over with sandwhiches so that I would eat.
In 2002 He kidnapped my kids from school with the assistance of child protective services, he went to them and said I was a danger to them and him.
He had been living with me for three months.
In 2004 he lived with me for six months. Yes even after taking my kids and keeping them from me for a month I let him back in my house.
I have custody of my kids in Washington and Oregon because of him.
And cps won't fuck with me either. They know better now. I will win and prove them wrong!
He accused me of doing drugs, I proved through voluntary blood test taken randomly through my doctor that I was not on drugs.
I know.
If anyone needs legal advise on how to get divorced or get custody of your kids let me know. I can help. I was told by every person I delt with in the courst including five lawyers and four judges that I should do this for a living.
September 9th 2004 I divorced him. Done deal. In all that time I had a few flings and a few one night stands. I wouldn't let anyone in. I think I would have let Derek in, but really he was just my very best friend in the entire world.
In late November I met Billy. I like him on sight. I didn't say anything to anybody. In fact tossed the idea around of hooking him up with my mom!
Boo hiss to that!!
I didn't want to really admit to myself how I was feeling about Billy. It was scary! So I told myself to hook up with his brother ( not blood brothers) Clay.
I even told Jen I knew I was gonna hook up with him. Which I did.
But then went right to Billy. I felt terrible. As you all know from previous posts.
Billy is so sweet, it doesn't matter to him. As far as I am concerned he is a better man then most I have ever known. Billy is sweet and loyal, and wonderful.
I wish I had met him a long long long time ago. I did actually, but I knew it wasn't the right time. For either of us. But I knew. I knew when I saw him.
I never said a damn word to anyone. NO ONE. But I knew.
I knew it then and I REALLY know it now. He is the one Aiuni ment for me, and I am the one meant for him. I haven't let anyone on earth "in" the way I have let him in. Until now Derek was the closest. Derek and I know eachother almost better then we know ourselves. That was a naturally accuring phenomenon though. With Billy it is just easy to let him know me. To tell him anything, to ask him anything, being with him is as comfortable as being alone with myself. I enjoy his company more then any other person on earth. I love being with him.
I love talking to him. I love him period. This is just something that does not happen in a persons life all the time. This is rare, and special, and precious.
I wish this for everyone.
Things have not been easy for me in my life or in my loves.
I haven't told half of what I have gone through. No one really knows. I keep some things to myself. Not anymore. Be prepared. I will be writing about it now.
It is time to let go of the past. It is time to let it out.
I am ready now, as I am ready to love again and be loved.
I am ready to really let myself live my life.
I am changing and I like the changes. It is a good thing.
Billy is a wondeful person and I am trully lucky to have him in my life.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Sweetness
I think Billy must be the sweetest man god ever put on earth.
This morning he went to the store to get cigarettes and brought me back a Mt. Dew too. He is sooo sweet and thoughtful. I love him!!
I can't believe how much I love him. I am so grateful for his presence in my life.
I am so grateful to Aiuni for bringing us together. I just want to shout it to the world.
I LOVE BILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning he went to the store to get cigarettes and brought me back a Mt. Dew too. He is sooo sweet and thoughtful. I love him!!
I can't believe how much I love him. I am so grateful for his presence in my life.
I am so grateful to Aiuni for bringing us together. I just want to shout it to the world.
I LOVE BILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
YYYYAAAAAAYYYYYYYY
PLEASE VISIT REBEKAH S PAGE TODAY OR TOMARROW AND LEAVE A MESSAGE!
THE TESTS HAVE COME BACK AND REBEKAH IS
CANCER FREE!!!!!!
THE TESTS HAVE COME BACK AND REBEKAH IS
CANCER FREE!!!!!!
New Blog
yes I have another one. I am going to put the link in my sidebar, right under Billy's new blog.
Detail Mans Love Life. Yes we really are that mushy!!
Detail Mans Love Life. Yes we really are that mushy!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
I can't believe another valentines day is here already. It seems like just yesterday the last one came around.
Last year I was alone. Nothing new about that. Even when I was with someone, it never failed that Valentines would come and go and I would be alone. It was the next day that someone would be kissing my ass.
Not this year! This year I have Billy and he has me! He even blogged about me and the girls today. You can read it HERE.
Today will be a good day indeed. Snow blew in today,woke up to about an inch or so. School is two hours late, and Billy is not going to work.
He works washing and detailing cars so can't do that in the snow! The hose is frozen.. So I get to spend the entire day with the love of my life :)
Even though I hate snow, Valentines day will be wonderful.
I hope and wish for everyone to have an awesome day with the person they love. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL BILLY!!!!!!
Last year I was alone. Nothing new about that. Even when I was with someone, it never failed that Valentines would come and go and I would be alone. It was the next day that someone would be kissing my ass.
Not this year! This year I have Billy and he has me! He even blogged about me and the girls today. You can read it HERE.
Today will be a good day indeed. Snow blew in today,woke up to about an inch or so. School is two hours late, and Billy is not going to work.
He works washing and detailing cars so can't do that in the snow! The hose is frozen.. So I get to spend the entire day with the love of my life :)
Even though I hate snow, Valentines day will be wonderful.
I hope and wish for everyone to have an awesome day with the person they love. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL BILLY!!!!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I just realized something
I have gotten boring. That is why no one is around. I have been boring for a few weeks now.
I am thinking of deleting this blog. I don't know that I will. Its just a thought I'm kicking around.
I love to blog, I love to LJ. Heck I am always typing it seems. I always have something to say.
I am having difficulty lately saying what I want to say. Things are different in my brain then how they come out of my mouth or through my fingertips. Maybe I should just take a break. I hate being away though. I hate not giving myself the outlet. I NEED this space of the world to be me.
Who I am. Wether anyone reads or comments is really of no consequence. I do this for me.
I say what I want because that is what I Am thinking. Sometimes I regret things I have said online. Just like life. Online you can take it and delete it. And if you are lucky people will forget you said it. Not so in real life. Where you speak to someone and they HEAR what you have said.
It is harder to forget what someone says to you if it hurts you or offends you. I am in a strange mood right now.
Our friend Richard helped us go get an entertainment center and bookshelf from my sisters friend Landon. He is leaving to go live in California. He decided he doesn't like it up here anymore I guess. Thats okay. I like Landon and I will miss him, but I think he will be better down there. It is brighter and sunnier more often then here and he needs that.
Hell I can't wait to leave Washington someday. Everyone who lives in sunnier brighter states keeps telling me to get out of Washington. Because it is so dark and dreary here for six months out of the year. Not to good for someone who is supposedly bi- polar. I am telling you I belive I have been misdiagnosed. Ever since I stopped taking medication, before I even started blogging. I have felt better then ever before. Not to say I haven't been depressed or gotten down a bit. I have. absolutely. But not to the point of considering suicide. Which I used to do about every other minute before. And even attempted at least three times that I can consciously remember.
Anyway. Thank you Rich-ard for coming so far out of your way to do that for us today. And thank you to Landon for being so generous as to give us a beautiful piece of furniture. It was deceptively light just as you said!
I hope you have a wonderful life in California.
Once more I would like to tell the world how much I love Billy.
He is an amazing and wonderful man. I am so glad that we are together.!!
I am thinking of deleting this blog. I don't know that I will. Its just a thought I'm kicking around.
I love to blog, I love to LJ. Heck I am always typing it seems. I always have something to say.
I am having difficulty lately saying what I want to say. Things are different in my brain then how they come out of my mouth or through my fingertips. Maybe I should just take a break. I hate being away though. I hate not giving myself the outlet. I NEED this space of the world to be me.
Who I am. Wether anyone reads or comments is really of no consequence. I do this for me.
I say what I want because that is what I Am thinking. Sometimes I regret things I have said online. Just like life. Online you can take it and delete it. And if you are lucky people will forget you said it. Not so in real life. Where you speak to someone and they HEAR what you have said.
It is harder to forget what someone says to you if it hurts you or offends you. I am in a strange mood right now.
Our friend Richard helped us go get an entertainment center and bookshelf from my sisters friend Landon. He is leaving to go live in California. He decided he doesn't like it up here anymore I guess. Thats okay. I like Landon and I will miss him, but I think he will be better down there. It is brighter and sunnier more often then here and he needs that.
Hell I can't wait to leave Washington someday. Everyone who lives in sunnier brighter states keeps telling me to get out of Washington. Because it is so dark and dreary here for six months out of the year. Not to good for someone who is supposedly bi- polar. I am telling you I belive I have been misdiagnosed. Ever since I stopped taking medication, before I even started blogging. I have felt better then ever before. Not to say I haven't been depressed or gotten down a bit. I have. absolutely. But not to the point of considering suicide. Which I used to do about every other minute before. And even attempted at least three times that I can consciously remember.
Anyway. Thank you Rich-ard for coming so far out of your way to do that for us today. And thank you to Landon for being so generous as to give us a beautiful piece of furniture. It was deceptively light just as you said!
I hope you have a wonderful life in California.
Once more I would like to tell the world how much I love Billy.
He is an amazing and wonderful man. I am so glad that we are together.!!
huh
I guess I must have alienated some people some how. SO few people are coming to my blog these days. It must have been the link to my other site. O well. If people don't like me for who I am they can just disapear then. Thankyou to those of you who are true friends and take me as I am as I do everyone. I love everyone.
In a strange mood. Just wish I could see some more familiar faces round here.
Miss everyone.
In a strange mood. Just wish I could see some more familiar faces round here.
Miss everyone.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Tired
Went out last night with Sharon and Jason. They were bummers and left early. Then when Billy and I got home they weren't even here they had driven back to Whidbey Island. Which was fine because we don't much care for Jason. He is a bummer.
No not MY Jason Sharons Jason. Although I think there is something with the name.
Because MY Jason has always been a downer too. Anyway. Billy and I had a great time at Happy Land. Ran into Jens Ex husband you got it his name is Jason. Although he is just mean he isn't really a downer. He can be without meds though. So, there where a lot of people from the past that showed up last night. Tonight we are going back down of course. Hoping to meet Richard and Clay down there tonight. Today we are going to MT. Vernon so Billy can mow his Grandparents yard for them. Which means I get to meet some of his family. I am excited and nervous. What if they don't like me?
Billy says they will love me like all of his friends so far love me. Some of them have even taken me aside and told me that they have never seen Billy so happy and relaxed and they don't know what it is about me or what I am doing but they are glad to see it. That makes me feel good. Especially when Billy tells me how much he loves me. No one has ever told me they love me more then someone else they have been with.
Its weird for me to feel so loved and so loving toward a man. After being single by choice for the last eight years. Don't get me wrong you all know I ain't been a nun!
But actually being in a relationship just hasn't appealed to me until now. And the short lived ones I had just weren't like this. I love Billy. Not in any heart wrenching way, but in an easy way. I feel happy and relaxed and slow and even and steady. I am having a hard time putting it into words. I think it might be my age.
Now at this point in my life I know if he leaves I will be just fine. I don't NEED him in my life I WANT him in my life.And to me that is a very important difference from the past when I felt like I NEEDED the man in my life. I don't rely on Billy for anything other then being here and being true to me. And that is easily solved if he isn't. Thats just packing bags and leaving them on the front porch!
And yes I would do that that easily. I will not ever be cheated on again. Or lied to. Or put down. I have some very definite deal breakers and if they are broken its over. PERIOD. There is no apologizing or giving it another chance. Sorry. Just don't fuck it up to begin with man. That may be harsh but that is the way it is. I am not into being hurt repeatedly. I don't know why but I trust Billy not to cheat on me.
I trust him not to break those deal breakers. He is different. This relationship is different. Billy is actually a strong enough real enough TRUE MAN. He can handle the Queen!!!
No not MY Jason Sharons Jason. Although I think there is something with the name.
Because MY Jason has always been a downer too. Anyway. Billy and I had a great time at Happy Land. Ran into Jens Ex husband you got it his name is Jason. Although he is just mean he isn't really a downer. He can be without meds though. So, there where a lot of people from the past that showed up last night. Tonight we are going back down of course. Hoping to meet Richard and Clay down there tonight. Today we are going to MT. Vernon so Billy can mow his Grandparents yard for them. Which means I get to meet some of his family. I am excited and nervous. What if they don't like me?
Billy says they will love me like all of his friends so far love me. Some of them have even taken me aside and told me that they have never seen Billy so happy and relaxed and they don't know what it is about me or what I am doing but they are glad to see it. That makes me feel good. Especially when Billy tells me how much he loves me. No one has ever told me they love me more then someone else they have been with.
Its weird for me to feel so loved and so loving toward a man. After being single by choice for the last eight years. Don't get me wrong you all know I ain't been a nun!
But actually being in a relationship just hasn't appealed to me until now. And the short lived ones I had just weren't like this. I love Billy. Not in any heart wrenching way, but in an easy way. I feel happy and relaxed and slow and even and steady. I am having a hard time putting it into words. I think it might be my age.
Now at this point in my life I know if he leaves I will be just fine. I don't NEED him in my life I WANT him in my life.And to me that is a very important difference from the past when I felt like I NEEDED the man in my life. I don't rely on Billy for anything other then being here and being true to me. And that is easily solved if he isn't. Thats just packing bags and leaving them on the front porch!
And yes I would do that that easily. I will not ever be cheated on again. Or lied to. Or put down. I have some very definite deal breakers and if they are broken its over. PERIOD. There is no apologizing or giving it another chance. Sorry. Just don't fuck it up to begin with man. That may be harsh but that is the way it is. I am not into being hurt repeatedly. I don't know why but I trust Billy not to cheat on me.
I trust him not to break those deal breakers. He is different. This relationship is different. Billy is actually a strong enough real enough TRUE MAN. He can handle the Queen!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
A list of chores
This is what I did yesterday and am hurting for today....
1) I got out of bed
2) I had the kitchen clean before I even woke Billy up.
3) I had the dining room and living room picked up before he even went to work.
4) Scrubbed both bathrooms from top to bottom
5) SCrubbed all floors including the entry hallway.
6) Swept all the carpet ( every room) (( my vaccuum went tits up))
7) Steam cleaned all the carpets
8) steam cleaned the kitchen chairs
9) Did 6 loads of laundry
10 rearranged and cleaned and reorganized my bedroom.( this is why I am hurting I moved my king size bed around all by my lonesome cuz I couldn't stand where it was)
11) Put Moo and Jens stuff in the living room and hallway. ( they need to come get their crap I am not a storage unit!)
12) Replaced light bulbs
13) washed and put curtains back up
14) Unloaded the dishwasher
15) walked the dogs twice
16) posted
17) sang
18) rearranged my desk and cleaned ( dusted the computer)and stereo)
19) smoked at least five cigarettes. *yes I started smoking again and no I don't want to hear about it!!!!*
20) thought about washing the windows but took a shower instead
21) ate something finally
22) talked to Billy
23) thought about going through the books but fell asleep instead
24) went out to Happy Land and had a great time.
25) Flipped Kenny shit
26) Was told by at least 5 people how much Billy loves me, and then he told me how much he loves me. He bought me a rose with a valentine teddy bear attached its cute and it says To Denise From Billy I love you!
There is more to the story but I will tell it when I am sure of what it all means..
TOday
I just got up and took a shower just now
my back hurts really really fucking bad and I need drugs but have no medical.
I hurted my bad ass self moving that stupid fucking bed. I have no patience. That'll learn me.
On ward and forward I think I will take some tylenol and go back to bed.
I hope you are all doing well!!!
1) I got out of bed
2) I had the kitchen clean before I even woke Billy up.
3) I had the dining room and living room picked up before he even went to work.
4) Scrubbed both bathrooms from top to bottom
5) SCrubbed all floors including the entry hallway.
6) Swept all the carpet ( every room) (( my vaccuum went tits up))
7) Steam cleaned all the carpets
8) steam cleaned the kitchen chairs
9) Did 6 loads of laundry
10 rearranged and cleaned and reorganized my bedroom.( this is why I am hurting I moved my king size bed around all by my lonesome cuz I couldn't stand where it was)
11) Put Moo and Jens stuff in the living room and hallway. ( they need to come get their crap I am not a storage unit!)
12) Replaced light bulbs
13) washed and put curtains back up
14) Unloaded the dishwasher
15) walked the dogs twice
16) posted
17) sang
18) rearranged my desk and cleaned ( dusted the computer)and stereo)
19) smoked at least five cigarettes. *yes I started smoking again and no I don't want to hear about it!!!!*
20) thought about washing the windows but took a shower instead
21) ate something finally
22) talked to Billy
23) thought about going through the books but fell asleep instead
24) went out to Happy Land and had a great time.
25) Flipped Kenny shit
26) Was told by at least 5 people how much Billy loves me, and then he told me how much he loves me. He bought me a rose with a valentine teddy bear attached its cute and it says To Denise From Billy I love you!
There is more to the story but I will tell it when I am sure of what it all means..
TOday
I just got up and took a shower just now
my back hurts really really fucking bad and I need drugs but have no medical.
I hurted my bad ass self moving that stupid fucking bed. I have no patience. That'll learn me.
On ward and forward I think I will take some tylenol and go back to bed.
I hope you are all doing well!!!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Hmmm
I am guessing that the cable guys will be out tomarrow sometime to pull the cable and internet connection. I am not sure why they didn't come today???
Had an interesting day though. Billy took the day off because he had two things he had to take care of himself. And I had an appointment with the government. Yes thats right I applied to be a goeverment cheese bitch today. They are going to help me apply for SSI. When I started talking to the lady about all the stuff wrong with me ( hey she asked) She looked at me and asked me how I manage to function on a daily basis without being heavily medicated in a wheel chair. I looked at her and said I have no choice. I am a mom, I have to do things. She told me she wanted me to apply for SSI. I said okay. It takes a load of worry off my mind. I also applied for an emergency grant to pay my rent as I have a three day pay or vacate and no income at the moment. My workers comp is done and Jen and mom both moved out. I don't know what I would do if Billy was'nt here being so supportive and wonderful. Things are going well so far.
We are learning eachother, and the buttons we have. He doesn't like cold hands and I must have his full attention when I am talking. That goes for EVERYONE though. I do not like it when people try to multi task when I am speaking to them. Derek can tell you that from many experiences of me smacking him upside the head with an attitude two by four!!!
Billy is learning this too. All though I toned down the attitude with him. I did call him an asshole though it was playfully said. We get along just fine and laugh often. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its funny when we sleep. We start off all snuggly and stuff and then as we are falling asleep we move AWAY from eachother. We both need space to sleep, but we come together in the middle of the night and move away again. We seem to have a tide....
Anyway, I am hoping all goes well with getting the emergency grant. I have no other way of paying the rent. Whatever grant they give me will not be enough to pay it. Soooo anywhooooo
I am bored and tired and so I am going to stop typing now.
Had an interesting day though. Billy took the day off because he had two things he had to take care of himself. And I had an appointment with the government. Yes thats right I applied to be a goeverment cheese bitch today. They are going to help me apply for SSI. When I started talking to the lady about all the stuff wrong with me ( hey she asked) She looked at me and asked me how I manage to function on a daily basis without being heavily medicated in a wheel chair. I looked at her and said I have no choice. I am a mom, I have to do things. She told me she wanted me to apply for SSI. I said okay. It takes a load of worry off my mind. I also applied for an emergency grant to pay my rent as I have a three day pay or vacate and no income at the moment. My workers comp is done and Jen and mom both moved out. I don't know what I would do if Billy was'nt here being so supportive and wonderful. Things are going well so far.
We are learning eachother, and the buttons we have. He doesn't like cold hands and I must have his full attention when I am talking. That goes for EVERYONE though. I do not like it when people try to multi task when I am speaking to them. Derek can tell you that from many experiences of me smacking him upside the head with an attitude two by four!!!
Billy is learning this too. All though I toned down the attitude with him. I did call him an asshole though it was playfully said. We get along just fine and laugh often. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its funny when we sleep. We start off all snuggly and stuff and then as we are falling asleep we move AWAY from eachother. We both need space to sleep, but we come together in the middle of the night and move away again. We seem to have a tide....
Anyway, I am hoping all goes well with getting the emergency grant. I have no other way of paying the rent. Whatever grant they give me will not be enough to pay it. Soooo anywhooooo
I am bored and tired and so I am going to stop typing now.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Going off line
Will be offline until Valentines Day. Jen called and had the cable shut off, instead of giving us the opportunity to just switch it over to us, she just called and had it disonnected. So I called and got it turned back on but it will take a week before they come to hook it up again. So I will miss you all until then. Please read the following post also. Rebekah needs prayers today.
PRAYERS
Please pray for Rebekah today. Its a big day for her and her family. They are doing testing today.
Please pray that all tests show that Rebekah is cancer free.
You can visit Rebekah by clicking this link= REBEKAH
Please stop in and express your good wishes and prayers for a precious and beautiful little girl.
Please pray that all tests show that Rebekah is cancer free.
You can visit Rebekah by clicking this link= REBEKAH
Please stop in and express your good wishes and prayers for a precious and beautiful little girl.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Well well well
Okay well Seahawks lost the game. This means that I have to kiss Ed's butt in front of everyone at Happy Land this weekend. Yes I made a bet and I am going to stick to it. I gotta pucker up to pay up. I literally have to kiss my friends ass! I told him, I am gonna smack it, kiss it, then smack it again!
Hey if I gotta kiss some body's ass. I am gonna at least make it fun for me too!!! Ed said he would enjoy that and his wife thinks this is the funniest and funest bet she has ever witnessed being paid up. So sometime this weekend I will be laying my lips on a mans behind. The clincher. I have never met Ed or his wife. Ed is an online friend who will be coming to my area just especially to get this bet paid to him!!!!
Sheesh. I can't even get out of it by saying he is too far away:)
That will teach me to make bets.....
Hey if I gotta kiss some body's ass. I am gonna at least make it fun for me too!!! Ed said he would enjoy that and his wife thinks this is the funniest and funest bet she has ever witnessed being paid up. So sometime this weekend I will be laying my lips on a mans behind. The clincher. I have never met Ed or his wife. Ed is an online friend who will be coming to my area just especially to get this bet paid to him!!!!
Sheesh. I can't even get out of it by saying he is too far away:)
That will teach me to make bets.....
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Well I just don't know what to do.
The doubts are setting in now. I think I feel more for Billy then he feels for me.
I think he might just be here because of what I can offer to him and not because he likes me in particular. Not that I have much to give. Just a lot of love, food, and a roof over his head.
He is affectionate though. Just not.....I don't know how to explain it. I am a bit confused.
I feel that I want him to be here more then he wants to be.
Does that make sense the way I put that?
Maybe it is just me. My back hurts and pain always gets me down.
L & I is done and over with and I have to see about being on welfare again. I don't like this.
I have been unable to get a job for one reason or another. I am still disapointed by the last one that didn't work out. My bladder betrayed me! And the other lady still hasn't called me back. I did call her and she said she hadn't gotten my state patrol check back yet. Well The Herald got mine back right away so I think that was just an excuse to put me off. I am beginning to wonder if people aren't hiring me because I was on L & I for so long. I know it bothers some of them. Because they have asked about it in depth. I really don't feel like I can carry a job right now.
My fibromyalgia is acting up along with degenerative disc disease and the arthritis in my hips.
In other words I am not a human being right now. I am nothing but pain and inflamation and that is getting me down. I hate pain. It is just so damn annoying. And I start to think weird.
Like with Billy. We did are thing last night. I didn't ...climax and I know it was because I am hurting but he didn't seem to care. And that bothered me. Was he just doing it for his pleasure and not conscerned with mine? He cared though when I rolled over. He asked me what was wrong and snuggled up to me. I just told him that my back hurt and he rubbed my back. But I still felt disapointed in him for not caring that I didn't derive as much pleasure as he did from our activities. I really bothers me. Its like we do that when he wants to and not when I want to. Although I know that isn't true either. Not all the time anyway. And it has only been a week that we have been together. I mean, I know I am being ridiculous and I know its because of pain. And if I had a uterus I believe I would be riding the cotton pony right now. Its just that. Well. HE DIDN"T CARE. He just got off and got off. Ten minutes tops. I understand sometimes men just do that. They can't help it or what ever. They just go off. And we have done it alot except for the day before we didn't. So I guess I just want to know if I am being ridiculous. Is this behavior a precursor to the future. Is it always going to be like this. I am over analyzing and reacting but it just seems to me that he should have cared how and what I was feeling. Especially since this is the start of our relationship and he should still be in the " let me impress you stage." On the other hand I appreciate the fact that he is being who he is and I am being who I am and that is how we are. There is a great comfort level there. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way.
No sex is not the most important part of a relationship and I will be the first to say it. BUT. ( Who knew that was coming!?) It is important for me to feel loved and to feel important and to feel wanted and desired and I need to feel that HE cares that I enjoy it as much as he does. I make sure he is having a good time, I expect the same back. I do my best to ensure that he knows he is important and loved and wanted and desired. I expect the same in return.
I know I need to talk to Billy about this, but suddenly I don't know if it is even worth it to do so.
Which again is a result of feeling yucky because of pain. And I don't want to make him feel bad.
I just can't continue feeling bad myself though. That will not work. PERIOD. So tonight I am gonna have to figure out how to tell Mr. Billy how I feel with out hurting his feelings or making him feel insulted. And it really isn't him. It is me. It is how I am perseiving things. I soooo did not spell that right! Too tired. couldn't sleep all night thinking about this stuff.
I think he might just be here because of what I can offer to him and not because he likes me in particular. Not that I have much to give. Just a lot of love, food, and a roof over his head.
He is affectionate though. Just not.....I don't know how to explain it. I am a bit confused.
I feel that I want him to be here more then he wants to be.
Does that make sense the way I put that?
Maybe it is just me. My back hurts and pain always gets me down.
L & I is done and over with and I have to see about being on welfare again. I don't like this.
I have been unable to get a job for one reason or another. I am still disapointed by the last one that didn't work out. My bladder betrayed me! And the other lady still hasn't called me back. I did call her and she said she hadn't gotten my state patrol check back yet. Well The Herald got mine back right away so I think that was just an excuse to put me off. I am beginning to wonder if people aren't hiring me because I was on L & I for so long. I know it bothers some of them. Because they have asked about it in depth. I really don't feel like I can carry a job right now.
My fibromyalgia is acting up along with degenerative disc disease and the arthritis in my hips.
In other words I am not a human being right now. I am nothing but pain and inflamation and that is getting me down. I hate pain. It is just so damn annoying. And I start to think weird.
Like with Billy. We did are thing last night. I didn't ...climax and I know it was because I am hurting but he didn't seem to care. And that bothered me. Was he just doing it for his pleasure and not conscerned with mine? He cared though when I rolled over. He asked me what was wrong and snuggled up to me. I just told him that my back hurt and he rubbed my back. But I still felt disapointed in him for not caring that I didn't derive as much pleasure as he did from our activities. I really bothers me. Its like we do that when he wants to and not when I want to. Although I know that isn't true either. Not all the time anyway. And it has only been a week that we have been together. I mean, I know I am being ridiculous and I know its because of pain. And if I had a uterus I believe I would be riding the cotton pony right now. Its just that. Well. HE DIDN"T CARE. He just got off and got off. Ten minutes tops. I understand sometimes men just do that. They can't help it or what ever. They just go off. And we have done it alot except for the day before we didn't. So I guess I just want to know if I am being ridiculous. Is this behavior a precursor to the future. Is it always going to be like this. I am over analyzing and reacting but it just seems to me that he should have cared how and what I was feeling. Especially since this is the start of our relationship and he should still be in the " let me impress you stage." On the other hand I appreciate the fact that he is being who he is and I am being who I am and that is how we are. There is a great comfort level there. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way.
No sex is not the most important part of a relationship and I will be the first to say it. BUT. ( Who knew that was coming!?) It is important for me to feel loved and to feel important and to feel wanted and desired and I need to feel that HE cares that I enjoy it as much as he does. I make sure he is having a good time, I expect the same back. I do my best to ensure that he knows he is important and loved and wanted and desired. I expect the same in return.
I know I need to talk to Billy about this, but suddenly I don't know if it is even worth it to do so.
Which again is a result of feeling yucky because of pain. And I don't want to make him feel bad.
I just can't continue feeling bad myself though. That will not work. PERIOD. So tonight I am gonna have to figure out how to tell Mr. Billy how I feel with out hurting his feelings or making him feel insulted. And it really isn't him. It is me. It is how I am perseiving things. I soooo did not spell that right! Too tired. couldn't sleep all night thinking about this stuff.