Thursday, October 20, 2005


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I have done so much of this, my lips hurt.
I am tired of kissing kissing and kissing frogs and never ever finding a prince or even a nice pauper for that matter.
One of these days I know the man of my dreams will pull his head out of his ass and find me. Or maybe I will pull my head out of my ass and find him;)
Either way one of us needs to do the finding soon. I am scared to death of being in a relationship again. And I have said over the past few years that I was ready kinda.
And I still feel that way. But I was thinking about it and I don't think I have ever met anyone ever that was "ready". We are all very unready in a lot of ways.
Love takes us by suprise, it shocks us, and it takes over our lives not just our hearts. For me I think it is the taking over my life part that scares me the most.
I have given myself plenty of time for me. Plenty of time for my kids, plenty of love has been given to me by me. I have gotten to know who I am and what I am about. What I believe in and what I don't. I am ready to share that knowledge with someone who loves me and wants to know those things. I am ready to learn those things about someone I love. I am ready for holding and snuggling and kissing and confiding. I am not ready for living with and answering to. I am ready to go out and have a good time with someone. I am not ready to spend every waking moment thinking of how someone else is going to react to what I might be doing at any given moment. I am not ready to have someone ask me where the hell I have been because I am a few minutes later then they expected. I want to be loved and cherished. I do not want to be lorded over or mistaken for a doormat. I won't tolerate being treated like that. I will not tolerate someone wanting me to change for them. I won't, I am me, if you love me you love my faults and quirks too. Period. One of those is that I won't be bossed around and I will not be walking on egg shells. That is a skill not a quirk or a fault by the way. I miss having someone to hold on to at night. Hell I miss pushing someone away because they want to make love to me as I am making dinner.
What is it with men and that anyway?????? That makes me miss Jason...... god I hate him.Okay, I don't hate him, I hate the way he makes me feel, I hate that I miss him even though things went so very wrong. I hate that at one point he was my best friend and at another he was absolutely the enemy. I hate that I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, and now I don't even know where he is. This is an entire different post though.
Anyway, I am ready and I am not ready. I will never be ready to deal with certain things that are sure to come up. I have come to understand though that I will not be ready ever. So if I want someone to be in love with and be loved back, If I want someone to hold onto at night and someone to talk to about anything and everything. I need to just go out and find it.
I have a first meeting Sunday night at five. I am scared to death.
Will someone hold my hand and tell me it will be okay?

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