Saturday, July 30, 2005


The band at Rocko's was indeed awesome.
The gals name was Polly and she could fuckin blow. Her voice was amazing. And I told her so. Polly was very cool. Very Janis Joplin without all the harsh and edge.
J and B ended up not going with us, B got sunburned really badly yesterday at work and wasn't feelin so great. Devry was there his kick in the pants self. I guess moo told him that he had three adoring fans in herself, myself, and T's self. She is right. Devry is one fabulous person.
Moo had words with Derek,. Derek and I where then up until the butt crack of fuckin dawn discussin things. We are good with our friendship the way that it is. I am not in an I am in love with him faze right now though. I know I will be again at some point. But right at the moment I am scoping out other possiblities. Even though that doesn't really make Derek happy. He loves me, he doesn't want to be an ass to me the way he gets to be when he is with someone. He believes it would never work. I believe it would work great. Thats how we feel and we both except that about the other. I know I want him to always be my friend and love me. I don't want to hate him ever and I don't want him to hate me ever. Also I am sooooooooo not ready for a relationship. The very thought of it makes my blood freeze. Yes I want to sleep next to a man and hold him and he hold me. Yes I want the companionship that comes with a good mate. Yes I want to be cherished. BUT. I don't want anymore wounds to my soul. I don't think my heart can hold another stitch. I don't want to give myself to some one just to have them not appreciate it and stomp on me again. It is SAFE for me to Love Derek the way I do. He himself is not holding me back from moving on. I AM HOLDING ME BACK. I am terrified of being with someone.
I am also not accustomed to thinking of someone before I just go do what ever the hell I want to do. Thinking about having to let someone know, Hey, I'm going to the store, or hey, I'm going to the bar do you wanna go?, or hey, I'm going to the bathroom now, would you like to see the color when I'm done.
I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. And the fact that I would start walking on egg shells.
Because I wouldn't want to cause a fight. I wouldn't want to upset that person in any way. Because I wouldn't want them to leave for three months or six months, or two nights even.
Getting over that is gonna take some more time I think. Jason trained me well. Too well. Now even when I fight with Derek I sometimes wonder if he is still gonna be there the next time I turn around. He always is, so that helps I think. I don't know maybe someday I will be ready to explore that strange realm of relationships again. I just don't know when. Or with who. I have a feeling that there is someone out there somewhere who will be special enough to take my fear away.

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