When I open the door to my past, I see a tornando of garbage and bad dreams.
I see in the back some stuff that has been put in boxes and bags on a shelf, organized into good memories. You know the stuff worth hanging onto and remembering.
Its the clutter hanging around the bottom of the closet that needs to be cleared, the stuff clinging to the door way to my mind like poisionous cobwebs. Well today I've got my witches broom set to CLEAN and I am ready for action.
The first thing I need to be rid of is anger. Anger at my mom for the way she told me I was adopted. Anger at my parents for always treating me like I was second or third or tenth on their list of those they loved. Anger at myself for allowing me to always feel that my sister Vicki was better then me, anger at Vicki for always being so damn perfect. It was like she could never do anything wrong in my parents eyes, even though she absolutely did!
Anger at other people for not speaking up about what they saw until it was way to late.
When a child is not yet three years old and they ask how there baby sister or brother got in the mommys tummy that is a normal question. When they ask how they got in there mommys tummy the normal response would be the same as the first. Not so for me. I was told I was in some other ladies tummy. That was it. End of conversation. Immediatley there was a billion questions running through my mind. What was wrong with me? Where was this other lady?
Mommy said she was the babys mommy, is she mine? the confusion was horrendous.
I grew up from that moment on feeling like a stranger in the home that was supposed to be my own. I felt like a stranger amongst the family that was supposed to be mine.
My friends can tell you. I am a much different person when my " family" isn't around.
I am someone my " family " wouldn't recognize. Someone they would probably not like because of who they are. I love them do not mistake me on this. I love my mom and dad and sister and brothers. I love them with all my heart. I am not one of them. I never have been and I never will be. My father has said it himself. If he didn't know me he wouldn't want to.
He doesn't like me, He wishes I had never been born, that he never adopted me, that he didn't know me at all. Has he ever taken those words back? NO. Will he? No.
Does he love me. Sure. In his own way he loves me very much.
My mom has hit me, she gets drunk and she starts these horrible fights, its terrible, I actually hit her back once. Do I feel bad about it? Hell no. She was going after Lynn and Hannah.
She will denie this to no end. But I had the marks on my cheeck from defending two small children and myself and the police have the report because she wouldn't leave my house.
These are all things I need to let go of. Give them to Aiuni to do with these memories and the guilt and anger as Aiuni wishes. I want to forgive these things, I want to let them go and think of them no more. Keep the lessons and get rid of the rest.
I don't want to think of these things ever time I hear their voices or see their faces.
There is so much more but I cannot do it all at once. Start with the poison cobwebs and work may way through to the rest.
Aiuni take these things from me today and release them for me. I have not the strength to do it myself, to watch them float away on the winds to the stars.