Well

Here we are folks. With yet another day in the life of the Queen. Its been going slow lately. Went for a job interview last thursday for the perfect job. Guess I wasn't the perfect canidate for the job. Never did get a call back. Oh. Well. Never say die. Right? RIGHT!!
Going to Anecortes today to spend some time with the oldest daughter Pan!! Very excited. I haven't seen her for about two weeks and other then messaging back and forth we haven't talked much on the phone or anything, so it will be nice to actually be in the same place as she is. I wish I could go see Sierra and Lynndsey too. I miss them bunches. Sierra told me she wants to come home. It hurt to tell her she was home. She has to spend the school year with her dad. Which sucks because I really miss her and Lynn.
I don't know when I will be going to Montana. Billy is still in jail. He has a final court hearing on Nov. 16th.
HIs nephew Rusty said we were more then welcome to stay at his place when we first get there and all that. Until we can get jobs and move out! Wich is nice to know we have somewhere to go.
Now regardless of Billy I am going to Montana. Either way it works out . I will be in Montana by late spring if it kills me. I need to do some stuff before I can go on my own. It will work out better and faster if I go with Billy to his nephews. I love Billy and I want to be with him but I am not basing my life on him either. Not at this time. I am the one who wants to go to Montana . All my dreams of my entire life have been based in Montana. Eventually my dreams will come true! YES THEY WILL!!!!! I am making them come true. It is going to take time, dedication, and lots of hard work. Sounds like fun doesn't it!!!
I have been looking things up on the internet and figured out that I really need to go to the library. Because even though there is a buttload of info out there on the net. It just doesn't compare to a book. In my opinion anyway.
In other news, I've been doing a lot of sitting around lately and its driving me nuts. This is crazy all this doing nothing. Dont' really have many options though. I do a lot of job hunting on the internet. I am sure I will find something soon. I have to find something. I need much more money then what I am getting now. DSHS is trying to help me get employed too, yah, I need help. So what. Its all part of the process of getting back on my feet again. Get a job. Get a car. Save up a bit of money. Move to Montana, get into school, get a job, save up money to start business, start business, make more money, but an rv, travel around the country.
Got the plan. Now I just have to get a job to start it all off with. Reach all the little goals on the way to the big ones and I will be all good. Right now the little goals are to wake up early each day, look for work, find work. Go to work when I get a job. Sounds easy doesn't it? It would be if anyone appreciated my skills.

Come see me HERE

I now have a page at care2.com . One of the things I wanted to do was get more involved with things I cared about. Well this is one of those things. Please visit my page at this site. Maybe even join up too!!!!

Crying

I can't stop it. The tears are just leaking out of my eyes.
There is so much that I have lost recently and over the last few months.
I am just feeling it so keenly right now. Like a knife in my head,
There isn't any way that this feeling will go away any time soon either. Because of the fact that I will not be getting anything back anytime real soon and some of it, well most of it I know I will never get back. It just really really sucks at this moment. I know that something good will come of it because it always does. I know that I will learn great things. And great things will happen to me and my loved ones along the way. It just hurts right now. Missing my kids. Missing Billy. Missing my dog Bocephus Cleatus Lionel. And even missing my fish and that damn evil cat Buddah. Geez I even miss things right now. Like my entertainment center and my bed. And just having my space. And all my loved cherished ones in one place. HOME. I don't know how. I didn't know how before. But I will get HOME again. It is required of me to do so by ME. No one else can get that back for me. And yes it will be in a different place and yes it will have differnt thing in it. And yes even the people that make up my HOME will be different. Different because we will all have had different experiences. Hell I don't even know if my oldest child will move. I think she is tired of it and would rather finish High School in one place. I hope she will at least come to me for summer breaks though. And maybe when she is done with school in a couple of years she will go to college in Montana, Hell again., At this point I am even beginning to doubt my self on the entire Montana thing.
I hate feeling like this. But I do feel like this and I need to embrace my feelings for what they are. REAL. Stupid tears. I miss EVERYTHING.

Twiddling My Thumbs

Well I feel like I am twiddling my thumbs. spinnin my wheels. Not going anywhere really really fast. I do have a job interview tomarrow for the Humane Society. Its a small dog kennel. They only need someone about ten hours a week on the weekends. I would really like to get this job though. Because it will be great experience and it could work into more hours. What I really want is a job working for a vetrinarian or the pound. Because that would be intense experience that could really come in handy! I can volunteer for more hours at the kennel though. Which I am going to do. Again because of the experience. The opportunity for experience is not something I am willing to walk away from at this point. So until I can find a full time job. I am going for whatever I can get my hands into!.
Please wish me luck! I could really use the money too. I need a car something aweful!
I hate being stuck at home!!!!

Good Day for new leaf turning

I've been down this road before,
The one that has all the turns and junctions,
It seems like yesterday I passed that rock,
Seems I have passed that rock many times,
Going in circles is crazy, not lazy,
Why do I repeat this path, these lessons,
Guess I didn't learn the first time,
Turn here, dad says.
No turn up there says mom,
Go that way Sister says,
Turn around and head back for a spell says the shrink,
Tired, I have decided to fuel up on love for me,
and go forward.
Down the really long and hard road.
The one with all the bumps and three foot pot holes.
The one that Goddess says is best,
The one the Lord has lighted for me, from the day I was born,
The one I have avoided out of fear and frustration,
The one everyone led me away from.
The one I tried with all my might not to take before.
I've loaded up on validation and creation,
I've packed my bags with hope and determination.
There is nothing to fear but success.
Will I fall?
Absolutely.
Will I get up and keep going?
You know it,
I have thus far.
Let nothing stop me.
Never again.
For I am going forward.

changes

There comes a time in a persons life when drastic changes need to take place.
Of their own doing. That time for me is now.
Things I want to change are.
1) Getting back into school
2) moving to Montana
3) Stop listening to others who put me down for one reason or another
4) Learn more about my chosen spirituality
5) No more being ashamed of myself and who I am and what I want
6) Dress in the way I have always wanted to dress
7) Take people out of my life who are unneccasary problem causers
8) Deal with my depression and other health issues
9) learn more about herbology
10) take care of my debts and get my credit in line
11) Get a good job that will support me and my plans
12) Allow myself to feel good about my choices
12 pB) Let people see the real me
14) Go to counseling to learn how to deal with a few things
15) Be more active in the causes I believe in
16) Tell everyone I love that I love them
17) tell everyone I appreciate that I appreciate them
18) Change my thinking
19) be even more open minded
20) Be a better parent
21) Be an even better friend to myself
22) Let others take care of themselves for awhile
23) Learn to say no when I need to or even just want to
24) Learn that its okay to speak my mind
25) stop sugar coating
26) Be more self reliant
27) Start exercising
28) set some goals and work towards them everyday
29) Learn that its okay to not like some people ( I don't have to like everyone)
30) Realized that its okay to not have the love and aproval of the people that raised me. I can give myself all the love and approval I need.
31) validate myself.

** I think thats a good start. Anyone have any suggestions?**
Ps, Barbara, I am going to start that " joy box"!!!!

Girls

Well today Jen and I took the girls over the mountains to go live with their dad for the school year. His mom was there and she kept thanking me for letting Jason take the kids for awhile. As it has been a long time since she has seen them. And it has been almost two years since Jason saw them. Their choice. I think they just didn't know they were welcome to call anytime. Or that they were welcome to come and see the kids anytime. Jason wasn't aware that we have joint custody of the kids. Anyway, the girls couldn't get out of the truck fast enough to hug Jason and his mom. Which was really cool to see. It made me feel better about my decision. I know the girls will do well and I believe that Jason needs this as much as the kids do and as much as I do. He is the stable parent right now with all his ducks in a row. I am not. My damn ducks have done wondered off and I gotta hunt them down and herd em up again. I cried when I couldn't see Sierra anymore. I managed to mostly hold it together while I was there. And Jen and I took lots of pics. I even took one on the way back of the pulp mill. Sierra referred to it as the minty catbox! She is so hilarious! Lynn kept telling me she I couldn't leave. Which made me feel terrible. I didn't want to leave her there!!! As I said though. It is not fair to be homeless and to keep making the kids move about the country. They are all now in places where they can be in one school for the rest of the year. They are all in stable places. My kids will never sleep under a bridge. I really don't know what my former mom thought I could do. Or what she expected of me. But I guess now that the kids are gone she has no use for me. As she told me last night that she no longer has a daughter. So I called Jen and she came there to pick us up and bring us back to her house. Because I was not going to stay in a home where I was no longer considered a daughter. I don't know what it is that she hates about me but it has been made abundantly clear that the only reason she even spoke to me was because of my kids. I am trash and everything that I had in some boxes at her house is garbage and she is going to take it to the goodwill. As if other people want pics of people they don't know. Someone will appreciate the blankets and things like that I am sure. But important documents>??? some frog and rooster things??? I guess the very last things I treasured are nothing but garbage. I will not go back to that house. I will not step foot in that house. If I am no longer her daughter then she no longer has granddaughters and I no longer have family on her side. I have no clue how my dad feels . But I am frankly very much tired of being hurt by words that come from my former mom. Why she feels the need to kick me repeatedly when I am down. I have no clue. I am done with all of this. Just need to get these confused thoughts out of my head. Because I really just want to know why she hates me so much. Yet she accuses me of being the one that hates her. I hate her actions towards me. Not her. I love her. But I will not take this anymore. Her statement that cutting ties is something that she needed to do is true. And that it is a good thing. That is also true. It is a good thing. If I am no longer her daughter that means she won't be calling me to tell me what a piece of shit I am. The will has already been threatend. I didn't even think I was still in it. I don't want anything from them. Take me out of the will. What good will it do me to have anything from them. It will just bring hurtful memories of people that didn't love me enough to solve problems. I love them both and will miss the deeply. I am no longer a daughter. But I am many other things.

In memory

This post is in memory of two people.
Jeri Haskins and Roger Castle.
Jeri passed away one week ago, Roger crossed over this morning.


For Jeri:
Memories made by firelight
laughter under a fullface moon
always the last to go to bed,
even us "kids" couldn't keep up!

Always the first one up.
You make coffee for GOD,
as old as you where,
you didn't let it interfere
with what you wanted to do.

Golfing, or swimming in the pool,
sipping margarittas in mexico for the day,
sitting and sunning
with good friends by the bay.

You will be missed here
on this big old rock
your laughter and fun ways
who will stay up with us "kids" now?

Who will, with god,great the day?
I guess you'll do that from Heaven now.
My dad will miss the company
when he rises in the early mornings
to go fishing at the cabin.

You'll be missed when everyone is in Yuma too.
Who will go to mexico
with my mom now, for shopping
and drinking and fun?

I know you'll with them,
even if they don't.
And now Larry will REALLY have to
mind his P's and Q's,
Because your watching every move.

I love you Jeri,
as so very many do.
What I will miss the most
is your light hearted wisdom,
and the way that got people to listen.
Even when they didn't want to.

Until we meet again, Blessed be.


For Roger"
When I think of you,
memories come flooding back.
Being a young girl and
sitting on my dads lap, listening
as you told stories back and forth.
I remember being small, at the firehouse
playing on the trucks with your son, Andy.
And how we would get in trouble for climbing
on the hoses. How we alwys got a bottled drink from the
little refrigerator thingy.
I remember easters, and christmas's and times
when you all went out. Fourth of July! When the
cops came by, to say quite lighting those off!
Barbecues and pit roasted pig.
Great times at Robinsons beach.
I remember you laugh and your smile,
and the way you were always willing to listen.
I remember you gave all us kids respect.
We were people too.
And the respect was delivered back to you.
All of us knew we could go to Roger.
( Great now I'm crying)
You will be missed for more reasons then one.
You will be missed by more then a wife and son.
You were precious and rare Roger.
Merry meet, and merry meet again.

Reasons For Going To Montana

I want to go to school there. There is no one there that I know at the moment. I told Billy in a letter that that is where I want to go. He said he would go there too. So some one will be there. Jen might or might not go with me. She is having a hard time making up her mind on exactly how she feels about Chad and there whole relationship.
I don't care if she goes or not. I don't care if Billy goes or not. I am going there FOR ME.
For some people this seems difficult to grasp. Which is surprising to me. But hey thats there problem not mine. I want to go to Montana to go to school and to do Animal Massage Therapy.
I have a lot of plans under my hat and many achievable dreams to make come true. Afraid? Sure who wouldn't be. There are things that scare me. Being so far away from my kids for one. But a helluva lot closer then Ms ! Being by myself in an unknown place. The responsibilities coming my way. The changes coming my way that I am bringing on myself! All of those things are scary. But they are worth facing! And I won't be so far from my kids that I couldn't get to them. They will be with me again soon. And we will all have had some neat experiences to share with eachother. I don't really want to leave Pan here but she doesn't want to go with me. She is finally back in school again and I don't want to make her change schools for a third time. Belle and Lynn are excited about Oregon. They haven't seen there dad in almost two years. They haven't seen There Grandma or great grandma in much longer then that. Or that Aunt Kimmie.
And again I don't want them to have to change schools again this year either. They have traveled about the country enough this year and need to be stable so they can go to school.
I am afraid of leaving them with there dad. That scares me to death. BUT he is their father and he does need to see them and they need to spend time with him too. Okay I feel I have explained myself quite enough when I really have no need to do that. SO I will not be doing that anymore after today either. This blog is going to become my Journal about my life changing because I am making it change. It is no longer going to be the journal of a loser.

HOME

HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be!

HOME

HOME AGAIN!!!! It is so good to be here! Yesterday Jen and I took Pan to Anecortes and got everything in order for her to live with my friends and enroll in school. This way she doesn't have to change schools again this year. Here in about a week and a half Bellie and Lynn will be going to live with their dad. They are VERY excited about this and I am excited for them. They will be staying with him for this school year and then they will all be coming to me in Montana. I don't want them to have to change schools again this year when I go to Montana so thought it best for them to be with others while I get the stability they deserve. I am not the most stable parent right now and that drives me crazy to say that. But its the truth. I can't bring my kids along on anymore rollercoaster life rides. They deserve to have stability. By the time summer rolls around again I will have it in spades. I know that not everyone is supportive of my choices, but the fact is is that I don't need anyone to support my decisions when I KNOW I am on the right track. I am finally going to go down the right path in my life and live my dreams. I know that when I do that I will have the stability and the life that I need and my children need. I am taking this time to correct my life. I really don't care if others understand this or not. My kids are the most important thing in my life. They always have been. I have always listend to everyone but ME. It is HIGH time to listen to my inner voice as I have always told others to do. It is time for me to follow my heart. I have always listend to others and gone down the paths they thought I should go down. I have always listend to people tell me not to go anywhere. That I couldn't go anywhere. That I would never accomplish anything. That I am a loser and an asshole. To those people I say shut up! I will no longer listen to your deregatory descriptions of me. I am a divine spark of God and Goddess and I have a purpose in this life. I have denied that purpose long enough. I have trully fucked up my life and the lives of my children by denying my true path. I refuse to do that anymore. I have suffered with depression and guilt because I have denied my heart its true desires, again I refuse to do that anymore. I am going to fix this. I am going to make my dreams a reality. I am going to make my life happen for me. I am tired of being put down. I will not be silent anymore. My true self is reemerging and I don't care who likes it and who does't. If there are folks out there who know me and they don't like what they see now I just don't know what to say. I am going to be me. Either you will except it or you won't. Love me or hate me. You will never forget me.
Great love to all.
Blessed Be

GOING HOME TODAY!!!

Here in just a little bit we will be driving to New Orleans again. The girls and I are flying home today!!!! YAY!!! I cannot wait to get to Washington. To feel the chill in the air again!
To see the mountains and the big big big big water!! To smell the salt air, to be where I know where I am. OH HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!
Then in a few months time I will be moving to Montana, Not to far from beloved home and all my family and friends. But far enough away to make a completely different life for myself away from everything. To reinvent myself to who I always wanted to be and should have just been.
I have already began the process. I will be honing it in Montana. I plan on attending college there!!! YAY ME AGAIN!!!
I'm changing my life people! I hope you will all come along and watch me make a complete turn around from the person you have known here before.
GOING HOME TODAY!!!!! Should be in Seattle about 9 pm!!!! YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Laughter plays like light across the room
Sweep up that twinkling dust with thy broom.
When you are yourself
you take it all in
you change the world when you believe.
Laughter leaks light water through a sieve
Do you believe in love, do you believe in you
I cannot tell myself from you
I cannot make the world alter for myself
But I can alter myself to change the world.
Where are we going its all confused
what should we do, we are lost like you
Tangled and torn we bleed
We feel, we weep, we need
to believe
Laughter brightens every life
Lips on the moon, to kiss the sky
What do we do when a hero dies?
The world shall cry tears of lost faith
The pope shall make a stupid speech.
Crying doesn't make it better, except inside.
Laughter is what the world needs,
to change the tide.
What can I do now.
I don't even know.
I guess I will laugh
On with the show.

New Orleans

Derek and I took Amanda to the airport in New Orleans yesterday. She was very happy to be going home and she made it to Seattle just fine! YAY! I was worried because she had to change planes in Dallas by herself but she is an able kid even though she wants everyone to believe she is not!
While going into New Orleans I was struck by how even the bend of the naked trees is testament to how severely Katrina whipped New Orleans ass last year. Further in it was very easy to tell who had the temerity and the money to rebuild and who didn't. There is still mass destruction down there. There are building still ripped open at the sides and rooves still missing, some covered in blue tarps, some just left alone. Broken windows and doors off their hinges where common, Deserted apartment complexes and department stores like Wal*Mart and Sears and major gas stations stood empty. I couldn't believe Wal*Mart hadn't reopened that store. I told Derek I would have thought they would have been right on top of that to help the community by providing jobs and such with new construction and then running the store. He said it was a ghost town out there, no one to work anyway, and that even Wendys was paying 9.50 and hour just to try to get people to work there.
The closer we got to the airport the more people and reconstruction we saw. Some neighborhoods where still completey empty, others where dotted with people who could.
The better richer looking neighborhoods where doing great. And the mom and pop places seemed to be doing much better then bigger stores. I realized that its about half right now.
And that the people of New Orleans haven't given up, those who didn't come back just started their lives over somewhere else. I believe that those empty places might someday fill up again. Something tells me it will be all new folks that go there though and those who left for shall we say drier ground. While New Orleans was an awesome place with an awesome spirit and I wanted to stay for awhile even just to walk around and absorb that spirit. I wouldn't have been able to stay for long. There is also an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. There are some spirits there who still don't know what happend to them and they wander aimlessly through what once was their lives.
I must give props to those who have stayed in New Orleans and fixed the damage and have rebuilt their lives. That is not an easy task. I know. I have done it several times and am doing it now.
I am hoping that when we go to the airport again for the girls and I to leave that we can stop somewhere, just for a little while and take in the atmosphere of that beautiful city.

Well today was interesting

Well okay not really. It was Lynns 10th birthday! I can't believe she is so big. Holy crap. We had a party blah blah blah. I know I usually write something special about the kids birthdays. Its just not in me right now and that is the truth. I am still waiting to hear from Jason on wether he wants to take the kids or not. Jen bought me and Lynn and Belle plane tickets so we are going home on the 26th. My folks bought Amanda a plane ticket and she is leaving on the 12th. I cannot wait to go home and just start my life over and do it right this time. I have learned a lot through this and rediscovered my strength. I got a lovely letter from Billy today. All sugar and spice and everything wonderful that a girl wants to hear. I wrote him back letting him know I am going to Washington and if he trully meant it that he would do whatever I asked to be given a second chance then he needs to come to me there. And then there is a big long ass list of what he needs to do to get that chance and to keep me around if he gets the chance.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to leave him behind in Kentucky. I believe he really is sorry for the pain he caused. I don't know if I believe he will do whatever it takes to get me back. We will just have to be patient on that one. Most of my friends and family understand where I am coming from and how I am thinking. People fuck up. Its human nature. Do they always correct what they have done and then do what they need to do to make life good again. I don't know. For myself I know I feel like I have woken up after being checked out for awhile. My sister T and I talked about that last night and today. I have been asleep and living remotely for a few years now and just let things happen as they would. I figured everything would work out fine I just had to believe and then sit back and watch it come to fruition. HELLO!
Ya, just in case your wondering. That doesn't work. If you really need proof just read this blog over the last year. Ya that woke me up too. I think the biggest factor was that quote I saw somewhere online. " Don't let someone else be your priority and you be their option."
WOW. Oprah light bulb moment for this Queen.
I can't believe what I have let my life become and the path I have taken my children down.
I can't believe I let that apartment go. I can't believe I had to take Boceaphus to the pound. I so miss my dog. I can't believe that I am now at the point where I had to come three thousand miles from home to learn to look inside myself for the strength I needed to do what I need to do. I can't believe that now my children are going off to different places because I am such an insufficient mother. Getting down on myself will not do any good though. I need to stay strong and keep my wits about me if I am to fix this situation for once and for all. I guess we will see how I do now won't we. Time to stay awake for awhile Queenie.

MY LIFE IN A CEREAL BOX FULL OF FRUIT LOOPS

I am the biggest one in the box.
Call me crazy call me insane. I forgive Billy and I want to be with him again. I got a letter from him today. It wasn't the greatest letter seeing as he is really pissed off that I called his PO. But he feels like a shmuck for what he did and wants to fix things. I think I should give him the chance. I think he should give me a chance. I took his freedom by calling his PO. In Billys book that is like cheating on me is to me. Granted he could have saved himself the trouble by doing what he needed to do. But all the same I called and got him thrown in jail. It matters not that I was concerned. It matters that I called. At least to his mind anyway. Just as it matters not why he cheated on me. It just matters that he did. Can these things be forgiven. Yes. They can.
Why would I want to fogive him. Because I love him and he loves me and I believe that people make mistakes and learning lessons for themselves. I happen to know a lot of people who have cheated or done other things in their relationships that weren't right. They where forgiven and forgave the wrongs done to them and they are still going strong and happy in those same relationships. Why should this be any different. Billy and I are just as human as everyone else.
Lets not forget that I also screwed up by believing I could trust Clay. That turned out to be a wrotten situation and I can't take it back. I can't go back in time and decide to go home with Mouse. I believe that my girls are going to be going to live with their dad. He got the chance he needed to get his life on track and now I need mine. The kids are excited at the prospect of seeing him and living with him for awhile and meeting his new fiance and seeing that side of their family again after so long. I don't want them to go away, but at this point I have screwed things up so badly and it is affecting them so much that I feel they need the stability that their father can now provide. The stability that is not mine right now.
Things are not so great here in Hattiesburg. Derek can't handle living with five young women and one old one. He is going crazy and taking it out on all of us,.But more the kids and especially Amanda. Amanda has a mouth on her and she isn't quite about how she feels. I have taught her not to be. She gets told to shut the fuck up and that severly pisses me off. Then Derek and I fight. I am beginning to hate him and I don't want to do that as he is my very best friend in the entire world besides Billy. See that is the other thing about Billy. It has been a long time since I had a relationship with a man that was also my best friend. Jason and I were only friends in the bedroom or when we weren't together and then only long enough to get into the bedroom!
John hated me, he must have, he hit me all the time and as we all know, that is not love.
Billy is my best friend. We can talk about anything and everything. We don't normally have this communication distance between us or this physical distance either. We finish eachothers sentences for christs sakes. Or we say the same thing at the same time and end up saying jinx. I think we owe eachother at least one truck load of cokes!
We like the same things, and different things to. We like to do a lot of the same things and are open to trying new things together. We are both allergic to mushrooms. And our favorite color is green. Although he loves Chrome and I love purple. He loves my kids and he loves animals.
I like big rigs and muscle cars and kick ass paint jobs. I don't know, I guess we will either figure it out or we won't. All I know is that I love him and fogive him and I hope he can forgive me for earning my bitch certificate by something I did to him.
More later need sleep. Still feeling yucky.

Mother Earth Takes Back One Of Her Favorites Today

Steve Irwin ( the crocodile hunter) passed away today while filming amongst sting rays.
Steve was an incredible man who loved his planet and made great strides in conservation and education. He had a way with animals that could never be reproduced or copied. Mother Earth took back a true son of her soul when she brought Steve back into herself today. The people of the world should weep today. We have trully lost a savior to our planet. Tomarrow we should sing and dance in his memory and for every day after do all that we can to save this world and the animals in it as Steve tried to do with every breath he took and every beat of his heart.
My thoughts go out to his wife and children today. Those kids can grow up knwoing there daddy was a true hero.

I earned my bitch certificate!

Okay heres the scoop on that.
I called Billy's P.O. and told her where she could find Billy. Gave her the address and everything. I know I am evil and will rot in hell. O well at least I will be surrounded by friends in a place I don't believe exists.
Anyway, Last night Billy tried to call collect. So I called the hotel wondering what the fuck he wanted. Well the guy at the front dest informed me that he hadn't seen anyone for a few days. I said well Where's Billy he tried to call me collect last night. And the guy said " He got picked up."
Oh okay well that makes sense to me. Thanks. Then I asked about the woman he had been staying with. And dude told me that she took off with Billy's friend Elmer!!!! HA HA HA!!
I love it. He got thrown in the clink and lost his new girlfriend to another man. A man that was his friend!!!!! I love it. God Karma is soooo fabulous. No before ya ll lecture me that karma can bite me in the ass too for telling his P.O. Where to find him. No. It was tough love and major concern for his life that really made me call. Everytime he smoked that crack he was taking his life in his hands. And he was making terrible choices that weren't just hurting him but also me and my kids. Most importantly my kids. SO anyhow. He was either trying to call to tell me what a bitch I am or he was calling to apologize because his head is free of his ass. Or maybe he wants me to try to bail him out. Sorry Dude I'm broke. I am a bitch so no news there. And I hope to god his head is free of his ass because he owes me and my children an apology. He tried to call several more times today but there is some weird deal about calls from jails now. You have to pre pay for them or some stupid shit. Sorry ain't happenin. Try from somewhere else or write me a freeking letter. I am a bit surprised he bothered to memorize the number here though.
And a little afraid that he might have memorized the address. Derek will kick his ass if he shows up. Which would be wonderful and horrible all at the same time.
C- I would love to read your blog too. Could I have the link or would you really prefer to be anonymous???

WOW

The link to the al anon words should be read by all. Thankyou Barbara for sending that to me. All I can say is wow. Wow . Wow.
Another wow goes to being found by my sister. Vicki Ann Toria. I LOVE YOU VIC!!!
I am a little surprised to be found like that. And a little scared. But at least it was my sister!
And C, I don't know who you are. I wish I did know who you where. You are welcome here anytime and I hope that sometime you might let me know who are you. I have a feeling I do know you though.
Jac you are right. I am not trash. Deni, Thankyou. Thankyou all who have replied to my last post. I need to know that people care and feel some love right now. Wanda has been helping me a lot too. I see her at myspace and we talked on the phone. Derek has been super supportive and my moo also. I talked her ear off for two hours last night. And she patiently listend as I ranted and raved and repeated myself twelve million times.
I am doing suprisingly well with this. The kids are shattered. And that shatters me.
Billy didn't surprise me. I knew this was going to happen. I just knew. I wanted to make him leave months ago but didn't because my kids loved him and I didn't want to hurt them.
I loved Billy. I really did. But he was always lying and I believe cheating before we even left Washington. Why do I make these choices. Even after eight years of being so careful about dating and being single for a reason. I still chose to let in the wrong person. Maybe I need to go to al anon. Seems like a great and enlightning place to go.
At least I have a job here and a place to live for as long as I need it. Hopefully around the first I will even be getting a car!
I plan on going back to Washington in about a year. Although I have been seriously considering Montana. Lynn seems fascinated with Montana. And I always have been. Its something to think about. In moving here I have been freed. I realize I can live anywhere and do anything and be who I am. No matter what anybody thinks.

Pissed off and Broken Hearted and REALLY PISSED OFF

William Backus is a FUCK. He didn't even have enough balls or respect for me to call me and let me know he was done with us. Instead I call him and his GIRLFRIEND answers the phone. She was quite pissed off when I told her who I was. Then she told me who she was. She is still with him in HER hotel room in Cave City Kentucky. He is using her for a roof over his head and a fuck when he feels like it. Money, and Dope. Yes he started smoking crack again. He is such a fucking BASTARD. My children are so hurt by this. He PROMISED them that he was never going to go away. He SWORE to them that he was going to get us a place and he was going to make sure we all got back in the same place again. He promised that he would make sure they could have a dog. He SWORE to them that he was not a dad who was going to abandon them.
His new unsuspecting lady made him get on the phone. He told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE. And hung up the phone. Okay buddy. You want to cheat on me and lie to everyone and be fucked up on drugs. You want me to leave you alone. You want space to fuck up your life. CHOKE ON IT. I HATE MEN.