Friday, February 17, 2006

The Past

A comment from David (txoceanlover) Has inspired me to to tell you all how signifigant my relationship with Billy really is.
I will start in the beginning.
1987* I was at the mall with my boyfriend Robert and his sister April, we needed someone to buy us cigarettes because we were not old enough.
Two guys walked by and I called out to them, one of them (John) said no problem, he went in and got us cigs, and we chatted for a few minutes. Those were the good ol days when you could smoke inside the mall!
*somehow I knew I was gonna see him again* a few days later he showed up at my school looking for my friend Cherri (sherry). He found me and we talked for quite a while and hung out. The next day he came back and things progressed from there, we became really good friends. Robert broke up with me a year later but John was in Oregon and I didn't know it. Then another friend of mine got a letter from him. I got the address and wrote him a letter. Two years later I went down and got him in Springfield Oregon. In 1990 I became his wife, the night we were married I conceived Amanda. Two months after Amanda was born he began beating the crap out of me. I believe he was on drugs at this point.
He broke my sternum. After a year of going back and forth and beating the fuck out him myself with the unasked for assistance of two of his friend who happend to arrive, I left him. I was single for almost two years.
In 91 I ahd met Jason at my friend Veronica's house, Amanda was just a tiny baby and I had been allowed out of the house only because John didn't want anyone to know what he was doing and he knew that Roni and I went way back.
Jason was with my friend Sally off and on. Anyway he was a punk ass mother fucker and I didn't like him, but I told Veronica, " I don't like that guy veggie, but some how I know I am going to marry him and have two little girls with him."
That is what happend. Although backwards! In 1994 we had Sierra, and 1996 we had Lynndsey, we didn't get married until November 9th 1997.
In October 98 he left and went to Sally for a good time. That was trully the end.
In all the time that we had been together he had gone to Sally countless times.
When I was in the hospital nearly dying, 7 months pregnant with Sierra, with a hot gall bladder, he was elsewhere sleeping with his friends sister.
When we would argue he would walk out the door and not come back, one time I didn't see him for 4 months. He slept with men and women whenever the urge struck him. When I was in the hospital giving birth to Lynn he stayed at work. He came by for ten minutes to see her and gave me a kiss and then went and fucked his best friend Greg. Yeah I know.
I can't tell you how many times I was tested in the time that I was with Jason.
For many years after we split he would come around and I couldn't resist him.
In 2001 he was supposed to come and help me out after my hysterectomy. He was to busy fucking my friend Sharon. I went through that alone, recovered from that alone. My parents came back from Arizona and stayed longer to try to help me out by taking the kids. My dad would send Sierra over with sandwhiches so that I would eat.
In 2002 He kidnapped my kids from school with the assistance of child protective services, he went to them and said I was a danger to them and him.
He had been living with me for three months.
In 2004 he lived with me for six months. Yes even after taking my kids and keeping them from me for a month I let him back in my house.
I have custody of my kids in Washington and Oregon because of him.
And cps won't fuck with me either. They know better now. I will win and prove them wrong!
He accused me of doing drugs, I proved through voluntary blood test taken randomly through my doctor that I was not on drugs.
I know.
If anyone needs legal advise on how to get divorced or get custody of your kids let me know. I can help. I was told by every person I delt with in the courst including five lawyers and four judges that I should do this for a living.
September 9th 2004 I divorced him. Done deal. In all that time I had a few flings and a few one night stands. I wouldn't let anyone in. I think I would have let Derek in, but really he was just my very best friend in the entire world.
In late November I met Billy. I like him on sight. I didn't say anything to anybody. In fact tossed the idea around of hooking him up with my mom!
Boo hiss to that!!
I didn't want to really admit to myself how I was feeling about Billy. It was scary! So I told myself to hook up with his brother ( not blood brothers) Clay.
I even told Jen I knew I was gonna hook up with him. Which I did.
But then went right to Billy. I felt terrible. As you all know from previous posts.
Billy is so sweet, it doesn't matter to him. As far as I am concerned he is a better man then most I have ever known. Billy is sweet and loyal, and wonderful.
I wish I had met him a long long long time ago. I did actually, but I knew it wasn't the right time. For either of us. But I knew. I knew when I saw him.
I never said a damn word to anyone. NO ONE. But I knew.
I knew it then and I REALLY know it now. He is the one Aiuni ment for me, and I am the one meant for him. I haven't let anyone on earth "in" the way I have let him in. Until now Derek was the closest. Derek and I know eachother almost better then we know ourselves. That was a naturally accuring phenomenon though. With Billy it is just easy to let him know me. To tell him anything, to ask him anything, being with him is as comfortable as being alone with myself. I enjoy his company more then any other person on earth. I love being with him.
I love talking to him. I love him period. This is just something that does not happen in a persons life all the time. This is rare, and special, and precious.
I wish this for everyone.
Things have not been easy for me in my life or in my loves.
I haven't told half of what I have gone through. No one really knows. I keep some things to myself. Not anymore. Be prepared. I will be writing about it now.
It is time to let go of the past. It is time to let it out.
I am ready now, as I am ready to love again and be loved.
I am ready to really let myself live my life.
I am changing and I like the changes. It is a good thing.
Billy is a wondeful person and I am trully lucky to have him in my life.

No comments: