hola bitcholas

Well its almost Christmas and my sister Vicki just had a baby girl. I am so happy for her. Turns out the last time I posted I was right. She had her baby last tuesday so the little pudger is a week old today. I haven't seen her yet. I hope I get pictures soon. I would really love to hold her. But with all the turmoil in our family I just don't think that is going to happen any time soon. I miss Vicki and I wish her and Brian the best. I hope they are really enjoying there new little one. Its not easy when the baby is new and your a first time parent. I remember when Amanda was born. How hard it was to leave her alone long enough to even take a shower. I couldn't do it! And when Joan came over to take care of her and help with some stuff and I took a shower it was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life because I had flashes of joan putting Pan in a blender. It was horrifying!
I hope things go easier for Vicki and Brian as they embark on this new awesome and amazing journey. And I hope they make better choices then I did. I know Vicki doesn't want my advice on anything. Because that entire side of my family thinks I am a terrible parent. But the thing is is that I have been there. I have made mistakes just as all parents do. And I would like to prevent them from making the mistakes I made so they can make their own as they surely will because no one is perfect. Maybe if she reads this she will accept the fact that I know what I am talking about and will be willing to email me back instead of ignoring my emails. Well she is also hella busy now too and I know that. I love ya Vicster and I hope to hear from you soon. Maybe the next time I call you will answer the phone???

just spewing words

Well I took Sierra back to her dads temporarily.
I will have all three girls with me this summer. And I will be in a place by May or June. YAY housing!!\
My sister Tannis is getting married New Years eve to my great friend Dave. I can't believe it I am so happy for both of them. My sister Vicki is either having or has already had her baby girl. I haven't heard anything yet.
I got to have both Sierra and Amanda with me for Thanksgiving so that RAWKED.
I wish Lynn could have been there too. Maybe next year eh..
Pan is doing awesome in Jobchore. I am so very proud of her.
Gotta make this quick as I need to get back to work,\
More later!

You can help!

Please go to the following url and light and virtual candle for homless youth.

It will give you warm fuzzies!

http://candlelight.covenanthouse.org/candles/1440/deniseyocom

I swear it will make you feel really good. You can help!
Ya YOU.

Thank You

Lady Raevyn


ps. while you are at it check out care2.com and join today.
Its a really cool sight where you can click to donate to charities such as breast cancer research and saving the environment. And you can sign petitions for such things as saving the whales, wolves. wild horses, seals, pitbulls, the list goes on and on. There are also health care petitions. and many others.
I am known as Dakotabo on care2.com. Come join and add yourself to my friends list!

Sierra

Well that was a fun trip! We went and got Sierra over the weekend. I got us way out of the way going over White pass on the way home. Katie screamed at me for quite a long time then decided she wanted to drive and proceeded to scare the shit out of all of us. Then she had Nikki drive for a bit but Maddy woke up and Nikki is breast feeding so I drove us home from Tacoma. Made it from there to Anacortes is less then an hour. Ya I was speeding. Anyway. Sierra started school yesterday and so far likes her teachers. I hope that will continue. She will surely have homework tonight. She misses her sister. She told me last night that she wished she had chosen to stay home. But I remember what the girls went through when they first got to Jasons. And Sierra knows she is here for the rest of the school year. Jason and I told her she needed to make the final decision..but then she got into big big trouble and through discusion it was decided that she would come try it with me. That means til school is out. Because we can't do the back and forth thing all the time. If she decides at the end of the year to go ahead and go back to Dads I will be surprised. I know she misses her sister but I can really see her doing very well here in Anacortes.
Its a very art dominated city. And she is an awesome artist. The people here are really nice and so are their kids for the most part. She already made some friends yesterday..Go Sierra!! Okay my fingers are getting stiff so I close with this. I am really glad that my daughter is here. And I pray that she finds happiness either with me or with her dad.

Good Lord, back at Katies again

Okay, well I am back at Katies. Dre kept two promises of all the promises he made. But they were two damn good ones. First one: He bought me a car. A 1984 Caprice Classic, which he is now jealous over. And the second was he gave me a phone. Its a better prepaid deal then the one I had. So thats cool. Anyway. I am back at Katies. Because Sharon is a bitch and she is never going to stop being one and I should have just kicked her ass a damn long time ago. Period! Long story short. She introduced me to Dre. to try to control him by holding me over his head. This drove a wedge between Dre and I. I didn't like it being held over my head either. And the guilt trips Sheesh. No more of the crap. I don't need to pack my bags for any more trips of any kind. Sharons are all bullshit anyway. She just needs to be made to leave the area. Ontop of it all when she didn't get her way because Dre and I split up but remained friends. She made it impossible for me to stay at the house. See she didn't want me there, because she wants to set Dre up with another friend so she can have something over his head again. She doesn't know that Dre is on to her and doesn't want to meet any of her friends.. Sound like a soap opera yet. Wait. It gets better. Since I was still living with Dre, and her and Jason. Jason is her on again off again boyfriend who is also Dres best friend, we all lived together. Anywho, Sharon decided to start a fight with me. I told her off. Gave her what for. Well I left for awhile to cool off. While I was gone she called Jason at work and freeked out on him telling him he needed to come home and handle this shit because she wasn't going to put up with me threating her. WHAT!? Okay so unbeknownst to me this is going on. I get back to the house. Take a shower and decide to ask Sharon why the hell she brought me out here to meet Dre if she was just going to decide to be a bitch and turn on me.
We started to talk. Jason came home from work. He said Dre said for Sharon to go ahead and call the cops if thats what she wanted to do. He couldn't stop her. And for me to leave the keys to the car and his room on the counter when I go. Yeah right!
Can you say FUCK OFF. I can. I did.
I did however leave. I packed up the little bit of stuff I had left over there, and moved the hell out.
Katie drove me over a little later to get some more of the stuff I forgot. Like my t.v. that I let Sharon borrow. WOW she was pissed..Ohhh doggie. Tough shit bitch. You shouldn't have started all the Jerry Springer bullshit drama..so I am still in Anacortes, and I will be going to get my daughter Sierra in just a week and three days. I am so excited!!!
Damn library. Got to go. Time is up.

Quick Update

Okay well I am at the Library again. Still in Anacortes but Dre and I have decided to just be friends. I have been talking to my ex~husband Jason about a possible reunion. We are speaking seriously of getting back together and seeing what happens. I have faced the fact that I am still in love with him. That truth be told I never fell out of love with him. I miss him deeply and he misses me. I don't know what will happen. I just know I am looking forward to finding out where things can go. I have never gotten over him. I never will. I think about him every single day many times a day. I really am hoping that I will be moving to Oregon soon.
And no its not just because Sierra and Lynn are there. Friends have asked me that. Not that I don't miss my babies. Because I surely do. Its just that I happen to miss their father too. He has been a very large part of my life. I have tried to move on. And it just doesn't work. No one compares to him. And no one ever will.
More later..................

Uhtohhh I'mmmm ba ack!

Well here I am again. Guess I didn't want to stay away for ever. I think I just needed a good long break. You know how when you do something for a really long time it suddenly becomes tedious and you just don't want to deal with it anymore. Thats how I was feeling. And to top it off ex family reading the blog didn't help. ( not you Vickianntoria)
Alot has happend since I stopped blogging. I am now in Anancortes again,and have met someone very special. His name is Andre. He was born on the Island of Antigua in the Carribean and he lived there until he was 11 then his mother took him and his sister and brother to New York. Where he grew up and lived until about two years ago. I met him a little over a month ago and it was love. The first time I heard his voice over the phone I fell in love with him. A good friend introduced us for reasons of her own. Which have not worked out the way she intended. Good for us, not so for her. Well its not bad for her either but I do think she regrets that she didn't get what she wanted out of it. Too bad. Well anyway. Amanda is in jobchore and as from what I am told she really likes it so far. I think the first night away from everyone was pretty hard for her. I am so very proud of her for going in the right direction. Sierra and Lynndsey are living with their dad again in Oregon. One more school year to get through without the girls, and at the moment its killing me. I have been crying for the past three days. Everytime I look at their pictures I just ache inside to hold them and kiss them and make their breakfast. I miss all the big and little things about taking care of them and having them with me all the time. I did get to see Sierra and Lynndsey this summer. But not long enough. There is never enough time when you know they can't stay. My little sister Vicki is pregnant. At last!!! WOO HOO!!
I am so thrilled and excited for her and her husband Brian. I really miss her too. We haven't talked recently. I love her and miss her but I don't want her to have to deal with her parents giving her shit for talking to me. I know she loves me too and thats all that matters. Vicki doesn't need any more stress then she already has while shes pregnant. I wish I could be there for the birth of her baby just as she was there for the birth of all three of my girls. Hell she was the only one there for Lynndseys birth. There is just so much more to say and so little time because I am at the library and because I have my friends car and I need to get back to the house soon so she can do what she needs to do today. I will be back again.
I need so badly to reconnect with all my long lost friends and blogging family.
And soon, very soon I will have internet from home. I am going crazy without it.

Raevyn

Conversations with assholes

In one hour of talking to Dennis Barclay my now ex dad. I was called not only an asshole, but the biggest bag of shit he had ever met in his life, a terrible mother, a goddamn piece of shit, a stupid dick. A fucking bitch....ah the name calling just got better. And I was informed that I am the load my birth mother should have swollowed. That the only good thing I ever did in my life was complete three pregnancies. That I am a terrible mother. That I don't deserve to have children. That he wishes he never would have met me. He has no love for me and neither does Joan, and that they don't like me. There for I am not welcome to come to the cabin this summer. There was so much said that was like a knife to the heart. I don't even know where to begin on describing how that made me feel. And then telling me that I am insane and belong in a mental instituition, and that I am the sickest person he has ever met. Just that I am a bad bad person. That I am the worst. Then telling me that I feel sorry for myself. That I have milked all my friends dry that no one wants me around. God it went on forever. He has no idea who I am and doesn't care to know. That is not my problem it is his. I am glad that I am here. I am not a piece of shit.. And maybe now that things are totally settled between us. He has no love for me, and after that conversation and being told he doesn't care wether I live or die, I have no love for him either. Any and all that I have left was completley squashed. I will miss my sister Vicki who has commented here a time or two. I am so overwhelmingly happy for her that she and Brain are expecting there first child. I hope she will keep in touch at least once and awhile. Even though in a pissed off moment I told her to leave me alone. Vicki if you read this I am sorry about that. I should take your parents crap out on you. I hope you will forgive me but I understand if you don't. I just cannot take that kind of verbal obnoxiousness anymore. I don't deserve it. At all for any reason. I am a human being. I make bad choices just like other human beings. I have to pay for those, I have to learn from those. My children are all taken care of. They know without a doubt that they are loved and wanted and that no matter what I am always going to love and accept them. I am how ever in a quandry. I don't know if I should cut ties between my kids and their grandparents. The girls always come to me and tell me what the Barclays are saying about me. to them , around them, how ever ....the fact remains my children are hearing it. I told Dennis that if my kids say one thing to me about that ever again. If I get wind that my kids are being subjected to that kind of talk it will be the last time that Joan and Denny see them..PERIOD> When I told him that he said " Are you threating me.?" YES, I am threating you, of course I am threating you, my children should not have to hear that.... They are part of me, when things are said about me like that they feel bad about themselves, so shut the fuck up about me when my kids are around... not to hard is it??? well see....
Anyway, More later my fingers hurt, because I have written this ten or more times.....

For all the families and friends of those who were lost today in Viginia

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those who have died tragically today in the shootings in Virginia.
For those who passed and are fighting for their lives, I wish for them a hundred angels each of comfort and love and strength .
For the parents the mothers and fathers, and step parents of those who have been killed or injured I send my thoughts with each tear that I have cried. I wish for you peace and comfort today.

Okay I have moved.
Found one!
YAY
I know that was fast, ignore the other post, I finally got off my ass and actually looked.
I am not sure I am going to stick with the one I found gonna check out some other sites too,
But in the meantime. I am writing again.
If ya wanna know where I am you HAVE TO EMAIL ME!!!
raevynwolfe@yahoo.com

still can't find a good place to blog

Still looking, til then I will let you know that I will let you all know when I do find a place to blog that is good and likeable.
TATA for now.

Guess its time

Turns out that there are people reading my blog that just shouldn't be reading it. So I am going to have to go through all the trouble of creating a new one and then dismanteling this one. I know a few of you have done this already. Is there any advice you can give me that will allow me to take all my old posts with me and my links and all without hours and hours of work?
Please email suggestions to me at mskajunkitty@yahoo.com
I won't be using that email address for much longer anymore either. I will give the new one to those who ask for it.
I usually check my email daily. Until I get everything moved I will not be posting anything new.
I love each and every one of you that come around and keep me company, and thank all those who came to let me know they are here.
Well I better get started at least get the initial blog created.....

Love to All <3
Raevyn

I know I haven't been around much

I feel bad, like I have been neglecting old friends. I just haven't wanted to write anything. I tend to do that,avoid blogger completely if I don't feel like writing. The reason I do that isn't to avoid friends, its to avoid creativity, inspiration, and the need then to write.
I know that sounds terrible. Especially since I am a terrible writer.
I just love to do it. And I know it would be nice of me to say that I blog because of the friends I have made here, but that would taste a lie. I blog for the original reason I began. To get things off my chest. To reason things out for myself using this forum to do so. I have met many awesome and amazing people thru blogger. I have made many wonderful friends, some quit blogging, one passed away, and others have faded off, or we just lost contact and I deleted there links just to keep things neat and easy for myself. I know that when I get in my really thoughtful moods and I write everything I think, people start to fade away and don't comment. Oh, I'm not complaining, I would wander off too. I just noticed that when I am not being fun and charming and whitty people fade away like the stars do in the morning. I think I am mentioning it because I wish my stars would come back. Right now I need my friends. Here and everywhere else. I don't know what for, other then just to feel loved. I am feeling lost , alone, confused, empty and yet overwhelmed.
I feel so tired. I just need my friends. Plain and simple. I need to know you are there, or here, or anywhere. I need to know that you are by my side no matter where you might live.
Take my hand.......?

Cannon Ball

I think when I was born this is what I was thinking. As in spirit formed I jumped into a crazy life with both feet and no fear.
What did I have to be afraid of after all. Life is just a temporary learning experience right?
Yeah, except it doesn't feel so temporary when you are here struggling with life altering decisions. I seem to have a lot of those to make lately. There is a definite labryth of cross roads ahead of me, no matter what choices I have made in the last year, another cross roads has popped up and a plethera of choices where there to be made.
The choices I have made have caused my children and I a great amount of grief and regret on my part. But then again..... Sierra and Lynn are getting to know their dad again, and getting to know his side of the family, trully for the first time. And I am getting mother daughter time with my oldest who really needs me at this point in her turbulent teenage life. My biggest fear is that I will make a terrible decision that will have resounding repurcusions for many many years.
Taking care of me for the first time in my life is turning out to be more difficult then I ever imagined. I never ever would have thought it so hard to concentrate on my own life and the direction it is going in. I have been getting more sleep lately, following my bodies natural rythyms. I feel smarter and more aware of whats going on because my brain is functioning more properly. Yet I still feel like an asshat, because I don't know what I really want to do. I am not even sure of what I need to do. Amanda doesn't want to move out of state again. Not even five hours away. She is 16 almost and has the right, I feel, to make that choice. But where would she stay? And should I really let her stay here? Shouldn't I make her come with me, because I feel its right to move to Oregon so the other two can be close to their father and his mother and grandmother? Should I let her stay here so she doesn't have to change schools again. Let her graduate from this school, then she can go where ever the wind blows her. I never wanted my kids to feel that they had to stay in one place. I always wanted them to feel free,that the world is their oyster and they can see it all if they want to. I don't want them to be afraid to explore their world. Now I am afraid that I have made Amanda fear change, fear trying new things. Just because of me and my dumb ass never providing stability for long periods of time. Icurumba what have I done? What should I do? I am still feeling so lost, even though I feel its best to move to Oregon. Is it really whats best for all of us????

weary

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I wonder wha the hell I am thinking.
Things are so up in the air for me right now. I have been meeting a lot of interesting men online at different places and that is really making me think that I should follow advice I would give to anyone else in my situation. Dump the Billy. Get on with my own life. Meet some one else and make a go of that. But see my heart just won't agree with my brain and when ever I think about doing that. My whole entire body does this strange thing and I feel like screaming NOOOOOOO.
I have never had that feeling before in my entire life. I know I am supposed to be with Billy. I am not sure its supposed to be right now. There are some things that man has to do to make things right. I have written him a very long letter telling him all these things too.
I also told him, I want to run away. From everything. I just want to hop on a bus or something and just disapear. Not tell anyone where I am or where I am going. NO ONE. I guess I feel like pulling a Billy. Only he keeps in contact with some folks. Me for insance. At this point I am not sure if I would contact any one at all. I want to hide. I want to take my wounds to some far off place and let them heal. I want to get away from everything that has ever caused me pain.
I cannot however get away from myself. This isn't a movie and I can't cut out my heart and bury it on some far off Island. All this runs through my mind and I think I am going crazy.
It feels that way sometimes. Like there is this tiny little me inside my brain and it is screaming and just coming undone. There is a hurrican in my brain and it is fucking with my thought processes immensely. I just want to sleep. For the rest of my life. In dreamland my life is sooo much different then the one I am trying to live.

Got a call from California today

Billy is in Jail yet again. I don't know what he was arrested for to begin with but they got him for not being registered. Which doesn't really make any sense since he hasn't even been in Cali for 24 hours. Well he has now, but at the time he hadn't been.
Anyway, the guy that called me told me he didn't know if Billy would be extredited back here or not. I talked to another friend of ours today and he says that WA. often extradites from Cali. So Billy may just well be coming back here even though he didn't want to. He wanted to avoid jail altogether. But he doesn't seem to understand that he won't be able to do that if he doesn't take care of his past. We just talked about it when I talked to him the other day too. And he was on his way to Arizona to take care of things there. So that he could come back up here and not have as big of issues, so that he wouldn't be in jail as long. Looks like god and goddess have other plans for Billy though. I really hope he catches a clue from this. But he never has before. So my hopes aren't high. I really do love him, and I miss him tremendously. Jen wants to move to Alabama or Louisianna,she wants me to go with her. I really don't want to do that.
I want to move to Oregon so that my two youngest daughters can have both their parents near them all the time. And can spend time with that side of the family too. And where they are is only four hours from here, so it would be close enough to drive over in summers and be around my side of the family too. And close enough to see friends. I don't want to live in the south. I want to live in Montana at least at some point in my life. Jen first said she wanted to move to Florida still. I said HELL NO!!!! You can go on your own, She said she didn't want to move without me. Well if she goes to Alabama she will have to go without me. ALthough I loved LA when we went through it on the bus. I cried. It felt like HOME. But I don't want to be that far from my kids and I sure don't want to move them that far from family again. So I am sticking with my Oregon plan. But you all know me pretty well by now. I could change my mind and back again a million times bewtween now and June.
I think what I want most in the world is just never going to happen for me anyway, I may as well give up.

untitled

In the Dark
Is a spark
Spiral Dance
Fairies Prance
The sky is fallen
My heart is stallen
Skip a beat
Feel the heat
Mississippi Mud
Soul stopping thud
Eagles sing
Squirrels Swing
Vegas nights
Christmas Lights
Valentines Red
Lonely Bed
Twisting stars
Bark at the Moon
Lost
Lost
Lost

written by me under my new name Raevyn Wolfe

Talked To Billy Last Night

Well, Billy did call me last night from Vegas, Shocked the shit right out of me!
I told him that I am moving to Oregon so that the girls can always be close to their father. That I didn't think it would be fair to them to take them away from the area again. That they need his side of the family too. I told Billy that he is more then welcome to come to Oregon if he wants too but I am not going to Alabama or anywhere else. I have made enough mistakes this past year chasing one dream. The dream died and now I need to get back down to earth and do whats right by my kids.. I told Billy that I had lost my focus, on what was most important to me. My kids, I love my kids more then I could ever love any man, but I forgot that for awhile. I let him now this and he agreed with me. Told me I was absolutely right. We had a long conversation. I told him I hope by the time I am ready to move over to Oregon that he is ready to come home from traveling about the country, I understand what he is doing because I would be doing it too if I could. But the fact remains he is getting older and he needs to settle down, He knows this, and is almost ready, I told him I didn't think I was loved enough by him. He had never loved any one enough to settle down, why would I ever think I would be so special. He told me that I was though. I guess we will find out. Because I am going where I am going, and I am doing what I need to do for my kids. I can always live in Montana after the kids are grown and have their own lives to be living. Which really isn't that long from now. I want to spend all the time I can with all of them before they run off to travels of their own design.

I think I have made at least one decision

I have wanted to live Montana my entire life. I have no idea why. Especially with the winters the way they are and the fact that I get very depressed sometimes especially in the winter. So I have decided to compromise with myself. I am going to move to Oregon I think. Where the girls father lives. Amandas father also lives in Oregon, although I think he still lives on the coast. Anyway, If I move closer to Jason then my kids will have both their parents around them all the time. And if Billy wants to he can come to me there. Until then I am not going anywhere for that man any more. Too much has happend and my life has been shattered into too many pieces. And I really think he had something when he said he wasn't the one for me and the kids because his life is too much of a mess. His life is too much of a mess and he has no intentions on fixing it that I can see or have seen. So the next time I talk to him. If he even calls me. I am going to let him know. I am done. I can't do this anymore I can't feel this way anymore. And I need stability as much as my children do. And really he does too. I will tell him that if he wants to come to Oregon he is more then welcome. And if not then we will always be friends. I will love him for the rest of my life and I hope that he gets a brain in his head and decides to come to Oregon. I will be working on getting myself there.
In the meantime I am going to be posting as often as I can because It makes me feel better, think better and because I can.

update

I just love frustration. Don't you!
Billy sent me a message on myspace telling me he didn't think he was the one for me and blah blah blah. All because he got kicked out of his nephews house for some dumb argument. He believe he was just a thorn in the side of humanity. He was going through something rough. I was able to talk to him though and got everything straighted out. He is now on his way to Arizona. He has quite the life. I am going to be going to see him in Arizona when he gets there and I get my check and different things come through. I don't know whats going to happen from there. I know I want to see him and talk to him in person. I don't know what I will do after that..I am a bit confused at this point and frankly I don't know that he will actually contact me again. So I am playing it by ear. I just know that he has been away for seven months now and I haven't seen any changes other then changes in residence for him. I think he should have stayed in Alabama and so does he. He wants to go back there and I think he should. He was doing very well there. Montana won't work for either one of us come to find out .Hell the winter here has driven me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever felt. My job is on the line. I don't know if I am fired yet or not. I talked to the administrator today and we got some things straightend out. But I am confindent that if I do lose my job I will find another one that will work for me. I just have no clue what that will be. I still want to do animal massage and am thinking I should just go get a business lisense and get busy trying to do that here. I don't know. I have some decisions to make. Sierra and Lynn are coming back to me in June and I need to make sure I am stable wherever I decide to go. If I decide to go. I am no longer sure that Billy is the right person for me. At the moment it doesn't seem to be that way. He is shutting me out a lot again. And I know what that means. So I just need to make a choice. Ya I know I already said that. I just don't think he loves me the way he says he does. If he did wouldn't things be different??
I just am so tired of being alone. I am almost 36 years old. I really just want to be in a happy relationship at this point in my life. I want a partner. A witness to my life. Some one I can lean on and who knows he can lean on me. I really wanted that person to be Billy. I love him so much. But there are some deep issues there that really need to be worked on. He keep saying that it can work.. Okay , well when will that be happening?
Anyway, I have a lot to think about. More later.

Hell

Get this, I am getting fired from my job. Why? Because I have a limitations on how much I can lift and I refused to work noc shifts. I am going in to talk to one of the bosses tomarrow. I am hopeing to keep my job at least for the last part of this month. I don't know why I bother really. Why do I just keep trying and trying and trying. Why do I try and get knocked down over and over again. This tells me that I am just in the wrong damn place. Too much shit happens the wrong way for a progressive life out here for me. I need to go some where else and try again. Billy wants me to meet him in Vegas or pick him up in Montana. Jen says she wants to go to. She can't see any reason to stay here either. I really don't know what else I can do. I can't work. So what the hell am I going to do to make money? I have been wracking my brain over all this for months and I just don't have a clue any more then I ever did. I really want to do animal massage therapy. I just need a base to do it from. Hell I will even massage people. I don't need a license to make people feel good right. heh Yeah in this world I do need a licsense. I am surprised comedians don't have to have a certificate that says they can make people laugh.
Anyway, If I don't advertise myself as licensed then the law can't come down on me.
So I guess all I can do now is just go for some of my money making ideas. Make my own job. And see if that gets me any further then the last 35 years of my life has taken me.
Damn I am just in a freeking mood. I want to scream. Does anyone want to scream with me?

Crying for two days

I don't know what is wrong with me. I started crying to days ago at work. and now here I am still crying. And Billy got kicked out of his house with his nephew some stupid shit about not being able to be around kids. Fuck Billy has never done a damn thing against kids. And he never will but now he is some kind of head space and is leaving Montana even after all of our plans and everything. I can't talk to him because he is with someone else. Ralph, And Ralph lives down the street and all that blah blah blah. Anyway, He said he is defiantley leaving Montana and probably going back to Alabama which is fine. I just wish he would tell me first. I want to go to Montana that is the place I have always wanted to live. I don't want to go chasing down one dream just to lose another. I really thought I could have both in one place. I hate my life right now and seriously as terrible as it sounds my depression has gotten so bad I really just want to die.

My brain is a big bowl of sketti

okay well here goes, I am falling apart at the seems. you know the ones at the sides of your legs and the ones the ones under your arms, and ya the one that zipps down your back. In other words, my mother of all mothers of anxiety attacks started at work, I Have been crying pretty much every since, THe jury is out, I mist find an antidepressant anti anxiety medication that works well for me and doesn't kill my stomach or make me want to puke or do other things like chew on brinks for dineer and drewl all over my residen'ts. There has to be someting out there that can cheer me up, help me sleep better and not make me sick at all,,,,DOes anyone have any ideas about this/.

Change again!!!! Thank God!!

Okay I talked Jen into NOT moving in February, I just really didn't think it was a good idea.
I called Billy and discussed it with him also and he agrees with me. It would just be to tight. The money wouldn't be there. We need quite a bit of that green stuff to do all that needs to be done to do this thing the right way. The last thing I want to do is rush it and end up fucking it up!
Once I get to Missoula I plan on staying there for quite awhile and I plan on having all my ducks in a row when I get there and keeping them in that damn row for as long as I live there or anywhere else I might decided to live in my lifetime. I am very much done with screwing things up. My kids need stability, all of them. Although Pan doesn't want to go with me. She really wants to stay here with her friends or family members. I don't really know what to do when it comes to that, seeing as she will be 16 before I plan on leaving. I think she is old enough to know what she wants to do and to know where she wants to live. She wants to ask my sister Vicki if she can live with her. I really don't know what response she will get. Vicki has never offered, so that makes me think that she either hasn't thought about it, or she has thought about it and decided she didn't want her neice living with her. I don't know which it is, but I do know I wouldn't blame her for not wanting the responsibility. Especially of a bratty teenager!!!!
Although I know she could handle it because she isn't the type of Aunt who has ever put up with any Bullshit from her neices. I don't really want Pan to ask her. I want Pan to want to come with me. And I certainly don't want anyone thinking I am leaving Pan behind. I just don't want to push her into going somewhere she doesn't want to go. Although I would really like her to try it at least for a little while. At least to come to Montana with me and see what she thinks of it.
I guess only time will tell on that.. We will see . We will see.

Moving sooner then I thought

Well it seems that we will be moving to Montana much sooner then anticipated. Jen and I were going to go in February to check it out, check out jobs and places to live and all that. Jen has decided that she does not want to come back here to Washington in February and wants to just get the hell out of Dodge. Well thats all fine and Dandy with me!!! I don't want to be here any longer then I need to be. The dreams about all this going in the drink have been getting more and more vivid and more detailed, and well just all around a helluva lot more scary. To the point where I am afraid to go to sleep anymore. Since I have to work tomarrow at 11 am this is not a good thing tonight. It is almost five am now. I can't sleep anymore then I could give myself a tattoo. Not talented enough to do that!!
I am excited to get to Montana. And since it is so close I will be coming back in summer to visit. That is if there is a here left.
Work is going well. I suppose. There are many communication issues, I imagine that is true for anywhere though. I just wish that my body would let me do the work I want to do. I guess it just means that I am meant to go in another direction. Its awefully difficult to get people to accept new ideas. I know other people massage animals, I just haven't heard an aweful lot about it. But I know it works. Jens dog is a perfect example. She won't stop nuging me until I rub her!!
I started massaging animals when I was a kid. I just knew it made them feel better, like it does us. * makes me remember this old dog Brandy that I miss a lot, I love you pup!*
Damn now I have all these memories flooding back from when I was a kid, I smell the bonfire, the hot sand, the salt air and the roasting marshmellows. I can hear all the people laughing and talking, I can feel the sand under my bare feet....
Robinsons Beach on Whidbey Island, It was a resort in Mutiny Bay. Those where great summers!!
Okay back to my original subject. I don't want to pack every thing up again. Goddamn!, I just did that shit, how many times..
Well, here I go again. This time I don't have anything to give away or leave behind. I already did all that. But Jen. She has to give up lots of stuff. There just isn't going to be room for all the stuff she has packed around all these years. It will be good for her though. There are so many things that she has had for so very long that really are just weighting her down . Making her cling to the material. She will feel very much lighter and happier without all of that.
As for me. The only thing I am leaving behind is rotten eggs. Some of you know what I mean by that, others don't. Some people who read my blog and are family should get the point.
I really need to address a blog to those people one of these days. Should make for interesting reading for those of you who think everything was just perfect...Okay off I go on another twist.
Sorry folks. Just had a lot to think about these last few weeks off line.
I'll get around to explaining more. Maybe.
Love to all

Still haven't smoked!

Hello all, I say that as though I am writing to hundreds of people. Hell according to my stats I get a few peeps a day, and thats about it anymore now that I haven't been actively blogging for so long. I really want to get back into it. There is so much I want to say that I haven't been able to get off my chest for so long. I have been having panic attacks lately because of the lack of an outlet! NO even work doesn't help with that. I take care of elderly folks who are suffering from dementia and alzheimers in the late stages. I love my job, but talking to the folks is not an outlet. Actually I have funny stories to tell about work. But I am not going to do it here, I am going to create a new blog or something of the like to express myself about work. I don't want it connected to me and then inadvertently connected to the folks at my work somehow. You might think I am being paranoid. Go ahead. I just want them to be anonymous, protect their privacy, while at the same time sharing my experiences, funnies and heartaches with anyone who would care to read about it and comment to it. Hell I forgot who I was writing to!! You all know what I am failing to express with my terrible word jumbles. You are all bloggers too.
I hope all of you are doing well. Thank you for the comments to my last post. I miss you all so much!!!!!!!

HEY THERE!!!

Well its been awhile since I got to be online for any amount of time that would allow me to post. There are so many things I want to write about. I have been working as a care giver again. Moved to Anacortes. I will be buying a car in about a month. Billy finally made it to Montana. Which is a good thing, I thought I was going to get there before he did!!!

I have been sick the last few days and its been like a rollercoaster, every week or so I am getting ill. Don't know whats up with that but hope to get it figured out really soon. Lets see. I quit smoking yesterday. I have tried a few times since my last post but wasn't really determined. Now I am. I don't want to smoke anymore. I tried a cig today, and it was gross, after a few drags I threw it down. I know I know. But hey its my yard and I will pick it up later kay!, Anyway, Nej is anxiously awaiting her turn on this thing so I gots to go for now. Got a chance to stop by a few of your blogs, I have missed you all so much and can't wait to see al blogs!!! Love to all And I hope you all had a great holiday season.