Thursday, February 02, 2006

Well I just don't know what to do.

The doubts are setting in now. I think I feel more for Billy then he feels for me.
I think he might just be here because of what I can offer to him and not because he likes me in particular. Not that I have much to give. Just a lot of love, food, and a roof over his head.
He is affectionate though. Just not.....I don't know how to explain it. I am a bit confused.
I feel that I want him to be here more then he wants to be.
Does that make sense the way I put that?
Maybe it is just me. My back hurts and pain always gets me down.
L & I is done and over with and I have to see about being on welfare again. I don't like this.
I have been unable to get a job for one reason or another. I am still disapointed by the last one that didn't work out. My bladder betrayed me! And the other lady still hasn't called me back. I did call her and she said she hadn't gotten my state patrol check back yet. Well The Herald got mine back right away so I think that was just an excuse to put me off. I am beginning to wonder if people aren't hiring me because I was on L & I for so long. I know it bothers some of them. Because they have asked about it in depth. I really don't feel like I can carry a job right now.
My fibromyalgia is acting up along with degenerative disc disease and the arthritis in my hips.
In other words I am not a human being right now. I am nothing but pain and inflamation and that is getting me down. I hate pain. It is just so damn annoying. And I start to think weird.
Like with Billy. We did are thing last night. I didn't ...climax and I know it was because I am hurting but he didn't seem to care. And that bothered me. Was he just doing it for his pleasure and not conscerned with mine? He cared though when I rolled over. He asked me what was wrong and snuggled up to me. I just told him that my back hurt and he rubbed my back. But I still felt disapointed in him for not caring that I didn't derive as much pleasure as he did from our activities. I really bothers me. Its like we do that when he wants to and not when I want to. Although I know that isn't true either. Not all the time anyway. And it has only been a week that we have been together. I mean, I know I am being ridiculous and I know its because of pain. And if I had a uterus I believe I would be riding the cotton pony right now. Its just that. Well. HE DIDN"T CARE. He just got off and got off. Ten minutes tops. I understand sometimes men just do that. They can't help it or what ever. They just go off. And we have done it alot except for the day before we didn't. So I guess I just want to know if I am being ridiculous. Is this behavior a precursor to the future. Is it always going to be like this. I am over analyzing and reacting but it just seems to me that he should have cared how and what I was feeling. Especially since this is the start of our relationship and he should still be in the " let me impress you stage." On the other hand I appreciate the fact that he is being who he is and I am being who I am and that is how we are. There is a great comfort level there. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way.
No sex is not the most important part of a relationship and I will be the first to say it. BUT. ( Who knew that was coming!?) It is important for me to feel loved and to feel important and to feel wanted and desired and I need to feel that HE cares that I enjoy it as much as he does. I make sure he is having a good time, I expect the same back. I do my best to ensure that he knows he is important and loved and wanted and desired. I expect the same in return.
I know I need to talk to Billy about this, but suddenly I don't know if it is even worth it to do so.
Which again is a result of feeling yucky because of pain. And I don't want to make him feel bad.
I just can't continue feeling bad myself though. That will not work. PERIOD. So tonight I am gonna have to figure out how to tell Mr. Billy how I feel with out hurting his feelings or making him feel insulted. And it really isn't him. It is me. It is how I am perseiving things. I soooo did not spell that right! Too tired. couldn't sleep all night thinking about this stuff.

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